So totally

[Confused_swm]

I am having a little bit of a rough time lately and I just wanted to get it off my chest and maybe even get some helpful suggestions.

I am really into a female friend of mine. Until recently we were just acquaintances, but we had been running into each other a lot and there is definitely a connection. I feel drawn to her and she is very attractive.

 

She texted me about a month ago about a festival she thought I would like and we ended up going together. We spent the whole day together. Not long after that she asked to come hang out at my place. We had a good time. Next day she invited me to her place.

 

Since then we've been doing things together, going out to eat, going to see bands, usually spending hours at a time with each other, etc.

It's all been pretty date like, but not dates.

 

We always sit close to each other, lots of touching and smiling and leaning into each other to talk. She has never turned me down when I ask if she wants to go somewhere or hang out.

Our mutual friends have been asking about us because we are always together. They have told me that they have never seen her act like this towards anyone.

 

I've been really feeling like it's a mutual thing.

I tried to kiss her when we were hugging and parting ways, just a peck on the cheek. She leaned away from me. I said goodbye and we both left. I felt a little rejected, but then she text me thanking for the drinks and a kiss emoticon. Which she has never sent before.

 

Ok, guess she still is interested and I caught her off guard.

We've hung out a few times since then and it's pretty much the same as before.

 

She talked about us with a mutual friend, one that apparently really wants to see us together. She mentioned that she was not sure she could be with anyone and said something to the effect of she hopes that she isn't leading me on....

This really got to me. I thought, maybe she just wants a friend, but obviously she feels that something more is there to even mention leading me on.

 

I'm really getting more and more into her the more we are together and now I'm worried that I am going to be hurt about it.

We are going to an event together this weekend and a sports game next weekend, these are both group events. I think I am going to ask her about going on a date, and call it a date so there's no doubt.

 

I am worried that I am going to push her away though.

I don't know what to do.

She is such a great match for me.

Maybe I should just continue what we have been doing and go super slow. She hasn't had a boyfriend in a decade...

 

I just wanted to let it all out, maybe help the anxiety.

Thanks

Edited June 9, 2016 by Confused_swm

[Gloria25]

I think you really need to talk to her...

 

I mean, yeah, I hear you're scared to push her away, but if you don't make a move...you're gonna end up in the permanent "friendzone" (where you already are in). I mean, if you don't have the talk with her then you're still screwed. You're gonna continue to be "that guy" who orbits around some chick waiting for that "chance" (like in the movies) where one day she and you share this magical kiss and kick it off romantically. Sorry, but once you accept to be "that guy" (the orbiter/friendzoned guy) you don't come out of it (99% of the time).

 

I mean, you tried to kiss her and she pulled away. Not a good sign. She expressed to friends fear of not "leading you on". So, I don't know, sounds like she enjoys your company and doesn't want anything romantic. Sorry.

 

But, out of curiosity, why hasn't she gotten with a guy in so long? Sounds like she may really be into you, but something's going on with her to keep you at a distance. I'm not asking this to encourage you to continue seeing her, I'm just curious. Cuz, you could be the best guy ever - but, if she is hurt and/or coming from a bad place you and ANY guy is always gonna be her "friendzoned" guy.

 

So, talk to her, if she doesn't wanna see you after that - then so be it. At least you're teaching her a lesson that she needs to poop or get off the pot with you (or any guy). You're no "emotional tampon" for her or any woman. Maybe you putting your foot down and having a spine might waken her up to take a chance and stop hiding behind the friendzoning of a great guy - like you.

[smudge21]

I'm thinking the same, that maybe it's not what she wants right now (probably nothing to do with you). In that case, I would talk to her direct about it. If she makes it clear she can only see you as a friend, then you have to decide if you can handle just being her friend. It will be awkward for her as you've been friends for a while, but you have to be honest with yourself when it comes to this stuff. You can't bottle up feelings and you never should. We just all sometimes develop feelings and it's out of our control. It's a tough call and it will be hard if she says no, but clearing the air is better than the alternative of living in limbo.

[Buddhist]

Sorry but the pulling away from a peck on the cheek and then that conversation about 'leading you on' are clear indicators that this is friendship for her, nothing else. Those were her indirect ways of telling you.....it's not going to happen. If your heart is getting involved pull back now because this will end badly.

[Confused_swm]

I'm going to talk to her the next time we're alone together.

 

I just don't want to be only looking for positive affirmations and ignoring the signs that say "just friends".

It's actually hard to do when you want something so badly.

