He lied to me about his age.

June 11, 2016

I've been dating someone new for only a few weeks, but we have really hit it off and have grown close in a short amount of time. We actually work together (he started working at my company in February of this year) but we are in two different departments. I put in my two weeks notice recently (not because of him) and so if we continue to date, working together will no longer be an issue.

The issue is that I found out he lied to me about his age. We were discussing age about a week ago and he told me he was 36. I work in the HR department of my company and one of my duties is that I file all paperwork for employees. While I was filing the other day, I needed to pull his folder to file a document and I noticed a form he had filled out. I took a glance and noticed his age.. 46. I felt uncomfortable not just because he had lied to me about his age by 10 years, but because of the way I had to find out.

I have had multiple chances to bring this up to him, but I just don't know how. He will most likely feel violated when I explain to him how I made the discovery, but I truly was not snooping and looking for information. I can't help that it is my job to file paperwork for employees and happened to see his age. This is a really sticky, sensitive situation and I am unsure of how to handle it. He has been nothing short of incredible to me and I feel a great deal for him already. However, even though this is a trivial thing to lie about, it is still a lie and it makes me wonder what else he's capable of lying about. I am torn and don't know what to do or how to approach this. Thoughts?

Thank you for reading.

June 11, 2016

Would you have dated him if he told you he was 46?

If it doesn't matter to you then it doesn't seem like a problem but the fact you asked and are thinking about ending it says it is a problem for you. You just need to tell him you don't see things working out and not have to reveal how you found his lie.

June 11, 2016

Would you have dated him if he told you he was 46?

If it doesn't matter to you then it doesn't seem like a problem but the fact you asked and are thinking about ending it says it is a problem for you. You just need to tell him you don't see things working out and not have to reveal how you found his lie.

The fact that he's 46 doesn't bother me at all. I should have mentioned in the post that I'm nearing 30 years old. He looks and acts much younger than 46 (he could definitely pass for 36 like he told me he was). It's the lie that bothers me and the fact that he should have realized I would have eventually found out if things became serious. And the fact that he thought it would bother me..

June 11, 2016

You're right- you'll never know what he will lie about. I also figure that anyone who lies to get you into a relationship or into bed is just a fraud, so I'd end it.

June 13, 2016

Would you have dated him if he told you he was 46?

If it doesn't matter to you then it doesn't seem like a problem but the fact you asked and are thinking about ending it says it is a problem for you. You just need to tell him you don't see things working out and not have to reveal how you found his lie.

What matters here is that he lied. That shows a lot about his personality. Yeah, maybe that's the only lie about him, but maybe there are many more she has yet to find out. And if there's a relationship, how could she know when he's telling the truth or not?

Personally I'd be insecure in a relationship like that. If I were you, I'd get out of it before it gets serious or something. And you should mention that you found out his age. Say it wasn't on purpose; regardless it will look bad on him, not on you.

June 13, 2016

anyone that asks me how old i am gets lied to.

June 13, 2016

Gosh, this one is a little bit tricky:

and while I generally despise the idea of lying about something like that, I sorta wonder if the part where "the fact that he's 46 doesn't bother (you) at all" just might trump his having lied, on this one topic.

Ultimately, in romance, it should be your top priority to best pave the way for your own happiness. And IF you can envision yourself extremely happy and content when bonded with this man long-term, then you might do best to give him a pass on this one.

He is probably in-awe of having drawn your romantic attention, at any rate, and from having been around you at work, he knew he wanted to do as much as possible to (make it seeeeeeeeem most likely that you would maintain interest).

I do not endorse people lying about their age, yet I know that lots of people do so. I just can't envision that future moment when one must fess-up to the lie, to be worth enduring for whatever small satisfaction one gets from having told the lie in the first place.

Eventually you tell this person that you ("knew his true age all along"), and/but that if he ever tells you another significant lie, you won't look back...

Maybe you need not leap into action with the info you have learned, perhaps you hold-on to it as you might a "Get out of Jail Free" card, for future use.

(just think of some of the many potential scenarios wherein you might use that secret to your advantage down the line)

Hopefully, you will finally reveal that you knew all along, at a point when the two of you are looking back at a long period of happiness shared together.

June 13, 2016

Which begs the question: What else had he lied about? Is there a wife somewhere? Children?

June 14, 2016

Good Lord...

Some of the witch hunting that goes on around here is absolutely laughable.

So he told you he was 36? Maybe he thought that if you knew his real age you would have bolted before even getting to know him.

Want to know what kind of man he is? Flat out tell him you found out how old he is, and see what kind of reaction you get. If he starts skating around the issue, then bolt. If he tells you it was because he thought you would shy away from him, then accept it. Tell him he does not ever have to lie to you about anything. Give him a mulligan. If he lies again, then walk.

