My take on the sensitive guy

[bachdude]

Being in the arts I have had to, by necessity, cultivate the emotional and sensitive side of myself and not be inhibited to express it. I am in the business of interpreting some of the greatest musical works of art in western culture and I will completely fail at it if I am not "sensitive".

 

The deep and complex emotions of the inner lives of these fascinating, often esoteric personalities in musical history, are contained in these compositions and no interpreter will succeed without allowing him or herself to be engrossed in these emotions and experience them. Sometimes the emotions expressed in these compositions are obvious. Sometimes they are very nuanced. Either way, it demands sensitivity to pull it off. You can't be inhibited. You have to put yourself out there. You need to let yourself feel.

 

While in college, my teacher spent countless hours working with her students, to bring us out of our shells, to develop this side of ourselves, and to be expressive and imaginative in our playing. And I'm forever thankful I was a part of that.

 

This inevitably carries over into my non-musical world. How could it not? I am still the same person after all. My eyes well up when listening to certain musical pieces. They are so profoundly beautiful and touch at the deepest level. My eyes well up for non-musical events as well such as movies, nature, human interest news stories, etc. To me, this is called living life to the fullest.

 

But all of this colors my perception of the whole "sensitive guy" phenomena that gets discussed a lot on relationship forums. It baffles me why some guys and some women want to put men in this "box" (or prison as it seems to me) where men have to be someone they are not; some sort of weird Vulcan dude or Marlboro man. To me, this is the male equivalent of the Stepford Wives.

 

I hate to break it to you macho guys out there and women who want a more stoic type of guy, but there isn't any such person. Men are humans, and by definition they have emotions, insecurities, and vulnerabilities. Shocking!!!!

 

On this very forum, I read a post where a married man admitted he goes to counseling so he can express his struggles and insecurities to a counselor, who happens to be female, so his wife doesn't have to hear it because he knows she likes her man to be the rock and support.

 

I know many guys who like to have female friends simply because they feel they can be more vulnerable to them. But I wonder how many women, who want the more Marlboro type, would feel about their guys opening up their vulnerabilities and insecurities to other women, like female friends. Of course, they wouldn't like it! They prefer these poor men to be in a sort of emotional slavery to them.

 

So what do these guys do? What are their choices? Their macho male buddies wouldn't be good at listening to their vulnerabilities. Their GFs or wives wouldn't like them opening up to female friends either. So these guys, to be proper, pay good money for a professional counselor!! Some prefer a female counselor because it is perceived as less threatening. How sad. Some guys literally hide their very nature to please their GF or wife. Their wives and girlfriends literally do not know them! These guys' counselors or, if they are allowed, female friends, literally know them better than their own wives do!

 

Intimacy comes from the verb "intimate", which means "to reveal" or "to make known" (i.e. "John intimated he is female"). Intimacy results from two people revealing their true selves to each other. We need physical and emotional intimacy in marriage. What is the point of relationships without intimacy in all its aspects? It sounds empty, nothing but a hollow shell.

 

So there you go. My take on the sensitive guy and my commentary on how it relates to relationships. It comes from the heart (a sensitive guy thing I guess!)

[katiegrl]

I think you find a woman who enjoys what you enjoy, music, movies, the arts, etc ..... who also feels things deeply, and appreciates and embraces your sensitive nature...

 

I don't believe it's one of the other - macho or sensitive.

 

A man can certainly be every bit a MAN but also feel things deeply (most men do!), expressive and sensitive.

 

The problem arises when men lose their backbone and allow women to jerk them around and the men fail to stand up for themselves.

 

Or when men become *too* emotionally needy and suffocate a woman with that neediness...

 

There should be a balance .....we all possess a combo of feminine and masculine energy.

 

So just continue being who YOU are, embrace it, own it, do not allow others to dictate who should be to please them.

 

If they don't like it, show them the door... be true to yourself!

 

People (women) will respect you for it!

