Decade of love thrown away so quick?

[tomny]

So it's been about a month and a half now since she broke it off with me. We've been together since 16 and now are 26.

 

Moved in a year ago and everything's been good. Great at times, boring some other times (naturally after so long) and a few rough patches but never at each other's throats and nothing nasty.

 

She's always been so loving and caring and selfless. I've always taken care of her too and I've been the sole big decision maker for us, for the most part. Where to live, savings, budget, etc.

 

Definitely tired and bored in the relationship towards the end but always still that strong companionship. I was going through some things (depression, anxiety) and she was picking up the slack toward the end but never complained or seemed to be bothered.

 

I get into an argument with her that she's talking to this one guy day and night and boom, one week later she's seeing him and wants to break up.

 

During the fight about talking to him, she said you don't trust me etc it's been so long you're wrong etc. I pasted those messages back to her after this happened and she just said "things change." ..???

 

I found out she met up with him and kissed him. After that night she completely changed. Very cold, distant, repulsed by me. She says she wants to know if anything happens to me again (was in hospital) but she doesn't come so she "doesn't get sucked into my crap" Huh?

 

I naturally begged and got mad at her right after up and down for about 2 weeks and she's using that as excuses to not talk to me. She hasn't texted first since, only if it's to get her stuff from our place.

 

So what in the actual hell is going on? Her reasons were all over the place, I gave her the open floor to tell me what I did wrong and basically she said 3 things I do that bother her and they were all things for me to find out she cheated. That's it. Nothing else.

 

Is this some grass is greener crap or is she a complete basket case?

 

She's been with him and going to his house the day she left (my birthday by the way) and hasn't spent a day or night without him. He's very ugly, lives in a very old dirty building, and my friends and family don't understand but I know attraction isn't everything.

 

Should I just leave her alone since she says she cares about me and says I don't know when I asked her honestly to tell me if she ever sees us together again?

 

I have no idea what's going on. completely blind sighted. Any insight?

 

She did have a problem where her hormones were not all right for a few years. they finally came back shortly before this happened.

 

She says she doesn't miss me the same way I miss her. She basically ran away from everything and didn't look back, says it does affect her too but she doesn't show it at all. from I love you 3 times a day, always talking to me, to nothing. I feel so worthless the way it happened it's ridiculous.

Edited June 9, 2016 by tomny

[LD1990]

These relationships that start when you're young rarely work out. She got tired of being in a relationship with you, this guy is new and exciting, so she decided to jump ship. It's unfortunate that it happened, but you can make this easier on yourself by going NC. Make sure she gets all her stuff, then block her and start focusing on yourself. She cheated on you, she left you, she's not someone you should keep in your life.

[juniorrocha]

Sometimes people get out of a relationship, emotionally speaking, way before leaving for real. Maybe she just doesn't feel the same way about you anymore, maybe it's GIGS, but it doesn't matter because she's with someone else now. It also doesn't matter whether the guy is rich, handsome or whatever. Maybe she just needed something new, after so long, you're both very young.

 

You should go NC, live/improve your life and eventually you'll forget about her. You said sometimes things were boring; maybe it was a sign something was off. Regardless, you should start the process of moving on, instead of trying to get her back. It's hard but you'll get there the sooner you start.

[fixing]

Yea. Like LDI says. She cheated on you man. She left you for some other douchenozzle. Casted you aside like trash.

 

You got to try to see this from an outside perspective. The above sentences is exactly what she has done to you. You deserve better in life and that person is not your ex.

 

It seems she may have been seeing this twerp longer then you expected and thats why it seems so crazy that she has gone cold on you.

 

Honestly, and I know its said alot around here, but the only thing you can do now is delete and block her and focus on healing emotionally.

[basil67]

I'm looking for clues as to why she left: You being the sole decision maker sets off my alarm bells. I'm wondering why she had no voice in this relationship. Did she refuse to contribute or did you not allow her to be part of the decision making process?

[Methodical]

We've been together since 16 and now are 26.

 

Great at times, boring some other times (naturally after so long) and a few rough patches but never at each other's throats and nothing nasty.

 

She's always been so loving and caring and selfless. I've always taken care of her too and I've been the sole big decision maker for us, for the most part. Where to live, savings, budget, etc.

 

Definitely tired and bored in the relationship towards the end but always still that strong companionship.

 

Neither of you have really had any experience with other ppl. You say things were definitely tired and boring toward the end. When the stalemate occurs, I think it's natural for ppl to wonder what else is out there.

 

You made all the decisions (for whatever reason). Maybe she was tired of not having her say in the relationship. At any rate, things were boring and tired, there was no legal commitment involved, so she spread her wings. And from what you say, she spread them before separating.

 

You should explore your options as well.

[privategal]

Uh respectfully Id read the NC guide at the top of the page immediately.

Thats your ONLY ONLY ONLY hope.

Read it and act on it now.

