Looky Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 So I've been with this girl for a couple months now and usually everything is cool. I tend to be less trusting at times and I'm never vocal about it but this specific situation makes me think maybe I'm not just being crazy. My Girlfriend has a lot of guy friends and I'm currently in the process of coming to terms with that but this specific day some weird event happened that made me thing she is up to something foul or shes probably not as trustworthy as she seems to be. So a couple days ago my girlfriend had a problem she needed resolved and seeing how i currently live 3 hours away and don't have a car I can't just help her at anytime. She decided to call her boss who according to her was on his way and at this point everything is okay. Later on she tells me she is at her apartment with this other guy, who she also works with, making him food for helping her with her problem and at that point they are hanging out. She said her boss wasn't strong enough to help so her boss asked this other guy to tag along and help. I'm still fine at this point but that seemed off to me. (Side note: We were texting and I normally call her before I go to work at night. If any questions arise about how I know all this) Some time goes by he apparently leaves while I'm at work. I'm texting her asking why she's still awake and she says she's not tired and shes watching Netflix and so on. Normal slow text and an hour goes by of no response. This where I start to feel like ****s getting weird. My girlfriend calls me while I'm at work telling me that the same coworker/friend made a pass at her while they were watching Netflix. Let me remind you this friend left earlier and is back for some reason and it's passed 11. When She told me the entire story my questions were: Why did she never mention he was there while we were texting and she was telling me what she was doing? Why was she with him watching Netflix so late in the first place? Why is he there again? Has he ever hit on you before? There was so many things going through my head. She continued to tell me that she invited him back over after he left but didn't think he would come back and she didn't think to mention him because she didn't think it was that important. She also said he did hit on her before but she didn't expect it because he has a girlfriend and he hadn't made a move on her any previous times they hung out which is on occasion. I was pissed about this as you may or may not imagine. We discuss this and try and work it out and I was beginning to get over it because she apologized and promised not to do it again. As we were making up, I decide to ask more questions about it. That's when I asked the question that refueled the entire argument. "Have you ever slept with him before?" She said yes, a couple years back Now not only did she Invite him over to Netflix and chill late at night while not telling me after knowing he he's had an interest in her, she also slept with him at a previous time. Something she was going to keep to herself if I'd never asked. So we start arguing again and she tells me when they had sex he had a girlfriend still and she made moves on him sometime after he hit on her. This leaves her previous argument that she didn't expect him to hit on her while they were watching Netflix invalid because he'd already hit on her and they'd already had sex while he had a girlfriend. So now I'm questioning how the hell did she not expect him to hit on her now? Through all these secrets and lies, I'm confused about whether I should trust her or not. She did tell me he hit on her which was honest but she lied to me and was deceptive multiple times through out all of this. Her ability to hit on another woman's man and sleep with him without remorse concerns me too. She said she doesn't feel bad about it at all because its not her problem and he was going to cheat anyway whether she slept with him or not. Can anyone tell me am I over thinking this? Should I let this go or take all this as a sign of something bad to come? 1
PegNosePete Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 she lied to me and was deceptive multiple times For me that is a complete deal breaker. If you lie and deceive, you are shown the door. Do not pass go, do not collect £200. Especially after only a couple of months! If I were you I'd stop analysing it because you already have all the information you need. She is deceptive and lies to you. She also seems to have no moral values, sleeping with someone she knows has a girlfriend. I would let her go. You can do way better than this. 3
Gaeta Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 but she lied to me and was deceptive multiple times through out all of this. Her ability to hit on another woman's man and sleep with him without remorse concerns me too. Is she worth trusting? As per your story: NOI am surprised after all this you still think she may be worthy of your trust. 1
LoveIsMyReligion Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 You know what you have to do. Make it a clean break. It doesn't matter how good looking she may be, staying with someone like this will only drive you nuts in the long run. #BeenThereDoneThat Find yourself a girl who doesn't hang out with other guys 1 on 1 at her place at 11 o'clock at night. Preferably someone who lives closer to you. 1
kendahke Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 The problem is that you've got a girlfriend who needs male attention more than she feels she needs to open a can of "act right"; and you're not close enough to provide it on a consistent basis, so she's the type who will OK it with herself to do what she is doing because, to her way of thinking, you ain't there. Seriously, there are people who use this excuse to excuse their inappropriate behavior. 3
kgcolonel Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 The problem is that you've got a girlfriend who needs male attention more than she feels she needs to open a can of "act right"; and you're not close enough to provide it on a consistent basis, so she's the type who will OK it with herself to do what she is doing because, to her way of thinking, you ain't there. Seriously, there are people who use this excuse to excuse their inappropriate behavior. A most excellent read and post.....OP. Take notice!! 1
Justagal68 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 First of all, I'd never invite a guy I'd hooked up with in the past over to my house alone unless I thought I might want to hook up again. Second, I'm of the opinion a liar is a liar is a liar. I wouldn't stick around without a serious talk about the situation and feeling 100% positive she isn't playing you. 2
