Jsyboy123 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 So I have known this girl for roughly 3 years (she is now 21) but she has been in a long term relationship for most of this time. However we always had a good ammount of chemistry that always went beyond being friends. We could never act on these feelings until recently as she has split up from her long term now ex boyfriend. About 3 weeks after the break up we both ended up seeing each other again at a party and got talking, which is when she advised she was now single. As we have always liked each other I knew this was a great chance to see if I could guage the situation, obviously trying to be wary she may be on the rebound. We spoke for most of the evening and towards the end of the evening I mentioned taking her out for a meal to catch up. She was very honest and said at the moment she isn't in the right place to be dating yet however mentioned she has always liked me and perhaps we could try a FWB sort of arrangement. I was a little scepticle at first as I knew we both had feelings for each other but agreed to the arrangement. She ended up back at mine that evening and the benefits ensued. The following week we exchanged messages and agreed to meet the following Sunday. However prior to meeting when she was out on the Friday night she 'drunk' messaged me saying she can't stop thinking about me. At first I wasn't quite sure what to say but she explained the morning after when she drinks her true feelings come out. We carried on as usual and met on the Sunday, once again it went as planned. During the meet we agreed to meet up on the Friday and carried on exchanging messages throughout the week. This time she stayed the night and departed in the morning. During our hangouts we get on great, she is always mentioning how her family would love me etc etc, constantly dropping hints she wants more. However since we met the Friday just gone she has gone a little cold, slower replying to my messages and this evening completely ignore my message completely. Although we have only been hooking up a few weeks I now know I don't just want the FWB arrangement and what to start actually dating, not necessaraly labeling it as such but at least take it to the next level. I feel I need to mention something to her before I potentially get too deep and the fall is harder if it doesn't go to plan. My main issue is she was the one who said as she has just come out of a long term relationship she doesn't want anything more than just the fun side of things however with the drunk text and mentioning meeting her family I feel I am getting mixed signals. Has anyone been in the same position that could shed some light on the best way to approach the situation? From my side of things my feelings for her are way to strong to have just the physical side of the relationship and nothing more. I forgot to mention, I am 25 years old and I am ready to settle down as have been single for a year or so. Thanks for any advice
smackie9 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 She has completely ignored your texts because she is back talking to her ex. This what will happen when getting involved so soon with someone right after a breakup. This girl doesn't know what she wants and is not at a good place to be jumping into a relationship. Even if she isn't talking with the ex...I suspect she realizes she is jumping the gun with you and wants to now back off. She is feeling weak and vulnerable emotionally, and being with you isn't helping her with anything...it's just keeping her weak and she isn't giving herself time to heal properly. If I were you back off, and understand her situation and that she isn't ready for what you want. TBH you should move on because you will only get hurt. 1
Popsicle Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I would say that she doesn't see you as a long-term potential and never will. I'm sorry.
fands Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 , constantly dropping hints she wants more. Start getting kinkier and kinkier in the bedroom. And other places, of course. If she finally says, "I'm not letting you put it there!" then you have your answer. Otherwise, you'll both be ready to take it to the sub-level just under the level above the current level. 2
bu2002 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Give her space to let her figure things out. It might be awhile though. She will need closure from her now ex before proceeding forward into another relationship. I would also just continue to date other girls that pique your interest. 2
Dork Vader Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I don't think you should worry to much at this point. She is going to be all over the place emotionally and she is going to need space. Think about it, she's just getting out of a 3 year relationship. It does NOT mean she is getting back with her ex. It just means that she could be feeling overwhelmed with emotions right now. If you want a relationship with her. I suggest you take the relationship for what it is now. Quit worrying about making it more, if you two continue to carry on intimately and she continues to involve you more in her life, you'll get the relationship eventually. Don't worry about the title, don't worry about her not responding instantly. Just give her space, when she needs it. People can and do get emotionally drained, they need time to recharge their batteries. Patience and enjoy the relationship for what it is! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 She very likely won't be ready for anything more than a physical arrangement for a while. If she's fairly fresh off the break-up, her emotions are naturally going to be all over the place as she deals with that - hence her inconsistency with you. Give her space. Let her come to you when she's ready. Date others in the meantime. 1
