Should I give her a chance

[Kok]

So I've been dating this girl for about a year& things have gotten serious kinda fast. She acts as though she's head over heels for me, wants to be around me as much as she can, begs me to always stay when I have to leave etc.

 

Now I've been a little concerned about her past as she's let slip that she has played away from home in her previous relationships. This was towards the end of them (but still!). She has also told me that she would lie to her ex about things he didn't want her to do, like hanging out with bad influential friends and being out in the club without him when he was away on business.

 

So my issue is this. At the point me and this girl started to get serious I told her to delete any people on her social media who previously had any sort of love interests in her. She agreed, said she had but lied to me about this!

 

I hadn't been on any social media sites previously but opened one up and found a few guys she previously dated before me.

 

Now this girl keeps talking about how much she loves me every 5 seconds, keeps hinting at marriage and settling down with me but pulls this nonsense.

 

I asked her 2 days ago again if she'd deleted everyone and she lied to me again and said she had.

 

I'm sick of these games some girls pull, I'm a good guy with pure intentions towards this girl I've never cheated and wouldn't I take care of her and treat her good.

 

Do you think she's trying to play me for a sucker? Are these all warning signs that I'm with a bad woman? Should I just break it off now?

 

Thoughts???

[ChickiePops]

Shady shady shady. You teach people how to treat you. If you allow her to get away with these lies now, imagine what she will lie about later. She doesn't sound very bright either..claiming to have deleted these guys from social media when that is SO easily disproven..just a few clicks of a mouse and her lie is exposed.

 

What does she say when you confront her about these lies?

[Kok]

I haven't confronted her about this yet? I've just been keeping my cards close, to figure out the best way to handle this before I do& wanted to get some of your opinions on this before I do to get a wider perspective on this

[bachdude]

Four questions:

 

 

1) Why are you insisting she delete all guys who previously had any love interest in her? It comes off to me anyway as controlling. I wonder if she lies as a way to deal with controlling boyfriends. She needs to learn to say what she is willing to do or not do up front. This, of course, doesn't excuse the lying.

 

 

2. How do you know she is lying? Did she provide you with some sort of list of these guys who previously had love interest in her?

 

 

3. How can anyone even know all the guys who have had previous interest anyway?

 

 

4. Have you actually talked to her about this and told her you think she is not telling you the truth?

[Kok]

Sorry for my bad grammar LOL

[smackie9]

Why are you struggling with this?? Is it not obvious this is who she is...a manipulative liar? I doubt very much confronting her will change anything. She will find other ways to hide things behind your back. IMO you do not want to marry someone like this.

[Kok]

Four questions:

 

 

1) Why are you insisting she delete all guys who previously had any love interest in her? It comes off to me anyway as controlling. I wonder if she lies as a way to deal with controlling boyfriends. She needs to learn to say what she is willing to do or not do up front. This, of course, doesn't excuse the lying.

 

 

I'm far from controlling but I don't feel it's respectful to keep contact with ex's. There is no reason to remain in contact with them if you are committed to someone. She expects the same from me too, so it's not unreasonable to me.

 

2. How do you know she is lying? Did she provide you with some sort of list of these guys who previously had love interest in her?

 

They are people she mentioned them to me in the past.

 

 

3. How can anyone even know all the guys who have had previous interest anyway?

 

I'm only referring to the ones she's told me about.

 

 

4. Have you actually talked to her about this and told her you think she is not telling you the truth?

 

 

Not yet, I'm currently trying to figure out the best way to handle this situation.

[bachdude]

Not yet, I'm currently trying to figure out the best way to handle this situation.

 

 

Ok, but you didn't say only delete Exs. You said "I told her to delete any people on her social media who previously had any sort of love interests in her."

 

 

If that is how you worded it to her, then I would say it is a tad unreasonable. Just my opinion.

[Kok]

It was a conversation we had where we spoke about acceptable things in a relationship. I explained that this was not something I'd be happy with and she agree to delete these people. That's it

[bachdude]

It was a conversation we had where we spoke about acceptable things in a relationship. I explained that this was not something I'd be happy with and she agree to delete these people. That's it

 

Ok, I don't mean to act like a lawyer but I think this is really important here. What do you mean by "these people"? Guys who are Exs or guys "who previously had any sort of love interests in her."

[Grapesofwrath]

Are you sure that these fellas had a "love interest" in her? As Bachdude points out, that is a fairly wide category. Did you mean anyone she has actually dated? Or men with known crushes?

 

If you demanded that she do this, I'd call it controlling. If she offered and you agreed, then different story.

