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My gf says she need to start stay away from me in order to get back with her ex

Mike91

By Mike91
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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CupCakess Established Member

CupCakess

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Guys, I've stopped answering her messages and so forth. I told her that I cannot stand to be the second choice, especially when the first one is a guy whom she already broke up with, and she's constantly complaining about him with me.

 

I don't even understand why she wants him back, but as I told her yesterday, at this point I simply don't care. It doesn't make any sense and I told her "good luck, because you'll need it".

 

Thank you so much for all your answers! I hope I'll cope well with this.

 

Well done. But be careful. She might try to string you along by saying she is not sure about what she wants.

 

What I don't get is this whole plan she has. As if she has some sort of timeline in her head, designed to when to get back to her ex.

 

It is very probable that, until she is ready, she will keep contacting you. Ignore her.

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Mike91 Member

Mike91

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Well done. But be careful. She might try to string you along by saying she is not sure about what she wants.

 

Yeah, that's exactly what she's doing. She says that she wants to try working out things with her ex one more time.

 

Basically, that's how it works: she wants to go back with him in order to see if she really loves me (?), because if she's really going to miss me even with the ex around, she'll get back to me.

 

I think I might have a headache.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

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Yeah, that's exactly what she's doing. She says that she wants to try working out things with her ex one more time.

 

Basically, that's how it works: she wants to go back with him in order to see if she really loves me (?), because if she's really going to miss me even with the ex around, she'll get back to me.

 

I think I might have a headache.

 

Absolutely ridicilous. She just wants to keep you as a fallback in case it doesn't work with the ex. That's how much she values you.

 

It would be best to block her and move on. I don't see you possibly having anything mature or healthy in the future with this woman, if you're hoping she'll come back.

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CupCakess Established Member

CupCakess

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Yeah, that's exactly what she's doing. She says that she wants to try working out things with her ex one more time.

 

Basically, that's how it works: she wants to go back with him in order to see if she really loves me (?), because if she's really going to miss me even with the ex around, she'll get back to me.

 

I think I might have a headache.

 

Thats just insane. I really don't get it... whats the deal, is her ex married or something? - never seen a girl so cruel as to string someone along like that.

 

To be honest this is the most weird situation I've ever heard or read about. You shouldn't even feel sad for her leaving. You should be happy, it is clear you re dodging a huge bullet here.

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Mike91 Member

Mike91

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@Zahara, CupCakess:

 

It seems to me that she never really got over her ex, and now she's basically accusing me that I'm the reason why she totally forgot about him.

 

They were broken up for a year and a half before meeting me, but she was probably still thinking about him. Now she's saying that, since I gave her everything she needed at the time, she got used to me because of the way I treat her.

 

She says that she doesn't know if she really loves me or if she's simply staying with me for the way I make her feel and because I've everything the ex didn't have. And the only reason to understand that is to go back with him and see which of the ones she'll miss the most.

 

I feel like sh*t to see the woman I love accusing me of "because of the love you gave me, you even reached the point of making me totally forgot about my ex!". What should I say? "I'm so sorry that I love you so much"?

 

During the last weeks together, everyday she would be saying things like "everyday spent with you is so beautiful that I basically removed my ex from my life completley. I don't want to! I'm starting to dream everything with you, and I can't do that."

 

I really don't know what to say.

Edited by Mike91
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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Thank you so much for all your answers! I hope I'll cope well with this.

 

 

I think you will, as there is no ifs, buts and maybes here. Splits with a clear cut reason e.g. he cheated, she lied, he stole from me, she was impossible to live with, etc are a lot easier to deal with than "I am just not feeling it", or other wishy washy reasons for a split.

In clear cut cases, there is no other real option but to move on, so we just get on with it and don't look back as it was NEVER going to work.

"She wants to get back with her ex", is a pretty clear cut reason too.

You will be fine.

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keiji Established Member

keiji

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So when she meets somebody new she'll go back to you as well? And then to the previous guy in a never-ending accumulation cycle? This is the most ridiculous and surreal situation I've read about over here by a million miles. Her lack of empathy is such that I tend to think she has some serious mental issues going on. If I were you, I'd never speak to her again. Never.

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hippychick3 Established Member

hippychick3

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What a cruel and heartless person she is to say what she's said to you. You deserve far better than that. Any guy who ends up with her is getting the short end of the stick. Their life will be miserable.

 

Count your blessings that she was so cruelly honest.

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Mike91 Member

Mike91

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Her lack of empathy is such that I tend to think she has some serious mental issues going on.

 

I think that as well. She's also always unstable about what she feels and the like.

 

One day she can tell you "I love you", and then a few hours later she's talking about going back with her ex. Just like that.

 

When I ask her why she's constantly saying things that she obviously doesn't feel (because you can't love me and want to go back with your ex at the same time), she always reply "When I told you that I love you, I really meant that. That's what I was feeling in that particular moment, and I just said it."

 

So, here's the thing (base on her own words): she doesn't lie to me about her feelings, she really says what she's feeling at the moment, with the only problem that the moment after she'll be feeling something else...

