Kylemopar Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 There's this girl who I have started to feel things for...the okay problem is that she has a boyfriend. We text everyday and I tell her all the time that I just want to take her out and she says that's she wishes I could be cause she wants me to take her out but she only says know because she has a BF. She has been with him for 4 years, he left her once for another girl but she took him back about 2 years ago. Lately they have been arguing a lot and she has been crying and him not really doing much about it. She says that he loves him more than he loves her and that she doesn't feel appreciated. She says that if she didn't have a BF that she would have ran to me no problem and be happy but feels like she can't just break up with him right away cause she feels like she can't just throw it all away like that. Two days ago they fought for 20 minutes leaving her crying and at the point of breaking up with him...I told her to just leave him and to figure out what she really wants. But all she says is that she doesn't want to feel pressured into just breaking up with him like that because he wasn't always like that. She says that he's not the same, that things won't be the same as they were before with him. She's really the glue holding them together. She calls me every night and says that she loves talking to me because I make her smile, I make her feel better and her worries go away. She says that she knows what she should (break up with him) but doesn't want to do it cause they were together for a while.... What can I do?
CarrieT Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 What can I do? Cut off communication entirely. She is not available and is just playing you. 5
Toodaloo Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Leave her alone. She is not yours and sounds like she is enjoying the extra attention while staying in the relationship. Don't get involved - get out. 4
pidgeon1010 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 There's this girl who I have started to feel things for...the okay problem is that she has a boyfriend. We text everyday and I tell her all the time that I just want to take her out and she says that's she wishes I could be cause she wants me to take her out but she only says know because she has a BF. She has been with him for 4 years, he left her once for another girl but she took him back about 2 years ago. Lately they have been arguing a lot and she has been crying and him not really doing much about it. She says that he loves him more than he loves her and that she doesn't feel appreciated. She says that if she didn't have a BF that she would have ran to me no problem and be happy but feels like she can't just break up with him right away cause she feels like she can't just throw it all away like that. Two days ago they fought for 20 minutes leaving her crying and at the point of breaking up with him...I told her to just leave him and to figure out what she really wants. But all she says is that she doesn't want to feel pressured into just breaking up with him like that because he wasn't always like that. She says that he's not the same, that things won't be the same as they were before with him. She's really the glue holding them together. She calls me every night and says that she loves talking to me because I make her smile, I make her feel better and her worries go away. She says that she knows what she should (break up with him) but doesn't want to do it cause they were together for a while.... What can I do? Nothing. You're her emotional tampon. She is exactly where she wants to be. 5
elaine567 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Even if you could persuade her to leave him, she is a mess and will take a long time to recover. She is not at the moment gf material for you, in any shape or form. Do not try and "rescue" her, as no doubt once she is better and healed from this relationship, she will then look around for other men and you will be left heart broken. Despite her terrible relationship, she has not ran to you, saying "I love you let's be together", has she? She is just using you as an emotional tampon - someone to soak up all her angst and upset. Sorry! 2
WellHelloThere Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 That's really not cool of you to get involved in someone else's relationship like that. Why don't you get your own life? 3
Author Kylemopar Posted June 9, 2016 Author Posted June 9, 2016 Well it's not like I involved myself on purpose. I didn't know she had a boyfriend when I first met her, she just kind of told along with her problems with him. She says she wants me but loves her boyfriend more because although she's happy I came into her life her BF came way before I did. She knows she needs to break up with hi. But doesn't want to rush it.
smackie9 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I agree with pidgeon1010 she is using you for her emotional rescue. She is just telling you what you want to hear to keep you around for her use.There is no hope for you, get out now. CUT HER OFF. 5
Author Kylemopar Posted June 9, 2016 Author Posted June 9, 2016 Okay so something very similar has happened before and I was told the exact same thing. The thing though was that I got the girl and she was my GF for about a month or so until we broke up cause she was overly jealous. I was told to cut her off as well and she was more in love with her boyfriend than this one.
smackie9 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Even if she broke up with her BF and went running to you....all you will be is a rebound anyways.