I guess the fact that she became more flirty and initiated contact more after the attempt at kissing her just made me more confused.

I think that something is holding her back and maybe she is confused herself. I don't know. She did mention to our friend about wondering if it would be awkward for her being around my x wife if we were to start dating. They know each other, but aren't close or anything.

But then that told me that she has thought about the possibility of dating me.

 

It just goes back to talking to her about it, before my head explodes. Lol

 

Thanks everyone.

I needed a reality check, don't want to be that guy, living in a fantasy until it comes crashing down and I'm left devastated.

[Confused_swm]

 

But, out of curiosity, why hasn't she gotten with a guy in so long? Sounds like she may really be into you, but something's going on with her to keep you at a distance. I'm not asking this to encourage you to continue seeing her, I'm just curious. Cuz, you could be the best guy ever - but, if she is hurt and/or coming from a bad place you and ANY guy is always gonna be her "friendzoned" guy.

 

I can't answer that because I honestly don't know. It's never come up and I only know this from mutual friends who all feel the need to volunteer information like that.

I don't know what happened in her previous relationships, guess I should ask her. I should say that she is dealing with some major issues and stress in her life, but they started long after she stopped having boyfriends.

[preraph]

She hopes she isn't leading you on means she's leading you on. She is afraid she can't be with anyone means she's either into someone else she's hoping will deploy or she's got some emotional problems preventing her from wanting to kiss a guy good night.

 

It's not good. Keep dating other women and don't make her your focus. She's not perfect for anyone, much less you.

[Toodaloo]

This is just friends. She is not in any way into you romantically and you were friend zoned a long time ago...

 

If it was friends and she was unsure then she would have followed up and encouraged you after you tried to kiss her. She didn't. She then went on to tell others that she is not romantically interested in you.

 

Sorry but you do not need to chat to her about it. You do need to fade away and start getting interested in other girls.

[tillwemeetagain]

I am having a little bit of a rough time lately and I just wanted to get it off my chest and maybe even get some helpful suggestions.

I am really into a female friend of mine. Until recently we were just acquaintances, but we had been running into each other a lot and there is definitely a connection. I feel drawn to her and she is very attractive.

 

She texted me about a month ago about a festival she thought I would like and we ended up going together. We spent the whole day together. Not long after that she asked to come hang out at my place. We had a good time. Next day she invited me to her place.

 

Since then we've been doing things together, going out to eat, going to see bands, usually spending hours at a time with each other, etc.

It's all been pretty date like, but not dates.

 

We always sit close to each other, lots of touching and smiling and leaning into each other to talk. She has never turned me down when I ask if she wants to go somewhere or hang out.

Our mutual friends have been asking about us because we are always together. They have told me that they have never seen her act like this towards anyone.

 

I've been really feeling like it's a mutual thing.

I tried to kiss her when we were hugging and parting ways, just a peck on the cheek. She leaned away from me. I said goodbye and we both left. I felt a little rejected, but then she text me thanking for the drinks and a kiss emoticon. Which she has never sent before.

 

Ok, guess she still is interested and I caught her off guard.

We've hung out a few times since then and it's pretty much the same as before.

 

She talked about us with a mutual friend, one that apparently really wants to see us together. She mentioned that she was not sure she could be with anyone and said something to the effect of she hopes that she isn't leading me on....

This really got to me. I thought, maybe she just wants a friend, but obviously she feels that something more is there to even mention leading me on.

 

I'm really getting more and more into her the more we are together and now I'm worried that I am going to be hurt about it.

We are going to an event together this weekend and a sports game next weekend, these are both group events. I think I am going to ask her about going on a date, and call it a date so there's no doubt.

 

I am worried that I am going to push her away though.

I don't know what to do.

She is such a great match for me.

Maybe I should just continue what we have been doing and go super slow. She hasn't had a boyfriend in a decade...

 

I just wanted to let it all out, maybe help the anxiety.

Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

if you never ask the answer is always a NO. so you might want to start doing your move to speak to her and ask what is the real score. or if yo can atleast court her... goodluck

[Betrayed&Stayed]

There is a Seinfeld episode that mirrors your situation. Especially the "she hasn't had a boyfriend in a decade" part. For Jerry, he couldn't figure out why no one had been dating this seemingly perfect woman.

 

Two things:

 

1 - WHY has she not had a boyfriend in a decade? Is that a red flag? Does she have intimacy issues?