Author Looky Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 Thank you all for sharing what you had to say. I'll take it into consideration. She's actually my first girlfriend and she pushed for this relationship so it's hard for me to come to terms with it. I never had that puppy love 12 or 13 year old relationship (I'm 21). I've always been more of free spirit if you know what I mean. This is the main reason I was so confused. I didn't know if I was just being controlling or not. 1
Satu Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Thank you all for sharing what you had to say. I'll take it into consideration. She's actually my first girlfriend and she pushed for this relationship so it's hard for me to come to terms with it. I never had that puppy love 12 or 13 year old relationship (I'm 21). I've always been more of free spirit if you know what I mean. This is the main reason I was so confused. I didn't know if I was just being controlling or not. Generally speaking, if something has a feeling of 'wrongness' about it, there is something wrong. 2
joseb Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 She continued to tell me that she invited him back over after he left but didn't think he would come back and she didn't think to mention him because she didn't think it was that important. She also said he did hit on her before but she didn't expect it because he has a girlfriend and he hadn't made a move on her any previous times they hung out which is on occasion. .... She did tell me he hit on her which was honest but she lied to me and was deceptive multiple times through out all of this. Her ability to hit on another woman's man and sleep with him without remorse concerns me too. She said she doesn't feel bad about it at all because its not her problem and he was going to cheat anyway whether she slept with him or not. Can anyone tell me am I over thinking this? No you are not over thinking this. She is not girlfriend material. Who knows why she even told you at all - maybe she was trying to make you jealous, maybe they had sex so she felt bad and made up a less serious story. She has already demonstrated that she lies and changes story to suit. I would not trust her at all. Unless you just want casual sex (and then, make sure you use protection) I would end this. 1
spmh1017 Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 The minute you said "Lives 3 hours away" I bailed out the rest of the story. Thats an LDR in my opinion and they are built to fail.
TheBathWater Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) Dude, even just in the first paragraph or two you wrote, this reminds me SO much of my last girlfriend, and she was THE WORST girlfriend ever. Lots of guy friends, loves attention, very deceptive, etc... You are not overreacting. I would not continue to invest in this woman one minute longer, even if you're someone who hates being alone. You'll only feel worse if you stay with her. The bull***t that some women come up with makes my head spin. Women are incredibly intuitive and can sniff out when a guy is into them. She "didn't know" he was going to make a pass at her? She had him over late at night to watch Netflix? They've slept together before? Come on. She is awful, man. Let the next guy put up with it. You are not being controlling. I believe that many times guys get labeled as "jealous" when there is a GOOD reason to be, and the woman is not respecting the boundaries of the relationship. I've had a lot of girlfriends, and I only felt like the jealous type with some of them. In every instance that I did feel that way, there was a reason for it. And the relationship did not end well. You are heading for that same territory if you continue to see her. You're already halfway there. Edited June 11, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine 1
Author Looky Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) The minute you said "Lives 3 hours away" I bailed out the rest of the story. Thats an LDR in my opinion and they are built to fail. I'm in college so she lives 10 min from when I'm at school. I'm just away for the summer. I'd already told her that I forgive her because she "promised" not to do it again. We were both up for literally 18 hours talking about it on Face Time. I'm currently just waiting it out to see how shes acts and if she does anything else untrustworthy. I'll kick her. The only problem with me doing this is that I've already lost a lot of trust and I'm starting to see little things that aren't anything to worry about (according to my dad). We'll see how this works out for me and I'll let you guys know if you care enough. Edited June 11, 2016 by Looky
TheBathWater Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) I'm in college so she lives 10 min from when I'm at school. I'm just away for the summer. I'd already told her that I forgive her because she "promised" not to do it again. We were both up for literally 18 hours talking about it on Face Time. I'm currently just waiting it out to see how shes acts and if she does anything else untrustworthy. I'll kick her. The only problem with me doing this is that I've already lost a lot of trust and I'm starting to see little things that aren't anything to worry about (according to my dad). We'll see how this works out for me and I'll let you guys know if you care enough. The ex of mine I told you about - one time she went to the mall with a 'guy friend' to watch a movie and go lingerie shopping. When I gave her crap for it, and basically broke up with her, she - just like your girlfriend - promised me that she "would never do it again, and only wants to be with me." One month later she was setting up a coffee date behind my back with a guy who tried to pick her up at her workplace. She cheated on her boyfriend before me, and even before I knew that, she always gave me an anxious vibe...like I needed to keep an eye on her. It was not a good way to live. Girls like her (i.e. your girlfriend) have boundary issues, need constant validation/attention from men, find the temptation exciting, and will say whatever they have to to get their way. You said it yourself. You've already lost a lot of trust, and now you're going to be weary of her behavior. If a woman has good character, that part of you will be confident. She doesn't have character, and you already suspected that. It's only going to amplify. I know you said something about not being as experienced and wanting to keep her around, but I'm telling you you're going to be alone at some point without her anyway...and it's only going to be 10x worse if you stick around because this will happen again with her, and you will be kicking yourself in the butt for knowing it would while staying around. Of course, you're going to do whatever you want to do, and I truly hope it works out for you. But my own gut tells me that we'll be seeing the follow-up post to this one sooner than later and it won't be pretty. Good luck. Edited June 11, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine 1
