Cecelius Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Be careful what you ask for... A significant number of partners is a problem ; I just don't think it's attractive. I won't seek a number but if skeletons keep popping out of the closet, I probably would vacate. but in any event, all I care about is that it's not too many to demonstrate being easy, no friends you hang around with, no brothers of female friends, that any ONS were back in college...
alphamale Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX And just like Alpha, if someone keeps pushing me to tell I just lie. So that sort of defeats the whole purpose of asking in the first place. yes, the problem is that i can't tell some new chick-a-dee that I've slept with like 40 or 50 women. so I woudl just lie and say like 10 or something i think most people would lie in this situation if they've been around the block a few times. another good answer is to say " well i'll tell you how many partners i've had after we are married"
XNemesisX Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Or here is another good strategy. When they keep asking you to tell your number insist they tell you theirs FIRST. Then come up with a number that is suitable. Works every time.... Guy: So how many guys have you slept with Nemesis? Me: Um why do you want to know? Guy: C'mon please tell me...how many???? Me: Ok I will tell you mine if you tell me yours first, deal? Guy: ok Guy: 12, now tell me how many!!!i@! Me: 3...and they were all long term and very serious relationships!! Guy: Well you are a good girl Nemesis! Me: Yep! Never believe the number someone gives you. I wouldn't believe a number someone gave me unless they were hooked up to a lie detector test.
alphamale Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX Never believe the number someone gives you. I wouldn't believe a number someone gave me unless they were hooked up to a lie detector test. I would not even believe the lie detector machine.... then there is the uncomfortable talk about birth control and STDs which goes something like this: stage left at her place on the couch, dark mood lighting, heavy petting. alpha most likely drunk and her too Me: So, yeah babee....are you on the pill? Her: Mmmmm....no, it makes me mooody. Me: f***! You mean I need to use a rubber? Her: Yeah, do you have any? Me: SHeeyot! i hate rubbers, its like licking an ice cream cone wrapped in cellophane Her: Well we have to alpha, I already have nine kids Me: I know, I know....but I don't have to like it Her: Do you have anything I should know of alpha? Me: Like what? A 401K, or a rich uncle? ha ha...Oh you mean the STD "something" Her: Yeah Me: No, I;m clean as far as I know. Her: You got the condoms? I want u inside me Me: OK, there' in the car. I'll be back in a minute
mental_traveller Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Sleeping with only 2-3 people per year can get you into "high" numbers after a while, so why are some people surprised by it? Let's say you start at 16 and have sex with 2 people each year, that's 28 partners by age 30. And 16-30 is not exactly the age where people get married off nowadays is it? IMO it's quite acceptable to have sowed your wild oats a bit in your teens and 20s, so anyone freaking out over 20-30 sex partners is being naive to the extreme. Is sleeping with 2-3 people per year really that terrible?
ImaManDammit Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX So, I don't think it should even be talked about really. I understand that some of you think it shows the values of the person, which may be true...but remember that probably 99% of people are not even truthful with regards to their sexual past. That lack of truth will come out eventually. Sometimes it happens after their married and sometimes it actually still matters even after they are married for sometime, because it begins to spiral and they begin to ask the question "what else have they lied about." Then the hunt begins. I live and stand by my decisions, I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of, even if other things they are shameful. So for me to hide anything doesn't make sense. If I did perhaps I really am ashamed.
Author crazy_grl Posted June 27, 2005 Author Posted June 27, 2005 I find this recent exchange almost appalling. I know that some people lie about these things, but it only hurts your relationship to hide it and especially to lie about it. Of course, lying might keep them around, but you'll never know if they like the "real you" or just the one you're pretending to be. My feeling is that if you have to lie to your partner about your past for them to want to be with you, then why would you want to be with them? I'd rather tell someone I slept with 150 guys (If I had. I haven't really.) and have them not want to be with me than feel like I had to trick them into thinking I was a "good girl" in order to stay. I've had enough relationships based on lies and bfs who never really knew me but who I was pretending to be to know that I don't want another like that. If you have to lie to your partner and trick them to be with you, you're really not worth that person's time.