[tomny]

I'm looking for clues as to why she left: You being the sole decision maker sets off my alarm bells. I'm wondering why she had no voice in this relationship. Did she refuse to contribute or did you not allow her to be part of the decision making process?

 

She didn't have no voice. I would ask her her opinion all the time, it just wouldn't be very decisive or clear. But I would always listen to it.

 

She never disagreed with a decision I made. She just had other things going on (work + school) so I took on that role, and didn't mind. But it was stressful.

 

Honestly the only thing that I did on my end which I regret is sometimes having anxiety-induced times where I would snap at her. It wasn't that often and I always came and apologized to her afterwards. She was never mad about it, and never held a grudge. That was literally all I did on my end. No cheating, no abuse, nothing. My family all asked me "what did you do, seriously?" because she is acting nuts.

 

She first told me she wants to go and find herself and take space for a while. I was completely on board and really surprised she said that (she's never been so assertive like that to make a decision like that on her own without outside people chiming in). I said that's great, I'll miss you, but that sounds good. I got a little sad and she took it back right away.

 

It wasn't until I found out she was talking to another guy. Stupid me, I encouraged her to go to a family thing overnight right after she brought up the space thing, she left at night telling her family she was going to pick me up. She met him instead. They kissed.

 

Ever since then, she changed completely. Is that really all it takes? "I love you" 3 times a day, including the day before this, and now she doesn't see a future with me anymore (after making a wedding guest list a year ago for us), and she doesn't love me anymore (but says she wasn't pretending to before hand).

 

Edited June 10, 2016 by tomny

[tomny]

Uh respectfully Id read the NC guide at the top of the page immediately.

Thats your ONLY ONLY ONLY hope.

Read it and act on it now.

 

This is so hard to just move on. I have an unusually great memory and what we had was very special. No, I didn't have much experience before her, but seeing my friends with their girlfriends now and before, we seemed much more complacent, happy, and all around more communicative.

 

This is literally the first fight she brought up. This is the first time we broke up in 10 years.

 

I'm trying to get over it, but it's so hard. No contact makes me panic after 2-3 days, I get insane panic attacks. I saw her almost everyday for a decade. We didn't grow to hate each other.

 

I've known her for 15 years of my life (since elementary, as friends). This doesn't seem like her at all...

Edited June 10, 2016 by tomny

[LD1990]

This doesn't seem like her at all...

 

Because she's changing. It's natural. As we mature, we change significantly. Most people are very different at 16, and 21, and 26 years old.

 

She didn't just change one day. She likely has been thinking about breaking things off for awhile. That's often how breakups work when it's a long-term relationship - one partner keeps thinking about it but doesn't tell their partner, then eventually just decides to end it.

 

Breakups suck, especially your first big one. It's going to take some time to adjust to life without her. But if you stay strong and focus on yourself, life will get significantly better. I've been in your shoes, feeling miserable because someone I spoke to and saw everyday for years left me. If you get on with your life and go NC, you slowly start to rebuild yourself from that low point. It'll take time, but it's worth it.

[whatnot]

Ok if she's changing the reasons for why she left then that's indicative of excuse making. She wants out and there's nothing going to change that when the goal posts keep moving.

 

She's with another man.

 

 

The part about you getting panic attacks at the thought of never seeing her again. You may not be quite finished with trying to "reason" with her but the panic attacks are indicative that it's close. You'll know you're done when panic attacks set in at the thought of having to talk to her again.

 

Hang in there.

[tstump]

Man there are a lot of parallels between my break up and yours. I'm 3 months removed from an 8 year relationship where everything just fizzled out and she ended up cheating. We knew each other since 7th grade, started dating at 20 (first love).

 

First of all, it does get better. Focus on yourself and go NC are the most important things you can do. You'll probably break NC a couple times and learn that it's a terrible idea. Be with your pain now, get it out of your system. The only way out is through. View the pain as your body/mind healing.

 

This as an opportunity for you to grow into a self sustaining adult, to become whole and independent. The best part is you're only 26 and about to hit the prime of your life.

 

I wish the best for you man, feel free to PM me if you need to.

[gaig]

I cannot even imagine how hard it would be after a 10 years relationship. 2.5 years here and thinking about it every hour of my life..

 

But there is something you should always remind yourself.. She cheated on you. I dont know, write it on the walls, on your forehead.. This is the information that defines her from now on. She deserves the emotional misery she created. It is gonna hit her sooner or later. If not, she will try to hide it deep inside her which will make her life miserable because she will know she is a person of this kind. Let her bring this misery to someone else.. you are walking away proudly.

 

Your partner was a weak.. Do you want a weak person to accompany you in the rest of your life..? No? I didn't think so..

[tomny]

Man there are a lot of parallels between my break up and yours. I'm 3 months removed from an 8 year relationship where everything just fizzled out and she ended up cheating. We knew each other since 7th grade, started dating at 20 (first love).

