katiegrl Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Hey guys... just wondering how you feel about family gatherings, say a wedding for example. My situation is my step sister's son (whom I know by barely) is getting married in August, and my SS, who NEVER liked me, constantly trashed me to our siblings, whom I haven't seen or heard from since April 2014 when our dad died, and NEVER saw or heard from even before that, has invited me. The wedding is 20 miles away, I don't have a car (I live in the city and don't need one), my brother who was also invited lives in L.A. and since she (my SS) said parking is limited and recommended everyone Uber or taxi, will be driving down on his motorcycle and so can't pick me up. Round trip the cab is approx $150 dollars- $3.00 per mile).... I don't have a smart phone (no comments please...lol) so Uber is out. Regardless of that though, I really have no desire to go since like I said she never liked me, and was always trashing me to our siblings, never calls or texts (despite my making several attempts to reach out to her over the years).... so was wondering since she IS family, am I obligated to go? I won't even know anyone other than the one brother she invited who knowing him may not even show up. I know SHE won't be spending any time talking to me or introducing me, so I would be pretty much on my own among a bunch of strangers I have never met. Frankly, since she can't stand me and has made no bones about that, I am wondering why she even invited me. So what do you think? Am I obligated to go because I am "family"? Thanks guys!
Art_Critic Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 It sounds like you don't want to go, IMO... you are not obligated to go, you said it yourself that it has been years with no contact. I'd stay away, now.. if you feel guilty about not going then there might be more there than it seems thru your post.. What does your Brother say about it ? 1
thefooloftheyear Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Will there be other people/family at the wedding that you would enjoy seeing or reconnecting with? If so, it may be worth it to go for that reason alone.. If not, just send a gift and politely say you had another commitment.. My .02 anyway... TFY 1
Author katiegrl Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 It sounds like you don't want to go, IMO... you are not obligated to go, you said it yourself that it has been years with no contact. I'd stay away, now.. if you feel guilty about not going then there might be more there than it seems thru your post.. What does your Brother say about it ? Thanks AC! Yes I would feel guilty if I didn't go, which is why I am asking -- if I should feel guilty about not going, given the situation as I described it. I even feel a little pissed off since like I said (and I am not exaggerating) the way she has trashed me to our siblings for YEARS, hasn't reached out or communicated despite my effort to communicate with her. My brother is so cool, he said same as you, if I don't want to go, don't go! That I am not obligated to go cuz she's family (barely) since there has been ZERO communication for YEARS. So he is cool about it, hell HE may not even go. Unlike me though, he doesn't stress about this stuff... lol
Author katiegrl Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 Will there be other people/family at the wedding that you would enjoy seeing or reconnecting with? If so, it may be worth it to go for that reason alone.. If not, just send a gift and politely say you had another commitment.. My .02 anyway... TFY No TFY, other than my one brother whom she has also invited (I have five brothers but she only invited him), and as I said, knowing him HE may not even show. Other than him, no I won't know a single soul!
TheFinalWord Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 Hey guys... just wondering how you feel about family gatherings, say a wedding for example. My situation is my step sister's son (whom I know by barely) is getting married in August, and my SS, who NEVER liked me, constantly trashed me to our siblings, whom I haven't seen or heard from since April 2014 when our dad died, and NEVER saw or heard from even before that, has invited me. The wedding is 20 miles away, I don't have a car (I live in the city and don't need one), my brother who was also invited lives in L.A. and since she (my SS) said parking is limited and recommended everyone Uber or taxi, will be driving down on his motorcycle and so can't pick me up. Round trip the cab is approx $150 dollars- $3.00 per mile).... I don't have a smart phone (no comments please...lol) so Uber is out. Regardless of that though, I really have no desire to go since like I said she never liked me, and was always trashing me to our siblings, never calls or texts (despite my making several attempts to reach out to her over the years).... so was wondering since she IS family, am I obligated to go? I won't even know anyone other than the one brother she invited who knowing him may not even show up. I know SHE won't be spending any time talking to me or introducing me, so I would be pretty much on my own among a bunch of strangers I have never met. Frankly, since she can't stand me and has made no bones about that, I am wondering why she even invited me. So what do you think? Am I obligated to go because I am "family"? Thanks guys! Yikes, that's a rough one. I would say no, but I know there is a lot of pressure with weddings. Personally, I wouldn't feel any pressure to go, but I know every family situation can be different. One possibility is you could not go, but send a wedding gift. That way you are acknowledging the wedding, but don't have to put yourself in an awkward social setting. 2
Poutrew Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 The only reason she invited you is for the gift. She seriously doesn't expect you to actually go, but she is hoping for some money or a nice doo dad for her son. Because this is family, no matter how tenuous, I'd check mark the 'sorry can't make it to the wonderful ceremony' box and include a 25 dollar savings bond, which you can buy for around $15. Do this for the inevitable baby announcement as well - you might want to get 2 of them...just don't send them both at the same time 1
Buddhist Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 My situation is my step sister's son (whom I know by barely) is getting married in August, and my SS, who NEVER liked me, haven't seen or heard from since April 2014 when our dad died, and NEVER saw or heard from even before that, has invited me. I really have no desire to go since like I said she never liked me, am I obligated to go? If that were me I'd be throwing the invitation in the bin and forgetting about it. As far as I'm concerned you're only family if you make the effort to maintain a relationship with me. Other than that, I've got better things to do. She probably sent you an invitation just to make up the numbers and show off what a great wedding her son has blah, blah, blah. I'm sure there will be plenty of other people there to keep her company. 1
SammySammy Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 I think you were invited because you are "family", but primarily because they want a gift. With that said, I would go. Be cordial, gracious and have a nice gift for the couple. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person. As Gandhi said "be the change you wish to see in the world". Even if they never change, let them see nothing less than class and dignity in you. 3
Shining One Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 I think you should go only if you actually want to go. It sounds like you don't want to go, so there is your answer. When I was single, I went to just about every wedding I was invited to. Now, I'm more selective and would only go to the weddings of people I'm close with. 1
Author katiegrl Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 Thanks guys! Yah gonna pass.... and go with the card and $25 check deal. No guilt! You guys are awesome, feel much better now, tnx again!