ImaManDammit Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by mental_traveller Sleeping with only 2-3 people per year can get you into "high" numbers after a while, so why are some people surprised by it? Let's say you start at 16 and have sex with 2 people each year, that's 28 partners by age 30. And 16-30 is not exactly the age where people get married off nowadays is it? IMO it's quite acceptable to have sowed your wild oats a bit in your teens and 20s, so anyone freaking out over 20-30 sex partners is being naive to the extreme. Is sleeping with 2-3 people per year really that terrible? So your argument that in one of the most vulnerable and most irrational times of a persons life, its alright to sow your wild oats? I'll tell my 18 year old nephew that right away. I'm sure his mother will be pleased. The naive people are the ones who think that's healthy.
ImaManDammit Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl My feeling is that if you have to lie to your partner about your past for them to want to be with you, then why would you want to be with them? I'd rather tell someone I slept with 150 guys (If I had. I haven't really.) and have them not want to be with me than feel like I had to trick them into thinking I was a "good girl" in order to stay. I've had enough relationships based on lies and bfs who never really knew me but who I was pretending to be to know that I don't want another like that. Exactly. You either want to be with me for me or you don't.
Cecelius Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by mental_traveller Sleeping with only 2-3 people per year can get you into "high" numbers after a while, so why are some people surprised by it? Let's say you start at 16 and have sex with 2 people each year, that's 28 partners by age 30. And 16-30 is not exactly the age where people get married off nowadays is it? IMO it's quite acceptable to have sowed your wild oats a bit in your teens and 20s, so anyone freaking out over 20-30 sex partners is being naive to the extreme. Is sleeping with 2-3 people per year really that terrible? Nah, that's just too many.
orta Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 In a relationship, sexual history is important to some degree. The two of you need to sort out what you think is acceptable to share with one another. I really only care if people have not used protection in the past, or if they have been involved in other risky types of behaviors. It's also nice to get tested for lots of things together. A lot of people say they do this, but it doesn't seem many actually go out and deal with the testing. The number of people a person has slept with can mean many things, so I usually prefer to stay away from that subject. If a woman is very problematic, and is no good for me, and this is why she has slept with a lot of men, I am sure I will discover her no-goodness through other ways; I don't think I need to know how many partners she has had to assess her worth.
New_Wife Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Bah! I will never divulge "The Roster." First off, most guys are already insecure enough about their dingus size, performance, and the like. The last thing I want is for my man to run around thinking I've bonked the whole defensive line of our local sports team and they were all bigger, better and could last longer. Second, I didn't keep count. Plain and simple. I don't know what's up with the headboard notching - but I had a wild period - now I'm settled. End of story. The only person I want to be with is the one I'm with and if that's not a good enough answer - then we've got a relationship problem. He knows my STD history and I know his. Finally, STD's happen all the time to folks with a very small number. Cheating spouses bring home lots of fun stuff, or even a person may carry something without knowing it and share the gift that keeps on giving in a monogomous relationship without even knowing it. The Roster only gives a person a reason for insecurity where none need be. My answer is always "Only one that matters."
ImaManDammit Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by orta The number of people a person has slept with can mean many things, so I usually prefer to stay away from that subject. If a woman is very problematic, and is no good for me, and this is why she has slept with a lot of men, I am sure I will discover her no-goodness through other ways; I don't think I need to know how many partners she has had to assess her worth. Her worth, as she sees it, may not have anything to do with her sexual experience. Here your assuming that is a no-goodness trait and she may not. This may be totally missed unless you address it directly. By not addressing it, it may come up and it may not. If it does not come up then alls well. But frankly when it comes to me and my emotions I'm not willing to take that chance. As much as I don't like the fact of sex for merely the act of sex, I have accepted the fact that people are their own being and they have a right to choose what they do. In knowing this, I cant look at this as being bad or good, but I can and have the right to say its just not right for me. The more you discuss things upfront, the better it is when engaging into a relationship. It may be their past but it could also be the road map to the future.