WellHelloThere Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Well it's not like I involved myself on purpose. I didn't know she had a boyfriend when I first met her, she just kind of told along with her problems with him. She says she wants me but loves her boyfriend more because although she's happy I came into her life her BF came way before I did. She knows she needs to break up with hi. But doesn't want to rush it. You are involving yourself on purpose. Read your first post. You text her everyday and know all about her relationship business and you are making it clear that you want her. 2
Buddhist Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 You can do absolutely nothing. Even if she broke up with him tomorrow she still can't be with you. There's a little thing called grieving the lost relationship she has to go through. That's not a nicety people perform at the end of relationships for ceremonial reasons. It's a real requirement that makes them emotionally available for other people. This grieving process can take months depending upon how serious the previous relationship was. If she has been dating him for years (and it sounds like it) she will need a minimum of 4-6 months to fully get over and be available for another relationship. Your situation is basically a dead loss no matter what happens. She isn't even done with him yet. This could drag on like this easily for another year before the breakup actually occurs. Never mind the inevitable changes of heart, and reuniting because it's all going to 'work out this time'. If you calls you three years from now stating she's single, you might have a chance. Before then, forget it. You need to stop fantasising about this girl and start investing your energy in something that has a chance. It's highly likely your perception of her as 'perfect' has everything to do with these two facts.... 1. She's unavailable. 2. She's not having her tears and fights with you. Of course he's the devil, you're only hearing her perspective on things which is unlikely to be unbiased or anywhere near objective.
Buddhist Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Okay so something very similar has happened before and I was told the exact same thing. The thing though was that I got the girl and she was my GF for about a month or so until we broke up cause she was overly jealous. I was told to cut her off as well and she was more in love with her boyfriend than this one. And you did not learn anything useful from this experience I take it. Even if you 'get the girl' what you discover is she wasn't worth getting. Your last rebound lasted a whole month.... 4
Toodaloo Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Okay so something very similar has happened before and I was told the exact same thing. The thing though was that I got the girl and she was my GF for about a month or so until we broke up cause she was overly jealous. I was told to cut her off as well and she was more in love with her boyfriend than this one. So you make a habit of going after other blokes girlfriends. You know that leads to black eyes and not lasting happy relationships don't you... 2
preraph Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 There's this girl who I have started to feel things for...the okay problem is that she has a boyfriend. We text everyday and I tell her all the time that I just want to take her out and she says that's she wishes I could be cause she wants me to take her out but she only says know because she has a BF. She has been with him for 4 years, he left her once for another girl but she took him back about 2 years ago. Lately they have been arguing a lot and she has been crying and him not really doing much about it. She says that he loves him more than he loves her and that she doesn't feel appreciated. She says that if she didn't have a BF that she would have ran to me no problem and be happy but feels like she can't just break up with him right away cause she feels like she can't just throw it all away like that. Two days ago they fought for 20 minutes leaving her crying and at the point of breaking up with him...I told her to just leave him and to figure out what she really wants. But all she says is that she doesn't want to feel pressured into just breaking up with him like that because he wasn't always like that. She says that he's not the same, that things won't be the same as they were before with him. She's really the glue holding them together. She calls me every night and says that she loves talking to me because I make her smile, I make her feel better and her worries go away. She says that she knows what she should (break up with him) but doesn't want to do it cause they were together for a while.... What can I do? Here's her problem. She is in love with the guy he was pretending to be in the early stages of dating when most guys are on their best pretend behavior. She thinks that is the real him. You need to explain to her that everyone is on their best pretend behavior in the first year of dating because they want to win the girl but that the real person comes out as time goes by and that that the most recent version of him is closest to his real personality and that he will continue to be worse and worse as she puts up with him. The most recent version is the more real version, not the early version. Good luck. 1
smackie9 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 You are only getting her side of the story...there are those who adjust their version to gain sympathy, and justification for their actions. Maybe the fights are about how she's been chatting with you and possibly other dudes,....maybe he is not the big bad bf who she is claiming him to be. 1
vanhalenfan Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 There's this girl who I have started to feel things for...the okay problem is that she has a boyfriend. We text everyday and I tell her all the time that I just want to take her out and she says that's she wishes I could be cause she wants me to take her out but she only says know because she has a BF. She has been with him for 4 years, he left her once for another girl but she took him back about 2 years ago. Lately they have been arguing a lot and she has been crying and him not really doing much about it. She says that he loves him more than he loves her and that she doesn't feel appreciated. She says that if she didn't have a BF that she would have ran to me no problem and be happy but feels like she can't just break up with him right away cause she feels like she can't just throw it all away like that. Two days ago they fought for 20 minutes leaving her crying and at the point of breaking up with him...I told her to just leave him and to figure out what she really wants. But all she says is that she doesn't want to feel pressured into just breaking up with him like that because he wasn't always like that. She says that he's not the same, that things won't be the same as they were before with him. She's really the glue holding them together. She calls me every night and says that she loves talking to me because I make her smile, I make her feel better and her worries go away. She says that she knows what she should (break up with him) but doesn't want to do it cause they were together for a while.... What can I do? You need to leave her be; she has a boyfriend. There is a big stink of disrespect all around the air of this situation. Leave her to deal with her relationship issues. I like how someone called you her emotional tampon, that's exactly it.
