crazy_grl Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 If you sleep with a person, do they have a right to know your sexual history, specifically the number of people you've slept with, regardless of the fact that you're not comfortable revealing this information? What if your partner asks you, and you answer, but they won't answer the question in return? Does that change things? Would it upset you and/or cause you to be suspicious? What type of suspicions? I ask for a specific reason, which I might post. But I want to get other people's opinion before I do.
shygurl Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 I would surely hope I wouldn't be dating someone who was insecure or nosy enough to ask the # of sexual partners I've had - it's none of their business, just as it's none of my business how many they've had. It has no bearing on anything and people generally aren't truthful about the # anyway, particularly guys (they usually underestimate to make you think they weren't the town stud). I don't want to know about sexual things a partner has done in the past with other women, either. That's 'too much information' as far as I'm concerned. I once dated a guy who wanted to have talks about this kind of stuff.....wanting to know what things I loved doing with past partners and I found it bizarre...but then realized by asking me, he felt it fair game to blurt out all of the weird, creepy, kinky things he'd done with his exes - and I sure as hell didn't want to know. The only thing I want to know is: do they have any sexually transmitted diseases or weird hangups, that's all.
smile95 Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Found it....I am sooo sorry. I would erase mine if I could-lol.
centered Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Hmmm. Sounds like you have a confrontational situation to deal with. I've never had anyone actually demand to know -- it's just come up in casual conversation after me and my guy have gotten pretty close and are officially exclusive. Maybe that's the key -- if you aren't exclusive, then, no, I don't think they have a right to know that much about you at all. Sharing personal information with someone who is still just an acquaintance is out of bounds, as far as I'm concerned. For me, if I sleep with someone, then I've already gotten to the "exclusive" stage, and we're pretty good at communicating. At that point, anything and everything gets talked about as we explore each other's interests and backgrounds. But there are so many kinds of relationships -- as Love Shack forums prove -- that I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer to *any* relationship question.
tanbark813 Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl If you sleep with a person, do they have a right to know your sexual history, specifically the number of people you've slept with, regardless of the fact that you're not comfortable revealing this information? I don't know if I would go so far as to say they have a "right" to it, necessarily, but the curiosity is understandable, as is their resulting discomfort if you choose not to reveal that information. Originally posted by crazy_grl What if your partner asks you, and you answer, but they won't answer the question in return? Does that change things? I don't ask first, but if she asks me then I only answer once it's understood that I expect her to answer as well. If she won't, then I won't. Originally posted by crazy_grl Would it upset you and/or cause you to be suspicious? What type of suspicions? It would upset me only insomuch as it would be her going against our prior agreement.
d'Arthez Posted June 24, 2005 Posted June 24, 2005 Other than personal health risks, they don't have a right to know. Without being aware of the possible risks, you can doubt the consentuality of the whole arrangement.
UCFKevin Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 I never ask anything about sexual history. Whenever I have in the past, I'm always very bothered, so now I don't even bother asking. And I really don't like talking about my sexual history because the history book is pretty thick and some girls don't like hearing about it. But it always comes down to this simple saying: Don't ask something you don't want the answer to.
Merin Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl If you sleep with a person, do they have a right to know your sexual history, specifically the number of people you've slept with, regardless of the fact that you're not comfortable revealing this information? What if your partner asks you, and you answer, but they won't answer the question in return? Does that change things? Would it upset you and/or cause you to be suspicious? What type of suspicions? I ask for a specific reason, which I might post. But I want to get other people's opinion before I do. IMO if you're intimate with someone they have the right to know if you're healthy, IF you have any STD's, IF you're intimate with anyone else.. everything else IMO is not 411 that they have the "Right to know" I had an EXBF who drove me crazy with "Needing" this 411.. it isn't that I wasn't willing to tell him how many sexual partners I had it was that he wasn't happy with knowing the number or knowing that I don't have STD's or that I wasn't intimate with anyone else except him.. it made me crazy because he wanted to know every position I had done with each partner, how many times (and yes he wanted an exact number) I had sex with each partner, Who was the biggest or the best and what my reasons may or may not be.. the list went on and on. He was so obsessed with this, he actually got old EXBF's phone numbers to ask them questions.. WTF Wierd thing about it is I never gave him reason to act this way and as it was, he was the one who couldn't (aka wouldn't) be faithful... So now I'm just not all about having those "Let's share" moments... I gave my BF basic 411.. that I'm healthy, I don't have any STD's, and I'm not intimate with anyone else.
Author crazy_grl Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 Found it....I am sooo sorry. I would erase mine if I could-lol. It's all right. I was kidding. Your topic is different, just related to mine. I thought it was funny that we posted them so close together.