Cecelius Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 In my experience, a high body count indicates some level of mental problems (starting with low self esteem and running up to outright craziness). I don't have a moral issue with it, but I'm not into dating anyone who's got a half dozen male friends who've boldly gone where a fair number of men have gone before. It is just not attractive and it doesn't need to be about comparisons at all -- a person with a significant past of getting drunk, crazy and etc., may be fun but isn't someone to take seriously. So long as there's no/minimal history of cheating, any ONS were in college and long gone, and she doesn't come across as someone who is waiting to be rescued, isn't trading sex for love, then I won't ask.
ImaManDammit Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius In my experience, a high body count indicates some level of mental problems (starting with low self esteem and running up to outright craziness). That's interesting. I would have thought it was due to the fact that society has generally become more advanced in the sense that it allows adults to decide what they see fit as a healthy sexual appetite and need. However people experiences differ quite frequently. I don't have a moral issue with it, but I'm not into dating anyone who's got a half dozen male friends who've boldly gone where a fair number of men have gone before. It is just not attractive and it doesn't need to be about comparisons at all -- a person with a significant past of getting drunk, crazy and etc., may be fun but isn't someone to take seriously. True, the thought of the person I cared about being nonchallant about who they are with is less attractive to me. They are not a better or worse person than I, and I would hold no ill will against them or judge them as have security issues. I would however consider them not the person for me. So again its not the number, its the ground behind the number. Unfortunately in my experience, those two have been linked, which makes it difficult to draw the line between them. If in 5 years they have been with 15 people, then either their values on sex don't match mine, or they have trouble in relationships, which again would be a cause for concern for me. So long as there's no/minimal history of cheating, any ONS were in college and long gone, and she doesn't come across as someone who is waiting to be rescued, isn't trading sex for love, then I won't ask. I would think that no history of cheating is the only acceptable answer. I don't think you can really rationalize cheating can you?
ImaManDammit Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by New_Wife First off, most guys are already insecure enough about their dingus size, performance, and the like. The last thing I want is for my man to run around thinking I've bonked the whole defensive line of our local sports team and they were all bigger, better and could last longer. I think that's a hollywood generalization. I don't thinks guys are anymore insecure than women are about their bodies these days. There are men out the who see beyond this. My cousin used that comment to rationalize why she didn't divulge this to her bf, when in fact she was not proud of what she had done, which was by no means terrible by todays benchmarks. Second, I didn't keep count. Plain and simple. I don't know what's up with the headboard notching - but I had a wild period - now I'm settled. End of story. The only person I want to be with is the one I'm with and if that's not a good enough answer - then we've got a relationship problem. Exactly. I for one would have accepted what you said above as an answer to the question. So why don't more people just say it? Finally, STD's happen all the time to folks with a very small number. Cheating spouses bring home lots of fun stuff, or even a person may carry something without knowing it and share the gift that keeps on giving in a monogomous relationship without even knowing it. The Roster only gives a person a reason for insecurity where none need be. Your comapring cheating spouses with casual sex and because of this the roster shouldn't be a reason to grow insecure on the topic of STDs? So what do we do with the safe faithful people who have a concern? My answer is always "Only one that matters." Did they all get that answer?
Cecelius Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by ImaManDammit I would think that no history of cheating is the only acceptable answer. I don't think you can really rationalize cheating can you? I've not been perfect in life. I don't expect other people to be either.