June 15, 2016

Want to know what kind of man he is? Flat out tell him you found out how old he is, and see what kind of reaction you get. If he starts skating around the issue, then bolt. If he tells you it was because he thought you would shy away from him, then accept it. Tell him he does not ever have to lie to you about anything. Give him a mulligan. If he lies again, then walk.

I would agree with this advice. Just tell him straight out what you know and how you found out. You didn't do anything wrong. If he tries to accuse you of snooping or invasion of privacy or whatever then just walk away. The only acceptable response is as above, "yeah you got me, I lied because I thought it would put you off. I'm sorry."

June 18, 2016

It's actually fairly easy - dump him and don't tell him why. Give some vague reason. The guy is a liar, not someone to trust.

June 18, 2016

Wow! Ten years!

Good character, integrity, and honesty are important to me in a dating partner. Lying by ten years is pretty brazen. People reveal very early on in a dating who they really are. I'm a firm believer in heeding that rather than excusing away what they do. For me, lying that significantly would be a deal breaker. Trust is at the very core of any healthy, stable relationship. The first independent piece of information you get about him reveals that he lies and is untrustworthy. In your shoes, I would simply say that I didn't see things working out between us and move on. If pressed, I would say, I don't see us as compatible.

But that's me and what matters to me. No one can tell you what to do. You have to figure out what you want in a partner, and what is acceptable to you.

June 18, 2016

I'd be more worried that if you confront him, he will accuse you of violating his employee confidentiality as opposed to his age. If it were me, that would be my first thought. I wouldn't buy the "just happened to see it" argument and I doubt he will either.

And even with you changing jobs, there's still the potential for huuuuuuge problems and liability concerns.

June 18, 2016

If you are under 30 he lied because he didn't think you would give him a chance otherwise most likely. Find an excuse to see his drivers license picture, make a joke of it...gauge his reaction.

June 18, 2016

I've been dating someone new for only a few weeks, but we have really hit it off and have grown close in a short amount of time. We actually work together (he started working at my company in February of this year) but we are in two different departments. I put in my two weeks notice recently (not because of him) and so if we continue to date, working together will no longer be an issue.

The issue is that I found out he lied to me about his age. We were discussing age about a week ago and he told me he was 36. I work in the HR department of my company and one of my duties is that I file all paperwork for employees. While I was filing the other day, I needed to pull his folder to file a document and I noticed a form he had filled out. I took a glance and noticed his age.. 46. I felt uncomfortable not just because he had lied to me about his age by 10 years, but because of the way I had to find out.

I have had multiple chances to bring this up to him, but I just don't know how. He will most likely feel violated when I explain to him how I made the discovery, but I truly was not snooping and looking for information. I can't help that it is my job to file paperwork for employees and happened to see his age. This is a really sticky, sensitive situation and I am unsure of how to handle it. He has been nothing short of incredible to me and I feel a great deal for him already. However, even though this is a trivial thing to lie about, it is still a lie and it makes me wonder what else he's capable of lying about. I am torn and don't know what to do or how to approach this. Thoughts?

Thank you for reading.

Tell him your dad found out about your relationship and you are only 16 years old... now that should set the universe right again

June 18, 2016

You're right- you'll never know what he will lie about. I also figure that anyone who lies to get you into a relationship or into bed is just a fraud, so I'd end it.

I've found from personal experience this is true. My ex and I were together for 2 and half years. In the beginning he lied about his age...he said he was 31..he was 35. I wouldnt have cared he was 4 years older...whats 4 years. Anyway he ended up lying to me about many many things the entire time we were together. Pretty sure he cheated too. It was my fault for staying as long as I did or even continuing to date him after I realized he lied to me about his age.

Its the lying thats the troubling part...not necessarily his real age. And I dont think his lie was that small either....he stretched the truth by ten years...thats not a small number

Lying in the beginning of a relationship sets it off to a bad start. Liars are liars and they dont change their spots

June 18, 2016

OK, first up, are you certain he lied? I've said my age sometimes and people mishear somehow (not sure why, 30 and 40 don't really sounds the same, but I've had it happen. I only know if they repeat it back to me)

Lying in any form is not a good thing, and should be rightly frowned upon, but the fact is that we all lie every day - mostly we don't even realise it.

Lying about age is a medium level lie I think - it's bad but maybe understandable, in that he probably thought if he said his true age you would not be interested.

I would bring it up, casually, and see what he says.

If his answer seems reasonablw, I'd just think of it as a small red flag to be aware of

Edited June 18, 2016 by joseb

June 18, 2016

some people (All people?) have serious psychological issues with their age. For them, their age is a very intimate thing and they don't want to share it (Not only because of dating reasons).

But the world we live in forces them to tell their age, and they feel violated. So they will lie about their age to protect their privacy. Lying about age is not a regular lie.

