chad Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 hello, first off i just wanna say that i found this site via google, and have read many interesting things within the threads, but as always, everyones break up is different, and somehow they just dont relate to what your going through. i would like to ask some advice if possible, and would really appreciate any comments - positive or negative. ok, i will try and make this brief, after 5 years of being with my fiancee, she has told me its over, and that she doesnt love me like `that` anymore. things have been tough for the last couple of months, due to me not paying her enough attention, and her going out all the time, which in turn lead me to think she was seeing someone else, which in turn made me jealous etc. between us we have 3 children living at home all under 11. one of them is mine from a previous relationship, who i got custody of, but my son and my fiancee really dont get along, and never have, this has brought a strain on our relationship. all along she wanted me to move in with her, she wanted to have another child with me, i moved in with her about 1 year ago, and rented my flat out (apartment). i also felt that this was the woman that i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, we got engaged, and we both wanted to try for another child. like i said previously, the last 2 months have been a nightmare, and when she said to me last week it was over, i was devastated, i felt suicidal, i couldnt eat and i lost 2 stone in weight, things improved tho, i gave up with the begging for another chance, crying all the time, and we started to talk, and things were going really well, she wants to remain friends with me, and also still go away with me shortly, however, in the last 24 hours things took a decidedly bad turn for the worse, i found out that she had been back on the pill for the last 2 months (which she decided not to tell me) i was told that she had been seeing a guy where she works, (which she totally denies) - this has left me feeling empty. this woman is the reason i get up in the morning, and i cannot forgive myself for the last 2 months that i have totally neglected her and taken her for granted. i am finally moving out in 1 weeks time back to my apartment, she repeatedly tells me that she wants to be friends. is it over? is there any chance of a repair? should i stay friends? any advice i would really appreciate. i am at my lowest i have ever been. thankyou.
miss-gonewest Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Chad I feel for you! Ouch, what a mess... Firstly, you will be OK. I know that sounds really blase, but you will survive. You just have to sort through this mess and take each hour as it comes. As for whether it really is over - I don't know. Stranger things have happened. I personally think moving out will be the best thing for both of you. You will be lonely but you will also have some time to put your thoughts into order. She on the other hand will have a chance to see the void that you will leave when you go, and she may appreciate you. As for you not appreciating her for the last few months - are you sure this is the case? Or are you making excuses for her? You may need to give us a bit more background on this and the last 2 months.... I think the first issue you need to address is the one of having a child together. The breakup and the supposed affair, may be her rebelling to this commitment... she may not have been ready but was too scared to speak up. Sometimes people will deflect attention from the real problem, by creating a diversion. If she felt pressured about having a child (obviously as she was hiding the fact she was still taking the pill) then that may well have been the catalyst for the nightmare 2 months you mention. And what's the go with this other bloke? Do you believe her when she says there is nothing in it? She may well just have been speaking with him and talking through her anxieties... I don't know, again maybe elaborate a little more for us? With regards to your son, I can't help you much.... I can only see things from his POV as that was me once - my stepfather came along when I was 7/8 and he never liked me either (still doesn't). That said he married my mother and they had a 20 year marriage, despite me and the strain it put on their relationship. It was a huge strain though, I can see that now - and if she isn't ready for that kind of stress, then maybe she isn't the one for you. Your son has to be your priority though - you are all he has and he needs to know that you love him. Make sure you give him a big cuddle and let him know that this isn't his fault? Kids are clever - he will be sad for you too right now. Post anytime with your thoughts - and remember, you feel low now, but sometimes things can't get any worse.
mizraim Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 feel sorry for you but hey there is still light even after a broken heart..
dresden Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 I completely empathize with you and every emotion you are going through. I am going through all the same feelings myself (I am the person who posted "Is my husband having an affair and what do I do?"). I know everything will get better in time but it's so hard riding the roller coaster, isn't it?
Author chad Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 well as far as i know, its my fault for this current situation. i was far too interested in playing games on the console instead of spending time with her, i stopped doing things around the house, basically she was doing everything. she has told me this is what has made her stop loving me. the current `rumor` that she has been seeing somebody else, she has totally denied, and said it isnt true, i do not have any reasons at all to doubt her word, but the problem is know, because we have been `talking` so much recently, she has become run down, upset all the time, and depressed. and i feel like it is all my fault. the problem is, this rumor... apparently she was seeing this guy she works with a couple of months ago (notice the tie in?) which is when she started going out a lot, going to the gym, always looking so nice when going out. she told me she was only going to see her friends because i wasnt showing any interest in her. so all this, including a complete lack of sex, her going back on the pill, going out all the time, going to the gym, sunbeds etc, lack of any kind of emotional intimacy, also makes me question the fact is she really telling me the truth why it is over? im scared of finding out in a couple of weeks that its all been true, she has been seeing someone else, and being made to look a complete fool again. (my ex-wife cheated on me) the baby thing, it was her who wanted the baby and for me to move in and for us to get married all the way. which is why this is all such a shock to me, that in the last 2 weeks, 5 years has just been chucked away. and she said it was because i wasnt showing her any attention, and she just ended up falling out of love with me. see now i dont understand that, because i cant see how you can just `fall` out of love with someone after 5 years and baby/marriage plans? or am i odd? i find myself torn in half, im going to miss her 2 boys really badly, their father died and they never even knew him, i am the only other male person they have got to look up to, and i have treated them as my own, despite having great difficulties with one of them, we finally got over that. i dont know what to do. am i right to believe her when she says that she has never cheated on me? or am i being a fool for believing her? is there any hope for this relationship? i dont know. i like to think that perhaps in the future when she has sorted herself out, as long as we stay friends perhaps we could retry? i know this is what i want, i love her more than life itself. im so confused.... 2 weeks ago... my whole life ended.
JustDumpedHim Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Wanna get her back? Then pick yourself up and be strong. The best thing you can do is give her space and not act so depressed and needy. Be a grown up. You made mistakes - tell her and apologize, then leave it at that and tell her you understand how she feels. Be there for her, be kind but give her room. Both of you need a breather to sort out your feelings. The more room you give her without being pitiful and suicidal - the more you have a chance of her coming back to try again.
SoleMate Posted July 26, 2005 Posted July 26, 2005 Please Google for "marriage builders" and learn how to make deposits in your account in her Love Bank. That is what makes love strong and keeps it growing. Yes, if you do not fulfill important emotional needs for your gf/fiancee over a long period of time, she will eventually stop loving you. You're confused about the "suddenness" of her decision - but is it true that there was no warning? Did she ask you to stop gaming so much, do your share around the house, and show her affection? Did she let you know she was dissatisfied? Probably...but you had not been paying much attention for quite a while, and thought you could keep getting away with giving her very little. Look at it from her POV - what would keep her there? What is she getting? The feeling of being loved and appreciated, shown in ACTIONS and not just cheap empty words? Or is she just getting a pile of your laundry, plus the load of her not-so-good r/s with your son all on her shoulders? Her r/s with your son is definitely a big part of this. I would expect you, his bioparent, to take the lead in understanding and working out problems, based on the Polciy of Joint Agreement ("marriage builders" again). There is hope, but I question, based on what you have said, whether you are willing to do what it takes to make this r/s work.
Author chad Posted July 26, 2005 Author Posted July 26, 2005 wow thanks for the reply! it has moved on a little, see my post in `second chances` forum.
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