kgcolonel Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 Hey, this is your decision and your life but as an objective observer....she didn't invite the co-worker / ex - fwb over to watch Netflix.....yes she told you about him coming over and on to her THIS TIME. All the discussion with her has done now is to let her know that at least until you come back to school, she will need to take this underground. She has already proven that she's not trustworthy. I would bet you that if (and that's a big if) she didn't sleep with him that night, she did everything else....I really hate to tell you this but it's pretty clear from your description. So what was her explanation as to why she was so slow to text you back that evening? According to your account, it was an hour that went by....just curious how she explained this. Listen, I get it....you really like her alot. You want to believe her and that she's being honest. Give her a chance, ask her the real questions that are keeping you up at night and see how she responds. 1
Author Looky Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 The ex of mine I told you about - one time she went to the mall with a 'guy friend' to watch a movie and go lingerie shopping. When I gave her crap for it, and basically broke up with her, she - just like your girlfriend - promised me that she "would never do it again, and only wants to be with me." One month later she was setting up a coffee date behind my back with a guy who tried to pick her up at her workplace. She cheated on her boyfriend before me, and even before I knew that, she always gave me an anxious vibe...like I needed to keep an eye on her. It was not a good way to live. Girls like her (i.e. your girlfriend) have boundary issues, need constant validation/attention from men, find the temptation exciting, and will say whatever they have to to get their way. You said it yourself. You've already lost a lot of trust, and now you're going to be weary of her behavior. If a woman has good character, that part of you will be confident. She doesn't have character, and you already suspected that. It's only going to amplify. I know you said something about not being as experienced and wanting to keep her around, but I'm telling you you're going to be alone at some point without her anyway...and it's only going to be 10x worse if you stick around because this will happen again with her, and you will be kicking yourself in the butt for knowing it would while staying around. Of course, you're going to do whatever you want to do, and I truly hope it works out for you. But my own gut tells me that we'll be seeing the follow-up post to this one sooner than later and it won't be pretty. Good luck. How did you find out about the the coffee date and her cheating on her boyfriend before you? I get the feeling if she were to lie to me again she would be much better at hiding it the second time around. I don't think she's just gonna hand it to me on a silver platter like she did now.
Author Looky Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 I would bet you that if (and that's a big if) she didn't sleep with him that night, she did everything else....I really hate to tell you this but it's pretty clear from your description. So what was her explanation as to why she was so slow to text you back that evening? According to your account, it was an hour that went by....just curious how she explained this. I texted her she should get some sleep because shed been complaining that she'd been tired all day. Then the texts stop for an hour a hour. She texts me telling me that she needed to tell me something and asks when my break is. I tell her and on my break she told me the story. during the story she told me that she was nervous to tell me because she didn't know how I'd react and so she waited. I'd assumed that accounted for the hour but that was probably dumb of me.
TheBathWater Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) How did you find out about the the coffee date and her cheating on her boyfriend before you? I get the feeling if she were to lie to me again she would be much better at hiding it the second time around. I don't think she's just gonna hand it to me on a silver platter like she did now. I just had a hunch she was the cheating type, so a couple of weeks into dating her I casually found a way to ask her if she ever cheated before. She told me her most recent ex of two years is who she cheated on, and she never told him. She claimed she told me because she wanted to be honest and saw a future with me, but my alert bell was already going off, so I kept an eye out. I am pretty sure that just before we broke up she had sex with someone else. I can't explain it, but when you have sex with your woman, you can just sense when another man has been there earlier that day. I do believe it is likely she cheated on me and never told me. I found out about the coffee date because I was going to break up with her anyway (due to similar issues with 'guy friends', plus she was just really not a good girlfriend at all). Since I told her we were done, I figured I had nothing to lose, so I asked her to see her phone. First text message on there was her flirting with this guy who tried to pick her up and they were arranging a date. Real nice, huh? If I wouldn't have broken up with her or asked to see her phone, she would have went right out with him. I'm glad I dumped her. And for good measure, I contacted her ex via facebook and told him all about her cheating ways and how his gut was right too but he never got to hear it from her (*raises pinky to lip Dr. Evil style*). She didn't hand anything to you on a silver platter. It sounds like you had to pull information out of her, and even then, the story changed and more things came out along the way. It doesn't sound like you got the whole truth. I think she might have had sex with him, but none of us can say for sure. I really think you are setting yourself up here for a bigger hurt than you realize. It really takes a toll on a man's confidence when he stays in a situation he knows is bad for him and loses eventually. Be very careful. Edited June 11, 2016 by TunaInTheBrine 1
joseb Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 She didn't hand anything to you on a silver platter. It sounds like you had to pull information out of her, and even then, the story changed and more things came out along the way. It doesn't sound like you got the whole truth. I think she might have had sex with him, but none of us can say for sure. I really think you are setting yourself up here for a bigger hurt than you realize. It really takes a toll on a man's confidence when he stays in a situation he knows is bad for him and loses eventually. Be very careful. Read the bolded OP. Very true. I too find her not very believable. I really wouldn't be pursuing this as any kind of committed relationship, I don't think she is.
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