2 - Time to have the LDTR talk (Let's Define The Relationship)

 

Good luck

[Just a Guy]

Hi confused, as the saying goes 'Nothing ventured nothing gained'! Your only option is to boldly ask her and if her answer is no, she does'nt want a romantic relationship then back off and decide if you want to continue a friendship with her or not. More importantly look out for somebody else with whom you can hitch your wagon! Warm wishes.

[Confused_swm]

If it was friends and she was unsure then she would have followed up and encouraged you after you tried to kiss her. She didn't. She then went on to tell others that she is not romantically interested in you.

 

 

That's the thing, she became more flirty and initiated more contact after the attempt. Also she had the conversation before I tried to kiss her....

 

I really like her as a friend but it's only been a month, not like we've been friends for years or anything. I'm going to have a talk with her about it. What's there to lose?

Edited June 9, 2016 by Confused_swm

[smudge21]

That's the thing, she became more flirty and initiated more contact after the attempt. Also she had the conversation before I tried to kiss her....

 

I really like her as a friend but it's only been a month, not like we've been friends for years or anything. I'm going to have a talk with her about it. What's there to lose?

 

My "friend" did similar and even went further but would always push away the following day. Her words said it was only ever friends, but her actions betrayed them. Eventually it was clear I was hanging in limbo and had become addicted to her, so I found it hard to walk away when I should've done. By the time the intimate moments vanished and it was clear what it was, I was hooked and found it hard to see her as just a friend anymore. Save yourself that hurt and ask her direct. I think Toodaloo is right as to what this is, but I also think that you will be over thinking this for ages until you clear the air. It will be a moment of hurt, but better that than months of it.

[Confused_swm]

My "friend" did similar and even went further but would always push away the following day. Her words said it was only ever friends, but her actions betrayed them. Eventually it was clear I was hanging in limbo and had become addicted to her, so I found it hard to walk away when I should've done. By the time the intimate moments vanished and it was clear what it was, I was hooked and found it hard to see her as just a friend anymore. Save yourself that hurt and ask her direct. I think Toodaloo is right as to what this is, but I also think that you will be over thinking this for ages until you clear the air. It will be a moment of hurt, but better that than months of it.

I fear that you are right, in many ways. I can already tell that if it keeps going like this I'm going to have a hard time distancing myself. She's asked to hang out today, so I'm going to talk to her about it.

This was a really helpful read.

Thank you all

[Toodaloo]

That's the thing, she became more flirty and initiated more contact after the attempt. Also she had the conversation before I tried to kiss her....

 

I really like her as a friend but it's only been a month, not like we've been friends for years or anything. I'm going to have a talk with her about it. What's there to lose?

 

Well you will lose her anyway either way. Either to another man or because you move on because this is going no where. So no you have nothing to lose but you also have nothing to gain because there is nothing here.

 

My "friend" did similar and even went further but would always push away the following day. Her words said it was only ever friends, but her actions betrayed them. Eventually it was clear I was hanging in limbo and had become addicted to her, so I found it hard to walk away when I should've done. By the time the intimate moments vanished and it was clear what it was, I was hooked and found it hard to see her as just a friend anymore. Save yourself that hurt and ask her direct. I think Toodaloo is right as to what this is, but I also think that you will be over thinking this for ages until you clear the air. It will be a moment of hurt, but better that than months of it.

 

Exactly as Smudge says. She is leading you on and using you as practice when a guy she does want comes along.

 

You need to fade away - she will carry on contacting you for attention every now and then so you need to sometimes bother answering, sometimes not then gradually make the not botherings more often. You need to stop going out with her and you need to divert your attentions else where. You need to get busy with other things.

 

This way no bridges are burnt, you have not made a fool of yourself so there is no awkwardness when you meet at mutual friends parties etc. You just get on with your life.

 

Sorry Confused but that is the way it is.

[Liam1]

I am having a little bit of a rough time lately and I just wanted to get it off my chest and maybe even get some helpful suggestions.

I am really into a female friend of mine. Until recently we were just acquaintances, but we had been running into each other a lot and there is definitely a connection. I feel drawn to her and she is very attractive.

 

She texted me about a month ago about a festival she thought I would like and we ended up going together. We spent the whole day together. Not long after that she asked to come hang out at my place. We had a good time. Next day she invited me to her place.

 

Since then we've been doing things together, going out to eat, going to see bands, usually spending hours at a time with each other, etc.

It's all been pretty date like, but not dates.

