Vividdream Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 (edited) Hi everyone. First of all my excuse my English. I met this guy online and found out that we lived only 30 mins away from each other. We dated for about 9 years. Before we meet up, he told me over the phone that he's paralyzed from the waist down due to a motorcycle accident and his ex left him 3 months after that. I had accepted everything about him cause I don't see why that should be in my way of getting to know a good man. Before he could drive his hand control van again, I used drive to his house 2-3 times a week to visit him. Despited rainstorms and winter storms, I still drove to his house to spend time with him. We found out a way for him to tranfer yo my car to go out and all those times I lifted his wheelchair up and down to place it in my suv's trunk. My parents did not accept me dating him cause it took them years to get a girl (me), so they don't want me to go through the hardship in the future. However, after they saw how strong our relationship was, they accepted us and they loved him dearly too. We dated for about 2 years and he proposed. I agreed and accepted the ring, but we did not have a wedding date yet. 3rd year he had a sudden anxiety attack and his dad was just diagnosed with cancer. He lived with his parents and they're both in there late 60s. He couldn't bear with what went on during that moment and he begged me to move in to live with him to support him mentally. I moved in and lived with for 6 months. I treated his parents like my own. I cooked with his mom, I cleaned the house for them , I shoveled snow for them ect... He wanted kids during this time and we were looking into IVF. His parents thought I was crazy to accept that because he was still ill and they asked me to wait until he gets better. After that we stopped the IVF process and let him heal first. I moved back to live with my parents because he got better and my parents prefer marriage first before living together. 4th year he asked me to sign prenup. It was a slap in my face. I couldn't accept it. All the things that went through and did for him. I was his fiancee and his caretaker at the same time. I needed time to think. 6th year I accepted to sign prenup, he was happy, but never arranged a date for me to sign. He got another motorcycle and modified to hand control and he has started riding again. He met many new friends this year. He went out with me less and weekend time was a lot less too. Phone time and text time was a lot less. I had noticed that he timed our phone conversations and he had to be off the phone certain time. I confront this with him, but his excuse was his mom wanted to talk to him everynight because she has trouble sleeping. We started to have more fights. He has stopped kissing me passionately since then. All I had was quick goodbye kisses. Our relationship was like a roller coaster but we were trying to fix it. We didn't see and talk to each other for a full month of April 2016. I initiated to text him on May 2016. We both went to his parents to talk about marriage and he showed happiness. His parents were happy too. His dad told me how grateful he is because his son has no sex function, I will have to take care of him like a caretaker too. If he passes away he won't be worried anymore. On that Saturday I came to his house to hang out with him, but he took off. He said he was visiting his friend who he already scheduled weeks ago. I went to his room to wait for him to come back. It was 11 pm he wasn't back yet. My phone had 6% of battery life. I left it charged and borrowed one of his old phone to watch YouTube. On that phone, I saw screen shots of dirty texts and video calls of him and a cyber girl from south America went on for more than a year. I also saw pictures he went out with one of his exes to a hockey game, restaurants and a motorcycle store. Everything around me went black. I was shaking and fell like a big wrecking ball just hit my chest. I took pictures of his phone and texted him the pictures without explanations. His parents saw me bawled out. I explained to them what just a happened. They were very upset and ashamed of their son behavior. They didn't let me go because I might do something stupid. They urged him to come home to talk. He came home that night he begged me for forgiveness. He explained that he was feeling down and was looking for someone to talk. One thing led to another he started to have feelings for the south American girl, but nothing could compare to our 9 years. I stayed back and lied in the same bed with him but did not sleep all night. I did not want to talk to him. I asked him that he has insisted prenup on me, it's actually not for me it's for him. But I was stupid to start forgiving him right away. The next day I went home at 6am. He called and wanted to see me to have a serious talk. He never showed up. I called him parents. They said they kicked him out because he was mistreating me and they were ashamed of his actions. He took off with his hand control van. During that night I went around to look for him and called and texted him more than 100 times. But there was no luck. Next day, I fell into depression. On May 17 I cut my wrist, but my sis in law heard me crying she rushed in and saved me. She couldn't reach him via phone. She texted his friend to let him know what just a happened. He called in 15 minutes later to ask if I was OK. He promised me to call me back in 20 minutes but never did up until today. I texted to him that when he's 45 or 50, his friends have to focus on their families. The girls that he cheated on me with will not accept to wake up at 3 am in the morning to clean up his personal hygiene mess, cause once in a while it will happened. He is still a reckless motorcycle rider. One day he will get into another accident again and I will be the first person that he will call for comfort. His dad and him told me many times after his accident and his ex left him, i was the one who gave him back his confidence, the urge to go out and do regular activities again. I'm glad I have helped him for 9 years, but for someone who is ungrateful I don't think it was worth it. We both still have unfinished business to take care of. He texted me 2 weeks ago for the bank password and I gave it to him. On June 2 he asked for it again. I told him I will give it to him again, but I also made request for him to complete that by June 15 and I do not want him to contact me again. He replied with a sad smiley. I also told him that I have made a vow to myself, I will forgive and forget. Even though I have tried to be tough when texting him, but my heart is crying out loud wanting him to tell me that he wants to work things out again. I know that at some point I will have to try to move on, but part of me don't want to hold another man's hands or kiss another man. It feels like I would be cheating on him even though the relationship is over. I have been exercing to keep myself busy. I also OD on Justin Timberlake what goes around , come around song to give me strength. I'm trying to work on NC. I know that the girl that he's with right now will not stay with him for long because her facebook photo album contains with clubbing and party pictures. He told me through out the years that he was blessed that I'm not a party girl and who is a wife material. At some point he will contact me when that girl leaves him or he'll get fed up with her lifestyle. Please give me your advice what to do of he ever contacts me again. Thank you P.s: he's 39 and I'm 33 Edited June 12, 2016 by Vividdream
Tressugar Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 Nine years is a long time, but at least you're free to find someone who is your equal. He wasted your time and didn't value you or the relationship. Kick him to the curb and don't look back. If a man you're involved with isn't marrying you at least by year two, then he's wasting your time.
gimlynick Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 Nine years is a long time, but at least you're free to find someone who is your equal. He wasted your time and didn't value you or the relationship. Kick him to the curb and don't look back. If a man you're involved with isn't marrying you at least by year two, then he's wasting your time. The marriage part is completely bull****. We don't live in the 20th century anymore. Marriage is overrated and in many western countries nobody gives a **** anymore 1
keiji Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 Dear Vividdream, first of all you should feel proud of yourself. Not many people would be willing to spend the rest of their life with a disabled person. One thing is to say "I wouldn't mind if I loved him/her". To truly give everything for nine years is quite another, particularly when you met him after the accident, not before. You could choose, and you chose to see the person behind the disability and face everything that kind of life entails. It's a daily fight and you decided to fight it. When my ex-wife left me for someone else after 9 years, I too thought I had wasted almost a decade of my life with someone who didn't deserve it, but I don't think that's true now. You took care of who you thought that man was. Had you known the real him, you probably would have run away immediately. You're not responsible for his faults and two-facedness. You were devoted and he was an ungrateful liar but if you think of it, it's him who's leaving that relationship in guilt. He loses. A lot.
Author Vividdream Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 Tressugar and keiji Thank you for your reply. I know I deserve better. Even his dad told me to move on. During the relationship guys hit on me but I ignored them all because i had devoted my love to him. I have cut off all contacts with him and after June 15 I will change my phone number.
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