Raina314 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 (edited) I'm happy to be posting here instead of coping for once. I think, after a bad breakup 7 months ago, I'd like to get back out there. Unfortunately, even though I'm only 22, I don't have too many opportunities to meet people irl, so I've decided to try online dating. The only problem is I keep coming at it mentally with this really resigned, defeated, and ashamed attitude. I feel embarrassed to set up a profile because I have this dumb stigma in my head telling me that this is a last resort cuz I failed in my previous endeavors and now I have to step down a level and get "help" from apps. But I don't want to look at it like that. I'd hate to go on a date with anyone who had that kind of attitude myself. I'm not even afraid people won't like me - that's never been an issue. It's more of this fear that I won't like any of them because I'll also judge them as desperate rejects, along with myself before giving anyone a fair shot. I also hate rejecting people. The last time I rejectead a guy who wanted to go out with me I was sad for like, a week cuz I just felt so damn guilty, so I'm afraid of that aspect as well. Does anyone have any advice for coming at this with a more positive attitude? And how to handle guilt associated with rejecting people? Or really just best practices in general, since I'm entirely new at this. Any help appreciated:) Edited June 10, 2016 by Raina314
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 First, you need to dispense with the stigma because these days, online dating is just how most people meet for a number of reason not the least of which is time and accessibility. Second, my three greatest pieces of advice for OLD is (1) navigate with a healthy sense of humor, you're gonna needs it, (2) trust no one until you can, Catfish was coined for a reason (3) grow thick skin. Other than that, HAVE FUN! 3
Toodaloo Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Right. If you want a relationship not just a shag; 1. OLD is a tool use it as such. 2. You do not owe any body anything 3. Write a good profile, pick out a few decent pictures and do not have a load of selfies 4. Ignore spam type messages such as "hey", "whats up" etc 5. Ignore any messages that are sexual 6. Ignore any messages from guys who post a load of selfies or who have not bothered to write a decent profile 7. Ignore any blokes who ask for more pictures (you are not for use during their "special sock time) 8. If its a Friday night be very careful who you speak to. Chances are they are logging on because they are bored and not out with their mates 9. Keep going out with your friends and keep up your hobbies and pass times 10. Be honest 11. Be tough 12. Be realistic 13. If you feel uncomfortable in anyway just walk away. Do not be pushed into meeting people you do not want to 14. Meet sooner rather than later and do not get embroiled in lengthy chats and messaging sessions that go no where. 15. If it seems like they are not all that interested chances are that they are not. Cut them loose and do not get hung up on a fantasy. I could go on. These stand for the boys and girls out there embarking on OLD... It can work. It does work. But you also get a heck of a lot of nut jobs and weirdos that you have to sift through and deal with so you need a hide like a rhino and guts and determination. Stick with us as we will all be happy to help you through it as you go! Good Luck OP! 6
kendahke Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I'd stick to real life to find someone if you have a better estimation of their characters that way. But as far as online goes, hey, if you don't like someone, you don't owe them anything. You're not obligated to give them a relationship on their terms alone as if you have no input in where you invest your time, emotions and psyche. If they're sad because things didn't work out, then they'll get over it and move on. That's not your responsibility or obligation. In the meantime, you might want to work on your judging people due to the manner you're both using to meet one another. That's not a cute look no matter what you're doing.
