Jessie1231 Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I met a guy through OLD at the end of January. From our first date, I really liked him. After about four or five dates we became exclusive (his idea) and agreed we already had feelings for each other and liked where things were headed. My background - I divorced nearly five years ago and have dated quite a bit since but nothing too serious. His background - he divorced seven years ago but not long after that entered a relationship he stayed in for five years, four of those living together. It ended a year before he met me because she was being horrible to him and eventually to his two daughters which made him realize he couldn't deal with it anymore. I thought a year after a serious relationship was time enough to date again, so it didn't worry me too much. Sometimes while I was with him and at times when I was not, his ex girlfriend from over a year ago would call and text nonstop. It seemed crazy, and he always ignored it. He asked if he should just block the number but I told him he needed to speak to her and ask her to stop. He never did and the calls and texts died down. Three months into our relationship we had a long date day which was perfect and romantic like all our time together always was. Up until then we had never had even a minor disagreement and were really happy spending time together. The next morning I decided to take the day off work and surprise him at home to spend another day with him. I rang his doorbell and he didn't answer which was strange because he is a light sleeper. I checked his garage to make sure he was home and hadn't had some emergency with his kids or something. There was a car parked next to his, and I realized it was the ex girlfriend. I had been texting and calling that morning, and I had rung his doorbell when I got there but he never answered any of that. So I went home, devastated that he had gone back to the woman he said he couldn't stand that he had broken up with a year ago. I got home and the texts and calls began. He was beyond remorseful. At first he made up some lie about how she came over that morning but soon admitted she came the night before but said she was just too drunk to drive so she spent the night. He said they slept in his bed but nothing happened. I asked for her number to confirm nothing happened and he gave it to me. I texted her and she responded that he didn't say he had a girlfriend and they still loved each other and they made love all night and all morning. He swore this wasn't true and kept swearing until two weeks later. He finally admitted he had sex with her. He said it was a middle of the night thing. She woke him up and started it, so he started to but never finished because he felt bad because he didn't like her and because he thought of me. This seems like such a lie to me but he swears by it. He had since blocked her number so she can't contact him if she tries at all now. He lets me know where he is at all times and does sweet little things like sending flowers each week. He's apologized nonstop and I do believe he feels bad. He said he isn't sure why he did it but maybe he was having doubts about us and went back to something familiar only to realize that wasn't what he wanted at all. The thing is, I could forgive him for something like this so early in a relationship. If he had doubts about me and wondered if his ex was what he wanted instead and had a wild night of sex and memories, I think I could get past that since he seemed to realize he liked our relationship instead. But he tells it like it was mostly innocent except for her trying unsuccessfully to have sex with him during the night which he couldn't even finish. I don't know if I can ever believe that. So I guess what I want to know is this - do we have a chance in hell? It's been a month since it happened and he's been absolutely amazing and obviously feels terrible about what happened. But every now and then it creeps into my mind and I just wonder how he could do something like that when our relationship, although new, was just so happy. He's aware of my doubts and is completely understanding about it, but has anyone had this and moved past it? I know marriages survive affairs all the time, but this is a now four month relationship so is there any point in trying to let it survive? On the one hand, I can almost understand being confused at the beginning of a new relationship and making a mistake with an ex one night. But on the other hand, if someone screws up this bad this early, is there any coming back from that?
