ilovemusic3 Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I know not everyone is always dating, but it seems like nobody else meets as many guys as I do and continues to stay single for this long. It's been almost 5 yrs. and I've never had a bf. I'm a 26 yr. old female and I guess I'm average looking. I've met like a million guys between dating sites and meet up groups. How do other girls get guys to like them? What am I doing wrong? I don't think I'm saying anything weird. And nowadays I can't find any dates from the dating sites at all. What do other girls write in their messages to get guys to go out with them? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Chill, you're not alone in the world of being single. It happens to us all and don't forget that just because some people are in a relationship, doesn't mean they're happy or going to stay that way. Happiness has to come from within first, it has to be something you have before you can start to share it with another. So many fall out of relationships believing their happiness is directly linked to another. Try not to worry about relationship status and instead enjoy being young and free. Go travel, exploring, do crazy things, find some single friends and head off round the world or just holiday locally. Some of us are serial daters and jump in and out of relationships in a heartbeat, others only ever date one person and end up with them for years, then there's those of us who don't seem to find someone... until that special someone comes along out of the blue, when we least expect it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I think, or at least have a working hypothesis, that people who are perpetually single despite wanting a relationship have certain fundamental differences... they lack a certain kind of openness and spontaneity, willingness to take the risk of expressing affection without knowing that it will be reciprocated. They fear rejection terribly and avoid putting themselves in situations where that is a risk. Oh they can be superficially delightful, but that is the facade used to navigate everyday social situations and obtain superficial approval while avoiding real intimacy. The reason for such defensiveness is that they lack confidence in their worthiness. If a suitor expresses willingness to take the risk first, they will find fault with that person, rationalize why the person is unsuitable, and reject them out of hand to avoid what they believe will be the inevitable injury... that they themselves would be rejected eventually, once the other figures out that they are flawed and unworthy of being loved. Having their unworthiness revealed to the world that way is the scariest thing imaginable. So when they date, the do so superficially and avoid real vulnerability. Privacy, autonomy, independence, self-sufficiency are the positive notions that they use to mask the inability to be vulnerable. They maintain high standards for themselves and others to facilitate staying above a messy life of emotions. The protectionist rationale is expressed in this quip by the great Groucho Marx, "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." The solution is to develop enough confidence in one's sense of worthiness to be able to risk rejection and a broken heart. Unlinking rejection from your sense of self and belief in your own worthiness is necessary. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 4 years single here, countless dates but nothing going beyond a few months. My friend has 6 years single, dates, nothing beyond a few months. I have another 4 year single friend, has had dates, nothing serious. Guy friend, single 5 years, dating, nothing turned serious. It's not just you. Dating these days is terrible, not many people want to be tied down to just one. It's too easy to get online go on POF, Tinder, OKCupid, eHarmony, Match, Coffee Meets Bagel, MeetUp, I'm probably missing like five hundred sites. We've poisoned dating with all these "easy a.ss" apps. And people keep falling for it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
thelastunicorn Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Have you tried dating guys who are a bit older? Like early to mid 30s? Also, I run an all-girl meetup group and still meet guys who are interested in me through it lol. And I have super awkward friends that have dated guys who were really interested in them by going to Meetups. Meetup is actually one of the few things I stand behind. Im 26 and my dating philosophy is to adapt and not complain about what I can't change (other people). I'm sure you're an awesome person but maybe other ppl aren't seeing it? Have you looked inward to see if you're holding yourself back? I noticed the more confident and self aware I became, the less I cared that I was single and I began to attract better quality people. If you're having a hard time making connections in real life and online then I think there are some things you could probably do to improve your luck. Fyi I feel your pain. I have a younger sister that is already happily married. I spent a long time wondering what was "wrong" with me and it took me awhile to realize that she just got really lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 Have you tried dating guys who are a bit older? Like early to mid 30s? Also, I run an all-girl meetup group and still meet guys who are interested in me through it lol. And I have super awkward friends that have dated guys who were really interested in them by going to Meetups. Meetup is actually one of the few things I stand behind. Im 26 and my dating philosophy is to adapt and not complain about what I can't change (other people). I'm sure you're an awesome person but maybe other ppl aren't seeing it? Have you looked inward to see if you're holding yourself back? I noticed the more confident and self aware I became, the less I cared that I was single and I began to attract better quality people. If you're having a hard time making connections in real life and online then I think there are some things you could probably do to improve your luck. Fyi I feel your pain. I have a younger sister that is already happily married. I spent a long time wondering what was "wrong" with me and it took me awhile to realize that she just got really lucky. Sorry to burst that bubble, but I'm 32. Early to mid thirties guys are still morons and honestly more so than the younger guys. If you stumble across a single thirty something chances are good they are perpetual playboys. Link to post Share on other sites
