Rupp Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I have been seeing a girl for about 2 months. We go on at least one date every week, sometimes up to 4-5 when we're not busy. We stay over at each others' places at least once a week. We hold hands, kiss, etc. etc. No sex yet, but everything up to that point. We have established exclusivity, but we aren't "together". Thing is...she's being very hard to read. Sometimes I feel like she's really into me and sometimes I feel like she pulls back for whatever reason. I feel like I'm ready to make things official. We pretty much are without the title. She has told me she'd like to take things "very slow" because she's had bad experiences rushing into relationships before. She has told me this as recent as 3 weeks ago. She has always stressed to me the importance she places on communication. My issue is...I'm extremely resistant to rejection due to past relationships. I shut myself off and do almost anything I can to avoid it. It's so hard for me to talk about my feelings because I'm afraid that I'm further along and I'll feel rejected. I really like her and I'm afraid that if I tell her I'm ready to make it official she'll tell me she's not ready/it's too soon, I'll feel like a jackass, she'll pull back even more, and I'll feel like I'm chasing her and pushing her away. What do I do? Fear of rejection is an awful, awful curse. 1
Buddhist Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I have been seeing a girl for about 2 months. We have established exclusivity, but we aren't "together". How does that actually happen? I mean seriously. You are both dating each other and no-one else so ergo.....you ARE together. This extremely weird and artificial way of classifying relationships is nothing short of ridiculous. You are either in a relationship together or your aren't. There are no halfway houses here where we pretend to be in a relationship but don't call it a relationship because we like lying to ourselves about what it is we are actually doing. This is the major problem for a start. Neither of you actually want to admit that you're in a relationship, why? Thing is...she's being very hard to read. Sometimes I feel like she's really into me and sometimes I feel like she pulls back for whatever reason. Could it be because you are in a relationship but both pretending that you aren't and so you are both caught in a perpetual insecurity loop about what you are to each other? I think so. She has told me this as recent as 3 weeks ago. Oh jeez....not 3 weeks ago! How much longer do you intend on waiting? Until the next winter solstice? My issue is...I'm extremely resistant to rejection due to past relationships. I shut myself off and do almost anything I can to avoid it. It's so hard for me to talk about my feelings because I'm afraid that I'm further along and I'll feel rejected. This is not just you. This is everyone who has ever lived in the history of humanity. Sure you can tell yourself a little story about what a special snowflake your are because you 'suffer' from the completely normal and common experience of not wanting to be rejected. But at the end of the day relationships require vulnerability. If you can't manage it, you can't be in one. I really like her and I'm afraid that if I tell her I'm ready to make it official she'll........ It doesn't actually matter what you put on the end of that sentence. Do you know why? Because you are searching for excuses as to why you can't be in a relationship. Not just with this girl but every single woman you ever meet. There is always a story for why you just can't do it. That is what you would do well to discover the reason for. What do I do? Fear of rejection is an awful, awful curse. You realise that fear of rejection is the normal condition of humanity. That there isn't one single person on the planet who doesn't suffer from this 'awful curse'. Stop blowing this up into some dire situation. And just realise the truth. This whole story is a giant excuse for you just not wanting to be in a relationship. I know you don't want to be in one because if you did, you wouldn't be where you are now. Teetering on the brink of a relationship that you just won't let happen. Rather than projecting this into some 'awful curse' that you're a victim of. Just realise that there is a reason why you don't want a relationship and that reason is strong enough that it prevents you from being in one. Then, stop involving other people in your projecting and go away and answer that question instead. 4
Author Rupp Posted June 9, 2016 Author Posted June 9, 2016 ^^ 1) Who peed in your cheerios today? I'm asking for some friendly advice, not to be the subject of your insulting rant. 2) I think it's just the opposite, somewhat. I think I want to be in a relationship with this girl so badly that I'm afraid of scaring her away if she thinks it's too soon. I'm trying to walk on eggshells, in a way. 2
Buddhist Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 (edited) ^^ 1) Who peed in your cheerios today? I'm asking for some friendly advice, not to be the subject of your insulting rant. Oh you meant you wanted someone to agree with you, and then give you some comforting words. Well hang about a minute or two I'm sure said person will be along in time. BTW if you think it's insulting then you can report it with the little button on the bottom of the post. Edited June 9, 2016 by Buddhist 1
basil67 Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 We're ALL afraid of rejection. Well, any of us who don't suffer from over inflated egos that is. That said, there are ways to minimise rejection - mainly by saving yourself for someone who really wants you. Don't poke around waiting for someone who's so damaged that they have you dancing on eggshells for fear of pushing them away. If you want her, tell her you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend. If she wants to be with you, she will accept. And if she says "no", then it's because she's just not that into you and you'll know you need to move on. Lastly, I agree that her weird mood changes are directly related to the uncertainty of whatever it is you have. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Guy, you gotta do this, if you like her that is. You will have another regret behind you if you don't do it. We've all been hurt in some way by others, but you gotta do this if you want something to happen in a positive direction with her. You'll be happy that you did ultimately. If you don't, you'll regret that even moreso than if you didn't try. 1
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 Yes, we all fear rejection. I'm at the same stage in my non-defined "relationship" now and having a hard time taking that next step because I fear being more vulnerable and the possibility of rejection... I would say, he probably thinks the same of me (and I think the same of him) because we are doing this weird dance of uncertainty... Wanting to take the chance, then pulling back, etc... It's just part of the game and part of the fun. If you tell her and it's meant to be, it will be... Good luck to you. 1
GemmaUK Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 (edited) Thing is...she's being very hard to read. Sometimes I feel like she's really into me and sometimes I feel like she pulls back for whatever reason. What is her behaviour when she seems into you and also when you eel she is pulling back exactly? Examples of her behaviour and what she says at these two different points would be helpful. Edited June 9, 2016 by GemmaUK 1
Author Rupp Posted June 11, 2016 Author Posted June 11, 2016 What is her behaviour when she seems into you and also when you eel she is pulling back exactly? Examples of her behaviour and what she says at these two different points would be helpful. When she seems into me she will...cuddle up to me on the couch often, grab my hand to hold it, initiate a kiss more often, texts are more enthusiastic, etc. When she seems like she's pulling back she will...basically not do any of those things. She'll sit on the couch with me and be a foot away, be more aloof and not initiate much physical contact, have short texts, etc. Can't figure out what it is. She'll be one way for a few days and another the next few days. Sometimes longer periods and sometimes shorter.
Recommended Posts