Kathrynrae Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 My boyfriend of 10 years and I decided to take a break. The break is caused by a couple reasons, mainly infidelity on both sides and lack of ambition to improve our quality of life. We still love each other but aren't in love. It seems like we lost who we are along the way and aren't sure how to get back. I ended up moving out and that's been difficult. We've talked on the phone once and a few times by text and kept it pretty superficial. I'm emotionally confused because one day he's nice and concerned about me and the next he's the complete opposite. How do I explain this to friends and family who ask about the situation? How do I deal with the fact that he seems to be coping better with this than I am?
smudge21 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 Don't presume you know how he's feeling. We all have that thing that shows people outside one part but inside can be totally different. All you can do is focus on you and your feelings. As for what other people think, well, it's really none of their business. But if you must tell them, just say the same you've just posted on here to a bunch of strangers, that you're on a break. You both have issues that need working on. Maybe they can be fixed, but maybe also the relationship has run it's course. Only time will tell. Focus on what is best for you, not him or other people.
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 I don't believe in breaks, relationship are a in or out thing. It's normally code for step aside while I give these new guy/gal a try, if it don't work then I'm coming back. But that's me. I think in these kinds of things you get caught in this stats of limbo because of indecision. Decide what you what first that will give you direction. I sense this is more you then him on the break thing, and you seem upset that he isn't more upset. Lastly why not married after 10 years, have you always been unfaithful?
central Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 If you're not "in love" anymore, make the break a permanent break UP, and move on. It sounds like this relationship is over and done. There is no point in forcing it to continue, IMO, unless you have kids together, but even then, it may not work and you should move on.
Author Kathrynrae Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 I still love him and can still see him as the father of my kids one day. What I want is for us to work through our issues and come back better than ever. I have to admit that this break was mainly his idea but I kinda see why it had to happen. We've actually been engaged for two years but never got around to planning a wedding.
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 I still love him and can still see him as the father of my kids one day. What I want is for us to work through our issues and come back better than ever. I have to admit that this break was mainly his idea but I kinda see why it had to happen. We've actually been engaged for two years but never got around to planning a wedding. So how does this break help? So it was your infidelity that resulted in this?
Author Kathrynrae Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 Supposedly this break is for both of us to find who we are as individuals and get redirection in life. Infidelity was a factor and the trust issues that followed as well.
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 I already know the answer, but you are dancing around the question. Your unwillingness to acknowledge you were unfaithful could be most of the issue behind the lack of trust. I was cheated on by my wife, I can help you have more of an idea of what he is looking for. It starts with being open and honest.
Author Kathrynrae Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 I acknowledged my unfaithfulness to him. My actions play a big part in the issue,as do his actions.
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 I acknowledged my unfaithfulness to him. My actions play a big part in the issue,as do his actions. Are you owning it or do you believe it's in some way his fault?
BC1980 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 What I want is for us to work through our issues and come back better than ever. I have to admit that this break was mainly his idea but I kinda see why it had to happen. We've actually been engaged for two years but never got around to planning a wedding. You want to work through your issues, but does he want that? If he doesn't want that, then you need to go your separate ways. Why do you think the break had to happen?
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 Say I cheat but or because is so different then saying I cheated it's not a reflection of you or our relationship but a reflection of me and my boundaries and the way I cope with things. I will work on these things and do everything in my power to make it right.
lolablue17 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 A break means to be separated, in order to see of you're better off without each other. So do it. Act like a separated woman. Be a single. Don't wait for him, move on. That's what he does, why don't you?
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 A break means to be separated, in order to see of you're better off without each other. So do it. Act like a separated woman. Be a single. Don't wait for him, move on. That's what he does, why don't you? Because she wants to be with him 1
Author Kathrynrae Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 I owned my cheating. I don't really think it was his fault I cheated. In one of our conversations he said he wanted us to work through our issues. If we can't work through them we will split. I think the break needed to happen because my life became all about him. I had nothing happening outside of our relationship. Its like I lost who I was as an individual.
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 I owned my cheating. I don't really think it was his fault I cheated. In one of our conversations he said he wanted us to work through our issues. If we can't work through them we will split. I think the break needed to happen because my life became all about him. I had nothing happening outside of our relationship. Its like I lost who I was as an individual. So you cheated to reclaim yourself?
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 You don't REALLY blame him, means you do blame him. You both own 50% of the blame for the state the relationship is in, but you are 100% to blame for cheating
Author Kathrynrae Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 I never said I didn't blame myself for cheating. I hate myself for it and I regret it every day
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 I never said I didn't blame myself for cheating. I hate myself for it and I regret it every day You messed up, we are only human and we all do it. You can't change that it happened, but hating yourself isn't going to help. It's time to truly figure out how you got to that point. Is the other guy still in the picture?
Author Kathrynrae Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 I hate myself because I'd never cheated on anyone before. Its been years since it ended and I'm still trying to figure out how I got to that point. The guy is not in the picture anymore but being from the same small town I have seen him in passing.
DKT3 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 By chance, has he cheated on you since your affair (?) Ended
Author Kathrynrae Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 He said he had cheated but I'm not sure about the time frame.
BC1980 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I owned my cheating. I don't really think it was his fault I cheated. In one of our conversations he said he wanted us to work through our issues. If we can't work through them we will split. I think the break needed to happen because my life became all about him. I had nothing happening outside of our relationship. Its like I lost who I was as an individual. It's one thing to say that you want to work through your issues. It's another thing to actually work through them. To actually take steps to work together as a couple like counseling or talking through things and changing your actions. I don't believe that he truly wants to work on things if he's not doing it. I don't think you need a break to have a life outside your relationship. The fact that he wanted the break will hopefully force you to find yourself apart from him. 1
BC1980 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I hate myself because I'd never cheated on anyone before. Its been years since it ended and I'm still trying to figure out how I got to that point. The guy is not in the picture anymore but being from the same small town I have seen him in passing. Most relationships don't survive cheating. Especially since both of you cheated. You would need couples counseling to even begin to work on this. 1
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