HazeMan Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 (edited) For the past few months, I've been getting close to one of my friends. She is nice, cute and cool to be around. Unfortunately, I found out a few things about her 2 days ago. She told me that she doesn't act out or go wild and I seriously got attracted to that. I took my feelings for her seriously and she responded positively. The chemistry between us is amazing. She also told me a few things about her past e. g. She had a brief relationship with the current boyfriend of one of my friends and she dated a dude I know. The thing is, the boyfriend confessed that he juggled both of them before they were official and she didn't know while my crush knew. Also, he may have cheated with my crush. I also found out how her thing with him started and it really disgusted me because I didn't see her as that kind of girl. They met at a party, got drunk and had sex in the washroom. I thought back a bit more and noticed things that she told me of her volition but lied to me about. One of them was her ex that I know. She said she didn't sleep with him when I didn't even ask. When they broke up, he said she cheated but because he's kinda crazy no one believed. I asked him again and found out that the guy she cheated with felt guilty and owned up since they were roomies plus he saw them kissing outside but she never knew so she still denies it to this day. Before she left on her trip a few weeks ago, she told me that this playa we know kissed her but she pushed him away. She paused for a moment when she said that because she realized it was me she was talking to. I found out from my friend that was there that it was a lie and they almost hooked up but he stopped them. I'm mad she lied about things she CHOSE to tell me. However, she may be interested but she is still single and can do what she wants (some of the things were before we got close). I do like her but I'm kinda turned off. P. S. My friend thinks she is lying to me because she doesn't want to lose me as a friend and potential boyfriend. The girl whose boyfriend cheated with my crush is raising hell. She's falling apart, asking questions and being a nervous wreck. She confronted my crush (which she informed me of beforehand) and my crush confessed that she slept with her boyfriend. So my crush freaks out after the convo and calls me. She confesses and says it was a stupid decision that she regrets. Now she has contacted me twice in the past 3 days saying stuff like; "Please don't hate me" and "Do you hate me now?" She still has no idea that I know she lied about all those things. *sigh* Just when I thought I found decent girl that isn't shallow or promiscuous like my ex, I find out about this. I need some advice. Edited June 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language ~T
4x4storm Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 Yeah one thing I have learned from dating is when girls say they love to sit home cuddle and watch movies on the couch and the wild life isn't for them take it with a grain of salt. 2
Emilia Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 (edited) How old are you two? Sounds like standard [] early 20s stuff to me. Edited June 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3
bummer Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 How small is this place that you all play soap opera run-around so much with each other? Maybe try new social group just so you're not an Eskimo brother with all your friends? 1
Emilia Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 How small is this place that you all play soap opera run-around so much with each other? Maybe try new social group just so you're not an Eskimo brother with all your friends? True, didn't think of this. Do you live in a small town, OP?
Author HazeMan Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 How old are you two? Sounds like standard [] early 20s stuff to me. Yeah I'm 21 and she's 18. We share the same bday month so she turns 19 when I turn 22. How small is this place that you all play soap opera run-around so much with each other? Maybe try new social group just so you're not an Eskimo brother with all your friends? Lol. Eskimo brother? I've never heard that before. True, didn't think of this. Do you live in a small town, OP? @Emilia, @bummer. No we don't live in a small town. We're international students and started the college at the same time so we all became friends. The first semester was fine but the problems started in the second semester when people started dating within the group. I decided to just drift away and do my own thing and she followed me. We started getting close by making fun of the drama in the group. I was never really involved in the drama since i just sat on the sidelines and watched the train wreck happen. She came to me under the guise of not being part of the train wreck. I believed her but now everything she said is a lie:(. I found out stuff she did and usually i wouldn't care but that stuff is biting me in the ass and she made the choice to tell me, so why lie to my face. I hate the soap-opera run-around that's why I got close to her because she presented herself as a girl that didn't get involved with that. I've gone from viewing her as this special and different girl to your typical sloppy late teens early twenties girl. She's already asking me if I hate her, her best friend is always wanting me to hang out since she (my crush) is on a trip now because she suspects I like her friend and wants to keep me close to their group. Ugh...it's like high school all over again.
Author HazeMan Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 Yeah one thing I have learned from dating is when girls say they love to sit home cuddle and watch movies on the couch and the wild life isn't for them take it with a grain of salt. Learned my lesson.