WithOrWithoutYou Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 It just depends on the situation. I don't automatically try to exchange "the list". I think once you really get to know someone well it eventually comes up (at least enough to get some idea - not that I usually really want to know all of the details). It also matters if I am going to be manogamous with someone over an extended period of time (like years). If that is the case, and it is a long term relationship where she is going to use the pill, etc., then well, I will probably feel a bit better knowing some things. But even then, getting tested for everything, and/or asking her when she last did that, is probably better than trying to exchange a whole sexual history. Just my opinion.
mental_traveller Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by ImaManDammit So your argument that in one of the most vulnerable and most irrational times of a persons life, its alright to sow your wild oats? I'll tell my 18 year old nephew that right away. I'm sure his mother will be pleased. The naive people are the ones who think that's healthy. I think it's fine if the person is mature enough to handle it. Not all 16-30 year olds are vulnerable and irrational. Remember, we're talking young adults here, not 5 year old toddlers. In comparison, many of the people I know who got married early have become divorced, cheated, or feel tied down and are always wondering if the grass is greener. I don't know a single person who married young who I look at and think "Wow, they really worked out well, hope I end up like that!". I'm glad I had a bit of fun, now if I meet someone right then I won't be afraid I'm missing out on my youth. I won't be tempted to cheat to "see what's out there", and I'll have much more experience at dealing with problems that could crop up in a relationship. As for your nephew, I'm sure his mother doesn't like the fact that he masturbates either - does that make masturbation abnormal or unhealthy? Parents are always overprotective of their adult children - that's what makes them overbearing and drives kids to become independent as they grow up. Finally, if you say that sleeping with 2 people each year is "unhealthy" - could you tell us why that's the case, maybe supply some evidence to back up your opinions? If you're right, how come people who have had fun in their 20s don't invariably turn out to be outcasts & failures?
mental_traveller Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius Nah, that's just too many. So I take it you're going to stop and take a vow of chastity once you reach 19?
XNemesisX Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius I've not been perfect in life. I don't expect other people to be either. EXACTLY. And what people DEF need to remember is that 20-30 partners is not very many at all as the age goes up. If you don't even get married until your late 20s or 30s then chances are you may even be above the 30 mark. The only past sexual partners that I want to know *of* are the ones the person I'm with *still* talks to. (if applicable). I would find this bit of information VERY important to know. I don't want to be in the dark and think that my guy is talking to just a friend when in actuality he has banged the chick. Then again, as we have said before, no one tells the truth about this stuff anyway so chances are you will never know. Don't you just love dating?!
Cecelius Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX EXACTLY. And what people DEF need to remember is that 20-30 partners is not very many at all as the age goes up. If you don't even get married until your late 20s or 30s then chances are you may even be above the 30 mark. The only past sexual partners that I want to know *of* are the ones the person I'm with *still* talks to. (if applicable). I would find this bit of information VERY important to know. I don't want to be in the dark and think that my guy is talking to just a friend when in actuality he has banged the chick. Then again, as we have said before, no one tells the truth about this stuff anyway so chances are you will never know. Don't you just love dating?! Heck, I meant the cheating when I said not perfect. Like all things, cheating and high body counts matter less with age. The longer ago it was, the less I care. It's just not in my picture to date someone with numbers like 20 to 30, whether they are age 20 or age 40, and so far, it works just fine.
