Begging and bad BU from dumpers perspective: it is unrepairable?

[Murmillo]

Hi everyone,

 

Begging

It is widely known on this forum that begging and pleading is one of the worst things you can do after a break up since it only pushes the dumper further away. I was wondering of the damage of a bad BU is permanent in most cases or whether these feelings subside over time after enough NC and no more begging IF THERE EVER WAS REAL LOVE.

 

Some information on myself:

 

The relationship:

Was together with an extremely beautiful, sweet and smart woman (now 27) for 2,5 years (last 6 months were LDR). During our relationship I had some commitment issues and sometimes took her for granted because I was young and stupid (I am 2 years younger than her). We had an amazing relationship, the best relationship we both had and we were very much in love. However, there were always a lot of uncertainties, she was from another country and we never really knew what our plans would be for the next year(s). Add my commitment issues to that situation and you can understand that it was sometimes not easy for her.

 

Troughout our relationship I was often the one that pushed her away a little bit... I needed some space at times because I had some issues with myself and relationships and she definitely wanted more than I could give her. However, this changed when she went abroad for an internship. I finally got some space to put things in my life into perspective and I felt like I matured a lot when it comes to relationships when she went away. Over the next months I really felt that I was ready for that next step in our relationship; I could finally give her what she wanted for so long! I did not tell her right away because I wanted to be sure that this was not just a phase (I was going to some health issues at that point which caused me to be quite depressed and irrational).

 

The break up

We saw each other for the first time in 5 months during NYE and we had an amazing time together. After that holiday I made up my mind: this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with and I felt amazing knowing that I felt my issues with commitment were subsiding. All I needed was some space...

 

Too late....

 

Two weeks after that she turned really cold... I got worried and asked her if there was something wrong. She told me her feelings had changed... My whole world crashed... Finally I was ready for the next step and now this... She did not give me any other reasons because she just did not know what it was... This made it so much more difficult to accept the situation...I kept on texting and calling for 2 weeks and then she made it official: we were 'on a break'. She felt like she needed to be more clear and she needed space. Again, another blow to my emotions and I again kept on texting and calling. She still stayed nice and respectful by answering and picking up everytime I called. There were moments where she also felt emotional and she often told me she was thinking about me, that she missed me and that she thought we would somehow end up together... One day she even called me up crying and telling me she was afraid that she might regret her decision later. She also said that she hoped her feelings would come back again.

 

If I only looked up on google how the behave during a break up if you want someone back at that very moment...

 

Three weeks went by and I still could not accept the situation so I kept on pestering her. This is when she started to get more angry when I contacted her to ask the same questions again. She now told me that we were officially broken up and that I needed to accept the sitution and respect her feelings... She also stopped saying nice things about me. When I asked her about that she said: I still think positive about you but I don't have to say it everytime I have a positive thought. For one week I managed to leave her alone a bit but then the texting started again. I was so depressed (not just because of the BU, I was already in a depression when all this happened) that I told her I did not want to live anymore and that I thought I would never find anyone like her. She said this was not good and unhealthy and that it only confirmed that she made right decision. I asked her if she still meant what she said earlier, that we would somehow end up together. She told me that she was not excluding that but that she thought it is unlikely that that will happen and that I need to move on because we were not together anymore.

 

In sum, my ex wanted space and I refused to give it to her because I felt it would make her forget about me and because I could not accept the situation for what it was. I pestered her for 8-9 weeks (not constantly but on and off) and probably pushed her even more away...

 

Back to begging, pestering and bad break ups

I was wondering a few things

 

- Is begging worse in one situation compared to the other? I have read about people who already got angry at the begging after a few days but my ex for example stayed patient with me for weeks. I can for example understand that if you felt neglected in relationship or when you were not sure if the other was really into you and you broke up because of that begging is more accepted compared to a situation where you broke up with someone because they were too needy in the first place.

