BoatingBabe Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 MM had another fit yesterday when I left early to start my weekend with my SG. He came around looking for me towards the end of the night and found out from my secr. I left for the weekend with SG for a short trip. He grabber HER PERSONAL PHONE to find my number and call me, but my cell was disconnected. She said he started yelling at her saying why she didn't call him to let him know I was leaving...At the same time, the SG called my job asking to speak to me, and he heard the phonecall, but was dumbfounded...he didn't believe I really had someone before this happened yesterday. He kept barking orders at her to get me on the phone that he needs to talk to me...I never called him . He was pissed the rest of the night and spoke to no one. When I got home there was a frantic message from her about this...so instead of going on my trip all happy....I had this insane feeling of guilt and felt bad about how he acted....and felt bad for him. My SG is taking a shower right now and has no idea of what is going on at work...not to this extent...but his behavior is affecting us as well. I can't understant these strong feelings MM has when I am not in a relationship with him...especially him KNOWING I'd never be with him and that I consider him off limits. I just don't get this.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 1. ...but his behavior is affecting us as well. 2. I can't understant these strong feelings MM has when I am not in a relationship with him...especially him KNOWING I'd never be with him and that I consider him off limits. 1. You have the power to stop that. Stop your emotional affair with MM, threaten him with a sexual harassment suit, threaten to tell his wife - end the affair, and your problems with SG can begin to be solved. 2. You have permitted an emotional affair to happen, therefore MM is under the impression that you are involved with him. Whether or not he can 'have you' is a moot point. On some level he knows he already 'has' you, otherwise you wouldn't have allowed yourself to become involved with him like this. He probably feels a deeper involvement with you than he would have had it been just a casual ONS. It doesn't matter what you think in this situation - what matters is that he feels that he owns you to some extent regardless of how close to or far from reality it is. You know this guy is unstable and this could blow up in your face at any second. Playing with dynamite comes with accepting the risk involved. You hold the key to stopping this. The question is: do you want to use it? If you want to keep your MM, then you will have to understand that his jealousy and emotional instability comes with the territory - so does accepting that by being involved with this guy you are willingly allowing other relationships to be sabotaged that you have the opportunity to have.
Author BoatingBabe Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia You hold the key to stopping this. The question is: do you want to use it? If you want to keep your MM, then you will have to understand that his jealousy and emotional instability comes with the territory - so does accepting that by being involved with this guy you are willingly allowing other relationships to be sabotaged that you have the opportunity to have. I know this and that is why I didn't want him to know where I was going...But My secr. opened her mouth because she likes taunting him and getting a rise out of him. I really feel bad for him more than anything and I can't find it my heart to be cruel to him. He almost got fired one day when I decided to end contact with him. He was in such a fragile state those weeks he got into fights with everyone at work and almost got himself canned. Once I started talking to him again, he was jolly at work and happy. So now I am extra sensitive to this and realize my actions affect him more than I thought....and that is why I didn't want him to know about my weekend trip because I had a feeling he'd react this way. My question is, do you think that him knowing there is someone in my life now, that he will take this as a defeat and stay away? I have a feeling he's going to be in a foul mood on Monday, but maybe these are the things he needs to know about to ground him?
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 My question is, do you think that him knowing there is someone in my life now, that he will take this as a defeat and stay away? Probably not. His being married didn't keep you from being involved with him, so there's no reason to think that you seeing someone else will keep him away from you. He probably has a twisted logic in that as long as you are still allowing him to hold you responsible for his happiness and caving in to his need for you - you still belong to him, no matter what other guy happens to be in your life. He will probably not accept defeat unless you cut off all contact with him outside of 'strictly business' interaction, with a threat to take him down on all levels should he try to cross the line again. Even then, as long as you are still in proximity to him - he still may refuse to accept your rejection and will likely begin bringing out the 'big guns' if he feels he can call your bluff. As long as you are 'there for him', he is going to assume that you belong to him. He sounds like the master of passive aggressive control.
Author BoatingBabe Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 Thanks for your insight Lucrezia..you always help me understand the situation better.
westernxer Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by BoatingBabe I just don't get this. I don't get why you're entertaining thoughts of the married guy in the first place... plus you've got a guy already.