jen1447 Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 I assume it was "katiegirl and guest?" I would have taken a date and enjoyed the dinner and left the reception fairly early and hit a couple bars on the way back.
xxoo Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 She was obligated to invite you because you are family. You don't want to go, and she probably doesn't want you there. Send your regrets. Gift is optional, but a nice thing to do for the kid. 1
Author katiegrl Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) I assume it was "katiegirl and guest?" I would have taken a date and enjoyed the dinner and left the reception fairly early and hit a couple bars on the way back. Not dating anyone at the moment jen..... my choice. Dinner is a lunch buffet outside in La Jolla. Sweater and hat were recommended. And no parking, which means forking out $150 for cab to/from. If we were close or she had not trashed me and treated me like crap all these years, I might consider it. But under the circumstances, no thanks...... Edited June 11, 2016 by katiegrl
Author katiegrl Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 On a positive note my brother is getting married today! That should be fun!
thefooloftheyear Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 If you are gonna send only $25.00, then you prob shouldn't send a gift at all....It's gonna make you look horrible or that you are deliberately trying to insult them..... Just sayin' TFY 1
Author katiegrl Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 She was obligated to invite you because you are family. You don't want to go, and she probably doesn't want you there. Send your regrets. Gift is optional, but a nice thing to do for the kid. No doubt. For a second I actually thought she may be trying to make amends and wanted to be friends. I then came to my senses... she just felt obligated and wants to wrack up the numbers.
xxoo Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 No doubt. For a second I actually thought she may be trying to make amends and wanted to be friends. I then came to my senses... she just felt obligated and wants to wrack up the numbers. I doubt she wants to rack up numbers. Fewer people means less money. Do both of you a favor and send your regrets early.
Author katiegrl Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) If you are gonna send only $25.00, then you prob shouldn't send a gift at all....It's gonna make you look horrible or that you are deliberately trying to insult them..... Just sayin' TFY I wasn't sure how much to send. What do you think? $100? Serious question. Normally I would buy a gift not give money, so not sure what is appropriate. Edited June 11, 2016 by katiegrl
thefooloftheyear Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 I wasn't sure how much to send. What do you think? $100? For me....yep... Close family and friends, more, but something like what you are talking about, Id think that(100) would be appropriate under the conditions.. The old rule of thumb is that you have to at least cover your head...So, lets say the wedding costs were 75/person, then if you went with a date, then 150 would be the minimum....You may not know the exact cost, but you can get a good idea just from the type of place its at, live band or dj, etc... I think many people don't realize that a a couple starting out really could use the money....We've all been there at one time..maybe 20 grand isnt a lot of money anymore, but a young couple starting out, it helps.. Disclaimer....I know there are people out there that are really tight on money and cant afford it....Understandable...You give what you can, then... TFY
losangelena Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 If you had a car, my answer may be different, but that's a serious hindrance, especially in Southern California (though, there is the Surfliner train, though I don't know if that goes to la jolla). Get him something from his registry and be done with it. No muss, no fuss. 2
Author katiegrl Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) If you had a car, my answer may be different, but that's a serious hindrance, especially in Southern California (though, there is the Surfliner train, though I don't know if that goes to la jolla). Get him something from his registry and be done with it. No muss, no fuss. Thank you for understanding la, knew you would get that since you are also without car. And there is no train into La Jolla.. well maybe the coaster not sure if it stops there. And just to clarify, the lunch is a buffet. Not a sit down dinner, ie. $75 per person. It is at the bride's aunts home ... in her backyard. No registry or anything like that, it is very informal. Edited June 11, 2016 by katiegrl
Gloria25 Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 Did you RVSP? If you did, then maybe you have to go - cuz they reserved that seat and plate of food for you when they could have given it to someone else. If you didn't RVSP, send a card and a gift and stay home.
Gloria25 Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 I wasn't sure how much to send. What do you think? $100? Serious question. Normally I would buy a gift not give money, so not sure what is appropriate. Don't they have a registry? If they did, hopefully they picked a variety of gifts (expensive, not so expensive) to accommodate the financial means of the people who wanna gift them. My fav podcaster was talking about how she was impressed on her son and daughter-in-law's care to others who were going to come to the wedding. They literally went to a department store (not those expensive bridal stores) and picked out bridesmaid dresses that literally were on sale and had additional discounts - and, because they were not actually bridesmaids dresses (they were evening gowns) the people who were going to be the bridesmaids could re-use/sell them. I like people like that, they are more about sharing the moment (their unity as man/wife) rather than imposing their fairytale of expensive dress, event, and/or gifts on people who they expect to attend the wedding and/or send them gifts. So, if on their wedding registry they got nothing but expensive crap, then send them a card and who cares what they think. How rude it is for them to impose upon others...IMO.
Author katiegrl Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 Did you RVSP? If you did, then maybe you have to go - cuz they reserved that seat and plate of food for you when they could have given it to someone else. If you didn't RVSP, send a card and a gift and stay home. Hi Gloria. Thank but pls read my post right before yours ... no. 23. It's an outdoor buffet, at the bride's aunt's home. Not a formal sit down. No registry, it is very casual. But to answer your question, she called me and invited me before invites were emailed out, sort of put me on the spot so I initially said yes. But after thinking about it, and with everyone's great input. ... I will change my yes to no. And send card with money order.
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