Tressugar Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 This is unfortunately common with OLD. That's why he wouldn't confront her in telling her to stop contacting him because he wanted that door open. In my experience, once a cheater is always a cheater ...especially the first year is supposed to be flawless and happy. But hey! This is your gig, not mine. Can you ever fully trust him again? You had to get the truth from a stranger, not your own man. 8
Buddhist Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 So I guess what I want to know is this - do we have a chance in hell? I guess what I'm wondering is why do you want this to have a chance in hell? Don't you have any other options at this point? I'm sorry but your willingness to swallow his story about it being all her idea and her forcing herself upon his unwilling body etc, kind of says to me you are really desperate to believe anything except the truth. That he cheated on you and lied to you and this relationship very obviously does not mean anything near to him what it means to you. Sorry I can't offer advice here because in all honesty I'm just speechless. You must be in a very vulnerable place to ask this question. 6
Dis Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 (edited) Hun...where is your self respect and dignity???? This man lied to many times it seems AND cheated on you but your wondering if YOU have a chance with HIM??? Come on hun....by not leaving him you're saying, "Its ok that you lied and cheated. I will tolerate that kind of behavior." You're basically his doormat at this point Doesnt a part of you believe you deserve better than this???? Thats you deserve someone who treats you as you treat them??? And here you are calling him "amazing"....sweetie I know I'm being blunt here but you need to wake up and smell the coffee I'm speechless too Buddhist Edited June 10, 2016 by Disillusionment373 4
Tressugar Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I totally understand the OP. I've been there and done that. Trust me when I tell you that if you stay it'll only get worse, never better. You teach ppl how to treat you, hun. I know this truth hurts as hell. I've been there. I'm also telling you that there is life outside of this pain. I get how denial can be a friend of ours, but I also know that the truth liberates you. 2
Author Jessie1231 Posted June 10, 2016 Author Posted June 10, 2016 The things you're saying sting but are things I need to hear. In general I've never taken much of anything from any man since my divorce. My marriage wasn't the best and I decided then that never again would I just accept something that made me unhappy. And I haven't. But this guy. I have no idea what he's done to me but it's been basically impossible for me to come out and end it no matter how much I have known I needed to. My friends have all told me I'm making a huge mistake by staying with him, and I suppose I knew they were right. But I think hearing it from a bunch of strangers who have no relationship with me like my friends do will help even more. It's like I know I need to just end it because he's a liar and a cheater but he's been so great before and after I'm almost afraid to. I hate how completely weak I sound right now. This is not the type of person I am and I hate it. But you're all right and thank you. You're telling me what I need to hear to finally do what I know needs to be done.
TheBathWater Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 It seems like the story kept changing with him as you confronted him with more evidence. It's bad enough he cheated, but that he kept on trying to sneak around the truth even after he was caught makes things worse. Ultimately, it's your call what to do about a future, but from where I stand (and as a man, I'm telling you this truthfully) he will NOT respect you for sticking around and will very likely do it again at some other point. It REALLY sucks when this happens, but I think you'll need to find a way to let him go and collect yourself. 1
katiegrl Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 The thought of my boyfriend "making love all night and all morning" with another woman, let alone his ex, would cause me to want to vomit in his face.... What I am wondering is ... knowing he DID cheat, why did he give you her (the woman he cheated with) number? He had to know she would confirm it ...why would he do that? Sounds like he wanted you to to find out, but was too much of a coward to tell you himself... He did eventually after being backed into a corner... which made it worse since he kept denying it at first. What I am also wondering is why are you spending one more nano-second with this loser? Or even thinking about him? 1
sagetalk Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I know marriages survive affairs all the time, but this is a now four month relationship so is there any point in trying to let it survive? I really don't see a reason why you would want to continue this. How can trust be built on this kind of foundation?
Dis Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 The things you're saying sting but are things I need to hear. In general I've never taken much of anything from any man since my divorce. My marriage wasn't the best and I decided then that never again would I just accept something that made me unhappy. And I haven't. But this guy. I have no idea what he's done to me but it's been basically impossible for me to come out and end it no matter how much I have known I needed to. My friends have all told me I'm making a huge mistake by staying with him, and I suppose I knew they were right. But I think hearing it from a bunch of strangers who have no relationship with me like my friends do will help even more. It's like I know I need to just end it because he's a liar and a cheater but he's been so great before and after I'm almost afraid to. I hate how completely weak I sound right now. This is not the type of person I am and I hate it. But you're all right and thank you. You're telling me what I need to hear to finally do what I know needs to be done. Remember the bold print hun...remember what you promised yourself! I know you may not believe it now but there are men out there who will make you so happy...who wont cheat...who will treat you how you've always wanted to be treated. Pull the plug on this guy so you can keep your promise to yourself and find a man who deserves you You'll survive this pain and go onto meet the right one Stay true to that promise and take care of YOURSELF now hun
