Witholding # of sex partners?

[lvgrl]

Originally posted by ImaManDammit

Your comment seems alittle contradictory. First its the past and leave it beleive but then you say it gives insight. Then 20-30 is unacceptable but they probabaly did in their youth so as you get older its ok??

 

No, I never said that, I was just stating that for a woman to be upset because the man she loves slept with 23 people from the time he was 17-21 was in his younger years, im sure you have done things that you are not so happy with either..But you cant take them back, so why dwell on it?

 

I just think people should accept people for the whole package and not for things they like or dislike.

 

 

 

 

This somewhat contradicts what you said above. If in conversation they say they slept with 20-30 people, then what? So does the number having meaning or not?

 

And yes it does contridict what I said, I never said I was one way or another on this topic I am allowed to have mixed feelings about it, its all part of an opinion buddy..

 

 

[mental_traveller]

Originally posted by lvgrl

But as far as 20-30 being an acceptable number and everyone who disagrees is wrong..well that just sounds like a pile of crap. So you mean to tell me that if your partner told you that he/she has slept with over 20 people and you would be okay with that?

 

It would depend on the circumstances, but in general I would have no problem with it. Why would it bother you?

[ImaManDammit]

Originally posted by lvgrl

No, I never said that, I was just stating that for a woman to be upset because the man she loves slept with 23 people from the time he was 17-21 was in his younger years, im sure you have done things that you are not so happy with either..But you cant take them back, so why dwell on it?

 

Sure I did things like skip school smoked, stayed out instead of studying. All of which I am not proud of today, but this topic is a little different.

 

Also The years you mention is probabaly the most influencial when develping the adult you become, so I don't necessarily agree that just because you are younger your excused. It also means, to me, that this is the framework you exist on today.

 

I just think people should accept people for the whole package and not for things they like or dislike.

 

That all depends. If one of the dislike is based on a value you hold, then I don't think you can dismiss it.

 

And yes it does contridict what I said, I never said I was one way or another on this topic I am allowed to have mixed feelings about it, its all part of an opinion buddy..

 

o·pin·ion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-pnyn)

n.

 

A belief or conclusion held with confidence but not substantiated by positive knowledge or proof: “The world is not run by thought, nor by imagination, but by opinion” (Elizabeth Drew).

 

So the opinion is? Its ok or is not ok or are you saying its up to the individuals involved? Just trying to clarify.

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by lvgrl

Past is past people need to leave it at that, its not like people are still humping all of those people, and older people who have slept with that many people it was probably in their younger years and so they should still be punished by their partener for it?

 

The past is the past. But sometimes those numbers aren't from the past. It could still be an ongoing problem. That's why it's not about the numbers themselves. That's really just more of a starting point than anything. The explanation behind the numbers is important. It gives you an idea of what they are like now, how they were in the past, what they've learned from their past, and whether they've actually changed or if they're going to repeat their same mistakes.

 

If a person says they slept with 50 people, and can tell you why they did it, whether they feel it was right or wrong, what made them realize what they were doing something wrong, and how they changed, then that's a pretty good indicator that the past is, in fact, in the past. And if a person really has come to terms with their past, believes the number is a problem, and changed their behavior, you shouldn't have to pull this information out of them. They'd want to explain their high number on their own.

 

Of course, all that is if you have a problem with the type of behavior that generally leads to high numbers. If you think it's perfectly acceptable, then it wouldn't be important to you to know the person wasn't going to behave that way again.

 

For example, if the OP has a high number and they just say, "I've had bad luck in relationships," it's a pretty good indicator that there's something you want to watch out for with that person, because they don't even see it as a problem and you do (if you do, which I would). Also, if the person just says, "I was sowing my wild oats and it was when I was younger," it would be a perfectly fine answer. However, I don't think that would be a person for me, because that person thinks 'sowing oats' is acceptable behavior, and I don't. If you think it's acceptable, then that explanation would be perfectly acceptable to you to start a relationship with that person. And maybe you wouldn't even want to know the person's history at all, because you expect everyone to have just gone through a phase of 'sowing oats'. Of course, that's making an assumption about the person instead of really trying to get to know who they are...

 

Also, if the OP doesn't try to explain or elaborate on their number (whether high or low), it also gives you a good idea about whether they were lying and just making up a number to shut you up.

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by lvgrl

No, I never said that, I was just stating that for a woman to be upset because the man she loves slept with 23 people from the time he was 17-21 was in his younger years, im sure you have done things that you are not so happy with either..But you cant take them back, so why dwell on it?

 

The reason to 'dwell' on it is to see if that person has learned from their mistakes and will not repeat them.

 

I just think people should accept people for the whole package and not for things they like or dislike.

 

That makes no sense. The things you like and dislike are part of the whole package. If you don't like an important part of the package in a potential mate, then you don't have to get involved with that person. The whole point of the discussion is to find out whether the person is someone with whom you'd want to be involved.

