hew Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I need help. I feel stuck and I also feel terrible. My boyfriend of 4 months now has lived with me the past 1 month. Before you say it yes I know thats a very fast moving relationship I know. He's someone I've known for the past 10 years and he got a job offer down in my area so we figured why not try it out. It seems to be working for him, he loves me and tells me all the time to which I don't even want to say it back sometimes. He tells me I'm his rock, his everything and basically said to me before he would kill himself if we weren't together. I feel depressed. I don't like living with him, I have to convince myself almost every day I'm doing the right thing by staying with him because I don't want to break his heart or hurt his feelings or worst of all have him hurt himself. I feel like a terrible person. How could I let someone move into my apartment and a month later ask them to leave. How could I lie to someone and say yeah I want a future with you when in reality I don't. I feel so so so terrible. I feel like I can't leave, the blame would all be put on me and I would be made out to be a really bad person. I know the typical response I will hear is "its best to leave now before you spend the next 3 years unhappy in a relationship and to just walk away then and hurt him even more." I just feel like I need some serious advice. Im not truly happy, I love him as a person but I don't think I'm truly in love. It sucks because I feel in the end I'm going to lose him as a friend but if it means I get to continue on with my life being single and continuing to work on myself its needed. I guess it was a live and learn situation. Just not sure what to do, I feel weak right now, I don't have a back bone in this situation and I feel like my own happiness and well being is on the line for someone else.
Dis Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 I think you need to first realise you have really poor boundaries...now would be the time to start setting some...for his good and yours Second...if he says hes going to hurt himself if he loses you...he is in no postition to be in a relationship I know you have grown to care for each other but his well being is his responsibility...not yours. I would have a talk with him and tell him its no longer working and he needs to move out....I would also give him a date in which he needed to be gone...just make sure you give him enough time so he can line up another place to live This is clearly an unhealthly relationship...you would only be hurting him and yourself if you didnt put an end to it Theres no easy out here hun...sorry Side note: Pls know that if he threatens to hurt himself you need to call the police as his threats may not be empty 2
Buddhist Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 - basically said to me before he would kill himself if we weren't together. Yeah emotional manipulation is never pretty on anyone. Not only that but his extreme dependence is probably a total turn off. I feel depressed. I don't like living with him, I have to convince myself almost every day I'm doing the right thing by staying with him because I don't want to break his heart or hurt his feelings or worst of all have him hurt himself. I feel like a terrible person. How could I let someone move into my apartment and a month later ask them to leave. How could I lie to someone and say yeah I want a future with you when in reality I don't. I feel so so so terrible. Well that rock and hard place only exists in your head. It's actually much easier to say to him, look this isn't working for me I want to break up than it is to keep lying to him every single day and lead him to believe that there is something growing where there isn't. I feel like I can't leave, the blame would all be put on me and I would be made out to be a really bad person. Because you actually care more about some superficial image than you do about being an authentic person. Maybe he will blame you. So what? Where's the blame in saying you don't enjoy the relationship? It sucks because I feel in the end I'm going to lose him as a friend but if it means I get to continue on with my life being single and continuing to work on myself its needed. I won't pussy foot around here. It's highly likely to totally certain you will lose him as a friend. That's just the way it tends to go when we confront someone with, actually I don't love you. But what kind of friend are you to lead him on? You've already lost the friendship, that went out the window the instant you started lying to yourself and him about how you really feel. I feel weak right now, I don't have a back bone in this situation and I feel like my own happiness and well being is on the line for someone else. No-one gets strong by capitulating when things get hard. 2
californiablonde Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I think some important questions need to be raised. Are you the type of person that takes a lot of time to fall in love? Were you happy before he moved in? Is your unhappiness caused because you feel like he is invading your space and just need some time? Or is it a combination of the two. It can very hard living with someone, especially someone you are romantically involved with. So it is very likely because the relationship is still relatively new and you hadn't established boundaries before he moved it is even more difficult to create that dynamic now that he living there. The whole idea of him killing himself if you were not around is not a good sign and puts a lot of pressure on you. Does he do this a lot because I can see why you would begin to feel depressed and stressed out.If you don't love him now why do you think that is going to change. The real advice is if you are not happy you need to end it or if nothing else step back and go back to him living somewhere else. In a way you lying and its hurting him and yourself. Its not going to get any better if you keep this going somewhere down the line your resentment will boil over and will you to blow up at him or some other ugly situation will unfold. The truth of the matter is even if this doesn't play out that way he already said he will kill himself without you- a big sign of instability- so despite whatever you try if you break up with him now or later you are probably going to lose him anyways. Be honest with yourself and him.
