just hurting, that's all,

[latefragment]

hey everyone ... thank you for all your support. everyone here has been so helpful ...

 

just hurting, the pain subsides a little, but it seems like one step forward, FIVE steps back sometimes.

 

i know i'll get through it.

 

sometimes i wonder if the pain will ever go away. i feel like i'm grasping at straws, trying to stay afloat, going through the motions, searching for a reason.

 

often there is none. i feel sad, hurt, lonely. i miss him. i'm searching for meaning in other areas of my life, feeling disappointed when things don't go my way there either. completely lost, feel i have no identity, like i haven't had an identity that i can hold on to, that i've let guys give me self-worth.

 

thanks for being so understanding, fellow LS'ers. this is one place i feel safe. i want so badly to move to a better place from where i am now. i know i have the strength to, it is up to me. sometimes i feel too weak though, weak all over.

 

i'm hurting. i want the pain to go away. when will i ever learn?

[greenhorn]

Hi latefragment,

 

whatever be our expereinces in life, good or bad we always learn from them and so you would also have learnt from them

 

Getting over a pain is indeed a roller coaster ride, one step forward and five steps backward. Pain does not fades or subsides what happens is that we get something else in life that we think of that pain less and accept that pain and thus it subsides. If you always keep thinking about the pain, getting back to memories of your ex, it will be difficult to get over the pain.

 

Thinking positive about you and the time to come, will always boost up your confidence. People who have seen the worst of their life always do good in their life, so you just need to believe in yourself and do what you want to do.Weakness is just a feeling in itself, it is not a truth, say to yourself that you are not weak but strong and see the difference. Don't ask for someone's help someone's support to realise your worth and confidence seek that from within.

 

Let your painful times give you the strength and propel you to move forward, atleast try it and you will be better. Shape things up, one at a time, when we make buildings we start with one brick, so start that way.

 

Good Luck to you

bye

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

How long has it been since you've split? I'm sorry, but I haven't got a chance to read your original post....

 

Well, let me tell you my experience. When I came to LS, I had already been "shaken into reality" since 1 year, and knew that he wasn't ready to commit. And so I had been through a lot since a year. However, we have been on NC for a little over a month now.

 

The past year has been very, very difficult - excruciating at times. I am slowly coming to grips with it more and more each day, though. I would say that it takes at least a year to begin to get ready for moving on with life. Of course, that's just my opinion. It is still difficult for me, but now those "stabs of hurt and pain within me" occur less frequently, and last for a shorter time.

 

I will tell you this - I know how difficult it is - how empty it feels - because we miss that other half of our lives. It's like there were two people involved in creating that life, and when one leaves or fails to nurture it, it feels like half your life just went away. For me, personally, the emptiness and the void is still there.

 

I also mentioned in one post that the one thing that keeps people going is passion - and so Greenhorn's comment about finding something else to focus your attention upon, is right on target. That's exactly how you can begin to think less and less of him - by beginning to think more and more of something else!

And gradually you'll realize that you're just becoming more and more indifferent to him and what he's upto. But you have to allow yourself to be indifferent - and not force yourself into dwelling upon him.

 

Like I mentioned, I don't know how long it has been for you. But give it some more time, and if possible, get involved in something that keeps you really busy - something wherein you're interacting with people a lot and when you get home, you're really tired and just pop off to sleep. That activity overdrive will help in "anesthetizing" you for the period of time it takes to forget and to divert your mind.

 

I really empathize with what you are going through, and I don't know if my post helped in any way - but I just wrote down my take on it from what I have experienced so far.

 

I am still not over it. But this has made me a little more stronger, wiser, a better judge of people, and more aware of myself as a person. I promise you, you'll be fine. I am hoping the same for myself. I guess the key thing is to adjust according to our circumstances in life.

 

If so many people have survived so many odds in life, hey, so will we!!

[miss-gonewest]

That was a really good post TTSP!

I think you laid it out really clear - especially this quote "That's exactly how you can begin to think less and less of him - by beginning to think more and more of something else!"

 

That is just so true- even really daggy stuff has worked for me... like cooking! I got out all my recipe books and read through them, then yesterday I browsed around a continental market and bought some stuff.. and came home and cooked it.

