How to deal with lie of omission...

[Summer_Nights82]

I need some advice from people with a different perspective.

 

Background:

 

Met my bf online, been together for about six months. He was the one to bring up being exclusive and then asked to be bf/gf. He calls when he says hes going to, makes time for me during the week, and really has done nothing wrong up until now.

 

 

The Issue:

 

A few days prior tells me hes going out with his friend. I say ok great have fun. After the out he comes to see me. His friend works in the field he is trying to get into. I ask “so did he give you any advice?” “Maybe he can help you with applications.” Both he answered to and I didn’t suspect anything was wrong. Until later in the evening when he mentioned his friend wanted to visit a certain location, to which I then asked if his friend was a girl. Surprise, surprise it was.

 

I am upset that he lied by omission and didn’t correct me on the few times that I mentioned him. Also it irritates me that he lied and it had to do with another female. He says that he didn’t want to worry me and that’s why he didn’t tell me.

 

 

Ugh, I am torn right now. Anyone deal with something like this? I am not sure what to do.

[AllHeartsHaveDarts]

Have you shown jealousy or given him any reason to be nervous about being around a female friend? I'm not saying that would excuse it if you had, but I think it would be helpful information.

[Summer_Nights82]

Nope, not at all. I know he has female friends, he's human. It's the hiding that causes me to doubt this situation in particular.

I feel so stuck on how to proceed. I don't like when my partner lies. I've made that clear to him. I just feel stressed about it all

[Dork Vader]

Personally I would just talk to them about what an omission is and that you would appreciate he be forthcoming, honest and open. Omissions and half truths are not acceptable in any relationship IMO.

 

Talk about boundaries and what's acceptable. You don't want to fight over this, just talk about it. Be civil, don't accuse, don't involve anger. Just say you feel like it was an omission, that it made you uncomfortable. If he still sees nothing wrong in it, then ask him how he would feel if you did the same. Tell him to be honest.

[Buddhist]

I am upset that he lied by omission and didn’t correct me on the few times that I mentioned him. Also it irritates me that he lied and it had to do with another female. He says that he didn’t want to worry me and that’s why he didn’t tell me.

 

I am not sure what to do.

 

I really don't see the big issue here. He didn't correct you because 'surprise, surprise' you're making a big deal out of it. He was right about that. :roll eyes: You do know you can't possibly control the fact that half of the world's population are female. What are you going to do, beat every single one off with a stick. What does it matter?

 

At some point you are going to have to accept that yes he is going to talk to other women, yes there will be times he'll be in the vicinity of another woman. You will be expected to and you will have to trust him. You need to get a handle on your own insecurities here, because this will wreck a perfectly good relationship.

[candie13]

Lies are big on my dealbreaker's list. They shed a totally different light on the person in front of you. Being together means you're allowing yourself to get vulnerable, trust and be trusted.

 

I understand fear, though. People putting back on you and how you "overreact" are doing nothing but victim bashing. Damn right you're to be upset, you are the one who got lied to.

 

If he lied to you about that, what else is he lying about? Is she really simply working in a field he's interested or was is a date? Does the chick know he has a gf? I mean... sorry, but all the gates of hell are now open, that he went on a night out with another woman behind your back.

 

I'm not saying you are entitled to overreacting and blowing a fuse, but the first 6 months are very shaky and anything can turn into a potential reason for a break up extremely fast.

 

I agree to talking to him and asking him if he'd be comfortable to be discuss this situation. Then you can ask him if he'd be comfortable to answer some of your questions. You make sure to ask all of your questions - including if he wants to go back on exclusivity and seeing other people, in a calm, open and non judgmental way. Careful that a lot of men talk the walk but walk a totally different path.

 

In time, you'll be able to see if there's a discrepancy between what he's saying - and asking of you - such as exclusivity - and his own behavior.

 

Personally, I'm fine with people having opposite sex friends, but when it comes to acquaintances, the lines are blurry. I also understand that he might actually need that information from that woman from a professional standpoint. Thing is, you feel those things when talking to him.

 

The first 6 months are for observation only. It's not about him lying or trying to lead you on, it's a discovery phase where you get to know him and get to see if he has the sort of behaviour you want in a partner, if he's reliable and honest. And that gets proven with facts not words. In time.

 

My advice:

- watch his reaction when you ask him if he wants to speak about his professional encounter; if he's evasive and gets upset, don't press it further. That would be a big red flag and yeah, I'd imagine the worst, if he reacted that way

- if he's uncomfortable and feels guilty, but agrees to talk, that's ok, it means your RS may be salvageable

 

I'm not saying that if he refuses to speak, he cheated on you. It only means that when the sh*t hits the fan, he'll close all doors on you and leave you alone. By yourself. It's the principle, not this specific incident. I'm not dating people who shut down. Too complicated. Too hurtful.