 

Confirm that she has, in fact, lied. Then address directly with her. Assess her reaction. Is she forthright and remorseful? Is she evasive and blame-shifting?

[Kok]

Ok, I don't mean to act like a lawyer but I think this is really important here. What do you mean by "these people"? Guys who are Exs or guys "who previously had any sort of love interests in her."

 

I've got no problem with you acting like a lawyer LOL

 

There are a few guys who have expressed love interests and a guy who I know for certain was her ex.

[bachdude]

I've got no problem with you acting like a lawyer LOL

 

There are a few guys who have expressed love interests and a guy who I know for certain was her ex.

 

Ok glad! haha

 

Ok, so here is what I am thinking. And I don't know her or you from Adam so it is based entirely on my experience and what you have stated here.

 

You mentioned her previous boyfriend trying to control who she hangs out with and where she goes while he is out of town. I suspect three things about her,

 

1) She has a strong independent streak in her. And this isn't necessarily a bad thing at all.

 

2) She doesn't like confrontation.

 

3) She is very social.

 

Here is just a theory and only a theory...

 

She really doesn't want to limit her social circle and may actually be quite trustworthy. She agrees to limit her social circle to appease her boyfriends because she doesn't like confrontation. She may even mean it at the time. After the fact she feels "engulfed", "trapped", or "controlled", and so doesn't follow through. She does what she wants anyway. Her former boyfriend hits the roof when he finds out. She may even agree at this point again to appease but feels even more controlled and acts out in the end by cheating.

 

My point is...have a real heart to heart talk with her about this. And try not to blame. Just try to learn what is going on in her mind and get to the root of it.

 

And again, I don't know you from Adam, but I think it is a tad insecure to insist that she unfriend guys who expressed interest in her in the past.

 

This may be the type of woman who really needs her space. She may also need to learn how to communicate what she needs and not rely on lying.

 

What's that old saying?

 

"The longer the leash, the less the dog strays." haha

 

That is very true for some people. And it might be true for her too. You need to have a talk with her. Be loving with her doing it.

 

Good luck, bro!

[LostOnes05]

It's not controlling to have healthy boundaries and have respect for your relationship. She obviously has none and is willing to lie and cheat, Strike 1 and 2. You're not telling her to eat all her veggies before she gets dessert. More so telling her that you are invested BUT if those boundaries are crossed you won't have an issue walking away. No way to really stop someone from lying and cheating anyway...although I wish there were (maybe we should develop a spray or something that accomplishes this and market it as cologne/perfume haha). And now you know she has repeatedly lied to you..Strike 3 and 4. I bet she loved bombed the other guys too, until she had a replacement and then she "needed to find herself".

 

Some people will tell you exactly what they think you want to hear, until you no longer suit their interests. Then they get Honest Abe syndrome (I need to copyright that) and say "they've been feeling like this for a while" meanwhile there was barely indication with their words...that's why actions are important. She can/will cheat if there are issues [she has told you that] and she has already lied twice about the same issue [action].

 

Don't end up in the dugout with the rest of the exes trying to maintain contact in the hopes of getting her back. And you don't have to be a baseball fan to know it's three strikes and you're out. If you have the conversation and nothing changes...it's Free Agency time!

 

But above all TRUST YOUR GUT!!

 

**Post subject to profuse baseball references by someone who does not enjoy baseball

 

Sidenote: I need Smackie, Michelle MaBelle, and Satu to be my LS Council on Reasonable Women. Can even make it a reality show and call it "The Loveshack" (original right?!)

[bachdude]

It's not controlling to have healthy boundaries and have respect for your relationship. She obviously has none and is willing to lie and cheat, Strike 1 and 2. You're not telling her to eat all her veggies before she gets dessert. More so telling her that you are invested BUT if those boundaries are crossed you won't have an issue walking away. No way to really stop someone from lying and cheating anyway...although I wish there were (maybe we should develop a spray or something that accomplishes this and market it as cologne/perfume haha). And now you know she has repeatedly lied to you..Strike 3 and 4. I bet she loved bombed the other guys too, until she had a replacement and then she "needed to find herself".

 

Some people will tell you exactly what they think you want to hear, until you no longer suit their interests. Then they get Honest Abe syndrome (I need to copyright that) and say "they've been feeling like this for a while" meanwhile there was barely indication with their words...that's why actions are important. She can/will cheat if there are issues [she has told you that] and she has already lied twice about the same issue [action].

