Justagal68 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Hi! I'm new here. Been lurking for a couple of days and I really need some perspective from an outside source because I'm very confused. This is going to be a little long so bear with me please. Back in October of last year, a man I was already mildly acquainted with and I started spending a lot of time together. For about a month and a half, we were talking daily over text (he is a self proclaimed text hater but he did it for me) and phone and he was at my house at least a couple of times a week. He'd show up at my job and hang out with me. We went out with a group of people a couple of times and once just the two of us. (I feel like I should say, in the spirit of complete disclosure, I asked him to come spend the day with me, not the other way around. But this man got in a car with me, not knowing where we were going or what we were doing with no hesitation or complaint and we had a great day). Nothing happened between us except a little snuggling on the couch once, not even any kissing. But the 'vibe' was there and there was no question in my mind that he liked me as much as I like him. People thought we were a couple. Then he stopped calling. He stopped coming around and while he still answered my texts, he didn't respond the same. He cancelled a few times when we did make plans and just stopped showing up. He just disappeared. I found out through a friend that he had gone into treatment for an issue he had with sleeping pills. (Let me stop right here and explain that he is NOT a recreational drug user. He has and has had very severe and chronic insomnia for which he was prescribed a strong medication. His body built up both a tolerance and an addiction to them. He started having issues and needing more and more and found he could not stop on his own. So is he an addict? I guess so, but he's not someone who was running wild shoving crap down his throat for the pleasure of getting high. Please let's not focus on that aspect of this post) He did not tell me he was going and my feelings were very hurt but I tried to be understanding. When he got home, he called me and came to visit me at work once. I admit I was still upset about him disappearing without a word and was a little aloof. He didn't call or text or come by again. I called to invite him to my birthday party a couple of weeks later, which he couldn't make. He asked if we could do something the next day. We made plans which he cancelled the next morning. I didn't talk to him again for three months. Three weeks ago, he called me and said he was starting to get out some (he's working the 12 steps) and wanted to know if we could get together with a group of friends. I said yes and we ended up planning it at my house because it's most suitable. He showed up an hour early. He stayed two hours after everyone left. But nothing happened and nothing was mentioned about 'us.' He volunteered to fix an electronics problem I was having and told me what parts to order. He left something at my house. When the parts came in, about three days later, I texted and said so and told him he had left his item there. We set up a time for him to come on a weekend. The next day, he called and asked if I was home so he could come by and pick up his item. I was not but my son was so I told him he could go by anyway. He showed up to fix my electronics, which took about two hours. He then stayed and ate supper with me and hung out for another SIX hours! We had a lovely evening. But again, nothing happened and not a word about intentions. The next day, I had a serious malfunction with the electronics at my job. Because it was a Sunday, I knew I could not call the people I usually call for such things. Because I knew he previously worked in the field, I texted him and asked if he knew of anyone I could get to come out and fix it on a Sunday. I did NOT ask or expect him to do so because I knew it would likely require special equipment he didn't have. I simply wanted a phone number of someone who might do it. A few minutes later, I looked up and there he was. He could not fix my problem because it required equipment he did not have but I thanked him for trying and gave him a hug. It was the most awkward hug I ever got. You know how people will pat you on the back because they really don't want to be hugging you? I haven't heard from him since then. It's been about five days. I haven't called or texted him either though. I am seriously confused by this man at this point. Part of me says he is working his way up to trying again, part of me says he's just wanting to be buddies. I don't trust myself because it's been so complicated for us. I'm afraid to mention anything myself for fear he's just being a friend and me making a fool of myself. But his actions are more than if expect of a friend. I can't get a read on the situation and I'm not sure what to do or think. Insight and advice welcome please!
Author Justagal68 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 I forgot to add- When he was at my house for those 8 hours, we were casually discussing a show that he fell behind on that I happen to have recorded. I suggested he come over sometime and catch up. He responded eagerly to that. I was thinking that I'd hear something from him and set a date for that. I haven't and I haven't initiated any contact since Sunday. Should I or should I wait for him?
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Instead of assuming and having strangers on the net only guess and put forward theories....why not have a conversation with him. It is the only way to have this settled and find out where you stand. Guys are not good initiators when it comes to expressing feelings or expectations, it will be up to you to do it.