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by crazy_grl

The reason to 'dwell' on it is to see if that person has learned from their mistakes and will not repeat them.

 

 

 

That makes no sense. The things you like and dislike are part of the whole package. If you don't like an important part of the package in a potential mate, then you don't have to get involved with that person. The whole point of the discussion is to find out whether the person is someone with whom you'd want to be involved.

 

I think she means not to over emphasize a particular thing.

 

To me, the high body count just is what it is, and it doesn't matter whether our particular relationship looks like it could last forever or not, or that the person "isn't that kind of person" anymore. Hopefully they are not in any event. It just goes into the mix of making them comparatively less attractive than she otherwise would be.

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by Cecelius

I think she means not to over emphasize a particular thing.

 

Okay. But it's also a bad idea to under emphasize a particular thing. If someone's values about sex aren't compatible with yours, that's a pretty big deal. It's not a minor detail like the fact that they're a neat freak or they sometimes have wrinkles in their clothes.

 

To me, the high body count just is what it is, and it doesn't matter whether our particular relationship looks like it could last forever or not, or that the person "isn't that kind of person" anymore. Hopefully they are not in any event.

 

IMO, that approach works perfectly well for a casual relationship, but not for one that you want to be serious. Just hoping that someone is the way you want them to be is not a good approach to relationships. If you do that, you can't be upset when the person turns out not to be what you hoped and cheats on you or surprises you with the fact that they only have open relationships. If you'd talked to the person about that in the beginning instead of hoping, you'd have known you two weren't compatible and saved yourself a lot of pain and heartbreak.

 

You get into a lot of trouble just hoping that your partner has specific values and morals without talking to them to find out. And I think there's no better way to find out about their values than to talk about their past.

 

It just goes into the mix of making them comparatively less attractive than she otherwise would be.

 

With this statement, it sounds like you're not asking about their history because you don't want to find something that would potentially eliminate the person as a partner. To me, that's the opposite of what you should do to go about finding someone who's right for you.

[lost_in_chgo]

Originally posted by lvgrl

Past is past people need to leave it at that, its not like people are still humping all of those people, ....

 

A point here, while past is past, the information on history could be useful.

 

For instance, my ex wasn't very good in bed, having never experienced an orgasm, it was just something she felt she had to do as part of the relationship. I asked her a bit about her history, in particular if her ex husband was her first. I know he wasn't the only one, as she had cheated on him once while drunk at a party, but I felt that maybe too many years with a complete loser skewed her expectations.

 

She would not answer the question. To me that read as either yes he was the first and for some reason that embarassed her, or no, she was the high school whore. I had no idea which. But it seemed to me that unless she spent a whorific youth (hehe) drunk every time, she would've run across someone while whoring that accidently pushed the right button, or who actual gave a damn and she would've enjoyed herself a bit more. I felt that the ex was the first, but couldn't really discuss it with her if she wouldn't talk. If we had been able to discuss it more openly, I might have been able to get her to understand that every sexual relationship was like theirs and that there were other things she was supposed to feel.

 

As it was, I had to try to lead her there blindly. We got her alot closer, but she always ran away (literally jumped out of bed and ran) when things started to build. She ended things before I was able to teach her that and I've no doubt that she has no idea what an orgasm feels like (though she thought she was having one).

 

So the point is, the question in and of itself is not something that serves no purposes in all cases, and not every guy will ask it out of insecurity. Consider that and the guy and be vague if you must, but giving an indication is a good idea, so that he knows where he stands at least. It's going to come out eventually anyway, so why not get it over with.

[lvgrl]

Ok, yes as I said the past is the past..BUT I was thinking of all the times that I have ever wanted to know something about a boyfriends past and it bothered me. For example the person I am with now, seems to mention his ex alot and it bothers me and I feel a little jelous just because she had a part of him that I feel like I dont have, or that he talks about his past and it just gets to me..

 

So I now understand that the past is not just the past, it does effect the present.

 

Someone asked if I thought that 20-30 wouldnt be an acceptable number to me, and as far as my standards go,no..I dont think that in my opinion that I would be okay with a person I am with (depending on the level of the relationship) to have been with 20-30 people. Now if we were on a second date and the converstation came up I dont think it would bother me as much as if we were 6 months into the relationship and its the first I have heard of, of him being with 20-30 people. Yeah it would bother me.

 

And when I said that people should accept people for the whole package and not things they like or dislike, Yes I agree that those little things that we like or dislike are all apart of the whole package, But I think that some not all but some people base or change their mind about someone based on how many people they have been with, or they didnt come from a weathly background etc....