 

I know that's not everyone's thing, but it kept me focused, it got me out of the house and it kept me busy.

 

I don't have a large social circle, so I have to find things I can do myself, and that's one of them. Maybe you can paint the walls a new colour in your house, or shop for some 2nd hand furniture and restore it, or even go and select a book from the library for a new hobby you may like to learn...

 

Just force yourself to "think of something else".

 

Each day you will go backward a step, but you can choose to wake up and go forward three steps each morning - you will still be in front and you will start to feel better.

 

Good luck - make sure you stick around here and chat to us to distract yourself!!!

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

That is actually really cool hobby, MGW - cooking!! I sometimes do get all inspired and rustle up something nice, but that's once in a while. Besides, the best part is that you get to eat all of that!

 

Latefragment, I think it depends on each person to pick up an activity to keep themselves occupied. Cleaning the house helps, so does gardening. Listen to some music - I listen to upbeat stuff like "The best of Club hits" to get myself out of the melancholic mood

 

If you have a few friends you can get together with once in a while, that's great, I have this friend who's actually formed a supper club with 3 or 4 regulars. If you're the type that likes time to themselves, pick up something like working out at the gym, or playing tennis or swimming. The point is, you have to have something to look forward to each day, a routine that will take away that feeling of "I don't know what to do with myself!"

And yet it has to be something that you don't have to force yourself to do - it should be natural. Whatever works, even if it means taking up extra projects at work.

 

I know, all this is easier said than done - almost everyday, I tend to slip back into "walking the walk down memory lane" and thinking about him (which is pointless anyway). But hopefully, eventually we will just have better, more important stuff to focus on! You know what I think when I start feeling down because he hasn't contacted me? I think, "Whose loss is it, in the end?" Yep, it's his loss all the way. Whereas I am definitely going to get better things in life!

[latefragment]

Greenhorn, TTSP and Gonewest: thanks for your words of encouragement and your thoughtful posts... it means a lot to me that you've taken the time to reply to my post... it makes me feel like there's hope and wonderful people out there

 

Everything you've said has been very true: I've been filling my time with a ton of different hobbies, lots and lots of sports (i'm getting to be quite the athlete, I must say ... i'm being somewhat tongue-in-cheek) but the sadness is still there, beneath the surface. (although it's slowly, slowly being chipped away at)

 

My story is somewhat complicated but I've had a series of splits recently, first with a long-term, very impassioned relationship, then from two other guys i dated (not boyfriend-level, but we were getting there) who served as "replacements" for the long-term one ... I've come to realize that over the last several years, I've jumped from long-term relationship to long-term relationship as my "pacifier" if you will, for feelings of inadequacy. This latest split was pretty jarring, and it happened 2 weeks ago. For the first time in 5 years, I am single. This is new to me.

 

This is tremendous. I am finally having to face my own self, without the buffer of a "boyfriend" figure to make me feel good about myself and make me feel worthwhile. Facing myself is scary and causes me a great deal of pain because I've always had insecurity issues ... I am not liking what I see. But I've got so much to offer the world, from my skills, education, personality, sense of humor, and (five new hobbies!, just kidding) kindness and I have a desire to make a difference, however small. That is what I am looking towards. But as optimistic as I may sound now, I often turn anguished and terrified in my dark moments ... and it is indeed terrifying. Sometimes I feel like I keep on making the same mistakes in life - whether it's in a relationship, job, or whatever... and then I get to thinking, when will i ever learn? how many times will i keep on making this same mistake?

 

I know you all understand... it is difficult weaning ourselves off of the opiate of being loved in a romantic way. But I think we will all emerge much stronger, and richer, from the experience. I hope!!!! Watch me, in a couple hours my mood will swing and I'll be back on here crying gloom and doom and apocalypse!

 

But thank you all for your comments, you have great insight ...

[Jeannie]

I'm going thru the same - intense pain and hurt. Mine is pretty fresh and his birthday is July 3rd and my favorite holiday is July 4th. If you read my other posts you'll know I went thru 7 days of NC then I broke down and called him today - offered to take him out on his b-day, he agreed - conversation then turned to mud - he said he wanted to break up, etc.

