Hawker Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Hey all, I've been dating this women for 6 months now (the last three of which have been exclusive). We started out pretty slow and cautious, but things really heated up around the middle of April. We're both mature and professional, and have a lot of dating experience (that means we've kissed a lot of frogs along the way and are looking for something more meaningful and longer-term). She was great in the beginning....we we're very respectful of one another and had great times, then something happened.....she heard a sound in the distance that only an animal could hear. I saw a side of her I hadn't seen before. We were out seeing a band one night, and she gets way too drunk. She starts flirting with every guy in the place. I don't make a scene at the time, but on the way home, I tell that her behaviour is disrespectful BS. The next morning she says she's sorry and that it was wrong. The next weekend, it happens again. She's doing shots at the bar with total stangers (guys), and leave me alone at the table for a half hour. I get up and leave her there to find her own way home. The next day, I sit her down and tell her that if she pulls that sh*t again, I'm walking. I also tell her that if I break up with a women who's done me wrong, I'm gone and that's it....no nice break-up note, no self-rightious speech, no nothing. I just disappear. The 'Closure Speech' only comes to those who deserve it. Last weeknd, we're out at an crowded outdoor event and I leave to go to the bathroom. When I return, I find that she's given her number to some guy that was next to us (a guy that she claims to know from the past, but she says is completely platonic...ya right). I left immediately. She calls me several times that night trying to explain her behavior (she seems to have to explain her behaviour a little too often, huh). I call her a pathetic slut and hang up. She sent me an email a day later, trying to explain herself again and pretty much blaming me for being too jealous and possessive. I didn't reply. She's sent me a few emails everyday since, most of which I simply deleted. I guess I'm not really looking for advise per se, since I know most on here will tell me I did the right thing, but I do feel the urge to call and see her again. Any advise on that?
shygurl Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Look @ it this way - she acted like a disrespectful tramp when you were present, can you imagine how she acts when she's liquored up and you're not around? You called her on it once, she apologized. You called her on it the second time it happened and rightfully expressed your boundaries and non-negotiables and the consequences if she disrespected you again.....and yet, it happened again. Stick to your word or you'll end up back with the same little ho who will do this to you again and again - and you will obviously not always be out with her. Do you want to waste one more second of your life on someone who's shown you their true colors? Who gets a bit of booze in her and acts like a trampish fool? If you get back with her, you're showing her your words mean nothing, that you are desperate and have no backbone and you don't mind being treated like a chump.
lindya Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by Hawker then something happened.....she heard a sound in the distance that only an animal could hear. Is that a new saying I haven't heard before, or DID she actually hear a sound in the distance that only an animal could hear? If so, would you mind elaborating? I'm just a bit curious about that.
Author Hawker Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 "If you get back with her, you're showing her your words mean nothing, that you are desperate and have no backbone and you don't mind being treated like a chump." Harsh words but well put. That's why I have yet to respond to any of her emails or calls. I know she' s getting frustrated and desperate by my silence (she's very attractive, and I'm sure she's the one who does the dumping 95% of the time). She invited me out for a drink on Wednesday via email.....of course I just let her eat static and didn't reply. A few hours later she writes again saying that she was going to meet one of her old boyfriends for a drink instead of me. What kind of petty BS is that? I think she's just looking for any reaction out of me that she can get. I know this guy she's talking about (a low-brow, Joe six-pack type of guy). She's had her fill of these types in the last five years, and finally found something in us that was fun, engaging, wild, and satisfying (and responsible when needed). Too bad lady.
Author Hawker Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 "then something happened.....she heard a sound in the distance that only an animal could hear. " It's just an expression...there is no actual sound. I meant that she's a Bar-Whore by nature, and she did well covering up that fact for several months until she couldn't control it anymore. I've talked with ex's of hers, and they all say the same thing, so it wasn't that I turned into a wuss and drove her to look elsewhere.....
shygurl Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh - I just hate to see people disrespected and manipulated. Okay, so she's very attractive. She's got a habit of getting a few drinks into her and getting friendly with the guys, even in the presence of a date/partner. You ignore her invitation to meet for a drink and she then tries to make you feel bad by threatening to go with an ex instead. She strikes me as someone who is very used to using her looks to get away with things. It's very possible that you're the first guy who's ever stood up to her - it's very possible her immature behavior is a longstanding thing and other guys in the past that she's done this to, they put up with it because they got suckered by her looks. She doesn't sound very secure. She sounds like someone who's identity is largely made up by the attention she gets from men. Doesn't that make sense? You know, we've probably all had too much to drink and done something stupid........but to keep doing it, to keep disrespecting your partner like that...........to be getting guys phone numbers, to be threatening to see their ex.........it all smells like a very immature girl who doesn't have much going for her. Stick to your guns, as hard as it may be. She's just trying to guilt and manipulate her.........something she's likely done countless times in the past only then it worked. Stand up for yourself and your self respect and pride. I'm not saying she's an evil person but she's not relationship material. She uses men to boost her fragile ego, is likely used to always getting her own way. She doesn't understand that there are boundaries in relationships, there are consequences for poor choices OR for puttingyourself into stupid situations (if she knows she gets stupid when drinking, why drink?)