 

First of all, it does get better. Focus on yourself and go NC are the most important things you can do. You'll probably break NC a couple times and learn that it's a terrible idea. Be with your pain now, get it out of your system. The only way out is through. View the pain as your body/mind healing.

 

This as an opportunity for you to grow into a self sustaining adult, to become whole and independent. The best part is you're only 26 and about to hit the prime of your life.

 

I wish the best for you man, feel free to PM me if you need to.

 

How are you coping after some time?

 

I still get really, really bad days. Major depression, not always but a lot.

 

She showed me everything when we were young. I didn't like moving here (moved at a bad age) so secluded myself, and when I got with her, I basically experienced this place finally.

 

Everything reminds me of her.

[Quiet Storm]

Young relationships can work out. However, both people have to really want it.

 

Not everyone can be with someone who suffers from depression and anxiety. Maybe it was bringing her down and she wants a different future? You two aren't married, so she did not vow to stay in sickness and in health.

 

She should not have cheated, though. She should have just said you were no longer compatible and broke up with you, before talking to this other guy.

 

There's a girl out there who's right for you, but she is not her. The girl for you won't cheat or give up on the relationship when you go through tough times. You will be OK without her. Love yourself and take care of you. You are still very young and have plenty of time to find another girl.

[jonesey0]

Tomny,

 

Reading your story, it could be a cut and paste from what i wrote on loveshack one year (!) ago.

 

She left me after 14 years together, no fights, no breakups, everything great. The strongest couple everyone knew.

 

But its been more than one year since she left, and she didnt come back.

 

Like you, i dont really understand the reason why were not together anymore, and all this time has passed.

 

But the reality is that they are gone, and whatever their reasoning was, we just have to accept it and move on with our life. We cant control other people feelings and thoughts.

 

The months ahead of you will probably be the most challenging and difficult time you will experience in your entire lifetime.

 

But you will get through it, became a stronger person, and hopefully have the strength to become the best person you can possibly be.

 

Cut contact, feel the pain, anger, miss her and what you had, but you have to give up on her and your past relationship.

 

You will get through this. Believe me.

 

All the best for you.

[tstump]

How are you coping after some time?

 

I still get really, really bad days. Major depression, not always but a lot.

 

She showed me everything when we were young. I didn't like moving here (moved at a bad age) so secluded myself, and when I got with her, I basically experienced this place finally.

 

Everything reminds me of her.

 

I still get bad days as well, not nearly as often though. Everything still reminds me of her, but the intensity of the feelings has greatly reduced. Hell, most the clothes i wear she either bought for me or was with me when i bought them. On my commute to work i can see the the townhouse we used to share (where she still lives). I used to always look, force myself not to look, but recently been driving by without even noticing, which is a pretty damn good feeling.

 

Coping:

Went NC (blocked everything) and committed to giving myself time to heal, focusing on my hobbies, started therapy, set some goals and working toward them. Basically working to become happy with myself. Cut waaay back on drinking, i'll have a beer every now and then, but drinking to the point where you're going to be hung over will set the stage for double depression the next day. The book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" i found to be very therapeutic and still revisit it sometimes.

 

You will feel better, I can't stress that enough. When you give yourself the time, you'll start to look back on the rubble of your previous relationship with more clarity, and realize it wasn't what you thought it was.

 

Take care man

[Buddhist]

We've been together since 16 and now are 26.

 

So she never had the opportunity to realise there were other men out there basically before now.

 

Definitely tired and bored in the relationship towards the end

 

Yep. And she is only 26, still young, still got hormones raging and all her friends are very likely out there dating other guys and having fun with that.

 

So what in the actual hell is going on?

 

Nothing unexpected really. She got bored being in a 10yr relationship since the age of 16. She is now mid twenties wanting to do what all her peers are doing. Living the excitement of dating other people. 10yrs is a good stretch even for a marriage. It seems like she just wanted the chance to live freedom for a bit.

 

Is this some grass is greener crap or is she a complete basket case?

 

Neither. Just because a relationship isn't bad doesn't mean either of the couple should stay in it indefinitely. She quite possibly met someone who fired her engines up, made her remember what that heady rush of new love is like and she decided she is too young to be sticking it out in a boring longterm relationship. She made a break for freedom and the experience that most 20 somethings want. To experience variety.

 

I have no idea what's going on. completely blind sighted. Any insight?

 

Some relationships just reach their expiry date. Yours did, she found someone else and left. It doesn't have to be anymore complicated than that.

 

She says she doesn't miss me the same way I miss her.

 

She is probably telling you the truth since it was so easy for her to leave the relationship and date someone else.

 

I feel so worthless the way it happened it's ridiculous.

 

You only feel this way because you assumed that relationships necessarily go through break down before they end. It's not always the case. People can leave relationships that were otherwise quite okay for no other reason than they simply don't want them anymore. There is no obligation to keep dating someone just because you don't fight with them.