gimlynick Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 As someone who has had a relation thx to tinder I can tell you: go for it! Some tips: - Be yourself! If you are not, sooner or later you will date and well... It will be very obvious who you are if you are meeting face to face - If someone doen't reply for multiple days, and you know they have been online in that period, that person isn't interested - Do not chat multiple weeks without asking for a date - I allways try to get a conversation as soon as the match is there. If the conversation turns out into something else then bull****ting, I ask to ad eachother on whatsapp. From there on it's easier to stay in touch with eachother. So basically for me: If the girl does not show interest after 1 chat session of +/- 20 minutes, it means that she isn't interested at all. If she is she will also start chatting from herself. It's not only the male who has to keep the conversation going. Good luck, there is a lot of nice people out there
iphone_user1 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 9. Keep going out with your friends and keep up your hobbies and pass times Wise advice. That will save you from a huge suffering wondering stage. 1
Author Raina314 Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 Thanks guys. I do know that online dating is a very common thing now for all kinds of people and it's not just for the desperate. I'll do my best to continually remind myself of that and hopefully once I start actually meeting people it'll really sink in. I've just been in a kind of pessimistic slump since my breakup but I really am trying to move beyond that. Right. If you want a relationship not just a shag; 1. OLD is a tool use it as such. 2. You do not owe any body anything 3. Write a good profile, pick out a few decent pictures and do not have a load of selfies 4. Ignore spam type messages such as "hey", "whats up" etc 5. Ignore any messages that are sexual 6. Ignore any messages from guys who post a load of selfies or who have not bothered to write a decent profile 7. Ignore any blokes who ask for more pictures (you are not for use during their "special sock time) 8. If its a Friday night be very careful who you speak to. Chances are they are logging on because they are bored and not out with their mates 9. Keep going out with your friends and keep up your hobbies and pass times 10. Be honest 11. Be tough 12. Be realistic 13. If you feel uncomfortable in anyway just walk away. Do not be pushed into meeting people you do not want to 14. Meet sooner rather than later and do not get embroiled in lengthy chats and messaging sessions that go no where. 15. If it seems like they are not all that interested chances are that they are not. Cut them loose and do not get hung up on a fantasy. I could go on. These stand for the boys and girls out there embarking on OLD... It can work. It does work. But you also get a heck of a lot of nut jobs and weirdos that you have to sift through and deal with so you need a hide like a rhino and guts and determination. Stick with us as we will all be happy to help you through it as you go! Good Luck OP! Thanks Toodaloo! That was actually really helpful. I never even thought of some of that stuff and will most definitely keep that all in mind. Another question, perhaps more for women but guys can answer too - what percentage of messages would you say end up being from creeps who just want to get in your pants? And what percentage are legit?
steppero Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 As someone who has been using these sites on and off for a long long time like oasis, POF, eharmony etc etc, they are ALL a waste of time and effort. Most people on those things are not genuine, and from my experience the females on those things are looking for nothing more than attention, and to see how many profile views they get to stroke their fragile egos. Save yourself the troubles and don't do it. 1
4x4storm Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 From a guys point of view best advice I can give is 1.Be realistic with the hobbies /interests you put on your profile. I have been on countless dates with girls who claim to love movies but when I quiz them on it they have no clue. 2.Just because a guy looks cute/hot doesn't mean he isn't crazy girls tell me all the time how 90% of guys they meet are insane. 3. Never let them pick you up no matter how much you talk online! meet at a public place and go from there. 2
Tressugar Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 Get used to a lot of false starts and rejection. Don't take it personal. It has nothing to do with you as a person. Watch ppl's action and behaviors. This will indicate who you're dealing with. Don't accept any pictures that they are twenty feet from the camera and wearing sunglasses.
lbjanieb Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 I'm happy to be posting here instead of coping for once. I think, after a bad breakup 7 months ago, I'd like to get back out there. Unfortunately, even though I'm only 22, I don't have too many opportunities to meet people irl, so I've decided to try online dating. The only problem is I keep coming at it mentally with this really resigned, defeated, and ashamed attitude. I feel embarrassed to set up a profile because I have this dumb stigma in my head telling me that this is a last resort cuz I failed in my previous endeavors and now I have to step down a level and get "help" from apps. But I don't want to look at it like that. I'd hate to go on a date with anyone who had that kind of attitude myself. I'm not even afraid people won't like me - that's never been an issue. It's more of this fear that I won't like any of them because I'll also judge them as desperate rejects, along with myself before giving anyone a fair shot. I also hate rejecting people. The last time I rejectead a guy who wanted to go out with me I was sad for like, a week cuz I just felt so damn guilty, so I'm afraid of that aspect as well. Does anyone have any advice for coming at this with a more positive attitude? And how to handle guilt associated with rejecting people? Or really just best practices in general, since I'm entirely new at this. Any help appreciated:) I feel ya because I've never enjoyed that aspect either (feeling bad at not being into someone). I can't really give you online dating tips because I'm not doing it. Though I know plenty of people who have done it successfully and have ended up happily married. I'm going to suggest going on MeetUp. You can find groups with similar interests (painting, dog training, wine tasting, learning a language, book clubs, and way more) and develop friendships that may or may not turn into something more. That way the focus is on the activity rather than the pressure of 'do you like me? do i like you?' Wishing you success! 1