ImaManDammit Posted June 28, 2005 Posted June 28, 2005 Originally posted by mental_traveller I think it's fine if the person is mature enough to handle it. Not all 16-30 year olds are vulnerable and irrational. Remember, we're talking young adults here, not 5 year old toddlers. I was talking about the years in which a person develops into the adult they will become 16-20, not 5 year olds. In comparison, many of the people I know who got married early have become divorced, cheated, or feel tied down and are always wondering if the grass is greener. I don't know a single person who married young who I look at and think "Wow, they really worked out well, hope I end up like that!". Sorry, I have many people who have told me this. So let just say your opnion is based on your experiences, and mine is based on mine. Lets not lump this together as one's person's opinion as fact. I'm glad I had a bit of fun, now if I meet someone right then I won't be afraid I'm missing out on my youth. I won't be tempted to cheat to "see what's out there", and I'll have much more experience at dealing with problems that could crop up in a relationship. Missing out on your youth means sleeping around? Seeing what's out there means sleeping around? I'm losing respect for your argument because if this were used in a different context I would agree with it. I would have thought maybe discovering and learning different cultures, and experience life in different ways as seeing what's out there. But if that means getting a booty call to some, so be it. Sex is not the relationship, its a by-product of one. You can have a relationship and learn interpersonal dynamics with out that. Just say it like it is and its because you're young horny and want to get some. I can respect that over argument like living life to the fullest. As for your nephew, I'm sure his mother doesn't like the fact that he masturbates either - does that make masturbation abnormal or unhealthy? Actually you're wrong. She is completely aware of it and accepts it. The difference between masturbating and having sex is the fact it takes two to have sex. One carries more importance and reprocussions than the other. Parents are always overprotective of their adult children - that's what makes them overbearing and drives kids to become independent as they grow up. Using the term always is very strong and finite, and probably ill used here, because I think I can site as many examples where this is not the case as much as it is the case. Finally, if you say that sleeping with 2 people each year is "unhealthy" - could you tell us why that's the case, maybe supply some evidence to back up your opinions? If you're right, how come people who have had fun in their 20s don't invariably turn out to be outcasts & failures? I was merely commeting that 2 sexual partners a year starting at the age of 16 was something I found unacceptable. If by the age of 20 they preferred to sleep with 20 people a year, then I have no issue with it.
lvgrl Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 None of this really matters because a guy can sleep with 10 girls and be God to his friends, and a girl can sleep with 10 guys and she becomes a slut. I dont think the numbers really matter, but I think it does kind of give you an idea of that persons past sexual history, and they might not be the same anymore, but it still lets you know what your working with. I think I have asked just about every guy I was in a relationship how many just because the conversation, and since my number is not something I am ashamed of I have no problem giving an answer in return. But as far as 20-30 being an acceptable number and everyone who disagrees is wrong..well that just sounds like a pile of crap. So you mean to tell me that if your partner told you that he/she has slept with over 20 people and you would be okay with that? Past is past people need to leave it at that, its not like people are still humping all of those people, and older people who have slept with that many people it was probably in their younger years and so they should still be punished by their partener for it? Not even close.
ImaManDammit Posted June 29, 2005 Posted June 29, 2005 Your comment seems alittle contradictory. First its the past and leave it beleive but then you say it gives insight. Then 20-30 is unacceptable but they probabaly did in their youth so as you get older its ok?? Originally posted by lvgrl None of this really matters because a guy can sleep with 10 girls and be God to his friends, and a girl can sleep with 10 guys and she becomes a slut. Not in all cases. I for one practice what I preach. I dont think the numbers really matter, but I think it does kind of give you an idea of that persons past sexual history, and they might not be the same anymore, but it still lets you know what your working with. Numbers alone are meaningless without understanding the circumstances behind them. Let say a person slept with 15 people, and each one they slept was because they thought they were in a relationship. At the same time they did this after the first date. This tells me though the intentions were good, this person rushes into relationship without giving much thought. This cues me on what her expectations are of me, and if I am willing to meet them. I think I have asked just about every guy I was in a relationship how many just because the conversation, and since my number is not something I am ashamed of I have no problem giving an answer in return. Agreed, if you are not ready to accept the answer then don't ask the question. But as far as 20-30 being an acceptable number and everyone who disagrees is wrong..well that just sounds like a pile of crap. So you mean to tell me that if your partner told you that he/she has slept with over 20 people and you would be okay with that? This somewhat contradicts what you said above. If in conversation they say they slept with 20-30 people, then what? So does the number having meaning or not? Past is past people need to leave it at that, its not like people are still humping all of those people, and older people who have slept with that many people it was probably in their younger years and so they should still be punished by their partener for it? As I have said he past provides a road map to the future. So you cannot discount it merely on this ground. Those who fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it. And you're right, you shouldn't punish the person or look down on them, but you should consider if this person is compatible with you. For those who have double standards though, this arguement is mute. The reap what they sow.
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