lindya Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by Hawker "then something happened.....she heard a sound in the distance that only an animal could hear. " It's just an expression...there is no actual sound. I meant that she's a Bar-Whore by nature, and she did well covering up that fact for several months until she couldn't control it anymore. I've talked with ex's of hers, and they all say the same thing, so it wasn't that I turned into a wuss and drove her to look elsewhere..... Thanks for clearing that up. So your ex was a bolter, as Nancy Mitford might say. It's actually quite an evocative expression - conjures up visions of a she-wolf staring towards the mountains. Or a cat yowling to be let out so that it can inspect the night air. You won't want to be letting that particular cat back in through the window.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Hawker, you sound like an intelligent man who has his act together. Forget this "it's all about me" Barbie doll, and move on with your quest to find a real woman of substance...someone attractive, but even more beautiful on the inside. Just be glad you didn't find out about her slutty behavior later on down the road.
ConfusedInOC Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Hawker, stick to your guns. She has to learn to change on her own. Don't get back with her, at least not right away. If you really like her then my advice to you is to tell her, when you are ready, that she needs to quick drinking because that seems to be the cause of a lot of her bad behavior. PM me if you want to talk personally on this. I think I can help.
Author Hawker Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 Thanks everyone for your imput. All that you guys have said rings so true with her (compulsion for male attention, selfishish behaviour, etc. etc). I'm 37 years old and she is 36. I figure I'm way too old to be a babysitter and she's way too old to need one. It really shouldn't be my job to chase other guys off, but rather it's her job to be a respectful women and decline the attention when it comes around. As for an update, she called about an hour ago from a number I didn't recognize, so I answered. She was very depressed and said she misses me and blah blah blah. I tried to cut it short, but she asked if she could see me tonite. I didn't say yes or no, but rather said I'd get back to her. I think I just need to call her back and tell her it's over (even though that's counter to my break-up policy with idiots). I don't want to string her along, and I don't want to get ensnared in her web again.....easier said than done. Help me my brothers and sisters!!
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Hawker, please stand firm. You may still be charmed by her good looks and whatever assets she flaunts your way, but this does not sound like someone who is worthy of your trust or your time. If you talk to her, she will claim to be sorry, never do it again...but can you REALLY trust that? Of course not. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. She is 36 and still acting like a sorority tart. Even us 31 year old women are more mature than that. Come on, you know you CAN and WILL do better than this "girl".
shygurl Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 She's 36? I thought she was more like 25. She's playing you like a fiddle and you're falling for it. Anybody can make themself sound all depressed and sullen and down in the dumps, come on - you're smarter than that. Take it from a 30-something woman who's had friends like this, who's had guy friends who had GFs and exes like this...............she's acting this way because it's really irking her big time that you stood up to her and followed through on the expectations you set (and the consequences for her not meeting them). It's a real blow to her ego. I assure you, she's likely not ever had a guy tell her to get lost before because all she has to do is bat her eyelashes and smile pretty, toss her hair back a bit and guys are putty in her hand. You're a conquest to her - she wants to see if she's 'STILL GOT IT' and if she can lure you back in, despite what she's done....so then she can feel all powerful and hot again. I can't even believe you would have taken her call and that you're asking what you should do here. And the problem isn't alcohol - if anything, the alcohol lets her true self emerge. I guarantee, you wimp out here and continue communicating with her, and you buy her BS, you'll be back here within 2 weeks posting about how she was pulling the same stunts. And again..........she knows how you disapprove of such behavior.........now she'll be even more secretive about it.............will likely make up for lost time when she's out with girlfriends and you're not there to babysit her. You seriously have respect for a 36 yr old woman who's passing out her phone # to guys when you're out of sight for 10 minutes? You need to seriously give your head a shake, my friend.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Excellent post Shygurl! I ditto that! This guy needs to seek out some quality 30-something women like us!
