bebegal Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Hello everyone-- jsut a little confused and looking for some insight. My boyfriend of 2 months and I broke up about 2 days ago. He said he needed until the 1st of the month( he is very busy working 12 days in a row/12hour shifts. I am new to this town and did not want him to think that I was going to ever leave and go home to be with my parents/friends who live across the country. I made such a big deal of saying i could care less about either-- i mean i do not get along with them etc etc.. that he confronts me and says that family life and friends are imp. to him and imp values he would want to instill on his children. I was schocked never thinking he would take my words to the meaning he did. I just didnt want him to think I would move away. BTW I am 24 he is 30. He also was angry that at a party he was trying to help(it was a friends bbq) he was cutting up tomatoes etc. and everyone else was socializing. SO i was look oh come on lets sit down no one is helping. He was angry at that b/c he wants his girlfriend to be the first one to offer help not discourage him from helping. He is right. During this conversation I tried to explain myself and tell him he is right and Im willing to change. He said I need time to think about this. I have fun with you, your beautiful, you make me so happy, you are kind, sweet and caring and so good to me. (I share in paying for our meals, I do e rrands for him, listen to his stories/work related etc ) however your negatives are that you do not have enough hobbies..as I feel that you have made me your hobbie, as well as we spend too much time together and I do not have much time at all,,I never get to think. Lastly that you begin to pick up other peoples characteristics when you are wiht them and you live a sedentary life and I feel that I have become this way as well. The sedentary part--well I only work 3 days a wk and when we are togheter I encourag down time as he has just worked a 12 hour day...I tried to explain. So all in all he will tell me this friday what he thinks. He had said at the time of our breakup that he would have ended it right away had I been dishonest, cheated..etc but I am a good person we just have our differences and he needs to think if he can work through them. I emailed him that it is important in a relatiosnhip to look at each others strengths but recognize thier weaknesses as well as why I said what i did about my mother and friends My intentions just to prove to him I wasnt leaving. He told me being with me is agamble b/c I could easily turn my back on him. So my question to you is what do you think our conversation on friday will bring..??
d'Arthez Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 I don't know if you told the truth about the relationships you have with the members of your family, but I assume you were stating the truth. You can have the ideal of a good relationship with your family, without having the family to have good relationships with. He should not hold it against you, as it does not change who you are. Yes, you would be no doormat who desperately tries to keep up warm relationships with the various family-members. Can't see what is wrong with that. The second instance you described was more an unlucky moment than anything else. It would be different if you were the only one doing nothing, and then to suggest to him to stop cutting the tomatoes. I can't see why it was essential that the tomatoes were cut that instant. As for hobbies, perhaps he is right. But you don't need to fly all over the country to be busy. Reading books, or studying on whatever is also a way to do something productive with your time, without being dependent on anyone. I personally can't see what would be wrong with that. Picking up characteristics is a good attribute, but only if the company is inspiring, and not degrading in one way or the other. So in a way he was not talking just about you, but also about the people you are spending time with. Perhaps his judgement was too harsh, but the only way to make certain what he meant, is to ask him. The time spent together could be a real issue, for which you might need to find compromises. The key is of course balance, and what according to you might be balance as you work less, would be tipped scales in his perception. If he is afraid of gambling and losing his bet, he should prefer the safe option, of not gamling and not losing his bet. In a way relationships are a bit like gambling, as you won't be certain at every moment that you get what you thought you would get. I hope for the best for you. But it is hard to predict what the outcome will be - but don't get tense because of that, try to remain confident.
Jennifer'sSecret Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 So what happened during your talk on Friday?
Author bebegal Posted June 26, 2005 Author Posted June 26, 2005 there has not been a talk yet--it will take place on friday. However I feel that if he is able to go 8 days without talking/seeing me then I know what his decision will be. DO you think that if he wanted to be with me he would break the silence before then..? If he waits till friday--meanwhile knowing how I am suffering-- the news can not be good..
d'Arthez Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 8 days is a relatively short time-span. It is not indicative of a decision in either direction, especially as you know he will be working 12-hour shifts these days. You are only suffering, because, strange as it may sound, you think the decision is solely dependent upon him and you cannot stand the thought of not being with him. It is also dependent on you, and how you come through these days. Your life does not revolve around him, and his life does not revolve around you. The matter is not in your hands anymore. But it is also a bit of a test, as he felt you spent too much time with him. You might think otherwise, but if he is off his shifts, and spending all his time with you, that seems to be much. Even though in the remaining time you might be doing all kinds of different things. Become a bit more independent and confident, and when you do have a talk coming Friday, make certain you can tell him more than "I did not do anything, in the past week except for crying because I missed you." And again 8 days is a short amount of time. Use the time wisely.
Author bebegal Posted June 26, 2005 Author Posted June 26, 2005 thank you a lot. that really helped alot what you said. So even if he does wait until friday.. it could be good news. I am stuck on the idea that if he knew, he should know by now and let me know as well...unless the news is that he wants to remain broken up. Isnt it kind of risky for him to hold out until friday if he truly new by now or soon that he wanted to be with me.??
d'Arthez Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 He has to have time to think about this, and you have to have time to think about this. And improve your ways. He needs a bit of space, to think about the relationship, what he wants from it, and what he wants from you. These are things you don't think of in an instant - in all likelihood he needs the full eight days. It are also eight days you should use to improve yourself, and your ways of dealing with him. Even if he would break up with you, and that is not a decided matter, you could learn a few valuable relationship lessons from this. Even if he had decided on what he wants right now, it does not mean that the time that would remain could not be spent wisely by you.
Swamp Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Honestly, He needs space. Give him the space he wants, plus space you want. Don't chase after him and let him drag you around by the nose. Tell him you are going to move on yourself. Do a preemptive break up -- kinda like on Seinfeld. Kick HIM to the curb. Don't even give him he chance to hurt your feelings. Hurt his feelings first, and you are letting him know the opposite of what he thinks.
crazy_grl Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by Swamp Tell him you are going to move on yourself. Do a preemptive break up -- kinda like on Seinfeld. Kick HIM to the curb. Don't even give him he chance to hurt your feelings. Hurt his feelings first, and you are letting him know the opposite of what he thinks. That's just simply bad advice. I wouldn't do that if you want to continue your relationship. Of the things I've ever done, this kind of thing is the one I regret most. This is completely selfish and inconsiderate of his feelings. It would also confirm to him that you would easily turn your back on him. bebegal, from your other posts, I don't think you would take this type of advice, but just in case: if you want a healthy relationship, don't play stupid games like this. I hope it was sarcasm, because I don't see how advising someone to do something they saw on Seinfeld could be anything else...
Author bebegal Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 Oh I would not take that advice..to follow seinfeld however thank you for your input. Does anyone else have any gentler advice ..
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