[Buddhist]

Personally I hate the macho/alpha/ whatever male stereotype and feel infuriated by women who harp on about this being what a 'real man' is. What about the rest of the population who don't happen to consider an emotionally stunted individual jacked up on testosterone to be a 'real man"?

 

No thanks. I'm take the sensitive guy any day, at least he has semblance of being in touch with his emotional state. F gender roles and all the attending crap that comes along with it.

[bachdude]

I think you find a woman who enjoys what you enjoy, music, movies, the arts, etc ..... who also feels things deeply, and appreciates and embraces your sensitive nature...

 

I don't believe it's one of the other - macho or sensitive.

 

A man can certainly be every bit a MAN but also feel things deeply (most men do!), expressive and sensitive.

 

The problem arises when men lose their backbone and allow women to jerk them around and the men fail to stand up for themselves.

 

Or when men become *too* emotionally needy and suffocate a woman with that neediness...

 

There should be a balance .....we all possess a combo of feminine and masculine energy.

 

So just continue being who YOU are, embrace it, own it, do not allow others to dictate who should be to please them.

 

If they don't like it, show them the door... be true to yourself!

 

People (women) will respect you for it!

 

Thanks for the comments, katiegrl. I agree that the "sensitive guy" needs to find someone who appreciates that side of him. And I agree that emotional immaturity (neediness) is a relationship killer too.

 

But I am more concerned with this "box" that many men AND women want to puts guys into. To me, it feels completely de-humanizing, and honestly, I feel some resentment towards it. I want women to recognize that their Marlboro man BF who rides his Harley has a complex inner life, and they don't even know it! How sad!

[bachdude]

Personally I hate the macho/alpha/ whatever male stereotype and feel infuriated by women who harp on about this being what a 'real man' is. What about the rest of the population who don't happen to consider an emotionally stunted individual jacked up on testosterone to be a 'real man"?

 

No thanks. I'm take the sensitive guy any day, at least he has semblance of being in touch with his emotional state. F gender roles and all the attending crap that comes along with it.

 

Thank you, Buddhist. We see eye to eye on this.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Bachdude, you make a good point about the gender expectations on men. I completely agree that marriages (and other relationships for that matter) could benefit from men expressing their emotions more freely.

 

When I think of all the times I have heard women complain about not being able to communicate with her partner, "He shuts down", "He wont talk to me", "I ask how he is feeling or what he is thinking and he responds with fine or nothing" it makes your post even more poignant.

 

If some of these men are holding on to ideal of the idea of "manliness" at the expense of their own emotions and feelings that is truly sad. I think given the choice most women would prefer a deeper level of intimacy and understanding of her partner rather than an aloof "tough guy".

[bachdude]

Bachdude, you make a good point about the gender expectations on men. I completely agree that marriages (and other relationships for that matter) could benefit from men expressing their emotions more freely.

 

When I think of all the times I have heard women complain about not being able to communicate with her partner, "He shuts down", "He wont talk to me", "I ask how he is feeling or what he is thinking and he responds with fine or nothing" it makes your post even more poignant.

 

If some of these men are holding on to ideal of the idea of "manliness" at the expense of their own emotions and feelings that is truly sad. I think given the choice most women would prefer a deeper level of intimacy and understanding of her partner rather than an aloof "tough guy".

 

Thanks, Scarlett.O'hara. Good points as well.

 

I think you are right that most women prefer a deeper level of intimacy. However, in a little research on relationship forums on this topic, I still found a sizable percentage of women who prefer a guy who is closer to the Marlboro man type.

 

And I think there are a lot of guys who read the dating advice of Dr. Love and others who tell them that women, no matter what they say, will stay attracted to them longer if they develop a more Marlboro type personality.

 

So as a guy, I can say that there is still some significant pressure to conform.

 

I had a GF tell me she felt uncomfortable when I got a little teary eyed. She said she prefers that her man be the support and she be the one who cries.

