Teknoe Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 So for the past number of years I've had friends and family suggest I date this girl or that girl (usually a friend or family friend). As much as I appreciate them looking out for me, I see the girls they've offered and it's like, really? No disrespect to that girl but really? So my mom and dad have been telling me about this family friend of ours. I never met her, but she's the 30 year old daughter of one of my dad's good friends. Today I was going to finally meet her. I came in with zero expectations and honestly expected the worst. Imagine my surprise when I saw her -- she was actually nice looking (not a knockout, but definitely cute. Great smile). Even better, she seems really sweet and patient. Simple gal, which is the type of woman I always saw myself with since I'm a very simple guy at heart. So my parents talked with her parents in the living room while I talked with her. It was kind of interesting. Then we walked around a park for a bit all six of us, lol, and then we went out to dinner. I drove her in my car while the parents drove together in their own car. I felt like she and I had pretty good chemistry, and I found her smiling at me or laughing at my jokes. So all good signs. At the end of dinner after I drove her back, I got her number and she got mine. She mentioned hanging out again sometime and I said that sounds good. So I'll probably text her sometime early next week and offer a day to get together again (but this time just the two of us). As a side note, both her parents and my parents are pushing for us to marry (they are good friends with each other and already approve of me and her). I'm not sure if she knows this, but it wouldn't shock me if she does (since I know, I figure she should know, too). So I'm kind of wondering... should I offer her to hang out again, or should I be more forward and call it a date? I'm even pondering whether I should openly talk to her about how our parents are trying to set us up, and after meeting her that I would be interested in dating her and seeing if we're truly a good match for each other. I don't know if that would be too "heavy" or "serious" but I think this is the kind of girl that might appreciate that sort of intentional mindset. I guess one could argue for "keep things light, have fun and it'll naturally progress if there's chemistry" as well as "It's best to be honest and lay your cards out there -- at least that way there is no confusion!" Thoughts, opinions? BTW, I was recently rejected from a girl I dated two times. This was just last week. Now a week later I meet this new girl and things so far at least seem somewhat promising. It's funny how a week can change things.
Els Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 As much as I appreciate them looking out for me, I see the girls they've offered and it's like, really? No disrespect to that girl but really? This is a really odd thing to say. I mean, I can totally understand if you had said 'they weren't my type' or somesuch, but this makes it sound like you think you were 'better' than them somehow. So I'm kind of wondering... should I offer her to hang out again, or should I be more forward and call it a date? Call it a date IMO. I'm even pondering whether I should openly talk to her about how our parents are trying to set us up, and after meeting her that I would be interested in dating her and seeing if we're truly a good match for each other. I'd run REALLY fast if a guy said something like this on a 2nd date, but then again I'm very much not a fan of parental matchmaking in general. Probably a good idea to ask someone within your culture who is more accepting of parental matchmaking. 4
bu2002 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 So I'm kind of wondering... should I offer her to hang out again, or should I be more forward and call it a date. You call it a date without any question I'm even pondering whether I should openly talk to her about how our parents are trying to set us up, and after meeting her that I would be interested in dating her and seeing if we're truly a good match for each other. No. You keep going out with her provided there's mutual interest without discussing the parents. Given the parents attitude, I wouldn't even disclose a whole lot about the fact you two are continuing to see each other, unless your dating life is something you regularly discuss with your parents. 1
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 ^^ This. Nothing would kill a budding relationship more than a discussion about parents/parental expectations. Just focus on getting to know each other and have fun! 1
Author Teknoe Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 This is a really odd thing to say. I mean, I can totally understand if you had said 'they weren't my type' or somesuch, but this makes it sound like you think you were 'better' than them somehow. Call it a date IMO. I'd run REALLY fast if a guy said something like this on a 2nd date, but then again I'm very much not a fan of parental matchmaking in general. Probably a good idea to ask someone within your culture who is more accepting of parental matchmaking. Thanks for the feedback. My wording on that one could have been better, sorry I wrote it late at night. That's what I meant to say -- they weren't my type. So call it a date huh? But never talk about the parents. Got it. Well she just texted me not long ago saying it was nice to meet me. I just told her next off day we should grab a bite to eat, but I didn't use the word date. Wanted to keep it pressure free.