Author BoatingBabe Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer I don't get why you're entertaining thoughts of the married guy in the first place... plus you've got a guy already. You don't know the history of this..He and I started out as really good friends last year and we developed a bond that in my mind was just friendship...Things progressed FOR HIM, not me. But I do care about him and I don't want to hurt him. Trust me, I have tried to sever this friendship several times. But he is good at what he does and now I"m even starting to feel guilty. He has been talking about leaving his wife....which will make this situation even worse than it is now.
newbby Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 cumon bb, you are hooked on his attention to you as much as he is on yours. how would you honestly feel if he just got on with his life? you know you can put an end to this, you just dont want to. in my opinion anyway. i'm not judging, i know the hook well
westernxer Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by BoatingBabe You don't know the history of this..He and I started out as really good friends last year and we developed a bond that in my mind was just friendship...Things progressed FOR HIM, not me. But I do care about him and I don't want to hurt him. Why do you think he befriended you? Just to be friends? "Friends" is more like it. He has been talking about leaving his wife.... That's what they all say.
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 I can't understant these strong feelings MM has when I am not in a relationship with him...especially him KNOWING I'd never be with him and that I consider him off limits. I just don't get this. It's time you completely cut off contact with him. I mean what you do outside of work is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. This MM is not playing with a full deck of cards. There is something wrong with him, or he's on one hell of a power control trip here. You going out with SG is setting him off BIG TIME and he seems like the male version of FATAL ATTRACTION!!! I'm not kidding! I know this and that is why I didn't want him to know where I was going...But My secr. opened her mouth because she likes taunting him and getting a rise out of him. Tell her to NOT do this anymore. IT is your life she is screwing with by telling him...I think it's really low of her to be finding amusement in this situation. She should not be discussing ANYTHING with him, except on a professional level. I really feel bad for him more than anything and I can't find it my heart to be cruel to him. He almost got fired one day when I decided to end contact with him. He doesn't respect you, he treats you like your HIS and you are not - Sorry, he has NO say whatsoever about you and your life! The fact he is allowing this to come into the work place, take over and nearly lose his job over it is just MORE proof he is unstable. I'm scared for you - I wouldn't want to be anywhere near this man when he goes "postal." Not saying that to freak you out, but you must know he's acting really wacko!!! My question is, do you think that him knowing there is someone in my life now, that he will take this as a defeat and stay away? I have a feeling he's going to be in a foul mood on Monday, but maybe these are the things he needs to know about to ground him? You are going to have to take back ALL the power and control - Which means taking the bull by the horns, end it with him. No friendship. And yes, that you are in a serious relationship now. Suggest to him he would benefit from some counselling too. YOU are not responsible for his moods. He has ALLOWED himself to be controlled by what you do in your life. He has the power to stop that, not you. I feel for you in this situation. It's scary.
Author BoatingBabe Posted June 26, 2005 Author Posted June 26, 2005 Oh Dear...My first step is to stop being close with my secr. He uses her to get info about me, and she freely gives anything up....he makes it sound all romantic, how he can't stop thinking about me, etc, so she feels for him and helps him try to get closer to me. He doesn't confront me with his feelings at all....He can barely even have a decent conversation with me....He just wants to control who I talk to, who I laugh with, etc....Like Lucrezia said, it's all about passive aggression. Of course, he succeeds in controlling nothing and I think it just makes him more determined. For all of you who suggested I stop contact, I have tried, several times...he doesn't back off and when I saw he was getting in trouble at work, I felt bad and caved in. If he decides to question me on Monday about my plans this weekend, I will just turn it around on him and ask what he and his wife did...that will send a clear message to him, that what I do is none of his business and he has no right in asking. This is a delicate situation..and I really have to treat it in a sensitive manner. Something tells me I shouldn't get on his bad side... I wonder how he is treating his wife at home since he began this with me...I wonder if she is even aware of what is going on in his head.