 

We always sit close to each other, lots of touching and smiling and leaning into each other to talk. She has never turned me down when I ask if she wants to go somewhere or hang out.

Our mutual friends have been asking about us because we are always together. They have told me that they have never seen her act like this towards anyone.

 

I've been really feeling like it's a mutual thing.

I tried to kiss her when we were hugging and parting ways, just a peck on the cheek. She leaned away from me. I said goodbye and we both left. I felt a little rejected, but then she text me thanking for the drinks and a kiss emoticon. Which she has never sent before.

 

Ok, guess she still is interested and I caught her off guard.

We've hung out a few times since then and it's pretty much the same as before.

 

She talked about us with a mutual friend, one that apparently really wants to see us together. She mentioned that she was not sure she could be with anyone and said something to the effect of she hopes that she isn't leading me on....

This really got to me. I thought, maybe she just wants a friend, but obviously she feels that something more is there to even mention leading me on.

 

I'm really getting more and more into her the more we are together and now I'm worried that I am going to be hurt about it.

We are going to an event together this weekend and a sports game next weekend, these are both group events. I think I am going to ask her about going on a date, and call it a date so there's no doubt.

 

I am worried that I am going to push her away though.

I don't know what to do.

She is such a great match for me.

Maybe I should just continue what we have been doing and go super slow. She hasn't had a boyfriend in a decade...

 

I just wanted to let it all out, maybe help the anxiety.

Thanks

 

Hi Confused:

 

I have a different take on this situation. Perhaps she is what is known as "asexual." You can google this, but typically it is a person who is not sexually attracted to anyone. They are simply not interested in sex.

 

They often do want a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex but without sex.

 

It is more common than people know.

 

The fact that she said she does not know if she can be in a relationship with anyone is a clue.

 

My college roommate dated a beautiful women who acted exactly as you describe. He, too was extremely confused, as was everyone else who saw them together because they seemed to be a "couple" by everyone's observation.

 

She eventually revealed her issue. They eventually broke up because he wanted to have a normal relationship. One that included sex.

 

I think the best way to find out what is going on is to bluntly ask what type of relationship she is expecting.

 

I would suggest you attempt to kiss her again and if she pushes you away, that would be a good time to ask if she wants to be friends or a relationship.

 

It could also be that she wants to remain a virgin until she marries and when you kiss, she is afraid it will lead to sex.

 

So just ask. Why prolong your anxiety.

 

Whatever her answer is you will then be fully informed and you will then be able to make an intelligent decision about whether or not to continue seeing her.

 

Best of luck.

 

Just remember, if she is "Asexual" do not take it personally. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness, only that she is not sexually attracted to the opposite sex.

 

She obviously likes you. But do you want to just be friends?

[Confused_swm]

Well you will lose her anyway either way. Either to another man or because you move on because this is going no where. So no you have nothing to lose but you also have nothing to gain because there is nothing here.

 

 

 

Exactly as Smudge says. She is leading you on and using you as practice when a guy she does want comes along.

 

You need to fade away - she will carry on contacting you for attention every now and then so you need to sometimes bother answering, sometimes not then gradually make the not botherings more often. You need to stop going out with her and you need to divert your attentions else where. You need to get busy with other things.

 

This way no bridges are burnt, you have not made a fool of yourself so there is no awkwardness when you meet at mutual friends parties etc. You just get on with your life.

 

Sorry Confused but that is the way it is.

Not trying to be rude, but it's hard to take advice from someone who is so certain about this situation. There is no it may be this way, or it's very possible that this is going on, etc. You just say "this is the way it is", and it's hard to take it seriously. It almost seems trollish...

[smudge21]

Not trying to be rude, but it's hard to take advice from someone who is so certain about this situation. There is no it may be this way, or it's very possible that this is going on, etc. You just say "this is the way it is", and it's hard to take it seriously. It almost seems trollish...

 

I wouldn't call Toodaloo's words trollish - like everyone on here, she is giving you her opinion. And as a female, she can probably see it better than you or I can. I agree with what she says, that this is probably nothing more than friends, and coming off my own situation, I hope you can walk away from this without going through what I did. Good luck.

[Confused_swm]

I wouldn't call Toodaloo's words trollish - like everyone on here, she is giving you her opinion. And as a female, she can probably see it better than you or I can. I agree with what she says, that this is probably nothing more than friends, and coming off my own situation, I hope you can walk away from this without going through what I did. Good luck.

you see, you agree with her that this is PROBABLY nothing more than friends. She never says that, probably never enters into the equation...