Grapesofwrath Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 It's called Impression Management. Only she's not that good at it. Because of the small circle that you are in, the stories are coming out anyway. People manage impressions when they feel uncomfortable or insecure about their true selves. She sees you as someone with high standards and wants your approval, so she is lying to get it. Ironically, this is why it will never work between you. 1
Author HazeMan Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 It's called Impression Management. Only she's not that good at it. Because of the small circle that you are in, the stories are coming out anyway. People manage impressions when they feel uncomfortable or insecure about their true selves. She sees you as someone with high standards and wants your approval, so she is lying to get it. Ironically, this is why it will never work between you. Yeah, I sort of have this rep as a no nonsense guy with a sharp tongue because i tend to be blunt. I have expressed my distaste for sloppy and careless behavior because of my ex. Now she is walking on egg shells around me which is exactly what i didn't want. When she started telling me these things I took it as a sign of trust and it made me happy. If she had told me the truth then i wouldn't be mad and I'd look at it like; "She made bad decisions in the past and knows better now." I'd respect her a lot. Now it just feels sneaky. 1
Buddhist Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) *sigh* Just when I thought I found decent girl that isn't shallow or promiscuous like my ex, I find out about this. I need some advice. Okay here's my advice. - Get some therapy for your obvious anger issues towards women. - Stop listening to gossip, and engaging with people of that same low calibre. Both will do your integrity some good. Edited June 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author HazeMan Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 (edited) Okay here's my advice. - Get some therapy for your obvious anger issues towards women. - Stop listening to gossip, and engaging with people of that same low calibre. Both will do your integrity some good. Why would you assume I have anger issues against women? My ex did sleep around a lot. So much so that she got an STI and tried to hide it from me. As for the gossip thing, I found out about these things by chance and from multiple sources that witnessed the events. :/ Edited June 11, 2016 by HazeMan 1
tndawg Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 I am so sorry you have been hurt by someone you care for. Trust is a hard thing. I have learned that allowing people in your life who are untruthful usually doesn't end well. Of course, the only way to build trust is by being honest ourselves and letting others know our expectations up front. 1
Poutrew Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 Sounds to me like she is flirting with the Madonna Whore Complex. In your GFs case, she wants to be the Madonna. Pure, chaste, high quality, virginal until marriage, etc. She sees you as a high quality guy, a real catch and above her usual fare. So she shows you she is a Madonna... only in real life, it's a fantasy. She is not a Madonna... she's the other one. Just remember if you want to try this girl out for serious...it only takes one bad night for the Madonna to become the whore, but to go the other way it usually take ten years in a nunnery. Act accordingly. Good luck. 1
Emilia Posted June 11, 2016 Posted June 11, 2016 @Emilia, @bummer. No we don't live in a small town. We're international students and started the college at the same time so we all became friends. The first semester was fine but the problems started in the second semester when people started dating within the group. I decided to just drift away and do my own thing and she followed me. We started getting close by making fun of the drama in the group. I was never really involved in the drama since i just sat on the sidelines and watched the train wreck happen. She came to me under the guise of not being part of the train wreck. I believed her but now everything she said is a lie:(. I found out stuff she did and usually i wouldn't care but that stuff is biting me in the ass and she made the choice to tell me, so why lie to my face. I hate the soap-opera run-around that's why I got close to her because she presented herself as a girl that didn't get involved with that. I've gone from viewing her as this special and different girl to your typical sloppy late teens early twenties girl. She's already asking me if I hate her, her best friend is always wanting me to hang out since she (my crush) is on a trip now because she suspects I like her friend and wants to keep me close to their group. Ugh...it's like high school all over again. Oh god how I don't miss my early 20s, in fact I'm glad I was married and missed out on 80% of the post-high school drama. It's hard to give advice OP because everyone is an idiot at that age, 18 is a kid, you shouldn't really mess around with girls that young. 3 years gap is massive at your age. It will get better, promise but most people are idiots until they hit around 25. I don't think you need therapy. 1
Author HazeMan Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 Sounds to me like she is flirting with the Madonna Whore Complex. In your GFs case, she wants to be the Madonna. Pure, chaste, high quality, virginal until marriage, etc. She sees you as a high quality guy, a real catch and above her usual fare. So she shows you she is a Madonna... only in real life, it's a fantasy. She is not a Madonna... she's the other one. Just remember if you want to try this girl out for serious...it only takes one bad night for the Madonna to become the whore, but to go the other way it usually take ten years in a nunnery. Act accordingly. Good luck. Thanks. It sounds exactly like that. Now that I can see it, it bothers me how little self control she seems to have. It also doesn't help that almost every girl that I know in that age bracket [16-19] have this mentality of "We're young so let's enjoy ourselves" especially when it comes to sex and partying. Her best friend especially has champions this rhetoric although it's toned down when I'm around. It's sad because they usually end up in less than pleasant situations and guys (even some in the group) take advantage of them and they complain afterwards. It's annoying that her best friend knows the things she does yet wants to keep me around to date her. Once the issue blows up and it's known that I'm aware, she'll freak out and try to hang out more to keep me occupied until my crush returns from her trip.
Author HazeMan Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 Oh god how I don't miss my early 20s, in fact I'm glad I was married and missed out on 80% of the post-high school drama. It's hard to give advice OP because everyone is an idiot at that age, 18 is a kid, you shouldn't really mess around with girls that young. 3 years gap is massive at your age. It will get better, promise but most people are idiots until they hit around 25. I don't think you need therapy. Thanks. The therapy comment made me gawk in surprise. Yeah, the gap does seem large over here. I guess I ignored it because the average age difference between young couples in my country can be up to 6 years. 1
Jabron1 Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 I think you have a 'madonna complex'. I also think you have a 'listening to women complex'. You have unrealistic expectations. So, you can expect a lot more "betrayal". Whoever said about therapy is sort of right. I'm not saying actually get therapy (dear god no ); I'm saying your mindset is very idealistic and skewed. The game isn't going to change - you need to change. Wise up a bit. 1
Author HazeMan Posted June 12, 2016 Author Posted June 12, 2016 I think you have a 'madonna complex'. I also think you have a 'listening to women complex'. You have unrealistic expectations. So, you can expect a lot more "betrayal". Whoever said about therapy is sort of right. I'm not saying actually get therapy (dear god no ); I'm saying your mindset is very idealistic and skewed. The game isn't going to change - you need to change. Wise up a bit. Lol. Really don't want therapy. It's gonna make me feel like I'm crazy but you do have a point. Perhaps my mindset is skewed after all. Seriously though, do my expectations seem so unrealistic? I mean I'm not looking for a virgin, that'd make me a hypocrite. I just don't like sloppy behavior. If you did stuff in the past and want to tell me at least don't lie to me. At least be honest with me when you're opening up instead of lying and have me randomly blindsided because karma decided it was time for your deeds to come to light.
Emilia Posted June 12, 2016 Posted June 12, 2016 Thanks. The therapy comment made me gawk in surprise. Yeah, the gap does seem large over here. I guess I ignored it because the average age difference between young couples in my country can be up to 6 years. It really depends on age. From your late 20s onwards 6 years doesn't matter. When one party is 18 years old, 3 years is a huge gap. 1
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