Author Kylemopar Posted June 9, 2016 Author Posted June 9, 2016 No I don't make it a habit. The first one was actually my best friend who I have feelings for and hers were mutual we just never told each other how we felt. But this new girl says she's just not ready to break up with him so soon just because I gave her a pep talk. She says that even she knows she should break up with him but is afraid of the whole grieving process.
Author Kylemopar Posted June 9, 2016 Author Posted June 9, 2016 Here's her problem. She is in love with the guy he was pretending to be in the early stages of dating when most guys are on their best pretend behavior. She thinks that is the real him. You need to explain to her that everyone is on their best pretend behavior in the first year of dating because they want to win the girl but that the real person comes out as time goes by and that that the most recent version of him is closest to his real personality and that he will continue to be worse and worse as she puts up with him. The most recent version is the more real version, not the early version. Good luck. I like how you actually help instead of being so negative like everyone else. She has told me that she wants me and would love to date me but she doesn't want to get pressured into breaking up with him just because I seem perfect to her so far.
Cinnamonstix Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Here's her problem. She is in love with the guy he was pretending to be in the early stages of dating when most guys are on their best pretend behavior. She thinks that is the real him. You need to explain to her that everyone is on their best pretend behavior in the first year of dating because they want to win the girl but that the real person comes out as time goes by and that that the most recent version of him is closest to his real personality and that he will continue to be worse and worse as she puts up with him. The most recent version is the more real version, not the early version. Good luck. I think you'll come off as manipulative and she will feel even more pressured (and thus turned off) if you explain to her what is wrong with her relationship. She will need to figure things out on her own and end things on her own timelines. Besides, the very same logic can apply to you: you're still on your best behaviour. Focus on those that are ready and available to date. When and if she is ever ready and available and you are too, maybe you will have a go at things then, but right now is not the time.
thelastunicorn Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 If she wanted to break up with her boyfriend she would do it. Also, how are you sure she's not stringing along a bunch of other guys for attention or won't do the same thing to you that she's doing to her current boyfriend? Also I hope no one ever calls me "perfection." That made my skin crawl. 1
Buddhist Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I like how you actually help instead of being so negative like everyone else. She has told me that she wants me and would love to date me but she doesn't want to get pressured into breaking up with him just because I seem perfect to her so far. Everyone here is trying to help you by not feeding you the illusion that this story has a happy ending for you. Ignore us if you will, that's your right I'm sure we'll see another thread here from you in due course. 1
preraph Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I like how you actually help instead of being so negative like everyone else. She has told me that she wants me and would love to date me but she doesn't want to get pressured into breaking up with him just because I seem perfect to her so far. Thank you, but I can certainly be judgy at times. One thing you will have to keep in mind about this woman, though, is that she is building this relationship with you while being in a relationship already. Which means she will likely have the capacity and perhaps even inclination to do the same thing to you, you know, keep fishing in the pond for replacements. Not always, but sometimes that does happen. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Surely if she was perfection she would be single, wouldn't she?
joseb Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Thank you, but I can certainly be judgy at times. One thing you will have to keep in mind about this woman, though, is that she is building this relationship with you while being in a relationship already. Which means she will likely have the capacity and perhaps even inclination to do the same thing to you, you know, keep fishing in the pond for replacements. Not always, but sometimes that does happen. Yip, this is a good reason to avoid her. That and the fact that after a four year relationship she isn't ready for another one and anyone would be just a rebound. Now, if you are just looking to get laid and dont care about long term, and the bf isn't likely to punch your lights out, and you enjoy the whole drama then maybe hang in there. Or you could go out tonight and find a nice single girl. Up to you. 2
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