Can't get over break up after 6 months of being back together

[JustAGal1]

First off, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years (June 30th) so these problems have been like waves- coming and going.

 

That being said,

I know how ridiculous the title sounds but let me explain my logic.

It's about trust.

I've realized that Its hard for me to trust my boyfriend with my heart in general. From the first time he said "I love you" and after he has broken up with me twice.

 

The first time he said "I love you" I didn't trust him with my heart because a few months into the relationship I was telling him something (personal) I thought would be a deal breaker at the time. His response was that he loves me and that he wouldn't break up with me. The next day when he never brought it up again I realized it was a mistake and he didn't mean it. It broke my heart because I did love him and I opened up my heart to him when he was just faking it. I felt vulnerable and I felt that the first "I love you" was ruined. I realized I gave too much importance on moments I thought that were suppose to be special. I decided that It shouldn't matter anymore. Ever since then I have this feeling that I love him more than he loves me. Despite that on our one year anniversary he said he loved me and I said it back but not really feeling it. He wanted our one year anniversary to be special by him confessing his love but in my heart I didn't feel it. I didn't want to give him my heart all over again because at that point I didn't believe he loved me. For almost half a year I still wouldn't believe him, maybe I didn't want to trust him again, maybe I didn't want to believe someone loved me, I don't know but I simply did not. Eventually I did by giving him credit for his actions that proved he loved me. Lately, I sometimes feel like he dons't love me again. I don't know if it's my trust issues, my self-esteem, that I don't want to believe him. I dont know.

 

Moving on...

 

The first time he broke up with me was when I opened up to him about my past with depression. He opened up to me as well so we hugged, cried, shares our stories, ect. By the end of it I felt closer than ever before. After that long day he broke up with me. He broke up with me after we had poured our hearts out to each other. I did not expect that and i felt rejected. That same day he pleaded to get back together and we did and he apologized.

 

The second time was November 2015, it was the worst month in years. It absolutely shattered me to my core. I was absolutely miserable. I can't begin to describe how completely devastated I was. I felt dead inside. I felt depression ingulf me like i was nothing. I can't begin comprehending even now how I felt back then because there is not enough words to describe or a accurate way to describe my experience with it. It was a nightmare but when I woke up it's like I didn't believe It was over.

 

Let me get into what exactly happened that month...

I wanted to go to Mexico to visit my family since I go every year (but I didn't go last year) so I decided to invite him and I had a gut feeling that inviting him and opening up my heart to him he would reject me. Well he did. We got into a horrible fight that night and after a few days we talked and seemed to be doing better but said he wanted a break because he needed space. We both agreed we wanted to get back together after the break. I made the mistake of calling him on our date night even when we weren't suppose to talk. That night is when he told me he had given it more thought and he wanted to break up. I thought we were getting back together, we were on the same page and for him to break up with me without any warning was a shock. That was the night my nightmare truly began. I had uncontrollable panic attack that night, i was a storm of chaos. The next day my sister said I should not talk to him anymore so that if he wants you he will come to you and that I should not be sad for someone who doesn't want me. I did that for the whole November. After just two days of not talking to him he begged me to take him back, constantly calling all day, leaving my heart breaking voice mails, him sobbing telling me he will wait, telling me he will give me time to heal, ect. At the time, I was happy to hear him want me but It slowly started killing me how I was touring him and myself. I was depressed. I couldn't eat and would force myself to. For three days and I only ate a banana and on the third day all hell broke loose. The third day of not eating I began non stop puking. My parents took me to the hospital that night and they gave me about three bags of IV and anti nausea medicine. At the hospital I was still puking my own bile and I could not sleep because of the pain I was in. The did some tests on me and the doctor determined I had anemia and possibly ulcers in my stomach from not eating. I was devastated and felt guilty for treated my body this way even though I didn't have the will to eat, I caused his pain upon myself. That is something I haven't been able to let go ever since because I left myself down for someone who I thought loved me. I choose being depressed over a guy than my own well being. I know depression is crippling but I just wish I could have been stronger and I wasn't. I can't trust my heart with my boyfriend because I can't forgive myself the damage I caused myself In trusting him.

 

I cannot go back to that. That is why I cannot forget. That is why I can't let go of the break up.

 

He did apologize for everything when I started talking to him again after November. He did eventually ask to be with me again and promised me he would be fully committed in this serious relationship. But these past three months I have been very paranoid that he is going to break up with me and I sometimes want to end it to stop worrying so much about it. The break up seems inevitable and I dont trust him, I think he wants to break up even though he says he dosnt. I don't allow myself to have good, happy moments with him anymore because I dont want to one day lose them. I think, I want to break up with him because I want to stop torturing myself with the thought of him breaking up with me and being a mess again. I want to get it over with. I think about it once or twice a day about what happened in November.

 

Now every time we argue I don't try fighting for him because i feel like it is out of my control if he breaks up with me again but I can control how much I invest in the relationship. If I argue I care, but if i stop arguing, I can stop caring and investing in something that is doomed to fail anyways. It's easier to stop caring about someone now than to have to go through what we went though again. It's not worth it.

 

I dont' know how to get over it, someone, anyone please help.

[Giggles666]

//I dont' know how to get over it, someone, anyone please help.//

 

No contact, time, and work through it. You need to control your own situation and there is no instant or easy fix. Cut him off, take the time to move on and heal, and take control of your own life where you can. This is an area you can control.