Edited by Mike91
keiji Established Member

keiji

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I think that as well. She's also always unstable about what she feels and the like.

 

She reminds me of my latest ex-girlfriend in this respect. She's so immature and so lacking in empathy that she'd say the cruelest things and always found a justification for doing so: "That painting you made is awful"; "That shirt you bought is ugly"... "I've been sleeping with someone since we broke up. I don't feel anything for him, but...". But she told me anyway. Believe it or not, she always finds justification for her behavior. Even her friends were fed up with her unwarranted cynicism. She's the only person I've ever told "I want nothing to do with you". I think you should do the same. Never give her a chance, even of friendship. She'll hurt you as a friend too. I considered my ex quite heartless, but that girl... Jesus. It's too much.

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Mike91 Member

Mike91

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She reminds me of my latest ex-girlfriend in this respect.

 

Wow, I'm sorry. It feels exactly like my situation.

 

She also has that attitude of constantly praise how "loving and caring and cute" I'm, and how "we're so good together". But then she'll still talk about her ex (of which she's always complaining about it).

 

I don't even know how to call this.

Edited by Mike91
CupCakess Established Member

CupCakess

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Wow, I'm sorry. It feels exactly like my situation.

 

She also has that attitude of constantly praise how "loving and caring and cute" I'm, and how "we're so good together". But then she'll still talk about her ex (of which she's always complaining about it).

 

I don't even know how to call this.

 

Well, she might have seen you as the opposite of her ex, and used you to get what she always wanted in a relationship.

 

I really don't get how someone can be so cruel, but you should realise she is not worth crying a single tear.

 

According to your timeline, she's been broken up with him for like 2.5 / 3 years and is still talking and complaining about her relationship with him. She is trying to pin the blame on you, deflecting her own insecurities to you. To be fair, you should have noticed this early on, but given she was your first real relationship it is understandable you ignored it.

 

But the truth is you shouldn't take this anymore. Walk away. Ignore her. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

sooshi Established Member

sooshi

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Like what a few others have said, this is quite something. I know it's hard when you love someone like you love her, but it sounds like she is really only thinking about herself--her wants, her needs. She isn't truly factoring in your feelings.

 

I know it's hard, but it's time to stand up tall and walk away from this--this being complete disrespect for you.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
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@Zahara, CupCakess:

 

It seems to me that she never really got over her ex, and now she's basically accusing me that I'm the reason why she totally forgot about him.

 

They were broken up for a year and a half before meeting me, but she was probably still thinking about him. Now she's saying that, since I gave her everything she needed at the time, she got used to me because of the way I treat her.

 

She says that she doesn't know if she really loves me or if she's simply staying with me for the way I make her feel and because I've everything the ex didn't have. And the only reason to understand that is to go back with him and see which of the ones she'll miss the most.

 

I feel like sh*t to see the woman I love accusing me of "because of the love you gave me, you even reached the point of making me totally forgot about my ex!". What should I say? "I'm so sorry that I love you so much"?

 

During the last weeks together, everyday she would be saying things like "everyday spent with you is so beautiful that I basically removed my ex from my life completley. I don't want to! I'm starting to dream everything with you, and I can't do that."

 

I really don't know what to say.

 

Your posts show three things. 1. You're a decent bf. 2. You are sane. 3. She's totally manipulative.

 

It's hard when people we love show that they haven't a clue how to love you in return.

dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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I think that as well. She's also always unstable about what she feels and the like.

 

One day she can tell you "I love you", and then a few hours later she's talking about going back with her ex. Just like that.

 

When I ask her why she's constantly saying things that she obviously doesn't feel (because you can't love me and want to go back with your ex at the same time), she always reply "When I told you that I love you, I really meant that. That's what I was feeling in that particular moment, and I just said it."

 

So, here's the thing (base on her own words): she doesn't lie to me about her feelings, she really says what she's feeling at the moment, with the only problem that the moment after she'll be feeling something else...

 

Sounds like a Cluster B personality type.

 

I was diagnosed with a Cluster B personality disorder and went for therapy.

 

But truly, the "i meant it when I said it at the time" is almost the anthem of my people. :laugh:

 

A lot of folks that go on to cheat relentlessly and remorselessly use that line etc.

 

Not great at taking responsibility for their emotional state.

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Mike91 Member

Mike91

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Sounds like a Cluster B personality type.

 

I should give a look into it. How should I behave towards something like this?

 

Anyway, the only fact that she may really go and do certain things with her ex, after being with me for all this time, simply makes me sick... I couldn't even look her in the eyes, if she'd do that.

 

I also can't stand the fact that she'd really prefer a relationship with a guy that she's always complaining about it, instead of being with me.

 

You can't help people that doesn't want to be helped. I told her many times that she should go to therapy, and I'm willing to do every step with her. Having a problem is not an excuse. If you really care about something, you'll do everything to overcome any problem. If not, it means that you're okay with how things are.

 

I offered my help in so many occasions that at this point I don't really know if there's anything left to do.

Edited by Mike91
keiji Established Member

keiji

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You're kicking a dead horse. There's nothing in there. Immaturity and selfishness invariably go hand in hand. You got hurt once and if you try to fix the unfixable, it will happen again. Let her go.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Posted
I should give a look into it. How should I behave towards something like this?