 

Don't end up in the dugout with the rest of the exes trying to maintain contact in the hopes of getting her back. And you don't have to be a baseball fan to know it's three strikes and you're out. If you have the conversation and nothing changes...it's Free Agency time!

 

But above all TRUST YOUR GUT!!

 

**Post subject to profuse baseball references by someone who does not enjoy baseball

 

Sidenote: I need Smackie, Michelle MaBelle, and Satu to be my LS Council on Reasonable Women. Can even make it a reality show and call it "The Loveshack" (original right?!)

 

Take you pick of viewpoints OP.

[ChickiePops]

It's not controlling to have healthy boundaries and have respect for your relationship. She obviously has none and is willing to lie and cheat, Strike 1 and 2. You're not telling her to eat all her veggies before she gets dessert. More so telling her that you are invested BUT if those boundaries are crossed you won't have an issue walking away. No way to really stop someone from lying and cheating anyway...although I wish there were (maybe we should develop a spray or something that accomplishes this and market it as cologne/perfume haha). And now you know she has repeatedly lied to you..Strike 3 and 4. I bet she loved bombed the other guys too, until she had a replacement and then she "needed to find herself".

 

Some people will tell you exactly what they think you want to hear, until you no longer suit their interests. Then they get Honest Abe syndrome (I need to copyright that) and say "they've been feeling like this for a while" meanwhile there was barely indication with their words...that's why actions are important. She can/will cheat if there are issues [she has told you that] and she has already lied twice about the same issue [action].

 

Don't end up in the dugout with the rest of the exes trying to maintain contact in the hopes of getting her back. And you don't have to be a baseball fan to know it's three strikes and you're out. If you have the conversation and nothing changes...it's Free Agency time!

 

But above all TRUST YOUR GUT!!

 

**Post subject to profuse baseball references by someone who does not enjoy baseball

 

Sidenote: I need Smackie, Michelle MaBelle, and Satu to be my LS Council on Reasonable Women. Can even make it a reality show and call it "The Loveshack" (original right?!)

 

Exactly. It's not the talking to guys that bothers me. It's the fact that you asked her to remove these guys from her social media, she AGREED to do it, and then she LIED to you about it.

 

I personally have no problem with my boyfriend talking to other women as long as it's respectful towards me. But when an ex contacted him out of the blue on Facebook (I'm not on Facebook so I had no way of knowing..he told me) and asked him if he still had some of the little gifts she'd given him when they were together..I drew a line. He agreed and he didn't respond and he also deleted her. I think every couple has to work out what they're comfortable with together and stick within those boundaries once they're made.

[bachdude]

Exactly. It's not the talking to guys that bothers me. It's the fact that you asked her to remove these guys from her social media, she AGREED to do it, and then she LIED to you about it.

 

This is the problem with this forum sometimes. You have absolutely no idea if she lied about it.

 

OP, innocent til proven guilty, ok?

[Kok]

Ok, I don't mean to act like a lawyer but I think this is really important here. What do you mean by "these people"? Guys who are Exs or guys "who previously had any sort of love interests in her."

 

Only guys who have expressed that they are sexually interested in her. Meaning ex's, dates or crushes

[Kok]

Ok glad! haha

 

Ok, so here is what I am thinking. And I don't know her or you from Adam so it is based entirely on my experience and what you have stated here.

 

You mentioned her previous boyfriend trying to control who she hangs out with and where she goes while he is out of town. I suspect three things about her,

 

1) She has a strong independent streak in her. And this isn't necessarily a bad thing at all.

 

2) She doesn't like confrontation.

 

3) She is very social.

 

Here is just a theory and only a theory...

 

She really doesn't want to limit her social circle and may actually be quite trustworthy. She agrees to limit her social circle to appease her boyfriends because she doesn't like confrontation. She may even mean it at the time. After the fact she feels "engulfed", "trapped", or "controlled", and so doesn't follow through. She does what she wants anyway. Her former boyfriend hits the roof when he finds out. She may even agree at this point again to appease but feels even more controlled and acts out in the end by cheating.

 

My point is...have a real heart to heart talk with her about this. And try not to blame. Just try to learn what is going on in her mind and get to the root of it.

 

And again, I don't know you from Adam, but I think it is a tad insecure to insist that she unfriend guys who expressed interest in her in the past.

 

This may be the type of woman who really needs her space. She may also need to learn how to communicate what she needs and not rely on lying.

 

What's that old saying?

 

"The longer the leash, the less the dog strays." haha

 

That is very true for some people. And it might be true for her too. You need to have a talk with her. Be loving with her doing it.

 

Good luck, bro!