Author Jsyboy123 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) Thanks for everyone's input, "Fands" that did half make me chuckle!! I know I agreed to the no strings attached arrangement so I know I have to deal with the potential fall out, it wasn't the ideal arrangement I was looking for but I think because I'd fancied the pants off the girl for so long I just agreed to it in the hope I wouldn't develop feelings so quickly (naive I know). She did actually message me this morning apologizing for not responding, she explained it was down to a family issue she had and didn't want to respond to me if she was not going to be herself in the response. She has tried to keep the contact going as she has asked me a couple of day to day questions (eg how's was your day, you get up to much? etc). I personally think she is emotionally unavailable at this time due to the break up (only been 6 weeks) and clearly I'm the opposite. Forgot to mention her close friends and family are aware of us, whether this is a good thing at this stage I'm not too sure. Might be clutching at straws right now because I know what I want and she more than likely doesn't. Edited June 13, 2016 by Jsyboy123
Justanaverageguy Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I personally think she is emotionally unavailable at this time due to the break up (only been 6 weeks) and clearly I'm the opposite. Forgot to mention her close friends and family are aware of us, whether this is a good thing at this stage I'm not too sure. Might be clutching at straws right now because I know what I want and she more than likely doesn't. I think with this girl if you are able to simply play it cool, not be too pushy or needy and just have fun and see where it leads without needing to validate what type of relationship it is - you might eventually end up together. But based on what you are typing I'm not sure you are capable of that. You are already talking about her family and wanting to settle down etc. Seems like your hell bent on pushing for more which I think would be pretty much sure fire way to kill what ever you have. Shes clearly not in the mind space to think about having a serious relationship discussion. Stop putting pressure on the situation and just relax and see where it goes. If you can't do that its probably best to walk away. 2
Author Jsyboy123 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 I think with this girl if you are able to simply play it cool, not be too pushy or needy and just have fun and see where it leads without needing to validate what type of relationship it is - you might eventually end up together. But based on what you are typing I'm not sure you are capable of that. You are already talking about her family and wanting to settle down etc. I agree completely with what you are saying, I've always been an all or nothing sort of person and have never done the FWB before. All my sexual partners bar 2 (one night stands) have been relationships so adjusting to something more casual hasn't been quite as easy as I had hoped.
joseb Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 You either enjoy this as no strings sex or you drop it completely. She is only a few weeks out of her long term relationship, nowhere near ready for that. Even if you can convince her to be in a relationship she will resent you for it. And you will get hurt. 2
Author Jsyboy123 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) You either enjoy this as no strings sex or you drop it completely. She is only a few weeks out of her long term relationship, nowhere near ready for that. Even if you can convince her to be in a relationship she will resent you for it. And you will get hurt. Thanks for the advice, I agree she isn't ready to take it to the next stage and could resent me if I try and pressure her into anything more for now. From what I have gathered from the above, keep it casual, keep my options open and try not to over analyze everything as at the moment she isn't ready to embark into anything more serious. Edited June 13, 2016 by Jsyboy123
ExpatInItaly Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Also, generally speaking, FWB-arrangements aren't a good idea when one person has feelings. Unless and until she is healed and ready to really move on, I would strongly advise you not to sleep with her. 1
joseb Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Thanks for the advice, I agree she isn't ready to take it to the next stage and could resent me if I try and pressure her into anything more for now. From what I have gathered from the above, keep it casual, keep my options open and try not to over analyze everything as at the moment she isn't ready to embark into anything more serious. Yes, but don't kid yourself if you really have feelings and are going to fall for her. Some people are able to do FWB, many are not. 1
smackie9 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 When they start to sense your strong feelings for them, most of the time they will push away because they know they can't reciprocate.....they start to feel awkward and guilty. 1
Author Jsyboy123 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 When they start to sense your strong feelings for them, most of the time they will push away because they know they can't reciprocate.....they start to feel awkward and guilty. When you say "they", are you referring to someone out of a relationship who has opted in for a FWB relationship? As I mentioned in my very original post it was her that seemed to be the one who opened up about her feelings by saying "I don't want to say it, but I can't stop thinking about you" and then the following morning basically saying when she has a drink her true feelings come out. Receiving that particular message got me wondering if it was just a flippant message or whether she was being sincere.
dumbass2 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 When you say "they", are you referring to someone out of a relationship who has opted in for a FWB relationship? As I mentioned in my very original post it was her that seemed to be the one who opened up about her feelings by saying "I don't want to say it, but I can't stop thinking about you" and then the following morning basically saying when she has a drink her true feelings come out. Receiving that particular message got me wondering if it was just a flippant message or whether she was being sincere. Why don't you ask? I've never been in a FWB situation, but I assume communication is just as important as a relationship. Check in with her and see you both are on the same page. If not, better to know now, but communicate and stop wondering.
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