ktragers Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 I've recently established a relationship with a guy and we are in the honeymoon phase where everything seems great. However, I just went on a trip abroad for work a few days ago and I'll be gone for a month. Athough I have enough faith in us that we will go through this month with the distance okay, I can't help but wonder that our relationship status is still new and delicate, and I'm not sure if I really know him that well to completely trust him. He's definitely a good guy and I trust that he'd made mature decisions most of the time, but I also know that he's very private and doesn't have many friends - in fact, he sometimes goes to meetup events or social sports clubs just to meet people and make friends. There's this girl that he's told me about who's kind of the only close friend he has in the area. I don't know how they got to know each other or how long they have been friends, but for some reason now it worries me a little because I feel like there has to be some sort of attraction going on there, or he wouldn't have been close to her in the first place, given his personality. My intuition tells me that they met through a meetup event and clicked because of mutual interests and such. They text a lot and he's also dogsat for her before. He's very quick to share with her random and interesting stuff he sees that she might like. Truth be told, he's never really given me a legit reason to question his friendship with her because I feel like if he really liked her more, he wouldn't have been with me now. But I also know that he's dated someone he met at a meetup event in the past, and a lot of single people go to those functions in the hopes of finding dates. Now that I'm gone for a month, I'm sure he's relying on her to keep him company. He's already told me in an email that they are going out of the city to tour a brewery together this weekend. The email also came around 3 a.m. his time, which is very unusual for him, and it got me concerned too. I don't know this girl at all and have never met her either so I don't know their story, and I worry that something might happen there. Granted, I'll admit that I'm not the most self assured person in the world and I've had a boyfriend in the past who was super close to a female friend that got me really jealous. So I think there's some residual issues here with me. But I think women's gut feelings are protective and most of the time right too.
DreamP Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 If he had something going with this girl, he wouldn't be telling you about it nor messaging you about it at 3am. He would have to be an idiot to be cheating and then immediately text his girlfriend that late. You are over thinking it. 3
Author ktragers Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 If he had something going with this girl, he wouldn't be telling you about it nor messaging you about it at 3am. He would have to be an idiot to be cheating and then immediately text his girlfriend that late. You are over thinking it. Yeah, maybe. However I've noticed that he's starting to get back on the dating site on which we met. Ever since we established the relationship he hadn't been online at all, and now after me being gone for a week or so he's already getting lonely" and possibly chatting and meeting up with girls again. He's still in touch with me and all sweet and attentive, but I'm worried that he's going to make a fool out of me when I'm away. We both agreed before I left that we trusted each other, but now I'm doubting that...
DreamP Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Yeah, maybe. However I've noticed that he's starting to get back on the dating site on which we met. Ever since we established the relationship he hadn't been online at all, and now after me being gone for a week or so he's already getting lonely" and possibly chatting and meeting up with girls again. He's still in touch with me and all sweet and attentive, but I'm worried that he's going to make a fool out of me when I'm away. We both agreed before I left that we trusted each other, but now I'm doubting that... Have you guys discussed exclusivity? If so, then going back to the dating site is not acceptable. Talk to him about it. It may be nothing. I like to often peruse the craigslist hookup site. It makes for great entertainment reading.
kendahke Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 If you can't trust him or if you doubt him, why are you in a relationship with him? If you reject what he says and believe a different truth is afoot, then leave the relationship. Find a guy whose word you feel can be trusted. Fact is: you can't stop him from meeting other women unless you put him in a jail cell. In his everyday life, he's going to run into women--some he may talk to. There's nothing you can do nor worrying can do to stop it. You already say you don't trust him, so what hope does this relationship really have when you've already kneecapped it? 4
smackie9 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I don't see an issue here TBH. If there was anything to go on, it would have happened before he met you and he wouldn't be seeing you at all. Sounds to me they just enjoy each others company,.... I think that's ok. I would be concerned if he was out at clubs with his buddies. Doesn't sound to me he's like some ladies man. Why not suggest you all get together for drinks, and meet this girl. 2
Author ktragers Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 I don't see an issue here TBH. If there was anything to go on, it would have happened before he met you and he wouldn't be seeing you at all. Sounds to me they just enjoy each others company,.... I think that's ok. I would be concerned if he was out at clubs with his buddies. Doesn't sound to me he's like some ladies man. Why not suggest you all get together for drinks, and meet this girl. Makes sense. I finally did mention that I'd like to meet some people in his life, and he said this girl and his family are pretty much the only ones since he didn't have any other friends in the area, and he's okay with us doing something together this week or next, so we'll see how that goes. I also eventually got some facts about this girl out of him, and I was correct in that they did meet at an meetup event about a year ago, and been keeping in touch ever since. The girl has been separate with her husband for over a year now and has recently finalized the divorce. They talk about relationship stuff a lot and she's shared some details about her marriage/divorce with him that she doesn't share with a lot of people. I never asked if they'd ever dated but I don't doubt that there was some attraction on both or either part when they first met, and maybe the fact that she was going through a divorce then put a stop to them exploring any possibilities of a romantic connection at the moment, so a friendship became the alternate option.
