ironmb Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 (edited) I've found a lot of my time being in an office with a Pastor and discussing for several hours how to fix my relationship. Though I am not fully a religious person, I do try to find my faith in ways back. While i have received very good information in regards to what I've been going through, I also seem to think that they are always out for the "good outcome". I'm here to wonder what other opinions are on this.. I've been dating a girl who we met 9 years ago, at the time she was married, but we had grown into great friends. She did her thing, I did mine. I've traveled the world for my military career and since I've planted my foot in a city and decided to stay put. Just so happens, she was in the same city and had been single for quite a while. I sparked a conversation and from there it kicked off. Everything seemed great for the past 6 months, we were on a in-love high. Once we got to know each other, our skeletons came out of the closet.. I would consider myself a normal type of person. Yes I've had an awful childhood, but it made me a better man, and i do not like to live in the past. My girlfriend on the other hand, has experienced a multitude of failed relationships and betrayals. She's been cheated on, used, physically abused, taken for granted; the list is almost endless. Since knowing most of these, I walk on egg shells on anything I say, but I do it out of love. I care for her and her well being enough to change my character for the better of her. Lately it hasn't been going so well.. I feel anything i say, is used against me. I can comment on her working out stating: "Wow baby you've toned out a bit." and she will snap back at me with, "So i was fat before?!" If i send her text messages, she tells me I'm annoying her and does not want to talk to me. We live in separate houses and i usually have to beg her for quality time with her. Being close to her physically seems like a road block everyday. Her overall attitude just seems "dominate the partner to a passive subject". IMO. Now this within a reasonable understanding that we are in a positive state in our relationship.. Yes i've made mistakes of sarcastically making jokes that she did not find funny, and we have moved forward. But that is not... i repeat, not behind us. All my past "mistakes" are held within her and explodes on me on a weekly basis.. As my few trips to the Pastor seem great, and it seems once I implement his ideas into our relationship, they work for a short period but then it all unfolds at the drop of a hat.. So now I ask, would you consider leaving for the better of yourself, or continue to walk on eggshells and forfeit your character/emotions to a dominant personality that does not change? Edited June 12, 2016 by ironmb
Versacehottie Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 As my few trips to the Pastor seem great, and it seems once I implement his ideas into our relationship, they work for a short period but then it all unfolds at the drop of a hat.. I think this tells you what you need to know^^^^ I'm not usually one to say "dump them and move on" but if you are compromising who you are and walking on eggshells at this stage, what is the point of being together? I vote that you leave. Life is better than this in a couple. Or you will be fine on your own and can discover why you put up with this treatment (good and bad reasons both prob there). Good luck
TXGuy Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 My girlfriend on the other hand, has experienced a multitude of failed relationships and betrayals. She's been cheated on, used, physically abused, taken for granted; the list is almost endless. Since knowing most of these, I walk on egg shells on anything I say, but I do it out of love. Whenever you have a person telling you they have been 'abused' throughout their life, you can be sure that YOU will be on the list of 'abusers' once the relationship is over. It is better to run away from this type of person. Run early. If you don't want to take my word for it. Take your own. Google 'walking on eggshells' and the types of partners that make you do that. 1
Buddhist Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 If she has had a lot of difficult relationships then she is going to project her fears outwards. It's just what people do. The real question to ask is not do you stay or leave but....what is she doing to address these issues of hers? Because if she's not doing anything about it than just projecting it onto you, then yes you have to leave. I give this advice to anyone (male or female) it's all the same. You cannot twist yourself into a pretzel trying to please someone else. If you can put your hand on your heart and honestly say that you intend her no harm and you do her no harm then you have to conclude she has unfinished business with her past and needs to be left to deal with it. This is just the simple truth of things. I know nearly everyone thinks you can pick up a broken person and love them into a better space. No, you can't. It never works like that. Confront her with this behaviour, ask her if the relationship is important to her. If she says yes then tell her that she needs to stop projecting her past onto you and go and deal with it with a professional of some sort.
joseb Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 (edited) You shouldn't have to change who you are in any relationship. From the bit you describe, my guess is that either she has lost interest in you because it's out of the initial honeymoon phase, or she is bpd and as txguy said, you are her current "abuser". Whenever someone mentions they are "walking in eggshells" I usually think bpd. Also, guys with bad childhoods are often drawn to these kind of women. Does she seem to fit the pattern? Edited June 12, 2016 by joseb 1
Author ironmb Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 Really never knew about BPD. Just read about it and it describes her exactly like that. I think I am leaning towards ending the relationship. Today was the last straw. She can accuse me of all wrong doing but if I comment on anything about our relationship somehow I'm the reason why we are in a state of disagreement. I appreciate all your inputs, it's good to read people who are neutral in outcomes.
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