Girlfriend's past is destroying me

[n mann]

Hey, I'm new to this forum and am 19 years old. This isn't something I'd normally do and usually trust myself to deal with relationship problems without help but I've found myself completely helpless after a problem with my girlfriend. I'm writing on fresh emotions, the problem came about an hour ago so bare with me if I come across as full on at times and ramble. (EDIT: I do, sorry)

 

I started dating this girl nearly two months ago. Even now, the worst off I've been in our relationship I am in no way considering ending things with her. She's gorgeous, we share the same humor, same uni, same course, same suburb and the same age. She's smart, funny, good in the bed and, most importantly, cares about me and my well being a whole lot.

 

Some background context is that I've had one girlfriend before this girl. It was nearly a 2 year relationship beginning 4 years ago, during which I found that at times I was extremely protective and controlling at times. She was loyal but I'd always be so protective, to the point I'd get upset over her uploading bikini pics for example to social media. The relationship was a huge learning curve for me where I found some insecurities I didn't know I previously had. The experience helped me mature immensely heading into this new relationship. I'm much less quick-tempered and believe I'm less protective. Despite this I've still ended up upset due to a still protective nature, explained later.

 

I'm rambling, I'll get onto the actual issue here. So my current girlfriend has had sex once before. It was a couple months before I met her. I was okay with this fact alone. But the problem lies in the details. She lost her virginity in a bathroom at a house party after getting the most drunk she's ever been. This came up pretty soon and she told me it happened while we were just seeing each other. It ate at me every now and then for a long time, she's a sweet and innocent girl and the thought of it was tearing me apart. At first I pretended it wasn't a problem, I didn't want it to be. Logically I know her past is irrelevant what we feel and do for each other right now is all that matters. But I just couldn't handle it, I think the fact that it was her virginity and the only other time she'd had sex that really got to me. I couldn't compute the person she is and that trashy night she'd told me about, so I told her. I let her know how it was eating at me as carefully as I could, as to not upset her or make her feel guilty. The whole time she just wanted me to feel better and asked if there was anything she could do. I thought I'd find comfort in the details so I suggested her telling me what happened and me asking her for details. She was so cool with it. She told me what happened and I asked so many questions, ranging from stuff about the guy (wanted to know he wasn't a dickhead) to details of how it happened. In the end this did help and it stopped phasing me.

 

So this is what happened. She wasn't in the best head space at the time. Her best friend had moved states. The week before the party she had hooked up with the same guy and he was really drunk and didn't get hard when she gave him hand/head, which really hurt her self esteem. She'd given hand/head before but hadn't had sex with anyone. She says her general feeling of being alone and upset is what lead her to have sex with this guy. After drinking too much tequila, the two, both having drank a lot, ended up going to the house bathroom. She told me she didn't want it to happen in the bathroom, but didn't speak up at the time because she felt she owed the guy after the week before. Even typing this hurts and I hate to think of her thinking like this. This is what got to me the most initially I think, I wanted to know that she did want to have sex with him and didn't just get taken advantage of. She repetitively tried to make it easier on me, and I picked up on her leaning towards what she thought I wanted to hear while explaining (without bending the truth) a lot, she's nice like that. I called her out on it and eventually had her comfortable with being honest. In the end she clarified she did want him, just not in the bathroom. They had sex and during the time, some people walked in on them, including the host's uncle, but she closed the door asap.

 

I eventually became content with the whole ordeal. I obviously didn't like the idea but wasn't too upset with her having sex with a guy in a moment of drunk arousal and wasn't too annoyed about people walking in after confirming that it wasn't people she knew and that pictures weren't taken or anything. But today, a while after I became cool with it, I found out that it wasn't just one group that walked in.

 

Tonight, chatting on Facebook, she brought up one of her friends Ted who is a friend of the guy she had sex with. She mentioned how Ted's friends are all dicks and I asked why and she said for walking in on her in that bathroom. Initially I was confused, I assumed everyone had walked in accidentally for the toilet or mirror. Then I put it together. These guys had gone to the bathroom together to get around (translation: celebrate) the guy who was having sex with my current girlfriend. She didn't know at the time they did (her back was to the door and she didn't hear anything) and said she heard about it afterwards from her friend who spoke to the guys.

 

It's killing me.