Author ktragers Posted July 13, 2016 Author Posted July 13, 2016 If you can't trust him or if you doubt him, why are you in a relationship with him? If you reject what he says and believe a different truth is afoot, then leave the relationship. Find a guy whose word you feel can be trusted. Fact is: you can't stop him from meeting other women unless you put him in a jail cell. In his everyday life, he's going to run into women--some he may talk to. There's nothing you can do nor worrying can do to stop it. You already say you don't trust him, so what hope does this relationship really have when you've already kneecapped it? I definitely understand all that. Just feel like it's easier said than done. I usually calm myself by thinking of how I got to know my guy friends and how those friendships are developed and maintained, and it helps me put things into perspective I trust him in that he's a good person and is sensitive and mature enough to respect me and our relationship. I'm also okay with my boyfriend having female friends as long as the friendships are in the open. I guess it's just the fact that this girl is his ONLY friend and also there might be romantic intentions when they first met bothers me.
O'Malley Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 I'd take a casual approach towards the situation. You were in the getting acquainted stages and he's again browsing on the dating site. An active profile is a reflection of intent. Enjoy your trip, don't be tied to your phone and be open to meeting other guys.
MissBee Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 I definitely understand all that. Just feel like it's easier said than done. I usually calm myself by thinking of how I got to know my guy friends and how those friendships are developed and maintained, and it helps me put things into perspective I trust him in that he's a good person and is sensitive and mature enough to respect me and our relationship. I'm also okay with my boyfriend having female friends as long as the friendships are in the open. I guess it's just the fact that this girl is his ONLY friend and also there might be romantic intentions when they first met bothers me. To be honest, him only having one friend in the world may be a bigger red flag than any fear he's cheating. 3
kendahke Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 I definitely understand all that. Just feel like it's easier said than done. Actually, it's easier done than said. Doing something about it settles the issue so you can move on. Talking/complaining doesn't do anything to resolve the problem and keeps you mired in place. I'm also okay with my boyfriend having female friends as long as the friendships are in the open. I guess it's just the fact that this girl is his ONLY friend and also there might be romantic intentions when they first met bothers me. There is nothing you can do to change the past. If they did have romantic intentions in the past, what exactly can you do to erase that? You can't spin the earth backwards for him to have a re-do---that's even if he wanted a re-do in the first place.
kendahke Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 To be honest, him only having one friend in the world may be a bigger red flag than any fear he's cheating. From OP's post #7: he said this girl and his family are pretty much the only ones since he didn't have any other friends in the area,
Maggie888 Posted July 13, 2016 Posted July 13, 2016 Well Im in the minority I guess and not a fan of 1) the fact he is on the dating site still; and 2) the fact his close friend is a female he recently met going through a divorce Probably 1) above is the more alarming factor. Id just keep things calm for now, keep your expectations in check and discuss it when you get back. I dont believe in blindly trusting a person you just met. I believe in trusting and keeping an eye open and verifying if necessary. It doesnt make sense to me this "find someone you trust to be in a relationship with". There are thousands of people with "trustworthy" partners who find themselves cheated on. If there are red flags, act on them. if there arent then proceed but always check to see if actions matches words. Trust is built over time and even then can never be 100% in my eyes at least
phineas Posted July 14, 2016 Posted July 14, 2016 Yeah, maybe. However I've noticed that he's starting to get back on the dating site on which we met. Ever since we established the relationship he hadn't been online at all, and now after me being gone for a week or so he's already getting lonely" and possibly chatting and meeting up with girls again. He's still in touch with me and all sweet and attentive, but I'm worried that he's going to make a fool out of me when I'm away. We both agreed before I left that we trusted each other, but now I'm doubting that... YOU are on the site also. Otherwise you wouldn't know he was on the site. just saying. However, i'd downgrade any woman to FWB's if I found out she was back on the dating site when we were supposed to be together. But, go with your gut. I have a few female friends i was friends with before I slept with them. Neither of us would cheat or even hang out alone if the other was with someone and we keep it VERY respectful and don't even flirt. We are friends because we do hold some values and we have an attraction but recognize it would be a train wreck if we tried to date so we don't. Yes if we are both alone sex MAY happen but mostly we just hang out and wing for each other.
Author ktragers Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 From OP's post #7: True. He said he gradually lost touch with his college friends who all live in other parts of the country. He moved to the current city for work four years ago and has been having trouble making friends - he's fairly isolated at work and is not in a team environment or working with any folks closely so there aren't any colleagues he hangs out with outside of work. He tries to attend meetup events or join social clubs but no substantial friendships have been developed from those areas except with this girl. He's dated people he met online or through social events but they all fizzled out after a while.
Author ktragers Posted July 18, 2016 Author Posted July 18, 2016 YOU are on the site also. Otherwise you wouldn't know he was on the site. just saying. However, i'd downgrade any woman to FWB's if I found out she was back on the dating site when we were supposed to be together. But, go with your gut. I have a few female friends i was friends with before I slept with them. Neither of us would cheat or even hang out alone if the other was with someone and we keep it VERY respectful and don't even flirt. We are friends because we do hold some values and we have an attraction but recognize it would be a train wreck if we tried to date so we don't. Yes if we are both alone sex MAY happen but mostly we just hang out and wing for each other. That's right ... I'm not sure if anything has happened between them before but I'm sure the sexual tension would be there if they were alone together somewhere. I finally met the girl and she's definitely pretty and flirty but mostly respectful. He said that she's kind of a diva and also a bit older than him, and he usually dates girls younger or his own age, so I guess he recognizes that they are not a good fit despite the sexual attraction.
Recommended Posts