Toodaloo Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Another question, perhaps more for women but guys can answer too - what percentage of messages would you say end up being from creeps who just want to get in your pants? And what percentage are legit? Honey even the legit ones will want to get into your pants! Its natural!!! I have found it goes in waves. You get waves of creeps then a wave of good ones. You know the old adage about men being like busses? Well its true as much in OLD as in real life. The real trick is not to let it wear you down or get to you. Just let the weirdos and creeps roll off your back like a duck in water. Concentrate on the better guys. You will meet all sorts. Guys looking for some form of validation who want to text and send you pictures so you can say "Oh what a handsome fellow you are". You get the ones who send penis pics. Yes they actually think women want to see their penis before they have even met! Weird thing is that some women actually do and they like this? I know - strange world. You get guys who think they should date you because you are pretty and smart and all that but they actually do not have all that much interest in you. You get the guys who put you on pedal stools and who go all out mad at trying to wooo you then get fed up when they do. You get guys who make up this little image in their heads about who you are and what you are like based on a few words and pictures then when they meet you they discover that you are human and whooooaaaa they didn't know they would be dating a human being!!!!! You get guys fresh out of relationships that are just not ready. You get guys who think they should date but really they shouldn't. As for the guilt. You can scrap that right now. You have nothing to feel guilty about when you turn a guy down. You can be firm and polite with out being nasty. There are just so many people out there and so many personalities, its impossible to write a list that long... Trick is to find one that suits you. Its not easy no matter how you do it. But do not fret. There is someone for everyone. Keep in touch and we will help you through. It takes a while to get the hang of it and to be able to notice the signs. But they are there. The signs are always there. 2
kendahke Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 As someone who has been using these sites on and off for a long long time like oasis, POF, eharmony etc etc, they are ALL a waste of time and effort. Most people on those things are not genuine, and from my experience the females on those things are looking for nothing more than attention, and to see how many profile views they get to stroke their fragile egos. Save yourself the troubles and don't do it. I've had the exact same experience with men, so it isn't just in the purview of women--lots of people do this because people join dating sites for different reasons and they don't owe you attention if you're not their preference just because you have interest in them. It's just like in real life--it being electronic doesn't change that fact of human nature.
Cherryz Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Tips: DONT ! You are very young. At this age you should be more outside and going to activities in your country with friends and socializing and making new friends. Because once you get older this can be more difficult. So now is time to make as much friends as possible. Beside i think thats the best way to meet people and get to know people. As for the rejecting people part, you need to learn how to deal with it faster. Because if you dont know how to say no you will hurt yourself alot and others. Try not to get close to people early. And read dating books about how to say no in a nice but firm way. Dont give people false hope or invest rigth away emotionally in people who are not your bf.
Cherryz Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 It doesnt look like the best way to date or meet people for serious relationships. You can meet some nice people im sure but also many creeps and also its a easy way for bad people to meet their victims. And specially at your age you dont have enough life experience to notice stuff right away. But for anyone i think this are good tips: -start always careful dont give personal information right away.(facebook, where you work exactly, and so on.). -have a voice/chat to see who it is when his profile looks interesting. - dont add many picture and naked ones or in swimming clothes. just few nice ones. -be clear what you looking for. - dont meet at homes or dark ,lonely places. meet only at day light and at open social places where there are many people. (no bars or movie theaters, but restaurants and so on)at your age you can also bring a friend with you - let your friends and family know you have a date and with who and where. - let all the first personal meetings be in your city or at places that you know well. - if you see its a creep or not what you looking for end it in a clear and assertive way and move on. - dont let him drive you home or anywhere. -dont be afraid to google the person rigth away or soon. Know that you dealing with strangers and you dont know them after few chats and weeks/months. Dont be naive.
Author Raina314 Posted July 15, 2016 Author Posted July 15, 2016 So, I've been on okc for about a month and there have been a couple guys I was interested in. Unfortunately, it seems that the ones I'm most interested in lose interest in me the fastest, even if they were the ones to message me first . I'm supposed to meet someone tomorrow but I feel meh about him at best. But he seems really excited so I don't wanna cancel on him. He told me he has a facial tic and if I cancel he's gonna think it's cuz of that and I don't wanna do that to someone. Idk, maybe I should just do meetups. I know a month isn't a very long time but I don't know what I'm doing wrong to make the guys I like lose interest. That's already happened like, 3 times and I often get this icky feeling that I'm being desperate even when I'm not initiating conversation or asking to meet. I'm not sure I like the vulnerability that comes with this.