ImaManDammit Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Ok I'll swim up against the stream and say I want to know. Not only do I want to know the number I want to know the circumstances behind it. ie One night stands, on the 3rd date, long term relationship etc. Firsty knowing they are free of STDs Secondly, I want to know that the person I am with shares the same value on sex as I do. If they don't, and because of its importance to me, then I'm not interested. And yes, I would share my experience in the same way. But no I do not have the right to know, and if they wish not to tell then I can respect that, but the relationship will not go anywhere beyond dating if they do. I also make that clear as not to lead anyone on.
sarah12 Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 I wouldn't share that info, because: 1) it's none of his business 2) the magic number will forever be held against you: if it's smaller than his, he'll think he's a bombshell in bed, if it's bigger than his, he'll forever be insecure. As for needing to know about STDs, that's what testing is for.
smile95 Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 I really never asked anyone I dated, but after a while, it may come up in conversation, but it really is not necessary to know. People change and what happened before me is the past.
SexKitten Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by UCFKevin But it always comes down to this simple saying: Don't ask something you don't want the answer to. right on.
d'Arthez Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Would you want to be with a man / woman who believed that quality of the performance is a lineair function of the number of partners (s)he and you had? It is implied in this argument that the more experience you have the better the quality of the performance would be. It takes two to perform. I can't see why that would be a bad thing in itself. You can't make a rational argument, if the underlying driving force is jealousy / insecurity. As for testing, it has its limitations. It is not the case that you can test yourself on a daily basis, with immediate results showing up for everything. It takes a bit of time.
ImaManDammit Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Would you want to be with a man / woman who believed that quality of the performance is a lineair function of the number of partners (s)he and you had? It is implied in this argument that the more experience you have the better the quality of the performance would be. It takes two to perform. I can't see why that would be a bad thing in itself. You can't make a rational argument, if the underlying driving force is jealousy / insecurity. As for testing, it has its limitations. It is not the case that you can test yourself on a daily basis, with immediate results showing up for everything. It takes a bit of time. I agree with both these statements. If the need to know due to jealousy and insecurity then those are the wrong reasons. If you are looking for a person who shares value on sex as you do (this value is obviously subjective), then I think there's an argument for it.
nicki Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 whoa, i would be a bit freaked out to talk about past sexual partners, BUT... ...i understand that some guys might want to understand what my values are about sex. so, i usually let them know early on that i'm not into casual sex and only sleep with men who are my exclusive boyfriends. other than that, if asked about what i've done before with other men, i always say that the guy i'm with is the absolute BEST, THE KING....and that i'd love to try anything with HIM.... When I've known specific things about any of my boyfriends' past, like how they have done it before with someone else, it makes me feel less special....i mean, i know they have done stuff, but i don't want it in my head when i'm with a man...yuck...turn off... i think guys might not want the same pictures of us with someone else, so i don't supply any images....
shygurl Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 As for needing to know about STDs, that's what testing is for. Testing isn't always going to confirm/deny ALL STDs. In some cases at the time of testing, depending on how knowledgable a doc is about which tests to order, if the person isn't have an active outbreak of that particularly STD (like Herpes or HPV), it may not show up on tests. If someone has either, I'd rather them just be up front with me, if they know they have them.
centered Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by shygurl Testing isn't always going to confirm/deny ALL STDs. In some cases at the time of testing, depending on how knowledgable a doc is about which tests to order, if the person isn't have an active outbreak of that particularly STD (like Herpes or HPV), it may not show up on tests. If someone has either, I'd rather them just be up front with me, if they know they have them. Um, I don't think this is true about testing. It doesn't matter if the person is having an outbreak or not. The blood is tested, and if they have the virus, it shows up. Genital herpes is a good example of this. But, yes, the doctor has to run the particular tests to even look for it in the first place. Maybe that's what you meant.
moimeme Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 I don't sleep with people unless I'm in a committed relationship with them. And by the time I'm in one, like centered, we are sharing information about our lives. I completely agree that if knowing about your partner's partner is going to bother you or make you jealous, that you should not ask or find out. I have never held a person's past against him. I've had two bfs who had *very* checkered pasts and that was fine. To me, it's about getting to know somebody well rather than about finding out lurid details or anything else. I've never thrown someone's past in his face nor would I. I *really* appreciate it when a man trusts me enough to tell me things about himself that he might hide from other folks and I don't abuse that honour.