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 Sounds great! You could always "grab a bite to eat" and then when you tell her you had a good time as you say goodbye, ask if she will go on a "date" then... Good luck to you;)
Buddhist Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 Go for ask her out and call it a date. It really doesn't matter how people get together, if they are meant to meet. They meet somewhere, somehow. 1
Popsicle Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I am of the opinion that if the girl likes you a lot, it really doesn't matter what you call it, she will be down for it and say yes. If you call it a date and say the other stuff you mentioned and she gets all weirded out, that would be hint for you that she doesn't like you a whole lot. 2
Els Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 So call it a date huh? But never talk about the parents. Got it. Well she just texted me not long ago saying it was nice to meet me. I just told her next off day we should grab a bite to eat, but I didn't use the word date. Wanted to keep it pressure free. Well, if you've already said this then no point backtracking and trying to call it a 'date' now. But make sure you do that for the next one. Not just in words, too, try to make it a more date-y activity. Not necessarily expensive, but not a fast food hangout either. Good luck!
Author Teknoe Posted June 26, 2016 Author Posted June 26, 2016 OK guys, update time and then I have a question I'd like some feedback on. The Friday afternoon outing went well. We both didn't have to work Friday afternoon so we agreed to meet for lunch. I drove to her place (she's currently living at home with her parents -- they all moved in recently together to spend time together after being separated for a bit). I already met her parents two weeks ago due to the "set up" introduction meeting. But this time it was just me and her to lunch. I paid but it was cheap. Like under 10 dollars cheap. We went to a Mexican hole in the wall where they were serving 75 cent tacos that day. Food was good. Afterward we sat on the swings at the park and just talked for a bit. Would have invited her to a movie but she got called in for a 3:00 shift. Thus, things ended early. I dropped her off at home and said bye to the parents. On my drive home she texted me that she had fun and that her tummy thanks me. I know her work schedule gives her a couple off days here this week (Monday, Tuesday) and I was thinking of maybe asking her out to another outing. However, I'm not sure what I should do here: 1. Take the direct approach and tell her straight up that I enjoy her company and would like to get to know her better or 2. Keep things chill, low key and low/no pressure The fear I have of option 1 is that I turn her off or ruin the mystery/chase. I know option 1 has worked out for other guys in the past, but it's just never worked out for me. So that's why I fear going for it so soon may derail things. But the fear I have of option 2 is what if she does like me, and what if I wait too long and she loses interest or thinks that I only view her strictly as a friend? Also, because we live an hour away it's not like I can just randomly pop in and out. These hang outs have to be very intentional. It's not like a coworker you see everyday or someone in a church small group you see consistently that you can easily "be chill with" because you know you two will be together hanging out in some fashion. So I'm thinking honesty is the best policy here. I mean, what have I got to lose by being direct? Of course, I won't mention the parents thing of them wanting to set us up (I think it's pretty clear both she and I are aware of that), but I would say something like "Hey I've enjoyed our little hang outs and would like to get to know you better. I'd like to date you and see what happens." At the very worst, I put myself out there and will know for sure one way or another. If I keep trying to hang out as friends, things may become very unclear and I may come off as not interested. Thoughts, feedback?
Els Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 "Hey I've enjoyed our little hang outs and would like to get to know you better. I'd like to date you and see what happens."I'd put it in a lighter manner than this, but yes definitely ask her out on a real date! It's just a date, gosh, it's not like you're asking her to move in or even asking her to be bf/gf. I'm generally in the 'I like to take things slow' camp, and even then someone asking me out on a date after meeting a few times is NOT too fast! 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 Just ask her to have dinner with you. Simple.
Author Teknoe Posted June 27, 2016 Author Posted June 27, 2016 Just ask her to have dinner with you. Simple. I like that. Does this sound ok: "Hi. Would you like to get dinner next time?" Or "Hey, next time let's grab dinner :)" I don't think I need to use the word date correct? Or should I?
