trueluV Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Hello, I don't know who to talk to about this... so i'm writing here. I don't know what i should do now...or what i should do in this situation. My b.f. and I have been together for about 5 years and recently, we've been having a lot of quarrels and have hurt each other. it starts out as nothing serious but eventually it turns out to something more, and now he doesn't think he can take it anymore, and even took his word back for getting married with me. To me, it feels like a rejection and somewhat humiliation, but somehow i cannot leave him. Him either, he cannot leave me completely. i told him we both need to put effort if we want to stay together, but he hasn't replied to that. i feel like we both don't want to break up, but don't know what to do. i don't know if it's foolish for me to stay in a relationship that doesn't have much future (marriage). he was just about to get me a ring, and canceled it. he says we can stay together but not get married. i know marriage is not something so important and could just be a piece of paper, but somehow it seems like he can't be fully committed to me by telling me he doesn't want to get married to me. i don't know... breaking up with him tears my heart. i don't know what i should do in this situation, or what advice can you give me? he wants to talk again tonight, and it's giving me anxieties. i don't want to break up with him, but at the same time i don't know if i should stay in this relationship. so lost.... and so sad.
gaig Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Didn't quite get it.. he doesn't want to keep his word and propose to you, but IN THE SAME TIME he wants to stay with you in the same house? How old is he? If it was me saying these words, it would mean I definitely want to stay with you, but I am afraid that these issues might arise again, so of course there is no wedding in the end. So, since he still has the will to keep you in his life, sit together and try seriously to work out what is giving you these miserable fights and -more importantly- how to resolve them. With a plan. And a mutual commitment. If necessary, take each of you a piece of paper and write down WHICH ATTITUDES OF YOURSELF YOU THINK YOUR OTHER HALF FINDS DISTRESSING. It's an easy way -I guess- to open up quickly and move to resolution if any. I believe you might have a chance, but you must be determined and to be honest these quarrels you said you have are rather too fresh to fall in oblivion. Good luck and keep us posted
smudge21 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Sorry but this all sounds very toxic and in no way do I see a loving relationship here. Maybe once, but not now. You even say yourself that you don't know if you should stay - thoughts like that should not be ignored. The problem is that you obviously still remember the good person and all the happy times, and when things go wrong in a relationship, we always think back to when it was great and live in hope that it can go back there. Maybe it can, but it would take some work and plenty of honest open discussion between both of you. Sometimes though, you just have to accept that things have run their course and it's time to move on. Only you know that. Good luck.
Author trueluV Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 Thanks for your comments. I meant he doesn't want to break up with me but seems like hesitating to continue the relationship with me at the same time. We've talked a lot about this after he brought up the issues and he felt the relationship is not as same as it used to be. but nothing has been solved or decided. I felt if we both have a strong desire to continue the relationship and be with each other, we can both try to compromise and put effort into making this relationship work. I don't know if i'm thinking so simply. but he is thinking too much, and so concerned about the issues rising again. i want to be with him, breaking up seems so painful... but if he cannot promise and canceled the wedding/getting married to me, then is there hope for me to continue being in this relationship with him? by telling me he thinks marriage is not a good idea between us, doesn't it sound like he is not completely satisfied with me, or he cannot accept me 100%? is it a risk to be with him who tells me he doesn't want to marry me? fyi, we're in our mid 30's and he was planning to get me a ring a month ago. we checked the rings together, but a week later he told me he doesn't think it's a good idea. i felt it was a rejection to me. but since he didn't want to break up with me, it's not a complete rejection. i don't know. this situation is very confusing. and i don't know what i should do or be doing. we've been together for 5 years and had lots of good times. it's hard to let go of all these good memories with him. any thoughts are appreciated. thanks in advance.
gaig Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 but if he cannot promise and canceled the wedding/getting married to me, then is there hope for me to continue being in this relationship with him? by telling me he thinks marriage is not a good idea between us, doesn't it sound like he is not completely satisfied with me, or he cannot accept me 100%? is it a risk to be with him who tells me he doesn't want to marry me? You have these problems now so he doesn't think you can get married as of..NOW! If you manage to get through this situation together and believe each other even more, why not? One thing I know in this life..no decision is final. To me it makes sense. But are you determined to do e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g to revive your relationship? To be creative about it? To invest? To spend a lot of time? To infuse enthusiasm to him who appears to lack it so much at this time? If I was you (I know that now that my relationship is dead, but for you I believe it's not too late) I would search all the internet about ideas, I would even secretly consult a specialist, list down all ideas, shortlist my favorites and decide together. But I don't know what it can be..change place? Environment? Write down your Pros/Cons? Try to reset your relationship? You have an opportunity that a lot of us do not have in here.. the outcome of this situation might be still in your control.. Are you fighter? If yes, go for it! I am also a tremendous fighter, but I failed.. Do it for us!
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