 

Thanks for this. The thing is that I have tried to have heart to hearts with her about this, as she has had previous controlling boyfriends. But what do you do when you think you have had a real conversation where you are trying your best not to even make it into a argument type convo, but she still lies?

 

And she is the one who seems to be really clingy with me, she always wants to be around me.

[ChickiePops]

This is the problem with this forum sometimes. You have absolutely no idea if she lied about it.

 

OP, innocent til proven guilty, ok?

 

The OP said he asked her to remove these guys and she agreed to it and then he discovered that she hadn't. I'm using OP's words..he said she lied, so I'm taking his post at face value.

[Kok]

This is the problem with this forum sometimes. You have absolutely no idea if she lied about it.

 

OP, innocent til proven guilty, ok?

 

She told me that she had deleted these guys. But is still friends with them. She 100% lied to me about this

[Kok]

So do you guys all think I should break it off with her on the basis of what i've told you?

 

I feel like the fact that she's just blatantly lied to me is her testing me& and like someone said on here I am teaching her how to treat me.

 

But on the flip side, I do have feelings for this girl so it's not an easy thing to just do. So I need to be sure.

 

Can she come back from this?

 

The bottom line is that I can't be with a girl who lies to me and show potential to cheat.

 

Can you guys give me your votes on weather to give it a chance or just leave her ?

[WellHelloThere]

I've had experience with this sort of behavior from 2 past girlfriends. If this is a pattern of behavior and not an isolated incident, then it's a part of who they are and I wouldn't expect it to change. They will always tell you what you want to hear and then do whatever they want. Confrontation will lead to more lies and excuses.

 

If I were you in this situation, I'd talk to her again and confirm who she agreed to delete, then confirm with her that that would include specific people. Then I'd give it a couple days. Then if the specific people aren't deleted, I'd confront her. That way it's really clear what you have agreed on and if she has followed through. I'd end things if she doesn't follow through, based on needing to trust her and that you have different ideas about relationships. But that being said, I wouldn't ask someone to end all contact with anyone who ever liked them. I only care about if they are being inappropriate with those people, like talking about sex or flirting.

[bachdude]

Thanks for this. The thing is that I have tried to have heart to hearts with her about this, as she has had previous controlling boyfriends. But what do you do when you think you have had a real conversation where you are trying your best not to even make it into a argument type convo, but she still lies?

 

And she is the one who seems to be really clingy with me, she always wants to be around me.

 

Hmm, ok. Look, in the final analysis, lying is lying. Whether the conversation went well or not. If you are really convinced she has a lying problem and she doesn't change after a heart to heart talk, then I am afraid I would have to recommend parting ways.

 

Question, how did you bring up the topic? Could you provide a bit more detail about how the conversation went?

 

My main point is...perhaps, just perhaps, she has learned to deal with people controlling her (or her own false perception of people controlling her) by lying instead of just being forthright about what SHE wants in a relationship and standing up for that.

 

Some people are totally fine with their significant other going to clubs, having facebook friends with exs (as long as everything is always out and in the open), etc. Some are not.

 

If she can just learn to state what she wants instead of lying at least the communication would be better. Have you asked her what SHE wants or needs in a relationship? I wonder if she would really say or if she is too afraid to say it because she might lose you.

 

But in the end, you cannot change her if she is unwilling to communicate and instead resorts to lying.

[Kok]

I've had experience with this sort of behavior from 2 past girlfriends. If this is a pattern of behavior and not an isolated incident, then it's a part of who they are and I wouldn't expect it to change. They will always tell you what you want to hear and then do whatever they want. Confrontation will lead to more lies and excuses.

 

If I were you in this situation, I'd talk to her again and confirm who she agreed to delete, then confirm with her that that would include specific people. Then I'd give it a couple days. Then if the specific people aren't deleted, I'd confront her. That way it's really clear what you have agreed on and if she has followed through. I'd end things if she doesn't follow through, based on needing to trust her and that you have different ideas about relationships. But that being said, I wouldn't ask someone to end all contact with anyone who ever liked them. I only care about if they are being inappropriate with those people, like talking about sex or flirting.

 

 

That's the thing it was very specific with one of the guys and she didn't delete him.

 

And I asked her to delete all of the other guys because when they'd contact her it was specifically them trying to flirt.

 

There's a part of me that feels like by me clearly communicating something to get and her lying about it has crossed the line. How do I go back from that? She has just tested me by lying, if I give her another chance then it's like I'm giving her permission to do it again.

 

Do you think I'm I being too harsh with that statement?