 

- Is there ever a chance to recover from this behavior? With recovering I of course do not only mean recover your self respect but also to get back together? Have you ever been in a situation where someone pushed you so far away at some point after the break up but that these feelings subsided over time and you opened up more to them and even had thoughts of a future together again? Again, only answer this if you were really serious about each other and your future together.

 

- For the dumpers: Have you ever said things that you didn't mean just to get more space? During my last fight with my ex 2 months ago (-ish) she got pretty angry and I asked her: "so you want to close the door forever?" And she said 'if that makes you stop this, then yes!' Break up coach Clay Andrews said that with exes you should always look at the emotional CONTEXT rather than the CONTENT of what they are saying...

 

Really curious to what you guys have to say about this. Please only respond when you can elaborate, so no 'just go NC bruh, it's alpha' or 'she is your ex for a reason' etc.

[Satu]

snip

 

- *Is there ever a chance to recover from this behavior? With recovering I of course do not only mean recover your self respect but also to get back together? Have you ever been in a situation where someone pushed you so far away at some point after the break up but that these feelings subsided over time and you opened up more to them and even had thoughts of a future together again? Again, only answer this if you were really serious about each other and your future together.

 

- For the dumpers: **Have you ever said things that you didn't mean just to get more space? During my last fight with my ex 2 months ago (-ish) she got pretty angry and I asked her: "so you want to close the door forever?" And she said 'if that makes you stop this, then yes!' Break up coach Clay Andrews said that with exes you should always look at the emotional CONTEXT rather than the CONTENT of what they are saying...

 

Really curious to what you guys have to say about this. ***Please only respond when you can elaborate, so no 'just go NC brush, it's alpha' or 'she is your ex for a reason' etc.

 

*Its possible, but unlikely. Begging is one of the most effective ways of alienating a person. Its manipulative, and feels like manipulation. It also destroys any respect that person might have for the one begging. The end result is them just wanting you to go away and leave them alone.

 

**They meant it when they said it. Whether that becomes a continuing viewpoint depends on the overall context.

 

***People will respond as they see fit. As long as they stick within the forum guidelines, they are free to do exactly that.

 

 

Take care.

[NIGHT1985]

Anything can happen, everyone's situation is different. When me and my ex broke up the first time, she started dating someone new, but I knew she wasn't over me. I begged and pleaded and promised change. Eventually she told me she had no spark with him and was willing to take things slow. We got back together but ended up splitting for the same reasons we broke up for. So yes, it can happen, but is it worth it? Are you sure you're ready and really willing to be who she needs?

[Murmillo]

snip

 

 

*Its possible, but unlikely. Begging is one of the most effective ways of alienating a person. Its manipulative, and feels like manipulation. It also destroys any respect that person might have for the one begging. The end result is them just wanting you to go away and leave them alone.

 

**They meant it when they said it. Whether that becomes a continuing viewpoint depends on the overall context.

 

***People will respond as they see fit. As long as they stick within the forum guidelines, they are free to do exactly that.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Thank you for your response! I forgot to add something to my post btw. A few weeks after I stopped pastering her I wrote her an email where I apologized for making her uncertain during our relationship, showed understanding, talked about a few nice memories, told her I accepted the BU and most importantly; I apologized for my bad BU behavior.

 

This was her response:

 

Dear Paikel*,

 

 

 

I had to cry now as I read your beautiful letter.. You do have a way with words, and that is the journalist in you! I am certain you will be an amazing writer (and you already are). I really appreciate how you wrote this email, and explained everything so nicely. It does explain a lot, and it makes sense too.

 

 

 

 

You know I really think you are an amazing human being, and I will never judge you based on the past months.. I understand the situation was quite extreme in many ways which led to these reactions. I also did not know how to react well in many instances, which also might have made it worse for you. I also think back a lot at all the amazing moments we shared together, and so much you taught me and opened my mind to. You made me a better person and I will never forget that (I do not mean to talk so much in terms of memories and forget as it sounds so "final", because I also share your thoughts about still being friends and in contact). I also therefore want to thank you for being in my life, you will always be special to me.