4x4storm Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I have been online dating for the past year and here are some things I have noticed. 1. Are you realistic about your looks? You could very well be average but for example I see a lot of girls consider them self curvy yet are obese. Or they could care less about them self. 2. You could be to picky or have high standards? Far there are a lot of women on dating websites who think they look like zooey deschanel and will reject anyone whos not a 9/10 even though she might be a 5/10. 3. You may show them your not interested even though you are? On a few occasions I will have a girl give me 1-5 word replies so I assume they are not interested. Few days later I a message from them asking why I stopped talking to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark Horse Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 (edited) I know what it's like, except i'm a 21 year old guy. It seems like my friends can find dates/f buddies/girlfriends easily and meanwhile i'm just sitting here fapping and typing with the other hand. Could be a number of reasons why you can't find anybody 1. You don't know how to flirt or be friendly. You're one of those girls who appears uninterested and unfriendly but you're actually not. This may come from confidence or shyness issues. The trick is to be friendly and laugh at guys jokes, everybody likes it when someone thinks they're funny. Reminds me of a girl I used to have a crush on who seemed unfriendly, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. It worked. 2. Are you overweight? Sad but true but many guys will automatically rule you out if you're fat. Not all of course but a big chunk. And unlike height, your weight can be changed to a certain extent, eating healthier, eating more fruits and vegetables, aerobic activities etc... You'll look and feel better. Edited June 12, 2016 by Dark Horse Link to post Share on other sites
MGX Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 2. Are you overweight? Sad but true but many guys will automatically rule you out if you're fat. Not all of course but a big chunk. And unlike height, your weight can be changed to a certain extent, eating healthier, eating more fruits and vegetables, aerobic activities etc... You'll look and feel better. Unless the men are overweight as well and into BBWs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovemusic3 Posted June 13, 2016 Author Share Posted June 13, 2016 I'm not being too picky, I'm willing to date guys equivalent to me in looks and lifestyle. I'm average in weight. And at least other people manage to find people to date for a few months, I don't get past one conversation or date. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I can't help you there. I only have a fella interested in me about once every 5yrs or so. I can tell you what I do that keeps them away.... - I'm an introvert, a big one. But I'm not shy, I'm just not all that interested in people. I don't spend my days shoe gazing or avoiding eye contact or with my face in a phone. But at the same time I don't naturally stop and engage other people either, even when I know them. If I'm on a mission to do something I focus on doing that. This is rather off-putting to others because they feel like there is no opening with me. And they'd be right. - People who try and small talk me usually end up in a dead end quickly. I will reciprocate the vague and useless sentiment that they throw my way but I never learned how to ask questions about their equally vague and insipid lives. This is a real opening killer.... - If people bring their problems to me they don't get sympathy, they get solutions along with my lack of interest in enabling their whinging. Most people find this a real problem. - I walk at a brisk pace, everywhere. There is no meandering, no milling about. I'm like a steam train once I get started and I don't stop until I reach my destination. Heaven help anyone who stands between me and an espresso bar. - I'm opinionated, straight forward and I'll say what I think without running it through one of those social filters most people have. This gives me all the charm of razor wire. Occasionally someone finds me funny, but not because I intend it. - I've got a hot bod, but my face is so, so. This coupled with resting bitch face and my propensity to do all of the above is pretty convincing male repellant. I'm trademarking it soon and going to sell it in a can. - 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ZA Dater Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I think, or at least have a working hypothesis, that people who are perpetually single despite wanting a relationship have certain fundamental differences... they lack a certain kind of openness and spontaneity, willingness to take the risk of expressing affection without knowing that it will be reciprocated. They fear rejection terribly and avoid putting themselves in situations where that is a risk. Oh they can be superficially delightful, but that is the facade used to navigate everyday social situations and obtain superficial approval while avoiding real intimacy. The reason for such defensiveness is that they lack confidence in their worthiness. If a suitor expresses willingness to take the risk first, they will find fault with that person, rationalize why the person is unsuitable, and reject them out of hand to avoid what they believe will be the inevitable injury... that they themselves would be rejected eventually, once the other figures out that they are flawed and unworthy of being loved. Having their unworthiness revealed to the world that way is the scariest thing imaginable. So when they date, the do so superficially and avoid real vulnerability. Privacy, autonomy, independence, self-sufficiency are the positive notions that they use to mask the inability to be vulnerable. They maintain high standards for themselves and others to facilitate staying above a messy life of emotions. The protectionist rationale is expressed in this quip by the great Groucho Marx, "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." The solution is to develop enough confidence in one's sense of worthiness to be able to risk rejection and a broken heart. Unlinking rejection from your sense of self and belief in your own worthiness is necessary. This ranks highly as possibly the best post I have ever read here. Thank you for sharing this, could see myself in a lot of that and I am sure I am not the only one. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Not in the dating realm myself....but know some women who perpetually remain single...Or every relationship they have is problematic...And its not about looks, some of these women are very attractive...When I think of what single trait unites these women, there seems to be one characteristic that stands out.... There is a certain "coldness" about them....Its not something specifically you can put your finger on, but its there....I feel it....And its a turn off...I can only imagine that other guys pick up on the same vibe... And btw, that doesn't indicate that those women are mean spirited or anything..I'd characterize my own mother that way, and she isn't mean spirited...But she also hadn't/doesn't get any attention from men...Despite being a very dynamic and attractive woman.. Just a thought....cant say it applies to the OP, but its something I have noted over the years..Good luck, OP.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 This ranks highly as possibly the best post I have ever read here. Thank you for sharing this, could see myself in a lot of that and I am sure I am not the only one. If you relate to these concepts you will appreciate this Ted Talk by Brené Brown. I'm pretty sure she nails it - everyone should have this bookmarked. I went through it slowly and made an outline of her talk in a text document so I can keep the cliff notes in my phone. An even broader, macro perspective on these ideas is given by Eckhart Tollé in his books, A New Earth, and The Power of Now. He speaks in terms of protecting our fragile egos, investing in our facade or false self rather than living authentically, identification with form, embracing ambiguity, holding onto the pain body (investing in being a victim). It all interrelated. I immersed myself in these texts after my divorce six years ago. I am now in a wonderful relationship and feeling the need for another growth spurt, so maybe it's time to reread (perhaps still holding onto the past too much). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Not in the dating realm myself....but know some women who perpetually remain single...Or every relationship they have is problematic...And its not about looks, some of these women are very attractive...When I think of what single trait unites these women, there seems to be one characteristic that stands out.... There is a certain "coldness" about them....Its not something specifically you can put your finger on, but its there....I feel it....And its a turn off...I can only imagine that other guys pick up on the same vibe... And btw, that doesn't indicate that those women are mean spirited or anything..I'd characterize my own mother that way, and she isn't mean spirited...But she also hadn't/doesn't get any attention from men...Despite being a very dynamic and attractive woman.. Just a thought....cant say it applies to the OP, but its something I have noted over the years..Good luck, OP.. TFY Are examples of this coldness being unaffectionate and never complimentary? Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 Ehh sometimes I feel Love was something that happened to other people, and being in relationships was something that happened to other people. It was not because they were better than me; it was because they were different than me. Penguins can’t fly, and that’s just the way they’re made. It’s their lot in life. I felt the same about love. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 This seems like an impossible thread to answer. I mean, we have no idea who you are, what your personality is like, what your dating profile reads, what you look like, how you communicate, and on and on it goes. I'd love to help but it's kind of a ridiculous question to ask since attraction doesn't make sense at the best of times. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 I know not everyone is always dating, but it seems like nobody else meets as many guys as I do and continues to stay single for this long. It's been almost 5 yrs. and I've never had a bf. I'm a 26 yr. old female and I guess I'm average looking. I've met like a million guys between dating sites and meet up groups. How do other girls get guys to like them? What am I doing wrong? I don't think I'm saying anything weird. And nowadays I can't find any dates from the dating sites at all. What do other girls write in their messages to get guys to go out with them? Like Michelle above, I can not offer any specific advice without knowing your looks, style of dress, lifestyle, education level, social skills, temperments, personality, conversational skills etc etc etc But your post above reminds of an episode on the Jimmy Walker sit com from the '70s called "Good Times." It this particular episode the school set up Jimmy Walker's younger brother Michael with the class flunky to see if hanging out with Michael would help him do better in class. When Michael brought the flunky home for tutoring, the poor student kept asking Michael about what "Straight A Student 'tricks' " he had to show him so that he could get straight A's also. After a period of bantering around where neither one was fully understanding the other, Michael finally told him that there were no 'tricks' to getting straight A's and that to get