 

Now this has gone from her having drunk sex with 1 guy to being a live performance for other guys to enjoy without her knowing. I liked the idea of being the second guy to see her naked, I've lost that. A bunch of guys enjoyed my girlfriend having sex and now we can't even be certain if pictures weren't taken or how long they were watching. I exploded tonight, I didn't insult her or say anything against her directly, but I couldn't hide my anger or how upset I was. I've always been logical, caring, understanding with her and think of how she will feel before I say something. With that said this only lasted about 5-10 minutes before I ended up telling her to go to sleep out of fear that I'd really upset her and that she should just let me vent by myself. She did and I looked to google for a cure of what I'm feeling and here we are.

 

I don't know what I feel besides generally put rage. Immense anger towards the group of guys for watching maybe, for enjoying their friend take my girl's virginity in a ****ing bathroom without her knowing. Immense anger towards the guy for making it happen in a ****ing house party bathroom in the first place maybe. I wouldn't do either of these if I were in the same situation and that could be why this is really killing me. Maybe there's an anger towards my girlfriend, that I don't want to admit, for getting with someone worse than me in that moral/caring sense, someone who didn't care enough, and it resulting in what happened.

 

Honestly don't know what I'm asking for, some way to deal with this? Advice from someone who got over a girlfriend's possibly trashy past? I know people will think "it's her past, what she did doesn't matter" but that's not the point. I think I'm angry for her. It's the fact that other guys enjoyed spectating it too without her knowing that's leaving me defeated, I just don't know why and how to calm it.

 

Sorry about the poorly written & repetitive essay, it's late.

 

I'd appreciate any form of advice besides break up with her.

Thank you

M

Edited June 9, 2016 by n mann

[neowulf]

Firstly, I think it's important you take a moment to really understand what you're angry at.

 

Anger tends to be the "go to" emotion that a lot of men feel, without taking the time to understand the nuance of what's actually bothering them.

 

Your girlfriend has shown you immense trust, by sharing this horrible, shameful act that was inflicted upon her. It's a chance for her to share that burden, to being you closer.

 

You're missing that opportunity.

 

People have pasts. The older we get, the more of a past we have. In the end, this whole experience, her experience is NOT about you. It wasn't done to you. It's not about you AT ALL. This is her past, her burden. She's trying to become closer to you by sharing that burden.

 

Her having a "trashy experience" does not make her trashy. It's a poor decision. Her choosing a man who treated her poorly doesn't lessen her, it was a MISTAKE. She's HUMAN. Much like you are.

 

You're looking at these experiences and letting them taint your view of her. Yet, she can't change her past.

 

You want to know how to deal with this? Humility and compassion. ****ty things happen. People make mistakes. YOU will make mistakes. Feel sorrow that this was done to her, and if you love her, make her feel like she's still a worthwhile person IN SPITE of it. Because, she is.

Edited June 9, 2016 by neowulf

[Methodical]

This is the problem with ppl who scream they need 100% transparency and get it. Often, the person who reveals all is called names, judged harshly, and gets accused of not telling everything. (The whole "if she told me this, I wonder what she's still hiding" even tho there's nothing left to hide.) If you can't deal with something that happened in her past, then it's best for both of you to move on. It happened, there is nothing either of you can do to change it. Fretting about it and dwelling on it will only cause tension and hurt feelings. She isn't asking you to be her knight in shining armor. She isn't looking for a savior. Seems to me she cares about you and trusts you, otherwise, she wouldn't have given you all the details. Can you honestly move forward in a meaningful way with her or not?

[neowulf]

This is the problem with ppl who scream they need 100% transparency and get it.

 

Talk about "careful what you wish for" ...

[BaileyB]

What neoworlf said.

 

This has NOTHING to do with you. It is all about her, it is her past and her responsibility to deal with the consequence of her decision/experience.

 

She has trusted you enough to share this information with you. It does not change who she is or why you like her. You can help her by being kind and caring in dealing with, what must be a very sensitive subject. This is a very grown up situation for two people as young as you both are to deal with. I hope you can take this advice to heart and deal with the situation maturely... Because then you can both grow from this experience.

 

It is very sad that this has happened to her. but, our experiences both good and bad do not define us. Don't let this define her or ruin your chance for a good relationship. Be kind to her and take care of each other. The other men didn't do that, but you can. You need to get your anger under control - talk to others who can help you deal with your feelings. But remember, this experience is not about you, it is all about her. Take care.

[joseb]

So she got drunk had sex and some people walked in.

It's in the past, and really none of your business.

 

You said you were controlling in your last relationship.

Sounds like you are trying to control the past as well as the present.

 

This is what you get for prying too much. I'm sure this girl feels much worse about it all now.

 

If I were you I would apologise for pushing to know and then drop it.