[angel.eyes]

How I would feel in your shoes would depend on the tone of the conversation and the full context of the situation.

 

Ultimately, what's odd is that you know he has female friends, but he wasn't initially forthcoming about the gender of this particular friend. That's the only thing that would raise questions in my mind. In the moment when you discovered this, I would have semi-joked that here you have been calling her a him all this time, then have a very brief conversation about being open and upfront about things...which includes correcting misperceptions as they arise...example, you having called this friend of his a "he" for however long you did before he finally corrected you. Then drop it unless there is another lie of omission. Part of dating is making sure the other person understands what you value and what types of behavior/treatment you expect and/or consider acceptable in a relationship.

 

Out of curiosity, do you know how long they have known each other? Or how they met--former school mates, work colleagues, etc.?

[angel.eyes]

Summer_Nights82 doesn't come across as insecure at all! She is aware her boyfriend has female friends and has been fine with that all along, if I understand the OP correctly. What causes consternation is the fact that he lied. Why would he feel a need to be upfront about all his other female friends, but for an undefined period of time, lie by omission about the gender of just one particular friend. She is right to question the situation. She is also absolutely right to make sure he understands what types of behaviors are and aren't acceptable to her in a relationship...as is he, obviously.

 

At some point you are going to have to accept that yes he is going to talk to other women, yes there will be times he'll be in the vicinity of another woman. You will be expected to and you will have to trust him. You need to get a handle on your own insecurities here, because this will wreck a perfectly good relationship.

[Emilia]

I do think the OP comes across insecure. The fact that she thinks it's 'lie by omission' shows insecurity. Besides, I bet her boyfriend referred to his friend as 'she' at least once or by her name. When you talk about a third person, how often are you able to avoid referring to their gender? Not very.

 

Regardless, I agree with Buddhist, he mentions that the friend is a female and voila, he is in trouble. How could the scenario described be even perceived as a lie???

 

By the way, I find people who have a problem with opposite sex friendships a bit shady (though I don't mean the OP), their issue is projection at best, inability to relate to the opposite sex beyond sexual relationship at worst.

[AllHeartsHaveDarts]

OP, please don't listen to the people here who barely read your post and are projecting big time. You don't seem at all insecure or like you have a problem with him having female friends. I completely understand where you are coming from, and to me it seems like a"wait and see" situation. This isn't a dealbreaker per Se by itself, but if this kind of thing happens again (about ANYTHING), that might be.

[random5thave]

People like to throw the word insecure around a lot on this site... Just to shut you up. Don't listen.

[Emilia]

OP, please don't listen to the people here who barely read your post and are projecting big time. You don't seem at all insecure or like you have a problem with him having female friends. I completely understand where you are coming from, and to me it seems like a"wait and see" situation. This isn't a dealbreaker per Se by itself, but if this kind of thing happens again (about ANYTHING), that might be.

 

I read the OP's post and read yours, just because people don't agree with you it doesn't mean they have 'barely read' or projecting. Some of us simply disagree with your views. I'm sure the OP can make up her own mind.

[Summer_Nights82]

Thank you for all the replies..It is good to get different opinions and perspectives. I truly do appreciate it, no matter how harsh it may be.

 

 

I am not sure how to quote people so I will just reply here.

 

 

No I dont know the name of his friend, nor did he ever refer to the friend as a her in mentioning about going out, nor did he correct me after when I said he several times. I had to ask him point blank.

 

What bothers me about this the most is the hiding, the fact that he hid it and it was a woman just added to it.

 

 

He has stated to me before several times before this incident that he hates lying, it isnt in his character etc. Which is also why I am having a hard time with it.

 

 

I am not a teen. I know guys have friends of both genders. This would not even have been a concern/discussion/post on here lol if he had just mentioned that he was with her that day.

 

We did have a discussion, he was open to talking about it, realized that it upset me and yes "it looked suspicious" (those were his words) and he apologized saying it wouldn't happen again.

 

 

So I am at the point where I either decide this isnt for me, or give him the benefit of the doubt and move forward. It just feels pretty crappy.

[smackie9]

It's possible he is projecting guilt. Maybe she's really attractive, would bang her if he was single and has sexy thoughts about her, and that would be the reason why he didn't mention it was a she.

[kendahke]

I need some advice from people with a different perspective.

 

Background:

 

Met my bf online, been together for about six months. He was the one to bring up being exclusive and then asked to be bf/gf. He calls when he says hes going to, makes time for me during the week, and really has done nothing wrong up until now.

