FTM042014 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I cannot for the life of me stop doing this. I'm not talking about a situation where you were cheated on and they left for someone else. I mean the next partner that comes right after you. In my case she was off with a new (ex from a while ago) bf just 2 months after dumping me. And a week after us briefly coming back together. I'm convinced that she thinks he's better than me. That she probably talked smack about me to him to make herself feel better for how she coldly left me. They've been together for almost a year now so I feel like she's getting it right with him and being a great gf for him because she sees him as better than me. It all wouldn't be so hard if she hadn't made me think she was so happy with me and wanted a long term relationship. I am finally on my way to being free from the pain but this is what really hurts still.
keiji Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 The fact that she prefers someone else doesn't diminish you in any way. I've only been dumped for someone else once in my life (as far as I know, of course) and the guy is taller, more handsome and well-off than me. Well, that's what I thought at least. Turns out those who have met him think he's incredibly boring and unattractive. And still my ex-wife chose him. Am I even more boring and unattractive then? Doesn't seem so. 1
smudge21 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Why are you still finding out about her life? What's next, wondering how her kid looks? Seriously, cut ALL contact and move on. I will honestly say that you're not over this one if finding out about her makes you feel down. It's only when you totally 100% no longer care that you are healed. So with that in mind, you do need to remove those final bits of contact. However, in answer to the actual question - I have seen ex's and their new guys (obviously long after I've healed and it no longer bothers me) and I do think "seriously... that's the best you could do..." - I don't consider myself some catch or anything like that, but I find it odd that they seem to downgrade instead of upgrade. But that said, just because some does or doesn't look better, doesn't mean they're not a better or worse person. Basically, don't judge how you are based on others actions. Just be yourself and say that it's their loss... and move on. 1
SixxChick Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I have seen ex's and their new guys (obviously long after I've healed and it no longer bothers me) and I do think "seriously... that's the best you could do..." - I don't consider myself some catch or anything like that, but I find it odd that they seem to downgrade instead of upgrade. Just be yourself and say that it's their loss... and move on. I know the feeling. It's like trading a diamond for a rock. When you are dealing with someone with low self esteem and depression (like my ex), it all makes sense that he's on to random seemingly skanky women. Yep ... their loss. You've got to move on. 2
Author FTM042014 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 Why are you still finding out about her life? What's next, wondering how her kid looks? Seriously, cut ALL contact and move on. I will honestly say that you're not over this one if finding out about her makes you feel down. It's only when you totally 100% no longer care that you are healed. So with that in mind, you do need to remove those final bits of contact. However, in answer to the actual question - I have seen ex's and their new guys (obviously long after I've healed and it no longer bothers me) and I do think "seriously... that's the best you could do..." - I don't consider myself some catch or anything like that, but I find it odd that they seem to downgrade instead of upgrade. But that said, just because some does or doesn't look better, doesn't mean they're not a better or worse person. Basically, don't judge how you are based on others actions. Just be yourself and say that it's their loss... and move on. Huh? We haven't been in contact since February and that was via email. Haven't seen or spoken to her in almost a year. Also, it happens quite often that people feel as though they've moved on until they see or hear about their ex with someone new. It can pull them back into, albeit not as bad as before.
Author FTM042014 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 The fact that she prefers someone else doesn't diminish you in any way. I've only been dumped for someone else once in my life (as far as I know, of course) and the guy is taller, more handsome and well-off than me. Well, that's what I thought at least. Turns out those who have met him think he's incredibly boring and unattractive. And still my ex-wife chose him. Am I even more boring and unattractive then? Doesn't seem so. Good points. It's tough because she moved on to him SO fast. It was insane how fast. So it just makes me question everything. And my ego (Freudian version) is a huge S.O.B.! It sounds immature but if she broke up with him and got with a new guy I'd feel a bit better. At least it's not the one right after me. Petty or not, here I come. I know. 1
contel3 Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) Good points. It's tough because she moved on to him SO fast. It was insane how fast. So it just makes me question everything. And my ego (Freudian version) is a huge S.O.B.! It sounds immature but if she broke up with him and got with a new guy I'd feel a bit better. At least it's not the one right after me. Petty or not, here I come. I know. Not petty at all:D I don't know if it will be of any help to you, but there were several things that helped me get over it: 1) the ex is probably not spending any time comparing you both. I know I don't when I'm in a new relationship.... and if I do I'm not over the last one. Even then, most of the time there's positives as well as negatives. You're the only one judging yourself. 2) If she stays with the guy, it doesn't say anything about you. People have personal preferences, but it doesn't say anything about you as a person. You may think the new guy is more good looking than you, others might not think so. I tend to find new partners more attractive right after I got dumped. Whenever I see them a few years later I don't understand why I was beating myself up about it. 3) This one only applies to bad relationships. You have to remember your ex is still the same person. I remember realising how pointless it was to beat myself up when I heard one of my exes call his new girlfriend names in public. Doesn't matter if they look good if they treat eachother like crap. 4) Enjoy yourself. Have fun. You'll stop caring about them. Edited June 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T 1
keiji Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 Good points. It's tough because she moved on to him SO fast. It was insane how fast. So it just makes me question everything. And my ego (Freudian version) is a huge S.O.B.! Apparently, her ego and self-esteem are a bit of a S.O.B too. People who chain a relationship after another usually do it to feed a self-esteem that's below minimum. 1
Author FTM042014 Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 I've been on two dates with the same person since she dumped me. Working on myself. As hard as I can take a breakup I've never been one to jump from woman to woman. I don't understand how people do that. I remember when we were still together. Out at a bar with my friend. A guy she used to date walked in and she immediately got weird. She suddenly had her hands all over me. Said she felt weird. I didnt think anything of it at the time. Because the way she explained it was they dated brief in the past and realized they weren't right for each other so became friends. He and I shook hands and he said he's heard a lot about me. I feel like if o ever see her with her bf out somewhere she'll be all over him in front me like that. I think she has a pattern of downplaying a relationship to the next guy.