 

Example: boy meets girl he tells her right off the bat he has been with 15 people, she is disgusted with his past and doesnt progress anything with him, she is judging the book by its cover and not letting him get to show him self to her just because she found a dislike and stuck with it. Some people cant see past certin things and thats fine, but I just think too many people are too judgemental nowdays and for the people who are the victoms to this, they dont ever get to experience the full effects of a relationship because people cant get past their past.

 

And if none of this makes sense to any of you, it made sense to me when I wrote it, so I guess thats what matters? eh?

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by lvgrl

Example: boy meets girl he tells her right off the bat he has been with 15 people, she is disgusted with his past and doesnt progress anything with him, she is judging the book by its cover and not letting him get to show him self to her just because she found a dislike and stuck with it. Some people cant see past certin things and thats fine, but I just think too many people are too judgemental nowdays and for the people who are the victoms to this, they dont ever get to experience the full effects of a relationship because people cant get past their past.

 

I both agree and disagree. If a person hears the number and is immediately turned off without listening to anything about it, then that person is judging based on what may be solely in the past, not necessarily who that person is now. Immediately finding someone unappealing based on their number is pretty superficial.

 

However, if they listen to that person's story and explanation, but don't like what they hear, then that's basing it on who that person currently is and what type of relationship that person is likely to offer.

[XNemesisX]

I see what you are saying.

 

Actually, this topic is what first brought me to LS almost 2 years ago!

 

My boyfriend at the time and I were SO disgusted by eachothers past...I think that it had a LOT to do with the eventual demise of the relationship.

 

But let me tell you something I have learned from this.....being alone and miserable is not a better life than being with someone you love (regardless of how many sex partners).

 

Have a gut wrenching break up and you start to see things differently. Now, I don't want to know about anyones past and I don't want a rerun of my last relationship that went awry over telling too much info. I learned from that mistake.

 

In a perfect world we would meet the one we are destined to be with at a young age and never have experiences with other people and just live happily ever after. Ha! That sure ain't reality....

[crazy_grl]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

But let me tell you something I have learned from this.....being alone and miserable is not a better life than being with someone you love (regardless of how many sex partners).

 

alone != miserable. relationship != instant happiness. You can be just as miserable and more with someone you love as you can be alone. For example: if the person you love is an addict, habitual cheater, etc.

 

Have a gut wrenching break up and you start to see things differently. Now, I don't want to know about anyones past and I don't want a rerun of my last relationship that went awry over telling too much info. I learned from that mistake.

 

Gut wrenching break-ups are the reason that I believe you should know about a person, including their past, before you get emotionally involved with them. Too many times I've chosen to ignore too many things, not ask enough questions, and not really know who the person I was falling in love with truly was. And they didn't know who I was. If a person wants to be with me, they'll have to accept the bad with the good, and accept the fact that I'm putting the bad behind me and see me for who I am now. If they're someone who's disgusted by it and can't see past the past, they're not the right person for me.

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by crazy_grl

I both agree and disagree. If a person hears the number and is immediately turned off without listening to anything about it, then that person is judging based on what may be solely in the past, not necessarily who that person is now. Immediately finding someone unappealing based on their number is pretty superficial.

 

However, if they listen to that person's story and explanation, but don't like what they hear, then that's basing it on who that person currently is and what type of relationship that person is likely to offer.

 

I was going to disagree, but in all, I agree with this. If your girl banged 20 dudes before you, but that was 10 years ago, yes she is probably less attractive to you than she otherwise would be, but it was also 10 years ago.

 

If she banged 20 dudes and the last one was last month, the past is really blending into the present...

[lost_in_chgo]

Originally posted by crazy_grl

I both agree and disagree. If a person hears the number and is immediately turned off without listening to anything about it, then that person is judging based on what may be solely in the past, not necessarily who that person is now. Immediately finding someone unappealing based on their number is pretty superficial.

 

Alot of this is age based too. 20-30 partners at age 20 is alot different than at age 50.

 

 

Originally posted by cecilius

If your girl banged 20 dudes before you, but that was 10 years ago, yes she is probably less attractive to you than she otherwise would be, but it was also 10 years ago. If she banged 20 dudes and the last one was last month, the past is really blending into the present...

 

If she banged 20 dudes and the last one was last month, you're just #21.

That's what it's really all about.

If it was 10 yrs ago, maybe it was a phase or maybe she'll revert to form next week. You can take the girl out of the trailer park (or whatever) but you cant take...etc...

You don't really know.

 

 

 

 

Does she go thru guys 2/week, every 90 days, once every couple years, or is she running a train over at her house right now?

 

In the liberal utopia run by disciples of Lazarus Long, she runs thru guys like water and everyone is cool with that and it's a giant f*ckfest 24/7 for the entire planet. 20 partners takes about a week to rack up.

 

In the real world, "how many" matters.

 

Whether you hide that number from your partner depends on whether you want to lie to him/her about who you are. Not the greatest basis for a relationship, but then, they're just another in a long series of partners that you are taking what you can get from. Next!