 

 

The Issue:

 

A few days prior tells me hes going out with his friend. I say ok great have fun. After the out he comes to see me. His friend works in the field he is trying to get into. I ask “so did he give you any advice?” “Maybe he can help you with applications.” Both he answered to and I didn’t suspect anything was wrong. Until later in the evening when he mentioned his friend wanted to visit a certain location, to which I then asked if his friend was a girl. Surprise, surprise it was.

 

I am upset that he lied by omission and didn’t correct me on the few times that I mentioned him. Also it irritates me that he lied and it had to do with another female. He says that he didn’t want to worry me and that’s why he didn’t tell me.

 

 

Ugh, I am torn right now. Anyone deal with something like this? I am not sure what to do.

 

He has stated to me before several times before this incident that he hates lying, it isnt in his character etc. Which is also why I am having a hard time with it.

 

 

Nothing about your behavior is grounds for judgment on him choosing to lie by omission to you and his excuse is flimsy. What would you need to be worried about if everything is on the up and up? To me, him saying that would have my hackles up, too.

 

Also, you're not insecure because he's chosen to lie in your face and let you believe a lie as to who this friend really is---had be been truthful from the start and you still acted this way, then yes, that's insecurity. It's rather calculating to allow someone to believe something that you know for a freakin' fact is the truth and that's what jettisons this out of the realm of "insecurity" and into "insult to your intelligence".

 

6 months in and he's already managing you. Be careful as you tread further with him because he may not be above gaslighting you, too.

 

This might not be the relationship you need if he's doing this sort of thing.

Edited June 12, 2016 by kendahke

[katiegrl]

I love the way he flipped HIS lie back on you. Ugh!

 

He lied because YOU wouldn't *understand* ... essentially blaming *you* for *him* lying! Another ugh!

 

Instead of him taking responsibility for the fact he lied, he was sorry, he was wrong, and he should have been honest from the get go.

 

For me, I might be able to move past it had he done that.

 

But him flipping it back on me? Blaming me for him needing to lie?

 

Um, no, nice try though.

 

I would be seriously re-thinking this relationship if I were you.....

[Summer_Nights82]

 

Out of curiosity, do you know how long they have known each other? Or how they met--former school mates, work colleagues, etc.?

 

He told me that they met in college and have been friends for about eight years. They are both in law enforcement, hes in one area of it, her in another. The area of law enforcement she is in, is where he wants to work.

[katiegrl]

He told me that they met in college and have been friends for about eight years. They are both in law enforcement, hes in one area of it, her in another. The area of law enforcement she is in, is where he wants to work.

 

Which is fine!

 

So why hide the fact he was going out with her then? If it's an innocent get together between two long time friends.

 

Why would he not think you would understand?

 

Because he *wasn't* going out with her as just a *friend* that's why.

 

And if you had not found out on your own, he would have never told you.

 

Something isn't jiving and jmo but I think something is going on between them other than a friendship and her helping him with his job.

 

Calling BS on that.

Edited June 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Summer Night, I hope to god you don't excuse, justify, or shuffle under the rug.

 

None of this looks good and if you stay, I don't see this ending up well for you.

 

They work together, something is going on otherwise he would have told you the truth from the get go...

 

Please be smart.... as my late mom used to say "use your noodle honey."

[kendahke]

Summer, none of your subsequent posts make him or his judgement look any better.

 

Re-read Katiegrl's posts---for someone who is just a bud whose shares a line of work, he's being extra in his attempts to keep you from knowing this "friend".

 

When they start blaming you for them choosing to lie, then that's when your relationship has run its course and needs to end. He's going to continue to lie and act brand new by saying how much he doesn't like liars--except when it's him who is the liar and no matter what, his reasons are justified. Uh uh.. no.

[katiegrl]

I do think the OP comes across insecure. The fact that she thinks it's 'lie by omission' shows insecurity. Besides, I bet her boyfriend referred to his friend as 'she' at least once or by her name. When you talk about a third person, how often are you able to avoid referring to their gender? Not very.

 

Regardless, I agree with Buddhist, he mentions that the friend is a female and voila, he is in trouble. How could the scenario described be even perceived as a lie???

 

By the way, I find people who have a problem with opposite sex friendships a bit shady (though I don't mean the OP), their issue is projection at best, inability to relate to the opposite sex beyond sexual relationship at worst.

 

What?

 

First off it *was* a lie of omission, why shouldn't she call it as such? Lest she is accused of being insecure? Not getting your rationale there.

 

Second, you are *sure* he referred to his friend as *she* at some point?

 

Were you there? Didn't think so.

 

I choose to believe Summer when she says she referred to his *friend* as *he* and her bf did not correct her.....