Author FTM042014 Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) 3) This one only applies to bad relationships. You have to remember your ex is still the same person. I remember realising how pointless it was to beat myself up when I heard one of my exes call his new girlfriend names in public. Doesn't matter if they look good if they treat eachother like crap. . We were only together for 2 months and it was great. Of course it was because it was a honeymoon relationship. When she abruptly left it was a shock. I think of we hadn't gotten along or there was no chemistry it would be easier to swallow. Edited June 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
CDJ Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I cannot for the life of me stop doing this. I'm not talking about a situation where you were cheated on and they left for someone else. I mean the next partner that comes right after you. In my case she was off with a new (ex from a while ago) bf just 2 months after dumping me. And a week after us briefly coming back together. I was in a similar situation to you; my ex hooked up with someone just two weeks after our break-up (although it could well have begun much sooner). I found out because she invited me around to deliver her birthday presents and discovered he was in her bed! I'm convinced that she thinks he's better than me. That she probably talked smack about me to him to make herself feel better for how she coldly left me. Again, I've no doubt mine did the same thing. She probably told him I was at fault for turning up that day and then probably justified her behaviour by making me out to be some awful person. I'd actually forgotten at the time how she always said ****ty things to me about her previous exes. So, I know what you're going through, and it's natural, especially for guys. I read recently that because men are naturally quite competitive to some degree, they will compare themselves to their exes new partners and worry a lot about how much 'better' that new guy is. I was doing this despite previously (as in, before I met her) never being the type of person who compared myself to other people. A traumatic break-up can do that to you. For ages I would look at social media and other online things to see what he was like, and it was just torture seeing how 'successful' he was. Eventually I snapped out of it and remembered why I never gave a damn about such comparisons in the first place. The way you will do it will be different to how I did it, but for me it was this: If I'd hooked up with a girl who had invited her ex-boyfriend around on a pretense, allowing him to find the two of us in bed together, I wouldn't touch that girl again with a barge pole! The fact that he has happily and willingly entered a relationship with her despite this shows what a weak and desperate man he might be. Yes, there will be things that your exes new partner is better than you at. But there will also be things that you do far better. You need to meet someone who appreciates those qualities and stop wasting your time thinking about the girl who didn't appreciate what was good about you. 1
Author FTM042014 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 I was in a similar situation to you; my ex hooked up with someone just two weeks after our break-up (although it could well have begun much sooner). I found out because she invited me around to deliver her birthday presents and discovered he was in her bed! Again, I've no doubt mine did the same thing. She probably told him I was at fault for turning up that day and then probably justified her behaviour by making me out to be some awful person. I'd actually forgotten at the time how she always said ****ty things to me about her previous exes. So, I know what you're going through, and it's natural, especially for guys. I read recently that because men are naturally quite competitive to some degree, they will compare themselves to their exes new partners and worry a lot about how much 'better' that new guy is. I was doing this despite previously (as in, before I met her) never being the type of person who compared myself to other people. A traumatic break-up can do that to you. For ages I would look at social media and other online things to see what he was like, and it was just torture seeing how 'successful' he was. Eventually I snapped out of it and remembered why I never gave a damn about such comparisons in the first place. The way you will do it will be different to how I did it, but for me it was this: If I'd hooked up with a girl who had invited her ex-boyfriend around on a pretense, allowing him to find the two of us in bed together, I wouldn't touch that girl again with a barge pole! The fact that he has happily and willingly entered a relationship with her despite this shows what a weak and desperate man he might be. Yes, there will be things that your exes new partner is better than you at. But there will also be things that you do far better. You need to meet someone who appreciates those qualities and stop wasting your time thinking about the girl who didn't appreciate what was good about you. I definitely think that she sees him as a better man than me. Maybe it is a macho dude thing. The thought of it makes me sick.
sorano Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I definitely think that she sees him as a better man than me. Maybe it is a macho dude thing. The thought of it makes me sick. ok so you know what you do? Go find yourself the better one. Do not even stress what she thinks. Do not even compare yourself to him or to others. we are all human. nobody is special and nobody should be put on a pedestal. some people are never happy. I was told the whole fairy tale story. Blink of an eye, I was dropped and was told she was not happy. she went from hot to cold in literally a week. No signs whats so ever. so I know your pain. I know how you feel and it sucks. But do not get angry. Just give your used toys to the less fortunate. Thats how I see it now. 1
lana-banana Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I don't have any negative thoughts about my last boyfriend. My current boyfriend is the love of my life and I couldn't imagine being without him, but it's not like he inspires me to hate or ridicule my ex. I assure you we don't spend any time mocking him, When I think about my ex I just recognize he wasn't the right guy for me.