[basil67]

I can only reiterate that you should remember that this isn't about you.

 

Crappy things happen to all of us at one time or another. But if we start carrying around baggage and hating because of it, we'll just end up in a nasty, sad hole of misery and hate.

 

One of the things I notice about people who proclaim to have strong morals is that they tend to be among the most judgmental in society. Which is contradiction in terms. If you can't look at her with compassion and be thankful that she trusted you enough to share, then you need to reexamine just how moral you are.

 

Lastly, I think you're confusing being protective with being controlling. Just sayin'.

[WellHelloThere]

I think you have unrealistic expectations. Your girlfriend sounds like a pretty good person. One occurrence of casual sex in someones life is nothing. It's not an incident to be proud of, but it's not part of a pattern of behavior and doesn't sound like it's something she would get herself into again.

 

And the title to this thread is a little dramatic. "girlfriends past is destroying me" your situation is probably one of the least tragic on this forum.

Edited June 10, 2016 by WellHelloThere

[SammySammy]

You STILL have a huge learning curve ahead of you and a lot of maturing to do.

[Buddhist]

I'd appreciate any form of advice besides break up with her.

Thank you

M

 

I'm not going to tell you to break up with her because actually I think the problem is you. You are standing here in judgement of what someone else did when I've got a fair idea you are actually no better. Oh I'm sure you think you are better, but you are not. You are human too.

 

It's tearing you up inside because you allow it to. It actually has nothing to do with you, it doesn't say anything about her except she's a teenager and did something dumb. Please don't even try and convince me you've done nothing dumb in your life.

[BlueIris]

She got too drunk and did something she regrets.

 

She hurt no one.

 

She didn’t foresee that a boy would use her, exploit her, to earn points in a hierarchy with other boys. Most young girls don’t realize that a boy, or many boys, would do that.

 

If you are protective person, of course you’re angered that people exploited her, used her. But don’t forget compassion and perspective toward her. That is caring.

 

Most people lose their good judgment if they get very drunk (starting with getting too drunk). She regrets her decision and is a strong person to recognize that and take heed.

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend, at least she told you about it. Could have been a lot worse finding out about it off the street. at least she trusted you enough to be honest with you.

 

You got a choice. Either look at her as a girl who got duped by some bum who doesn't care about anything or anyone but himself and what she thought was a private moment between her and the guy and it doesn't mean a hill of beans if it took place in a bathroom floor or a penthouse suite in a top of the line hotel.

 

Your other choice is to tell her to hit the bricks because she's dirty and not good enough for you, but if you go that route, you may be cutting your own throat.

 

It took a hell of a lot of guts for her to confide something like that to you. She was telling you because she cares for you, maybe even loves you and she would rather that you here it from her then from some place else. Your choice friend.

[thecrucible]

I think it will have taken her a lot of gusto to admit this story to you as I know myself that it's scary to do this around a man as he will judge you in some way, especially if he doesn't know you very well. I wonder if it's the fact that you know Ted's name that affects you? Is this a guy you can mentally picture and whom you have met before? I know this can make men feel uncomfortable.

 

Personally I think you should respond with kindness and compassion. You said in the first sentence that you have a "problem with your girlfriend". Firstly, not to sound patronising, but there are a host of situations you could deal with in a relationship which are much more problematic. Secondly it isn't really a problem. You should see it as a positive sign that she has confided in you as it shows that she trusts you and feels comfortable enough to open up. I don't know if some men realise that. It takes a lot for a woman to open up like that and it's not something we would do with everyone. Rather than getting jealous, you should focus on being a much better a man towards her than this guy.

 

I admitted a casual sex experience to a guy I was seeing once and he seemed to have a problem with it even though it's something he would do himself. He wanted to think that I had always wanted a relationship from it but I told him that I didn't know and I was just living in the moment enjoying myself. This made him very uncomfortable but the weird thing is that to me I didn't see it as something worth making a fuss about nor significant at all to the makeup of who I am as a person. Some men like to pigeon hole you. I also told him that I'd dated a guy and been in love for a year and then later in the relationship he devastated me by saying "I only saw you as a one night stand at first". This previous bf also did other jerky things and was abusive. Somehow this guy I was seeing thought this painful experience was preferable because it was called a "relationship" than a casual sex situation which did me no emotional damage whatsoever. With everything we do, we never know how it's going to turn out at the time and when we are young we are only learning so we are going to be making a lot of mistakes along the way.

 

OP, I think you can cut your gf some slack and her past is nothing for you to worry about - it's the quality of what's between you that's important.