 

Third, she specifically said she does NOT have an issue with opposite sex friendships ...she has an issue with *this particular friendship* because he hid it from her and lied about it.

Edited June 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[Buddhist]

Okay, I just want to clear up some confusion about where my particular response is coming from and incidentally why I happen to disagree with most of the advice in this thread.

 

- The man you are dating is the man you are dating. No amount of 'non-confrontational' chats is ever going to change his character and how he expresses them. Sorry but it doesn't.

 

- A lot of people approach relationships the way society in general approaches all things. By attempting to negotiate away the unpleasant parts of people we don't particularly enjoy. That may seem to work in something like a job setting because there's the pay-packet at the end of the day that the person may well decide is worth playing the game for. There is no such payoff in a relationship.

 

- But trust me on this. If a man is going to cheat on you he will do it, regardless. Because that behaviour in general has nothing to do with you, or your relationship. It's just who he is. The more you chat to him about what sets you off and what doesn't, the more information he has on how to go about cheating on you without you being alarmed. In effect you're just teaching him to lift his deception game out of your field of awareness.

 

- Relationships are about only one thing trust. Not trust in another person really. People are people, they are by and large full of ****ty aspects we'd rather not know about. But trust in you, your ability to handle what comes of any relationship and walk away in tact.

 

- When you rely on external conditions for your trust in self, you remain on very shaky ground. One event can be catastrophic to you, and this is when people feel as if the rug has been pulled out from underneath them. They get blindsided, their reality is suddenly shattered when they discover that the person they put all their trust in just wasn't worthy of carrying it.

 

- So yes. Being alarmed by external circumstances like this is a form of insecurity. Because it shows very clearly what you are relying on to feel safe in life. Yes I know, this flys in the face of every single bit of common wisdom out there blah, blah, blah. I never claimed to be conventional in my thinking.

 

- Expecting a partner to never lie to you is like expecting water to start flowing uphill. It's not going to happen. Look around you and inside of you. How often do you lie on a daily basis. Anyone who tells me never is lying to me right now. Society and social rules dictate that we habitually lie in order to keep the peace with each other. So how realistic is it to expect that someone you barely know (yes months is barely knowing) to throw away a habit of a lifetime in all interactions with you, just because you are in a relationship. Yes the OP is shocked and saddened by this lie of ommission. But I am hard pressed to believe she has never done exactly the same thing. Often what we are most offended about in life is other people doing the exact things we are doing.

 

- I've learnt in life it's more realistic to understand that lying is a fact of life and you are very likely to never get the absolute truth from anyone no matter how long you've been in a relationship with them for. The best you can hope for is a companionship without major abuse going on that's tolerable for both of you.

 

My way of thinking comes from deep disillusionment in relationships and realising much of my pain actually came from the unrealistic relationships I was holding. Not what actually occurred in any given relationship. Life here isn't a fairyland, people aren't neurosis-free no matter how normal they may appear. Everyone has stuff they hide form others. Sorry but this idea that counselling our partners the way psychotherapists counsel us will make them better people is just another one of those lies floating around the planet.

 

I'm happy for people to disagree with me. We all come to our own conclusions in life based on our own experiences. But I'm not going to jump on the 'OMG he's a liar, that's a deal breaker!' bandwagon, because you may as well stop dating completely if that's your attitude. Or just hope you meet someone who is so good at lying to you that you fail to notice it.

[Popsicle]

I need some advice from people with a different perspective.

 

Background:

 

Met my bf online, been together for about six months. He was the one to bring up being exclusive and then asked to be bf/gf. He calls when he says hes going to, makes time for me during the week, and really has done nothing wrong up until now.

 

 

The Issue:

 

A few days prior tells me hes going out with his friend. I say ok great have fun. After the out he comes to see me. His friend works in the field he is trying to get into. I ask “so did he give you any advice?” “Maybe he can help you with applications.” Both he answered to and I didn’t suspect anything was wrong. Until later in the evening when he mentioned his friend wanted to visit a certain location, to which I then asked if his friend was a girl. Surprise, surprise it was.

 

I am upset that he lied by omission and didn’t correct me on the few times that I mentioned him. Also it irritates me that he lied and it had to do with another female. He says that he didn’t want to worry me and that’s why he didn’t tell me.

 

 

Ugh, I am torn right now. Anyone deal with something like this? I am not sure what to do.

 

Oh dear, this would give me serious pause...

 

If it were me, I would let him know that I strongly don't approve. There's a high chance that he'll argue, a lot people have that natural reaction, but if he keeps seeing her, then I'd dump him after that. You don't want to deal with that.

Edited June 13, 2016 by Popsicle