 

Well you will lose her anyway either way.

 

.....

You need to stop going out with her and you need to divert your attentions else where. You need to get busy with other things.

 

.....

Sorry Confused but that is the way it is.

So many people in this thread suggest asking or talking to her, or just finding out so I won't always be wondering or dealing with "what ifs". That seems like great advice.

For me I can't just walk away not knowing or not talking to her about it because Toodaloo says "that's the way it is".

I am grateful for the responses from everyone, some were more helpful than others.

[Confused_swm]

Hi Confused:

 

I have a different take on this situation. Perhaps she is what is known as "asexual." You can google this, but typically it is a person who is not sexually attracted to anyone. They are simply not interested in sex.

 

They often do want a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex but without sex.

 

It is more common than people know.

 

The fact that she said she does not know if she can be in a relationship with anyone is a clue.

 

My college roommate dated a beautiful women who acted exactly as you describe. He, too was extremely confused, as was everyone else who saw them together because they seemed to be a "couple" by everyone's observation.

 

She eventually revealed her issue. They eventually broke up because he wanted to have a normal relationship. One that included sex.

 

I think the best way to find out what is going on is to bluntly ask what type of relationship she is expecting.

 

I would suggest you attempt to kiss her again and if she pushes you away, that would be a good time to ask if she wants to be friends or a relationship.

 

It could also be that she wants to remain a virgin until she marries and when you kiss, she is afraid it will lead to sex.

 

So just ask. Why prolong your anxiety.

 

Whatever her answer is you will then be fully informed and you will then be able to make an intelligent decision about whether or not to continue seeing her.

 

Best of luck.

 

Just remember, if she is "Asexual" do not take it personally. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness, only that she is not sexually attracted to the opposite sex.

 

She obviously likes you. But do you want to just be friends?

This has actually crossed my mind, and I need the sexual dynamic of a relationship, so if it's the case it won't work for me.

[Confused_swm]

So now I know

The attraction is mutual.

:-)

 

Last night went well

[Gloria25]

Hi Confused:

 

I have a different take on this situation. Perhaps she is what is known as "asexual." You can google this, but typically it is a person who is not sexually attracted to anyone. They are simply not interested in sex.

 

They often do want a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex but without sex.

 

It is more common than people know.

 

The fact that she said she does not know if she can be in a relationship with anyone is a clue.

 

My college roommate dated a beautiful women who acted exactly as you describe. He, too was extremely confused, as was everyone else who saw them together because they seemed to be a "couple" by everyone's observation.

 

She eventually revealed her issue. They eventually broke up because he wanted to have a normal relationship. One that included sex.

 

I think the best way to find out what is going on is to bluntly ask what type of relationship she is expecting.

 

I would suggest you attempt to kiss her again and if she pushes you away, that would be a good time to ask if she wants to be friends or a relationship.

 

It could also be that she wants to remain a virgin until she marries and when you kiss, she is afraid it will lead to sex.

 

So just ask. Why prolong your anxiety.

 

Whatever her answer is you will then be fully informed and you will then be able to make an intelligent decision about whether or not to continue seeing her.

 

Best of luck.

 

Just remember, if she is "Asexual" do not take it personally. It has nothing to do with your attractiveness, only that she is not sexually attracted to the opposite sex.

 

She obviously likes you. But do you want to just be friends?

 

I'm sorry, but I don't believe in "buzzwords" (i.e. "bi-polar", "asexual", etc.). There's "something" going on with her why she wants male company w/o engaging in sex. Probably some guy broke her heart, probably she thinks she's ugly/unlovable, probably her dad didn't give her enough hugs as a kids, probably she was sexually assaulted in her lifetime.

 

Problem with these "buzzwords" is that people can just hide behind them and leave hurt, offended people in their wake; never take responsibility for themselves/their actions; and, never get the healing they probably need.

 

So, let's call her "asexual" and that means you (or some other poor sap) is supposed to accept her "as is" and be her emotional tampon. Good, then leave her to be "asexual" all day and go meet a nice woman who isn't so into herself and is willing to repair herself for "herself" and so that she can be a "giver" in a RL and not a "taker"...cuz, all she's doing here is "taking" your attention and holding back intimacy - which you and any healthy man would need.

[Liam1]

So now I know

The attraction is mutual.

:-)

 

Last night went well

 

That is great to hear.

 

IMO, the direct approach is always the best approach, when it comes to dating.

 

Glad you found out the attraction was mutual.