SevenCity Posted July 15, 2016 Posted July 15, 2016 So, I've been on okc for about a month and there have been a couple guys I was interested in. Unfortunately, it seems that the ones I'm most interested in lose interest in me the fastest, even if they were the ones to message me first . I'm supposed to meet someone tomorrow but I feel meh about him at best. But he seems really excited so I don't wanna cancel on him. He told me he has a facial tic and if I cancel he's gonna think it's cuz of that and I don't wanna do that to someone. Idk, maybe I should just do meetups. I know a month isn't a very long time but I don't know what I'm doing wrong to make the guys I like lose interest. That's already happened like, 3 times and I often get this icky feeling that I'm being desperate even when I'm not initiating conversation or asking to meet. I'm not sure I like the vulnerability that comes with this. Going out on a date with someone you feel is "meh" is not doing them any favors - it is selfish and wasting their time.
longjohn Posted July 16, 2016 Posted July 16, 2016 Have you thought about the likes of Tinder just to get out there and meet a few ladies get your feet wet in the dating world. There's no stigma with OLD however be honest in your profile don't be too honest and of course be careful of the info you post e.g. where you work/school, what you drive etc and the same with pictures. Just in case you find the stalker type.. there's always one. As has been suggested always meet in a public place, be a gentleman let the lady choose, be careful if she wants you to pick her up at her place or insists on picking you up from your place.
Author Raina314 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 So, I didn't go on the date and decided that online dating wasn't for me. I'm not excited about anyone and I prefer getting to know people as friends first without the romantic pressure and expectations that inevitably come with a first date. It was just making me stressed, self conscious, and miserable. I think I'd rather just try meetups. Here's the problem, though. I told my counselor all this and she said I can't expect dating to work like it did for me in college where I could do the friends first thing and that I should take a step. She seemed disappointed that I didn't go on the date. I don't want to do OLD anymore. But I'm the patient here, so should I just listen to the expert and keep trying anyways? Thoughts?
Toodaloo Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 So, I didn't go on the date and decided that online dating wasn't for me. I'm not excited about anyone and I prefer getting to know people as friends first without the romantic pressure and expectations that inevitably come with a first date. It was just making me stressed, self conscious, and miserable. I think I'd rather just try meetups. Here's the problem, though. I told my counselor all this and she said I can't expect dating to work like it did for me in college where I could do the friends first thing and that I should take a step. She seemed disappointed that I didn't go on the date. I don't want to do OLD anymore. But I'm the patient here, so should I just listen to the expert and keep trying anyways? Thoughts? Your counsellor is right. It is very different. Unless you meet someone through a club or activity that you see each other regularly at as an adult you will not have the chances to get to know people prior to dating the way you did at school/ college. I think for you to make a success of it you need to get into a better mindset about it all. I think you should work on that mind set then try again.
Author Raina314 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 Your counsellor is right. It is very different. Unless you meet someone through a club or activity that you see each other regularly at as an adult you will not have the chances to get to know people prior to dating the way you did at school/ college. I think for you to make a success of it you need to get into a better mindset about it all. I think you should work on that mind set then try again. That's true, which is why I wanted to try meetups instead. People somehow found each other before online dating, right? Does the fact that I don't like it mean there's something wrong with me that I need to change?
Toodaloo Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 That's true, which is why I wanted to try meetups instead. People somehow found each other before online dating, right? Does the fact that I don't like it mean there's something wrong with me that I need to change? Nope - it actually means you are normal but sadly meeting people via the internet is also the norm these days...
Author Raina314 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 Nope - it actually means you are normal but sadly meeting people via the internet is also the norm these days... So would you say it's naive to hope I can meet someone through something like meetups at this point?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 I've had some success online. It can be very frustrating, so like others have said, be patient and be thick-skinned. As a lady, I would write a decent profile, but not too much. Contrary to so many women, there are some guys out there who like to read the profiles. My biggest advice is to be realistic about the whole process. You are and will be regarded as a single Hors d'oeuvre a la carte by potential suitors. AND, be prepared and aware that some/many of the guys will be dating others or looking at others to find that next BETTER match. Just be prepared...good luck!
Toodaloo Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 So would you say it's naive to hope I can meet someone through something like meetups at this point? No - but I would say it is naive to restrict yourself to using just one method of finding new friends and potentially a partner. Just take a break from it, make some friends, go out, have a laugh and enjoy yourself. At 22 dating should not be your main priority.
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