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 BTW people who are in the 12 step program are urged to not get romantically involved for it will jeopardize their recovery. They need to focus on their treatment/counseling. 1
Author Justagal68 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 Instead of assuming and having strangers on the net only guess and put forward theories....why not have a conversation with him. It is the only way to have this settled and find out where you stand. Guys are not good initiators when it comes to expressing feelings or expectations, it will be up to you to do it. I know. That's the most logical thing to do. I just can't seem to bring myself to do it though. I guess I was hoping I could get either some unbiased encouragement or discouragement here. Trying to make myself a tad more confident, you know?
Author Justagal68 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 BTW people who are in the 12 step program are urged to not get romantically involved for it will jeopardize their recovery. They need to focus on their treatment/counseling. I do know this. Which is sort of why I'm confused. It seems like he wouldn't come around at all, much less spend 8 hours with me and come to my rescue at work if he was adhering to that 'rule' and yet I get no clear indicators of his intentions. So confusion. I really like the guy a lot. I don't want to make an idiot of myself or chase him off if all he wants is friendship. But I need to know which way to adjust my thinking to.
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 He is going through some stuff....maybe it would be best to let him do his recovery. Obviously he isn't in any mental or emotional state to take on a relationship at this time. Just remain friends and date other people. IMO you should never put yourself, your wants and needs on hold for someone.
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I think you should just come out and tell him so you know where you stand if it's eating at you this badly. Nothing will be gained if you keep harboring these feelings for him.
Grapesofwrath Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 [quote=Justagal68;6938253 I really like the guy a lot. I don't want to make an idiot of myself or chase him off if all he wants is friendship. But I need to know which way to adjust my thinking to. I agree that a conversation with him is the only real way to know. You can start with what you wrote above. It's honest and kind. I think you can say that you really enjoy his company, and you don't want to do anything that makes him uncomfortable around you. You also understand he is in recovery, and so this is a rough patch for him. You are wondering, though, if he shares any of your feelings. Doesn't mean he has to act on them, but some clarification from him would help you understand what you feel.
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 ^this. But, I don't think I would pursue him. He sounds like he has a lot of things he's dealing with and I would not want to get involved. Leave him to his recovery.
Author Justagal68 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 I agree that a conversation with him is the only real way to know. You can start with what you wrote above. It's honest and kind. I think you can say that you really enjoy his company, and you don't want to do anything that makes him uncomfortable around you. You also understand he is in recovery, and so this is a rough patch for him. You are wondering, though, if he shares any of your feelings. Doesn't mean he has to act on them, but some clarification from him would help you understand what you feel. I wish I could. I have tried a couple of times and simply can not bring myself to put myself out there like that. I know that would be the simplest way to solve my uncertainty. I guess my upbringing keeps kicking in and I hear my mother saying ' the man makes the first move. Never chase a guy.' Can't seem to get past it. I guess I was hoping for a couple of unbiased opinions to help me muster my courage or let it go. An unbiased mans opinion would be great. I've heard when men are lukewarm like his actions seem, it means not interested. But I've also heard it could mean he's waiting on me to do something. Confusion insues lol.
Author Justagal68 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 ^this. But, I don't think I would pursue him. He sounds like he has a lot of things he's dealing with and I would not want to get involved. Leave him to his recovery. That's probably wisest but my heart overrides logic on this.
Cinnamonstix Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Reading your post, I get why you'd be utterly confused. I feel like he either has some attraction to you or he is lonely and likes to feel useful and/or needed. Either way though, it sounds like he isn't in a good place to start something right now. If he's into you, it sounds like he knows this and is keeping his distance. That or he really does just want friendship with you. As long as it isn't painful to you or preventing you from meeting other people, I don't see any harm in continuing to hang out with him. But do make sure you're open to meeting other available men. I also subscribe to letting a man pursue because I am attracted to masculine energy. If this guy is Mr. Fix-It and likes to come to the rescue, he probably has masculine energy. So unless he is completely socially awkward when it comes to romance, he will make it happen when he's ready and if he's interested. 1
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