 

 

 

 

It feels strange to not speak so often with you although I felt this is what I need now, and again I honestly mean that I do think about you a lot and I hope you are happy. I also think about what you are doing, how you are at work and I picture you having a wonderful time in Berlin (and it makes me happy when I picture you happy). I am very glad that you are working on getting to know and be comfertable with yourself - as someone as wonderful as you ought to be! When you said you are doing a project I am curious what it is, and I hope you are enjoying it and I would like to hear more about it some time. I also just finished a book called "The Circle", and for some reason I think you would really like it.. I read it in only two days. The thoughts of the character "Mercer" reminded me a bit of how I felt you saw the world (which was very good, inspiring and cool). If you read it I am curious to hear what you think.

 

 

 

 

You know there is a baby pug living in my apartment here, called Pepper. Everytime I see her I think of you!

 

 

 

 

Thank you again for the beautiful e-mail and for taking time to explaining everything and being so understanding. I really appreciate it a lot and it shows how great you are.

 

 

 

 

Love,

 

Padde**

 

Paikel=My nickname (it was the first in 2 months she called me that again ).

Padde= Her nickname

 

You think this helped to decrease her reactance towards me? After that letter she also started reaching out more (once every 10 days on average), only superficial stuff though.

[Satu]

snip

*You think this helped to decrease her reactance towards me? After that letter she also started reaching out more (once every 10 days on average), only superficial stuff though.

 

I don't know, but she does seem to still have some fond feelings towards you.

 

Just a question:

 

You describe your behaviour towards her as 'pestering.'

 

At what point did you realise that you were doing that?

[Murmillo]

snip

 

 

I don't know, but she does seem to still have some fond feelings towards you.

 

Just a question:

 

You describe your behaviour towards her as 'pestering.'

 

At what point did you realise that you were doing that?

 

My main problem was not so much begging now I think about it. I never asked her pleeeeease take me back, I will do anything for you etc.

 

The main problem is that I kept on asking her questions about us. She didn't really have any explanations about what it is that made her feel different about me. She said different things. She went from 'maybe we are just different' to 'I fell we grew apart' 'I changed' which made me even more confused.

 

It was after 6 weeks that I started to read on the internet about break ups and at that point I realized what I had been doing. After that I think it only happened 2 times that we those kind of discussions again.

[Murmillo]

Anything can happen, everyone's situation is different. When me and my ex broke up the first time, she started dating someone new, but I knew she wasn't over me. I begged and pleaded and promised change. Eventually she told me she had no spark with him and was willing to take things slow. We got back together but ended up splitting for the same reasons we broke up for. So yes, it can happen, but is it worth it? Are you sure you're ready and really willing to be who she needs?

 

100%. I would do anything for her because she deserves someone that does that for her.

[HoldFrame]

Cancelled.

Edited June 14, 2016 by HoldFrame

[gaig]

Damn.. While I was reading your thread, everything was so familiar I thought I am accidentally reading again my first post here!

 

Especially this "too late" of yours I did it on exactly rhe same timing..! Late

 

It is very hard to know that you let someone's feelings go off because it took you some extra time to receive this epiphany. Now you cannot do anything, you have to let her work it alone, although 95% during these situations (according to what I'm reading here) they always stop to this "what if" and never get a bit more brave than that.

It appears to me that in the female brain there is a need to support their decision even if their heart has doubts, as if they would look like crazy and unstable to us in case they reach out to talk about these seconds thoughts they have and potentially try again. They don't get that our (some of us I guess) feelings are so strong that we just want a second chance to correct the wrongs.

They could be afraid that we might use this 180 turn against them in a future fight, which I cannot forclose. Especially if the break is fresh. We might fall into the same mistakes too soon and prove their hesitance correct.