 

It's out there.

 

Yes, it is sad.

[carhill]

Part of many male's attractiveness is that desire, by a real or prospective mate, for a deeper level of intimacy. Desire fuels attraction. A successful man gives glimpses of that sensitive side but doesn't embrace it openly and conspicuously. Back in the day, once I shut the natural sensitive side down, success with women improved markedly. An ancillary benefit was improved friendships with males who prior had been turned off or found little in common. In total it was win-win. However, while married, I did bobble during caregiving and viewed my exW's respect for me slipping away. Fair enough. That's the breaks in life.

 

TBH, I still see the 'manly man' stuff in my friends, who can be on death's door and not break a sweat or utter a word of pain or fear, even though we've all known each other forever and they know their vulnerabilities are safe with me. That's just how life works, for some anyway.

 

My choice was, after divorcing, to live life authentically and take the results as exactly what they are and to also accept that, as consequences from those decades, some of those sensitive and loving and compassionate natures are gone forever. That's OK. Others benefited from them for a long time. I'm good with that.

[bachdude]

 

My choice was, after divorcing, to live life authentically and take the results as exactly what they are and to also accept that, as consequences from those decades, some of those sensitive and loving and compassionate natures are gone forever. That's OK. Others benefited from them for a long time. I'm good with that.

 

They don't seem gone to me at all. I sense quite a bit of left in you just from this post.

[carhill]

The main change is demonstration versus internal, meaning a lifetime of doing something creates an autopilot of sorts irrespective of the internal stuff.

 

My best explanation is the combination of marriage, caregiving, divorce and death all in one particular period killed something inside but the motions are still there running on autopilot. Contrary to how it might appear, this dearth has actually promoted more health, stronger boundaries and a period of genuine peace. A balance of sorts. The freedom from the negatives of the sensitive soul has been just that, freeing.

 

TBH, I think the ladies still like an attractive guy whether he's sensitive or not. If he's not attractive, well, heh, one more reason for him to be not attractive. Like is a pretty nebulous and ever-changing thing. Here one moment, poof the next. That's life!

[Jabron1]

So as a guy, I can say that there is still some significant pressure to conform.

 

I had a GF tell me she felt uncomfortable when I got a little teary eyed. She said she prefers that her man be the support and she be the one who cries.

 

It's out there.

 

Yes, it is sad.

 

lol

 

Consider it a Faustian pact

[Gaeta]

My boyfriend is very sensitive. He gets tears in his eyes watching movies and his feelings get hurt very easily with little things. He is not afraid to express he is sad or hurt so in that matter he is a very sensitive man.

 

All of his other sides are very masculine though.

 

He works in constructions, he can build anything, he's strong, confident and he gets home after work covered in dirt and testosterone! That is the perfect balance between his feminine and masculine side.

 

So if you are super sensitive, if you spend more time in front of the mirror than I do, if you can't kill a spider, if you can't fix anything in fear to scrap your manicure... your feminine side may just be too strong for most ladies.

[Under The Radar]

As a man, my sensitivity has done more to help enrich my life rather than diminish it. I too find it sad when people, of any gender, feel they cannot truly be themselves.

 

I think I understand many of the reasons this happens: It was taught to them by family or friends, they were bullied growing up, rejection from the opposite sex, and a host of other factors to be sure.

 

I wish those men didn't always feel the need to tether themselves to stoicism at the expense of their emotional health. The people I see around me who are the happiest manifest a balance between the masculine and feminine traits.

 

I don't subscribe to gender norms and have never felt ill effects as a result. In fact, I don't even identify as a man first ...... I identify as a human being first ...... and I try to treat people of either gender the way I would like to be treated.

 

Yes, strength is often seen as attractive, but in my experience empathy and sensitivity are high on the list when seeking a meaningful connection with other people.

 

I don't think it's desirable or even realistic to connect with everyone. I think the goal should be to connect with the RIGHT people.