joseb Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 At first he made up some lie about how she came over that morning but soon admitted she came the night before but said she was just too drunk to drive so she spent the night. He said they slept in his bed but nothing happened. I asked for her number to confirm nothing happened and he gave it to me. I texted her and she responded that he didn't say he had a girlfriend and they still loved each other and they made love all night and all morning. He swore this wasn't true and kept swearing until two weeks later. He finally admitted he had sex with her. He said it was a middle of the night thing. She woke him up and started it, so he started to but never finished because he felt bad because he didn't like her and because he thought of me. This seems like such a lie to me but he swears by it. So he lies and lies and lies some more, continually changing the story - you really believe that bit in bold? I didn't think so. And even if it were true, you know what? Makes no difference. Honestly, I have no idea why you are even considering setting eyes on this guy again. This really makes me mad - all the decent blokes out there and lying cheating scumbags like this get this sort of blind devotion. Can this survive? It's been three months ffs - you try to get over something like this if its been 10 years and you have 3 kids or something. Please OP, for your self respect, dump him right now and no half measures. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 OP, you need a giagntic dose of self-respect. There is no way in hell I would let this guy come near me again. He showed you who he is - a liar and a cheater. And you're supposed to be in the honeymoon stage. The fantastic guy you thought you knew doesn't exist. You found out this much - imagine what he's still hiding. And I guarantee there's more. He's only told you what he can't plausibly deny. There was a reason he wouldn't block his ex, and now you know why. He still wants her. You should put your energy into understanding why you even wanted this to survive. This man showed you without a shadow of a doubt that he is not invested in you, he doesn't respect you and will lie directly to your face. And you're wondering if there is a chance? That's the bigger concern here. 3
lilmissjava Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 One can only tolerate so much of cheating and lies and all this drama within the first 3 months. Unless I'm mistaken, there hasn't been an exchange of "I love you's" so there's still time to get out and find someone who truly respects you enough not to cheat and on top of it continuously lie about it. No matter the apologetic gestures, if you continue to see him, when is it going to be enough? I am not a proponent of having your cake and being able to eat it too. Best of luck to you OP.
Grapesofwrath Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I think the real problem here is that he lied to you when he had the chance to tell the truth. Whether he initiated sex with her, or she did, or whatever is not the core problem. Nor is it that he slept with someone else so soon in your relationship. The core problem is that, when confronted directly, he lied. Then he lied some more. Then he lied more and minimized, trying to shift the blame on to her. This is a character issue that will not change, especially when he realizes that he can get you to accept his lying with some flowers and sweet words. She showed up out of nowhere? And parked her car in the garage? Don't surprise guests usually park in the driveway or on the street? Too drunk to drive home? Call a cab. Put her on the couch. Answer the calls and texts from your gf. A man who does not want to have sex with a woman doesn't have sex with her. He's still lying to you about what happened.
kendahke Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 So I guess what I want to know is this - do we have a chance in hell? It's been a month since it happened and he's been absolutely amazing and obviously feels terrible about what happened. But every now and then it creeps into my mind and I just wonder how he could do something like that when our relationship, although new, was just so happy. He's aware of my doubts and is completely understanding about it, but has anyone had this and moved past it? Yeah, the only place this stands a chance is in the hell you're about to walk into. Is any man is better than no man, even a messy cheater? Seriously, you don't think you can do or deserve better? No... you never move past it because you never know what event, what comment, what snippet of memory will suddenly sprout tentacles to grab hold of you as you're getting past it to remind you that this man chose to cheat on you with an ex he's clearly not done dealing with, no matter what lie he's telling you to the contrary. Not only cheat on you, but play you out as a fool when you came to his house and saw her car there. He knew you were there; he was inside with her listening to you outside his house as the truth was dawning on you, hoping you'd just go away. Think about that--think about the level of dismissiveness it takes to do that to someone you're leading them to believe that you want them in your life. The warning flag that you chose to ignore was him not having had his ex on block *if* he didn't want anything more to do with her. The minute it became obvious that that was the deal, you needed to drop him off at the mall. He is messy and he hoped you don't notice how messy he is. No matter how old you are or how long you've been single, girl, you deserve to be treated way better than this. 1
juniorrocha Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 3 months in, he cheated and proved he's a liar. He can't even be a man and deal with his actions. Why would you want to continue? My ex lied and possibly cheated on me and I only found out 6 months into the relationship. I loved her so much that I ended up sticking with her. Only to find out, during the next 1 year and a half, that she was still lying and hiding things from me. Our relationship turned into crap after I found out she's a liar, there was no trust at all. Please, get out of it before you get more involved. I would hate to see a thread of yours in the next few months with more lying/cheating from him.
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