SixxChick Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) ok so you know what you do? Go find yourself the better one. Do not even stress what she thinks. Do not even compare yourself to him or to others. we are all human. nobody is special and nobody should be put on a pedestal. some people are never happy. I was told the whole fairy tale story. Blink of an eye, I was dropped and was told she was not happy. she went from hot to cold in literally a week. No signs whats so ever. so I know your pain. I know how you feel and it sucks. But do not get angry. Just give your used toys to the less fortunate. Thats how I see it now. sorano ... we are kindred spirits in this whole debacle. I was scratching my head trying to figure out why he would rather "chat" with a broke, single mother living in the desert rather than me. Me, who was there for him when no one else was. Not even his own family. But when I turned off the personal ATM, he was gone. It was a no-brainer that he used me. But it was the words. It was the words that he spoke to me. I listened to him, but he was a liar. I am now left with the residue and remainder which, to me, means something. I have to let that something go. That's the hardest part. I know you know what I mean. I hate him. And I really hate that I hate. Edited June 17, 2016 by SixxChick 1
toastytiger Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) Comparing and degrading yourself will do no good. I am struggling to stop comparing myself with my ex's new gf too. It's easier said than done! But here are some things that may help 1. If you are still in some sort of contact with them or looking at photos of them/him, stop. This will trigger the comparing instantly. Out of sight, out of mind. 2. While there are qualities you perceive about him that are "better" than you -- there are also qualities that are "worse" than you. The mind naturally judges and labels things as good and bad. What is a fact is that you two are different and there are things about you that make you incredibly unique and unlike him, which should be celebrated and owned. What do you enjoy about yourself? 3. What does it mean to be "macho" anyway?? If you're speaking physically, hit the gym. As a woman, I think of "macho" or healthy masculinity as internal qualities -- strength, courage, confidence, integrity. Those are all things that can be learned. And it takes all of those to move on from some lady who can't appreciate you 4. There is a way to look at jealousy that a psychologist shared with me once. They said that the qualities you are jealous of in someone else are actually qualities that you already have in yourself, just unrealized. That's why you are sensitive to these aspects in another person. So, in that sense, you have all these things that you are envious of within you already! They are just yet to be discovered or cultivated! Start focusing on you to expand what is already there Edited June 17, 2016 by toastytiger 1
Author FTM042014 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 I don't have any negative thoughts about my last boyfriend. My current boyfriend is the love of my life and I couldn't imagine being without him, but it's not like he inspires me to hate or ridicule my ex. I assure you we don't spend any time mocking him, When I think about my ex I just recognize he wasn't the right guy for me. This is all well and good. My issue is not that she is with him and not me on a vacuum. It's connected to the fact that she behaves in a manner and verbally gave signs that she saw me as you do your current bf. Then one day she dumped me randomly. Off to this guy 2 months later. So that's why I am having a hard time with the comparing. We all have every right to make decisions best for ourselves in terms of who is right for us or not. Just don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining. So if she is somewhere with her bf on cloud 9 thinking that I simply wasn't right for her...she should not have played that same game with me. If I wasn't right for her she should have acted accordingly.
Toodaloo Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 You are trying to compare a potato to an engine exhaust... Yes its that big a difference between people. Quit worrying about her and start worrying about you. Who gives a toss what a girl who goes rubber banding back to exes thinks? Chances are one day she will try and rubber band back to you and then what? You will have moved on anyway and will be dating a great girl because you learn from your mistakes... 1
stillafool Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 It could be that this guy is not better it's just that she learned from her past mistakes with you and is now a better gf. That happens. We are supposed to learn from past mistakes.
Author FTM042014 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to my thread. Sometimes you need to just let off steam and hear feedback. In general I'm light-years better. Focusing on myself. I'm doing a lot of new things, helping others too. This is still my bugaboo hanging around like that one dude at the office no one likes but you get stuck with him at the Holiday party. Just won't go away completely and doesn't catch a hint at all. I look forward to the day when I just don't care! Until then I try to not sugarcoat it and accept that she didn't follow through with me for whatever reason. I did NOTHING wrong and I was raised right so I'm a good guy and a great bf. She left and is with someone else. She does not want to be with me and that's it. I must live my life and do what makes me happy. She is no longer a part of that equation and that is hard but it's ok.
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