shygurl Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by jen_jen_heartbroken Excellent post Shygurl! I ditto that! This guy needs to seek out some quality 30-something women like us! ....what she said LOL
Author Hawker Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 JenJen and Shygurl.....thanks for your brutal honesty. The only reason I answered the phone was because she called from a number I didn't recognize, otherwise I wouldn't have. That's the first time I've spoken with her since last Saturday when everything went down. I'm certainly not going to take her back (at least not on a BF/GF basis). I still have an urge to meet her tonite, if for no other reason, to at least (as far fetched as it may sound) hear an apology. There's really no need to berate her or get into a pissing match either, since I've already spelled that out to her on several occasions (with quite colorful, obscene language I might add). Obviously it didn't have any effect. I don't need this drama crap in my life. I think it's a little more than just an ego trip on her part as far as 'I still got it'. She's an intelligent women who knows what's best for her, but her actions are so out of control, it's almost as if she's incapable of having a healthy relationship (maybe that's just my ego talking too. Perhaps there's a man out there that she would behave for.....I don't know). Either way, she was in a horrible marriage to a guy who pissed all over her for ten years. I'm thinking that guy may have screwed her over emotionally for life.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Hawker, you're feeling sorry for her and trying to rationalize her behavior. Don't do that. And don't meet with her...nothing good can come of it.
shygurl Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by Hawker JenJen and Shygurl.....thanks for your brutal honesty. The only reason I answered the phone was because she called from a number I didn't recognize, otherwise I wouldn't have. That's the first time I've spoken with her since last Saturday when everything went down. I'm certainly not going to take her back (at least not on a BF/GF basis). I still have an urge to meet her tonite, if for no other reason, to at least (as far fetched as it may sound) hear an apology. There's really no need to berate her or get into a pissing match either, since I've already spelled that out to her on several occasions (with quite colorful, obscene language I might add). Obviously it didn't have any effect. I don't need this drama crap in my life. I think it's a little more than just an ego trip on her part as far as 'I still got it'. She's an intelligent women who knows what's best for her, but her actions are so out of control, it's almost as if she's incapable of having a healthy relationship (maybe that's just my ego talking too. Perhaps there's a man out there that she would behave for.....I don't know). Either way, she was in a horrible marriage to a guy who pissed all over her for ten years. I'm thinking that guy may have screwed her over emotionally for life. Sorry, me no buy what you sell. 1) You assert that you're not going to take her back as in "BF/GF" - so I guess that means you're entertaining the thought of being pals, well that's sweet. She outta love you - she can sh*t all over you in public and you'll come right back. 2) You claim to not need drama in your life yet look where you're on this fine Saturday afternoon? You stood up for yourself and now you're caving - all out of curiousity - all because you're convincing yourself that you want to meet her to receive an apology. What the hell does an apology mean? Didn't she give you one the 1st and 2nd time? Words mean diddly, actions mean everything. Her actions spoke volumes. 3) On one hand you say you don't want to have to babysit someone, yet on the other hand you're willing to remain in contact with someone who's a grown woman - whose actions are out of control. Say what? 4) Unless you can corroborate the abuse she sustained from her ex husband, all you've got is her word that he treated her badly. Lots of people tell prospective new partners a big long sad sob story about how they were done wrong, bla bla. Lots of us gals have had bad marriages, very abusive in fact...........yet I doubt you'd find us being a big tipsy c*ck tease out in the clubs, with our boyfriend only a few feet away. Oh well, you do what you gotta do. Seems you're hellbent on making excuses as to why you're going to go back on your word to yourself and her...........just remember, deep down, women don't have respect for pussy-whipped men who say one thing and do another. Also, women who have suhc a strong influence over men they've mistreated and disrespected...they love it, it gives them a real sense of power...makes 'em feel the guy is a moron because he was so easily one-upped by the likes of them. Hey go see her, take her for drinks, buyher a few shots.........let the fireworks begin!
Author Hawker Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 Shygurl.....you're one tough momma. That's what I needed to hear. I'm not stupid, and what you've said is what I've been telling myself all week (hell....it's what I've been telling myself for several weeks now). It's difficult to cut that last string sometimes, though. I just called and told her I couldn't meet her tonite and that it's best we don't communicate anymore. My thanks to both of you ladies. Now it's time to get ready for Saturday night with my comrades and go release some stress...... S
lindya Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by Hawker Perhaps there's a man out there that she would behave for.....I don't know). Either way, she was in a horrible marriage to a guy who pissed all over her for ten years. I'm thinking that guy may have screwed her over emotionally for life. That might be the case. Some people get screwed over, but are careful not to "punish" the next partner for that bad experience. Others seem to almost revel in being "damaged". Show them a bit of compassion, and you'll pay for it by having your tolerance limits tested time and time again. You can invest all your emotional resources on those people without getting anything back, or you can accept that they're in the relationship purely for their own selfish needs and walk away. If you're of a caring disposition, that's not the easiest of options, but it's probably essential for your own emotional well-being.
SexKitten Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 why don't you just call her a bar-whore to her face? that should end the situation quickly, if not painlessly.
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