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 I like that. Does this sound ok: "Hi. Would you like to get dinner next time?" Or "Hey, next time let's grab dinner :)" I don't think I need to use the word date correct? Or should I? No - dinner is as date like as it gets. That way you don't have to make a big speech about your intentions. If she wants to be just friends, she will find a way to decline. Go with the first option, second one is too vague 1
clia Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 I agree with ES. You don't have to formally ask her to date you -- just keep asking her out on dates. If she says yes, then you are dating. 1
bummer Posted June 27, 2016 Posted June 27, 2016 I agree with ES. You don't have to formally ask her to date you -- just keep asking her out on dates. If she says yes, then you are dating. Please please don't ask her to date. You can say the rest about wanting to get to know each other more. But slow down. You don't go to the friend zone this soon. In general I hope you relax and enjoy yourself. The calmer you are the more confident you seem.which most girls enjoy. 1
Author Teknoe Posted June 27, 2016 Author Posted June 27, 2016 No - dinner is as date like as it gets. That way you don't have to make a big speech about your intentions. If she wants to be just friends, she will find a way to decline. Go with the first option, second one is too vague ES, thank you so much for your insights. I agree with you that the first one sounds much better, and is less vague. A simple "Hi ___. Would you like to grab dinner next time?" would suffice. Follow up question: it's perfectly OK to text her this right? I don't have to call her and ask her out on the phone, correct? @ bummer, thanks for your feedback. You're right. I should not use the word "date" because if we see each other 1 on 1 multiple times, then we're dating. You are correct in that I need to relax and enjoy myself. I find a similar pattern. I often have good first dates or good first meetings because it's just the first time. But if the first time is successful, I stumble to advance to the next level because I get caught up in semantics or trying to envision every outcome of each possible scenario. I think I get too caught up in trying to "seal the deal" (meaning, becoming a couple officially) that I often take myself out of the moment (and many times, the equation itself) because I overthink things or rush to get too serious too soon. Easier said than done but I will try to relax.
Author Teknoe Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 Update: I had texted her Sunday afternoon "how was your shift Friday?" Didn't hear back from her all of Sunday, then I figured maybe she got busy and will respond on Monday (yesterday). I didn't receive a text yesterday at all from her, so now I was thinking uh oh... did I do something on our Friday outing to turn her off? So earlier today I decided to send her a text. I know, perhaps the rules of the so-called "game" states you never text a girl twice in a row especially when she didn't respond to your previous text which was a question made to be answered... but since I ended Friday's outing by asking her if she would like to do a game night with me and my brother and sister in law sometime (and she said yes with a good amount of enthusiasm), I figured I should take the initiative and update her on that end. So I texted her this earlier today: "Hey ___, our next game night will be in mid July after my sister in law finishes her exam You are cordially invited!" I didn't hear back from her for several hours following this, so now I was getting in my own head a bit wondering what happened Friday or since our date that made her go radio silent on me. Well, she just texted me about 20 minutes ago. It was several text messages in a row: Text 1: Text about Friday shift Text 2: Treated herself to a spa day today Text 3: Thanks me for the game night invite Text 4: Let her know the date and that she'd love to come if she can. "Looking forward to it!" (OK, I thought to myself, that doesn't sound like something someone writes when they're trying to either weed you out or friend zone you... so that's a great sign I suppose) Text 5: Asks me which games we play and if she should brush up on her pop trivia. Includes a wink So based off these 5 consecutive texts, I surmised that she got busy Sunday and didn't get a chance to reply to my "How was work Friday night?" text. Also, in hindsight, that was a really boring and token text on my part. It's not very interesting and she probably didn't feel compelled to answer right away. Then when she saw my invite for the game night, it kind of made things more interesting again, and thus she replied to both texts (work shift and game night invite). Then when I saw things such as "Looking forward to it!" and the wink emoji, I figured she was more receptive of seeing me again than not. So I didn't waste time. This is how I replied to her five straight texts: Text 1: Answered her question and told her what kind of games we play Text 2: Updated her on our next game night (mid July) Text 3: I asked her out to dinner after her next work cycle is up Yup, learned from you guys It's JUST dinner and fortune favors the bold. Why beat around the bush with simple trivial questions when I can use texting to set up a second date/outing? Also didn't use the word date so kept it low pressure... however like you guys said in this thread dinner is as date like as it gets. She replied almost immediately with a date in early-mid July. I said sounds good with a smiley face and she replied great with a smiley face. So it's quite a ways away but I don't mind. There's no rush on my end and also Game Night will likely closely follow our dinner date... so there might be some good momentum there. I honestly was expecting the worst. I was expecting her to either never respond or perhaps more realistically, respond but in a way that tells me "this is going nowhere." Something to the effect of "Thanks for the invite but I'm swamped all of next month. Maybe some other time." To which, of course, they never commit when you try to follow up a second time. I've done that to others i had no interest in and I've had that done to me numerous times. It's just how it goes. So when she responded with some good enthusiasm I was pleasantly shocked. Figure I ask her out then and there to set up a second date while I had some positive juju going my way and sure enough she accepted. I thought to myself, "Boy that was easy. Why was I sweating it the past couple days?" Thank you to everyone who replied in this thread. I found the replies to be helpful.
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