 

I broke up with him this time last year - went 4 months, almost recovered and wham, he shows up on my doorstep. I took him back. We got back together last October and made it this far - then it just fell apart. He wants marriage - we've got kids, living together won't work right now - the kids don't get along. He wanted to force it - I want to wait until kids get out of high school. He wants June Cleaver/maid/wife - I want to keep our lives separate - it works better this way. He's the type that rushes into relationships - wants to immediately live together - I can't do that. My son comes first.

 

So, I got dumped because I'm not fulfilling his needs. He hasn't fulfilled mine - it's all about him, all the time. He doesn't like my son - won't accept him or be a father - he just wants me to push aside my son and make time for him and his son.

 

I have no doubt I'm doing what's best for me and my son - but he's crucified me for it again and again and I always am made to feel like the bad one. I won't commit and move in his house and be his wife - he says "I'm 47! I too old - I want to be married". I'm 42 - I'd like to be married too but to someone who accepts my son and it's a 50/50 relationship.

 

Selfish, self absorbed jerk.......... I'm so angry and hurt.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

So difficult, isn't it. And the first 2-3 months are a nightmare! But take heart, you know you're good enough for yourself, and maybe too good for him! I'm not saying this just to make you feel better - but because I applaud the fact that you have confidence in your stand. And you know what you're doing is right.

 

Of course, who wouldn't want a stable and committed relationship. For me, the reason was that he didn't want to commit, had no idea when or if at all he wanted to get married....without any apparent reason. It wasn't like I wanted to drag him and get married the next day, I'd told him I was fine as long as he had some plan for the future.

But, what really broke me down was his attitude towards me - he was completely uncaring, indifferent to my feelings, and did everything just when and how HE wanted.

 

In your case, if he is not ready to understand your perspective, and isn't willing to accept your son - it is again just as unfair as it was in my case. And I trust you would have objectively evaluated his stand and his behavior - I did too, in my case - and we can only conclude that, by all means, they are self-centred, insecure and undeserving jerks.

 

I don't know if you're still planning to take him out on his birthday....I'm guessing he's only looking forward to having somewhere to go and something to do on his birthday - it's obviously important to him. So he'll hook up with you on his birthday, and have a day that's moderately pleasant. And after that - abracadabra - he will turn back into his orginal self who wants to break up!!

Just think of it this way - if it was your birthday, would he have turned up to spend the day with you?!

 

If possible, do something else. I dread holidays and long weekends too. For the 4th of July weekend, I'm hoping to be able to go on a hike with a couple of friends. Here's what I say to myself - "you're stronger than you think"!

[Jeannie]

Since we "broke up" today - there are no plans for a birthday dinner. I was supposed to go by his house in the morning on the way to work and pick up my few items I've left at his house - instead I went over this afternoon - put his b-day card and a letter in his mailbox. Letter basically said "At least I offered to take you out on your b-day and give you a present. You broke up - it's all your fault and I don't have to feel guilty about anything - take care".

 

I was so hurt I just had to dump his b-day card off with a letter saying "Ok, here - happy b-day to you - I came to get my stuff - you're not home, whatever...".

 

I hate this empty feeling - everything seems magnified and raw.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Yes, I know how frustrating it is when you're so angry at the person, and he isn't there for you to say what you want! I used to feel really, really angry and hurt...but gradually, it's turned to feeling of disgust and contempt. I'm waiting for complete indifference - when I won't be wasting my good mind on him.

 

You put the b-day card in his mailbox, anyway. There are chances he may contact you, and if he does not, you'll feel like you want to go to him and scream and tell him exactly what he is.

The best thing is to write it all in a letter to yourself. I have a couple of such letters that I used to read everyday for almost a month. And then I realized something - beyond whatever I'd said in those letters, there really wasn't anything to say!

 

He's least concerned how hurt you might be right now, or how angry you are at this moment. It's okay to be angry, but your anger should affect the other person, not you. I used to have a cry when needed, so that the edge would come off the hurt. And then, do something that I liked.

 

You know, maybe you should check out this particular post in the "coping" section, some of us have contributed jokes there!! Nothing helps like a goooood laugh to lighten up your mood.