I like my friend but he doesn't know and I don't want to miss my chance

[sparkle222]

so for the past few years, i’ve been a bit preoccupied with my ex, (which this forum has been pretty helpful for dealing with). i’ve gone no-contact from my ex which has actually put in perspective how toxic our friendship (let alone relationship) was and how much better some of my other friendships are. i think partly i hung onto my ex out of nostalgia for what he used to be like, but also because i was too lazy/afraid to look at other friends.

 

in particular, i have one friend—“Tom”—whom I met shortly after my ex and I first properly broke up. We definitely clicked, but at the time I was an emotional mess, and he was in a long-term (4 year+) relationship, so i never saw him as anything more than a friend. He was a very good and supportive friend though and actually really helped at that time. We met because we were both interning for (and got offers for) the same graduate program. However, he deferred for six months to go travelling with his then-girlfriend, so I started 6 months earlier than he did. We’ve stayed in contact over this time.

 

I started the graduate program and have made a great group of friends that I hang out with daily. I saw him when he started too and he’s also made a (much smaller) group of friends in his (much smaller) intake. All of his friends are girls—which doesn't surprise me because he’s always been much better at getting along with girls than with guys. We still get meals together from time to time and have inside jokes/long chats every time we bump into each other, but it’s a bit disappointing that we can’t spend more time together given that we’re now in different friendship groups or ‘cliques’. I still feel we click better than I do with friends I spend much more time with. He told me a month or two ago that his long-term girlfriend broke up with him recently. I was really surprised and I can’t help admit that some subconscious thoughts about him surfaced (but I didn't say anything—didn’t think it was appropriate). I know he’s also been really stressed about adjusting to the program and wanting to prove himself etc.

 

Recently I noticed there’s one girl in his small intake group he seems really close with and whom he hangs out with a lot. Normally this wouldn't bother me (esp since most him friends are girls) but for some reason over the past few days I’ve started to feel a kind of pang when I see them together. I haven’t actually felt this way in a long while. When I actually think about dating again (not just getting with a guy) he’s the one my mind goes to. I don’t want to feel like being passive led me to miss my chance, especially since this is the one chance I’ve had with him being single…but I don’t know how to approach it. I’m friendly and can be cutesy-flirty but not very forward (at all) when it comes to actually making stuff happen (honestly I have so many walls) and I don’t think he has a clue I feel this way. There are also other things holding me back—the fact that we’re working for the same company (not against any rules but potentially awkward), the fact that since we’re in different friendship groups so we don’t go on nights out together (the easiest place to bring up this kind of stuff haha--most of my guy friends are pretty passive unless they've had some dutch courage), the fact that I sort of feel he would make the first move if he wanted to, the fact that he might not be ready or fully over his ex or actually like this other girl he spends so much time with, etc.

 

What do I do? Should I do anything? I do often say 'oh let's get drinks etc' (and he often suggests it too, basically every time I see him) but the plans either fall through due to work conflicts or stay totally platonic.. am I friend zoned?

[darkmoon]

what do you think he wants for himself? you need to figure him out, I have not even met him, and do he and her meet outside work?

Edited June 12, 2016 by darkmoon