Emilia Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 It seems to be working for him, he loves me and tells me all the time to which I don't even want to say it back sometimes. He tells me I'm his rock, his everything and basically said to me before he would kill himself if we weren't together. I feel depressed. I don't like living with him, I have to convince myself almost every day I'm doing the right thing by staying with him because I don't want to break his heart or hurt his feelings or worst of all have him hurt himself. I feel like a terrible person. How could I let someone move into my apartment and a month later ask them to leave. How could I lie to someone and say yeah I want a future with you when in reality I don't. I feel so so so terrible. I feel like I can't leave, the blame would all be put on me and I would be made out to be a really bad person. I know the typical response I will hear is "its best to leave now before you spend the next 3 years unhappy in a relationship and to just walk away then and hurt him even more." I just feel like I need some serious advice. Im not truly happy, I love him as a person but I don't think I'm truly in love. It sucks because I feel in the end I'm going to lose him as a friend but if it means I get to continue on with my life being single and continuing to work on myself its needed. I guess it was a live and learn situation. Just not sure what to do, I feel weak right now, I don't have a back bone in this situation and I feel like my own happiness and well being is on the line for someone else. Gosh I wonder why you feel depressed. It must be a huge weight to live with someone who is leaning on you SO MUCH emotionally. Not only a complete turn off (how is your sex life?) but it's just so incredibly unfair. He is taking advantage of you OP. No-one, not your mother, your brother, your best friend, has the right to ignore your boundaries this much. You also owe it to yourself to set and enforce your boundaries. This is a codependent relationship: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
Gaeta Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I feel like I can't leave, the blame would all be put on me and I would be made out to be a really bad person. So? Take it like a grown woman. You made a mistake, admit to it, and move on. Let him huff and puff he'll be fine. Break ups are hard for everyone - the dumper and the dumpee but it still needs to be done.
Versacehottie Posted June 10, 2016 Posted June 10, 2016 I know the typical response I will hear is "its best to leave now before you spend the next 3 years unhappy in a relationship and to just walk away then and hurt him even more." I just feel like I need some serious advice. Im not truly happy, I love him as a person but I don't think I'm truly in love. Yeah, that kind of response is thrown out quite regularly, too easily. HOWEVER, it is accurate than your situation. THIS IS THE SERIOUS ADVICE. The alternative is that you can say to him that you think you moved in too soon and a step back would be in order. Take some space, let him get his own place; create his own life so he is less dependent on you, and keep dating. Maybe what you are unconsciously struggling with is that you just feel smothered but that deep down you think if the relationship had its time to develop at a slower pace you would be in love with him and not miss out on a great person. Not going to lie though that usually if it has "turned" where you think you love him but are not "in love" with him that's a hard thing to come back from. I do think if you do this option you shouldn't drag it out too long (a few months max). You would want to give the relationship a fair chance, to thrive in an environment that is compatible to where you are in you progression together. Just realize he may not be able to overcome being "rejected" when you ask for a step back. There would be a lot to "survive". I think I know a relationship or two that has been able to do this. Ok, the reality is that if I am "hearing" what you are saying and that it's not just feeling really smothered and frustrated about that. I think the potential for love is gone--so the kindest thing you COULD do is break up. For yourself, for him. Give yourselves a chance to find the best people for you. Don't drag it out if that's how you feel (there's no chance to be in love with this person). Good luck.
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