Author crazy_grl Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 Okay. Thanks for all your responses so far everyone. I enjoyed reading your opinions. So here's the situation in which the issue came up. Actually, this is not the main issue. The issue was about whether he trusted me and things he couldn't/wouldn't tell me. This was just the one example that I actually thought of first. I realize that I probably picked the wrong example, but it made me curious about what other people thought about it. I don't plan to discuss this with him again, because it's not the real issue. I'm just curious about it. There is this guy that I was seeing for about a year. We'd both agreed that we weren't ready for a serious relationship, but that we didn't want to sleep with anyone else and we didn't want to date other people. Basically, I now consider it FWB, but it wasn't established at the time that that's what it was. Sometime within the first few months, the topic came up in casual conversation. I don't remember who asked who first, but he did at one point ask me how many. I didn't feel the need to hide it, so I told him. But then he refused to tell me and instead told me obviously fake numbers like 10,000. Around maybe 6 months later, another person asked him this question while I was sitting there. He didn't answer that person either (which is completely reasonable and understandable). But then later when it was just the 2 of us, I asked him to tell me. He didn't once again. When I asked him yesterday why he didn't tell me things like that, he said he didn't feel comfortable. My opinion is that if you feel comfortable sleeping with someone, you ought to feel comfortable telling them something like this, especially if you ask them and they tell you. I'm more in agreement with ImaManDammit on this whole thing that a person has a right to know about the basics of a person's sexual history, because it gives you a lot of insight into who that person is and what their values are. It's not the number itself, but their attitude about sex and how they feel about it. I don't think a person has the right to demand it, but I think it's an important part of the whole picture when getting to know someone. Even an answer like, "I don't want to give you the number, because I'm ashamed of my past and I've changed and don't want you to judge me based on that." is an acceptable answer. To me, outright refusal or dodging the question indicates an unwillingness to open up. This of course, doesn't include specifics of sexual encounters like positions or names. I think those types of things are inappropriate topics.
sarah12 Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Testing isn't always going to confirm/deny ALL STDs. I'm not sure what kind of testing you have in the US, but here, all kinds of STD testing is done. Yes, it does take a while for the results of some tests, but that's the only way you'll know for sure. I'd take a test over someone telling me they are STD-free if I wasn't sure. crazy_grl: I guess I don't understand what the 'right to know' is all about. You said that you want to know who that person is and what their values are, but this guy is just a FWB, so at least by definition of the term, you hook up, you have sex, and you leave it at that. You don't really need to know much about him other than the fact that he is disease-free and is more than willing to have sex with you.
Sal Paradise Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't comfortable telling someone they say they love how many people they've slept with. Its usually women who don't want to reveal, most guys I know brag about how many they slept with.
Author crazy_grl Posted June 25, 2005 Author Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by sarah12 crazy_grl: I guess I don't understand what the 'right to know' is all about. You said that you want to know who that person is and what their values are, but this guy is just a FWB, so at least by definition of the term, you hook up, you have sex, and you leave it at that. You don't really need to know much about him other than the fact that he is disease-free and is more than willing to have sex with you. The situation is not that cut and dried. I stated perfectly clearly that at the time, this wasn't agreed to be a FWB arrangement. It was never agreed that this was just a FWB where we hook up, have sex, and that's it. That was not the way we were looking at it. We both agreed that we didn't want anything serious at the time, but that there was a possibility in the future. That future possibility is why I wanted to know who his is, his values, etc. A year later, I asked about becoming serious, some complicated circumstances arose, he said he didn't know whether he wanted to, and we stopped sleeping together. It was at that point that I started to consider what we had FWB. Right now, I don't care really care about this particular fact. I would like it if he would feel comfortable sharing that with me, but I know enough about him in that regard to have a fairly clear picture. I was only using it to as an example of something that made me wonder whether he trusted me. And I care about these kinds of things because he's someone I love and would like to be with. If anyone is thinking of reply about the nature of if he wants to be with me or not, please don't. I'm not asking for advice on that. I've gotten plenty of it already, and I don't want any drawn solely from the very small picture I've described of this particular situation.
alphamale Posted June 25, 2005 Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl If you sleep with a person, do they have a right to know your sexual history, specifically the number of people you've slept with, regardless of the fact that you're not comfortable revealing this information? No, they have no right to know this info. Now if you're in a serious committed relationship then they do but if it is just a casual or non-serious thing they do not. If they ask me I say I will not divulge that info cause it is private. If they push it then I just lie.
XNemesisX Posted June 27, 2005 Posted June 27, 2005 I agree Alpha. Unless it is a serious and committed relationship, then the person has no right to know and is actually pretty rude to even ask. Even in a committed relationship, I'm not sure anymore if I think it should be asked. My ex would go crazy on me over my past. He would act insane, wanting to know all the positions, how many times, pretty much sounds exactly like Merin's ex. It just made him feel more insecure and not trust me as much. It was unnecessary drama and heartache. Also, he told me all about all of his (WITHOUT me asking) and it disturbed me. So, I don't think it should even be talked about really. I understand that some of you think it shows the values of the person, which may be true...but remember that probably 99% of people are not even truthful with regards to their sexual past. And just like Alpha, if someone keeps pushing me to tell I just lie. So that sort of defeats the whole purpose of asking in the first place.
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