Author BoatingBabe Posted June 26, 2005 Author Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer You work with this guy, too? Yes, same department, same floor...different shifts though..but he stays late a lot.
newbby Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 if you are inconsistent, he will become more obsessed, when you ignore him he feels rejected, then when you speak to him again he feels even more wanted in contrast to the rejection but still unsure. its actually the best game to play to keep someone interested. i know it can be scary, i've dealt with guys like that, but they have to know you mean buisness when you cut off contact. i would tell him that you feel your friendship is innapropriate especially when he demands to know where you are when you are out with your bf, and call him that in front of him too. tell him he is starting to worry you and if he doesnt leave you alone you will be forced to tell his wife. i had this abit with my mm, although in no way to this extreme. i dont think he is going to give up easily. what are you hoping will happen? that he will get bored and leave you alone?
Author BoatingBabe Posted June 26, 2005 Author Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by newbby what are you hoping will happen? that he will get bored and leave you alone? Maybe not bored, but that he will get frustrated enough to walk away and find an "easier" target that will buy into his bull**** and have an affair with him. This has been going on a long enough time and he has not gotten any closer to me....yes, we've been out twice, but always with other people. I am hoping he gives up on his own...but I'm starting to think that's a delusion on my part...?
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 I think you need to be very very clear with this man so he "gets" it. Seems he is the type to hear only what he wants to hear. "I don't want to have anything to do with you on a personal level. If you wish to speak to me about work related issues, that is fine - Anything outside of that, please don't, otherwise I will either 1)tell your wife, 2)go to HR and complain about you." That should be enough for him to understand. Hopefully!
Author BoatingBabe Posted June 26, 2005 Author Posted June 26, 2005 Oy...I can see him laughing at that comment and say, go ahead, do it...I haven't been inappropriate. And then he'll start hating me, and then I'll really have to watch my back. I really don't want to go down that road with this one.
westernxer Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 The downside of workplace romance is you have to continue working with them after things go bad... at least you've got HR on your side if he continues harassing you.
whichwayisup Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by BoatingBabe Oy...I can see him laughing at that comment and say, go ahead, do it...I haven't been inappropriate. And then he'll start hating me, and then I'll really have to watch my back. I really don't want to go down that road with this one. But with your secretary as a witness, and hopefully if he's left voice messages and/or emails to you, that is the PROOF. I'm sure many at work have picked up vibes and basically 'know' what is going on too. Even if you think nobody does, you'd be surprised how people who have nothing better to do will listen in and pay attention. His reactions and his anger at work I'm sure doesn't go unnoticed. If he hates you, let him hate you. Hate him back! Don't let him have control or push you around.
westernxer Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Even if you think nobody does, you'd be surprised how people who have nothing better to do will listen in and pay attention. Everybody knows.
Author BoatingBabe Posted June 26, 2005 Author Posted June 26, 2005 Yes, everyone at work is completely aware of what is going on. In the past, I have joked with him too because I really did value our friendship. I've emailed him jokes and we do call eachother every now and then. He is not an all around bad guy...but he is turning into a controlling possessive type person. I have friendships with many male coworkers...People that I am friendly with....who I joke with and we leave it at that. He is obviously more interested but hasn't acted inappropriate in that he's never asked me out on a date alone, or never made sexual or lewd comments towards me, he doesn't touch me inappropriately or grab me. He just visits me multiple times a day (in my office) and has these control/jealousy issues. ie; wanting to know where I am am, who is in my office, who I'm laughing with (especially if they're men). He comes around so many times that I feel that he WANTS people to suspect an affair...eventhough there isn't one. He talks negatively about his wife, not towards me so much as he does to EVERYONE else. He pops in and surprises me a lot, trying to find clues or "bust" me talking to another man. He has me on edge at work with his little surprises and he likes it. He's definetly a control freak.
westernxer Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 You need to do something about it, and you can. I would (and I have).
Author BoatingBabe Posted June 26, 2005 Author Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer You need to do something about it, and you can. I would (and I have). You had a little workplace "romance" as well? Did you go to HR? or did you just tell her straight out to leave you alone?
westernxer Posted June 26, 2005 Posted June 26, 2005 I was getting harassed by this lady, so I sent her boss an e-mail asking her to do something about it. After that she never bothered me again. HR was my next step, if it didn't work. As a professional, I take my work very seriously, and I won't let anyone make me feel uncomfortable. If they hate me for it, f*ck 'em. The law's on my side.
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