good grades one had to come to class every day, pay attention, learn the material and study. In other words to get good grades, one had to be an engaged, involved, good student. The flunky wanted no part of that and instead wanted there to be some kind of parlor tricks or game that he could play to work around actually being a good student. Your post is kind of reminding me of that episode even though I saw it over 40 years ago. There really is no parlor trick or magic pixie dust. If you want a boyfriend, you have to be girlfriend material. You have to look good (not to be confused with good looking), you have to have interpersonal and social skills, you have to be a decent person and treat people courteously and respectfully. You have to be at least somewhat sexually responsive but not indiscriminate or irresponsibly promiscuous and you have to be someone that a guy could see himself having a future with that would fit in with his lifestyle and his friends and family. There really is no parlor trick to achieving that. you have to actually walk the walk. To get a good partner, you have to BE a good partner. Be the partner you would like to have. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MGX Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 5 years since your last relationship? Why didn't that work out? And why aren't these guys that you are meeting working out? Who is calling it off--you or them? Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Like Michelle above, I can not offer any specific advice without knowing your looks, style of dress, lifestyle, education level, social skills, temperments, personality, conversational skills etc etc etc There really is no parlor trick to achieving that. you have to actually walk the walk. To get a good partner, you have to BE a good partner. Be the partner you would like to have. This is by far the best advice. YOU have to the kind of person you'd want to be with and that includes in ALL ways; mentally, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, physically etc. Like attracts like. Link to post Share on other sites
Chris2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 ilovemusic3, what's going on? You seem to be dating/active, based on your other posts (I've seen before), but nothing pans out. I don't mean to hi-jack your thread, just trying to relate. In my case, minor disfigurement since teen age years has really destroyed my self-esteem and confidence. I'm starting to not let it identify me anymore, at age 40. I think salparadise rings a bell (for me; hope you too). I think, or at least have a working hypothesis, that people who are perpetually single despite wanting a relationship have certain fundamental differences... they lack a certain kind of openness and spontaneity, willingness to take the risk of expressing affection without knowing that it will be reciprocated. They fear rejection terribly and avoid putting themselves in situations where that is a risk. Oh they can be superficially delightful, but that is the facade used to navigate everyday social situations and obtain superficial approval while avoiding real intimacy. The reason for such defensiveness is that they lack confidence in their worthiness. If a suitor expresses willingness to take the risk first, they will find fault with that person, rationalize why the person is unsuitable, and reject them out of hand to avoid what they believe will be the inevitable injury... that they themselves would be rejected eventually, once the other figures out that they are flawed and unworthy of being loved. Having their unworthiness revealed to the world that way is the scariest thing imaginable. So when they date, the do so superficially and avoid real vulnerability. Privacy, autonomy, independence, self-sufficiency are the positive notions that they use to mask the inability to be vulnerable. They maintain high standards for themselves and others to facilitate staying above a messy life of emotions. The protectionist rationale is expressed in this quip by the great Groucho Marx, "I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." The solution is to develop enough confidence in one's sense of worthiness to be able to risk rejection and a broken heart. Unlinking rejection from your sense of self and belief in your own worthiness is necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 Are examples of this coldness being unaffectionate and never complimentary? Well..... that sentence describes my mother to a "T" , so I'd have to say yes! (just for the record, I love my mom more than anything, but she is who she is).. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted June 14, 2016 Share Posted June 14, 2016 I know not everyone is always dating, but it seems like nobody else meets as many guys as I do and continues to stay single for this long. It's been almost 5 yrs. and I've never had a bf. I'm a 26 yr. old female and I guess I'm average looking. I've met like a million guys between dating sites and meet up groups. How do other girls get guys to like them? What am I doing wrong? I don't think I'm saying anything weird. And nowadays I can't find any dates from the dating sites at all. What do other girls write in their messages to get guys to go out with them? You say you have never had a boyfriend but yet it has been almost 5 years, 5 years since what? Because never had a bf means single whole life Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovemusic3 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Share Posted June 19, 2016 I never had a bf my whole life, its been 5 yrs. since I started trying to get 1. And I do act like the mate I want to have. Nobody's advice on here ever helps me. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 Noting this thread going off topic, I've cleaned it up and will place this reminder that this is not a thread about general dating issues, but one persons unique experiences in the dating world. Let's keep our responses pointed in that direction ~Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
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