The only thing that bothers me is that he lied by 10 years!!! How did he actually think he can get away with it?

Next time just ask him for his real age. he must confront his fears on that matter.

Edited June 18, 2016 by lolablue17

June 18, 2016

I didn't read the above responses, so I'll just offer my own input.

Many people are self conscious about their age. Women routinely lie about it, but we dont castigate them. Why are you doing it to this guy?

Dont get me wrong, it sucks having to learn hes 10 years older than he was. That being said, how serious is the relationship? (sorry if i didnt fully read your post). How long have you been seeing him? If its a new relationship, I'd try to relax a bit, and then casually bring it up to him in a way that gets HIM to admit it without you really having to bait it out of him. Maybe you could slip in something aobut liking older men, and that might be his chance. He might not reveal it immediately, but he'll warm up to the idea.

And no, just beacuse he lied about his age doesnt mean he'll lie about everyting else in his life as some other posters insinuated. That being said, wouldnt hurt to do a bit of due dilligence on him (if hes married, etc)

These are just my 2 cents, I'm 28 and believe it or not im self conscious about my age too. Silly as it is. so i understand where hes coming from

June 18, 2016

[]

op its not he lied about his family. its just age for gods sakes. if I was 10 years older than a women I liked I would lie too out of fear that she might shy away

Edited June 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 18, 2016

I'm going to assume this guy is pretty smart and understands that someone that works in the HR department has access to a lot of his personal info.

He probably lied at first because he really liked you and didn't want to risk losing your interest then he either felt guilty about it and is waiting until he feels like he can tell you the truth with less risk of you leaving him or he's convinced himself that it's not a big deal and not worth rocking the boat over.

If it's eating away at you then bring it up casually and observe his reaction. Since everything else seems to be going great, I assume he'll be apologetic or at least admit that it was pretty dumb. Its definitely a red flag to take note of but I don't think it's a big enough deal to stop seeing someone over if he is at least somewhat remorseful.

If he says he feels violated or you invaded his privacy then the guy is a joke and probably not worth seeing anymore. He doesn't have basic conflict resolution skills and doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions. Saying you violated him is deflecting and trying to make you feel like you're the one who's not trustworthy.

June 18, 2016

The fact that he's 46 doesn't bother me at all. I should have mentioned in the post that I'm nearing 30 years old. He looks and acts much younger than 46 (he could definitely pass for 36 like he told me he was). It's the lie that bothers me and the fact that he should have realized I would have eventually found out if things became serious. And the fact that he thought it would bother me..

LOL. Another middle-aged man lying about his age to hook himself a youngin'. So pitiful.

So he out and out LIED to you in order to increase his chances with a much younger woman. He's really nothing more than a a con man and an opportunist.

I've had guys lie to me about their age too. One fool told me he was 52 and I found out he was actually 64 - but he "felt that since he only LOOKS 52, that's what he tells everybody." My ass he looked 52. He was booted immediately.

This guy is a damned idiot if he knows you work in HR and he STILL pulled this crap. So that makes him a stupid con man and opportunist.

June 18, 2016

[]

op its not he lied about his family. its just age for gods sakes. if I was 10 years older than a women I liked I would lie too out of fear that she might shy away

Unreal.

So in essence, your selfishness in getting what YOU want trumps what HER personal boundaries might be with respect to dating.

Such is the credo of the con man, I guess.

Edited June 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 18, 2016

anyone that asks me how old i am gets lied to.

See, this is how it works... a woman is entitled to lie about her age. It's understood. But when a man does the exact same thing... they tell you to bobbitize him. Pffft.

Here's how you handle it. You don't need to tell him how you found out, or even that you know. Just ask him again - straight up while looking him in the eye. Make it sound like you suspect he might be older but don't say that you know. See if he lies again or comes clean on it. I bet he'll come clean. Anybody with a brain in their head knows they can't hide it indefinitely. If he tells the truth then give him a pass and tell him not to ever lie to you. If he doubles down, eh well, then you've got a disingenuous guy on your hands, and you know what the solution for that is.

I started a thread on her a few years ago about dating a woman who was older than her profile stated by about 6-7 years. The advice was to give her a break and not worry about it. Turns out she was something of a nutcase, so it didn't go any further, but the advice was overwhelmingly that I should not judge too harshly. I think the same applies here.

June 18, 2016

I understand the lying about age by a few years to get into a "more desirable age group" on OLD, as the a strict age guidelines can be pretty rigid and who really cares if you are 28 or 31, 36 or 34, 49 or 53 etc.

I even understand people who never want to disclose their age as who cares really?

BUT here this guy who she works with lied to her face and took a massive 10 years off his real age. Wow!

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He lied to me about his age.

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