 

She is no longer your problem, leave that for her ex to sort out (he may be her ex for exactly that reason).

You cannot fix her, she needs to do that by herself if indeed she wants to be fixed.

 

She may have all sorts of serious mental health issues, but she could just be immature and she will learn not to treat people like this.

 

BUT as for you, keep walking.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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OP, the most important question here is:

 

Why are you tolerating this?

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Simon Phoenix Established Member

Simon Phoenix

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How should I behave towards something like this?

 

Easy, you detach from it completely. No more contact with this woman immediately.

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dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

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I should give a look into it. How should I behave towards something like this?

 

Anyway, the only fact that she may really go and do certain things with her ex, after being with me for all this time, simply makes me sick... I couldn't even look her in the eyes, if she'd do that.

 

I also can't stand the fact that she'd really prefer a relationship with a guy that she's always complaining about it, instead of being with me.

 

You can't help people that doesn't want to be helped. I told her many times that she should go to therapy, and I'm willing to do every step with her. Having a problem is not an excuse. If you really care about something, you'll do everything to overcome any problem. If not, it means that you're okay with how things are.

 

I offered my help in so many occasions that at this point I don't really know if there's anything left to do.

 

How do you act toward someone like this?

 

If you are a qualified therapist with firm boundaries being paid to deal with it, you provide therapy.

 

If you are a family member or responsible guardian, you fight to get her a diagnosis and proper therapy so she doesn't go around destroying people and being unable to form healthy, long-term relationships.

 

Otherwise, you RUN and go NC with Cluster B.

 

Because they will Cluster-f*** you if they aren't treated.

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CupCakess Established Member

CupCakess

Posted
Posted
I should give a look into it. How should I behave towards something like this?

 

Anyway, the only fact that she may really go and do certain things with her ex, after being with me for all this time, simply makes me sick... I couldn't even look her in the eyes, if she'd do that.

 

I also can't stand the fact that she'd really prefer a relationship with a guy that she's always complaining about it, instead of being with me.

 

You can't help people that doesn't want to be helped. I told her many times that she should go to therapy, and I'm willing to do every step with her. Having a problem is not an excuse. If you really care about something, you'll do everything to overcome any problem. If not, it means that you're okay with how things are.

 

I offered my help in so many occasions that at this point I don't really know if there's anything left to do.

 

The weird part is that she hasn't gone back to her ex yet, as if she is waiting for the right time to do so, and on the mean time dragging you along.

 

And the longer you stay with her, the worse it will be for you. Have you broken things off completly and gone no contact, or are you still involved with her?

Laydback1 New Member

Laydback1

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Hey bud, at least shes honest! I mean ur not going to be blindsided if she does it. That would hurt more. My ex blind sided me. We were together 3 years and i thought we felt the same way about each other but i found out she was with me cause i did all the work in the relationship. She wasnt willing to meet me half way. My advice to u is since shes being so honest u be honest and tell her theres no u if she leaves for someone else and ask her if she loves u? To be honest shes honest and thts good but its kind of disrespectful to tell u tht. My opinion. Hope it helps.

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Mike91 Member

Mike91

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Have you broken things off completly and gone no contact, or are you still involved with her?

 

I've basically stopped replying to her, but still reading what she writes to me.

 

Anyway, I can't really wrap my head around what she's thinking. One of the weirdest thing she told me was that she wanted me to leave her as her bf (but still remains friend), so that she'll be completely free to trying to go back with her ex.

 

Basically, she wants me to leave her so that going back with her ex will be the only option for her. She wants me to help her get over me. She told me something like "if you leave me, it would be easier for me, because I'd know that being together is not an option. but you need to do it, because having you around only makes me confuse".

 

I really don't get it. You need my help to go back with the person you want to be with? It should be easy for you, since you want to stay with him. Why leaving me is so difficult that I've to do it for you? :\

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I've basically stopped replying to her, but still reading what she writes to me.

 

Anyway, I can't really wrap my head around what she's thinking. One of the weirdest thing she told me was that she wanted me to leave her as her bf (but still remains friend), so that she'll be completely free to trying to go back with her ex.

 

Basically, she wants me to leave her so that going back with her ex will be the only option for her. She wants me to help her get over me. She told me something like "if you leave me, it would be easier for me, because I'd know that being together is not an option. but you need to do it, because having you around only makes me confuse".

 

I really don't get it. You need my help to go back with the person you want to be with? It should be easy for you, since you want to stay with him. Why leaving me is so difficult that I've to do it for you? :\

 

OP, you won't be able to make sense of her.

 

Your and her circuits, processing and thought patterns are fundamentally different. There is no point trying to wrap your mind around this. An ex-boyfriend of mine was diagnosed with a personality disorder and it was similarly mind-boggling. He refused treatment of any kind. But a therapist described it to me this way: imagine you only speak English and she only speaks Swedish. Despite wanting very badly to, you won't be able to understand her language.

 

It is time to cut her out of your life. You are going to get badly hurt.

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