Keira1231 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I have been dating long enough to know that sometimes, guys just loose interest/get worried about commiting and then for all intents and purposes dissapear. I get that. But just when you think you've experienced it all, something else comes along to stump you; I was working i a different city for several weeks. I had some work colleagues to go out with, but I thought it would be nice to date someone while away to show me around the local sites and as someone to socialize with. So I meet someone online and we have a date. He's quite cute and fun, we get on really well. I bring him back to my hotel (not something I had ever done before after a first date!) He knows i'm only in the area a short time and that nothing long term is likely to come out of it. The second date is great fun also, he plans it really well. comes back to mine. The third date, again, he puts a lot of thought into and it's fun. we spend the afternoon in my room, we order some food, watch movies etc. It's really comfortable and fun, we are just really at ease with each other in general and there's no pressure because it's not going to be serious. He tells me about his fairly recent ex - he doesn't seem totallyover her, but they broke up a while ago and he seems ok with it. Then after this really fantastic evening, he suddenly withdraws. He takes ages to respond to texts and is suddenly super busy. Coincidentally he is only free the night I have told him I can't see him. He knows it's my last week in the city. I got the gut feeling he was in two minds about seeing me, but decided not to. I was bummed because we had fun, but thought that was just the natural course of things. So I have reconciled to never speaking to him again, when on my way home he texts and says he'd like to stay in touch. He tells me he was just busy and it's not that he didn't want to see me.. for the next couple of months we text and call etc. etc. Then I tell him I am visiting again for work for one week. He contacts me last minute the day I travel up to see if im free to meet up for a drink at a certain time, almost as if he wants to see me but is sort of hoping i'm not able to. I tell him I cant because of flight times etc. So we arrange to meet one night. I'm busy too, so we agree that he'll come over to mine and we'll hang out and watch a movie in my room. On the day we had planned, he texts me early on to ask what the plan is. everything is all set for me to meet him at a specified time. He tells me he's looking forward to seeing me, but the general tone of his texts is like someone who is in two minds. Half an hour after the time he is supposed to be here, he texts me an apology to say he can't make it because he injured himself (which I don't believe). so my question is this; I could tell he liked me, we had a lot of fun, there was no pressure for commitment... so why the heck did he withdraw?!?! Why was he so conflicted about spending time with me?!
frus69 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 You seem to think without commitment, the "relationship" is supposed to go smoothly. I don't know why you think this because truth is the opposite. He didn't withdraw per Se. He is just inconsistent. Because that's exactly what happens when there is no commitment. One day he is going to disappear maybe even without giving you an explanation because again, this is what happens when there is no commitment. I don't know why you expect him to focus on you only and be consistent and be available since there is no commitment. Of course he has two minds, he probably has multiple minds and is seeing multiple women. He probably canceled on you because someone else became available and he is more interested in her. 1
Author Keira1231 Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 why wouldn't it go smoothly? If two people like each other and have fun with expectations to complicate it, why should it not be smooth and easy? I'm not expecting consitency either -I can't predict when i'll be in his city. He's not seeing other women, certainly not multiple women.
kendahke Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) Some people have separation anxiety to the point where they feel that if they aren't the ones in control of doing the leaving, they're going to lose their minds or whatever... I think that he's not over his ex and she's still hovering to the point where he makes up excuses to not see you instead of telling you "you know my ex that I'm not completely over? Yeah she called so I'm going to go hang with her." I mean, it's not like he's going to tell that to someone he's really not in a relationship with, but is just hanging out, "netflix and chillin'". Just 3 dates and they all ended up in your room. You have no status here--you're really just a chick he has no-strings-attached sex with when she's in town. He may attach more to sex than you care to at this point and is way more conflicted about his feelings about himself and his ex if he's doing this with you. He may not have thought of himself as being "that" guy. Edited June 8, 2016 by kendahke
Author Keira1231 Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 I think that he's not over his ex and she's still hovering to the point where he makes up excuses to not see you instead of telling you "you know my ex that I'm not completely over? Yeah she called so I'm going to go hang with her." I mean, it's not like he's going to tell that to someone he's really not in a relationship with, but is just hanging out, "netflix and chillin'". You have no status here--you're really just a chick he has no-strings-attached sex with when she's in town. I agree he's not over the ex, but as far as im aware, she is indifferent to him now and she was the one who broke up with him. I got the impression he didn't even like her much as a person, more that it was a massive hit to the ego. and no, I didn't have a status, but I do think he genuinely liked me. So if you liked someone and there was no pressure, why not just go along with it?
frus69 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 why wouldn't it go smoothly? If two people like each other and have fun with expectations to complicate it, why should it not be smooth and easy? I'm not expecting consitency either -I can't predict when i'll be in his city. He's not seeing other women, certainly not multiple women. Two people like each other at the beginning and the interest level will either go high or low, not gonna maintain the same. If it goes high, guess what, you will want commitment/relationship. If you don't want it, chances are interest is fading and I'm afraid it's the case with him. He likes you enough to kill time when he's bored but soon as other interesting things come up he will ditch you. Besides I don't know why you think he's not seeing anyone else.
kendahke Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I agree he's not over the ex, but as far as im aware, she is indifferent to him now and she was the one who broke up with him. However, that doesn't touch his feelings about what happened, how it went down and how he was left feeling about himself. I got the impression he didn't even like her much as a person, more that it was a massive hit to the ego. That sounds more like bravado to me. and no, I didn't have a status, but I do think he genuinely liked me. So if you liked someone and there was no pressure, why not just go along with it? Because this may have more to do with how he feels about himself doing this than it does about you. Doesn't matter how easy you make it for him: at the end of the day, he has to look himself in the eye and live with himself and if he feels that he isn't the kind of guy who has meaningless sex when it's on offer, he may be in the grips of inner conflict over how this behavior makes him feel about the construct he's built that is his self esteem. Some things don't pan out. This is one of them. Enjoy what you had and look for someone else who doesn't have any qualms about smashing with no strings attached. 1
O'Malley Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 My guess is that he's directing his energy elsewhere (towards his recent ex, another woman, or just something else that he values) and maintaining a connection with you isn't a priority for him at this point. You're acquaintances not friends, he's not going to be upfront with you about his reasons. This was an "in the moment" thing for both of you, where you have to let go of expectations of investment of time or emotions. Sometimes that's easier said than done when you perceive a stronger connection than the other person feels. You can enjoy emotional and sexual chemistry with someone that you know isn't right for you at that time; that seems to be the case with this guy. Wish him well and find someone who's more compatible with your style. 1
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