jarodimus Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Hello all, I'm looking to gain some sort of insight or perspective on this situation. Back in high school, about 16 years ago, I dated a girl for 3 years, from my sophomore year through graduation. I was pretty shy in junior high, but girls crushed on me in spite of that. My family moved and I started high school. When a girl I found attractive initiated a relationship with me because she thought I was "hot", she made it easy for me to get the courage to ask her out. We dated for three years and I thought we'd get married. She was pretty infatuated with me at the beginning and while that slowed down a bit, we both remained that way with each other for the most part. As an introvert, I didn't really hang out with anyone else, though I did have friends. It wasn't until my senior year when she had to take an absence from school due to depression that I was forced to make friends. Red flags all over the place, I know. That 6-9 months or so was really good for me though. Of course I would visit her often, and talked to her every night on the phone, but I was free to hang out with the guys without feeling bad for not being with her every second I could. Our relationship was very innocent, but unhealthy in some ways. I was pretty young, naive, and immature. We had a good relationship and we were good friends and had fun together, but being that our relationship occurred during the most formative years of our youth, a lot of it was built around hormones. I was a year ahead, and after I graduated, she went off to a college experience program to see if college was for her. There she met some guy and ended up kissing him. I think part of this was due to the fact that I was taking her for granted, acting very passive in the relationship. I was naturally very hurt, but I was willing to forgive her and put it behind us. Shortly after that she called me one day and said she wanted to break up for a while. In the background I heard her joking around with her family which compounded the pain for me. For me, I knew it was over. I really think she wanted it to only be temporary. I don't really know for sure, but I do remember her saying she wanted to eventually get back together but knew she couldn't have her cake and eat it too. Despite that, after what she did, I couldn't trust her anymore and so I ended up having a really rough time for a few months as I knew it was over. I told her that was it, and I recall her being surprised. I kept in contact somewhat and we both apologized to each other for things we did and said. Eventually we broke contact. I went to community college for a year and then transferred to a 4 year school. She graduated the following year during which she met someone else and married after her boyfriend graduated a year after that. He went into the Air Force and they moved to Nevada. I didn't know this until a few years later. She became a housewife and they ended up having a couple kids. While in college, I met my future wife and we started dating. Back before Facebook and even MySpace, there was pretty much only one website to get in contact with people from high school... Classmates.com. I signed up for an account out of curiosity to see if I could find out what my ex was up to. She wasn't on there. Turns out a few months after I had done that she messaged me but I never saw it. I got married after I graduated college. Eventually once Facebook became popular, I found my ex on there. I remember my heart skipped a beat when I saw pictures of her again on her profile. Again, I think a lot of those feelings that resurface from deep down are due to the fact that our relationship was formed in those hormone-infused teen years. I was and still am in love with my wife. I would never leave her and we are firmly against divorce. We've been married for almost 11 years now, which is nearly 4 times as long as I dated my ex. There were a lot of chemical reactions going on in our brains at that time, and so I always bring myself back to reality when I catch myself daydreaming about what might have been. We friended each other and she apologized once again for how she treated me. Here's where the strange behavior begins. Again, we were both happily married as far as I could tell, and she had two beautiful kids. One day I noticed she had defriended me. Now, my wife knew that I had a girlfriend before her but she really didn't want any details so we left it at that. I for some reason suspected my wife might have defriended her from my account even though I don't think she even knew her name. I sent my ex a message to ask her if I might have inadvertently defriended her and apologized. It didn't make sense to me at the time why she would have defriended me, ignorance on my part perhaps. She said she must have by accident and so we became friends again. Perhaps 6 months to a year later I noticed she defriended me again and at that point I just said the heck with it. I knew it was deliberate at that point. I still checked up on her now and again and she had another kid, up to three at hat point. Her husband would be deployed for months at a time and then be home again. Pictures depicted them to be super happy and I was glad for them. Fast forward about 4-5 years and I get a message from her on Facebook apologizing for defriending me. I found out that she and her husband got divorced. I was surprised, but apparently he was verbally abusive, perhaps even physically. She told me about this in a short note and I wrote a brief note back telling her I was praying for her and her family in hopes that things would turn around. She thanked me and that was pretty much it. I accepted her friend request. It has been about a year now, with us occasionally liking one another's posts or pictures of family and whatnot. I noticed that the feelings resurfaced a bit now that I knew she was "back on the market" after her divorce, even though I am married. I started thinking about scenarios where we would be back together again after all these years. Reality would always set in and I would wake up and snap out of it, being happily married and deep down, not having any real desire to be in a relationship with her again -- at least, with the real version of my ex It was mainly a fantasy version of her; not a grass is greener situation, but just one that is different from the status quo situation I'm in now. Again, I'm happy but occasionally marriage can get caught in a routine for a season, especially with young children. I'm not immature in this, the grass is certainly NOT greener in this situation by any means, but I'm sure many would know what I'm referring to. I mean, she is still very immature from what I can tell through her Facebook posts. We never really were compatible on an intellectual level... she isn't stupid by any means, but I would find it difficult to have more in-depth conversations with her because a lot would go over her head. Still, as I said, we had fun together and cared for one another, even though a lot of our feelings were hormone driven. In any case, during the past year I would notice that she almost always remained near the top of the chat list on the right sidebar and I suspected that she may have been frequently looking at my profile. There were times that I would intentionally not visit her profile for a week or two just to see if she stayed at the top of the list, and more often than not, she did. About a month or so ago I noticed she had defriended me again. That was it for me. I knew that it was probably a bad idea to be friends with her to begin with, Facebook or even otherwise. I said to myself back when she friended me a year ago that if she did it again I was going to block her. So, I did. I've had her blocked for the past month or so. I have no idea if she's trying to play with my head or what. I don't get her behavior at all. To me it seems immature but at the same time, I think that maybe she's on to something. Do you think she still has feelings for me and maybe that's why she keeps friending me and then defriending me? What's the deal with the defriending/refriending nonsense? Do you think me blocking her is immature? I honestly just don't want her stalking me and think it's probably best for both of us to forget about each other, or at the least, put each other out of our minds since it doesn't do any good. Again, I am happily married. I know my wife very, very well, and I can truly say that I love her. I don't believe love is simply an emotion, but it's a decision that brings emotion with it. We have two children of our own. I may occasionally dream about my ex or think about what might have been, but then I remember that my feelings were all hormonally driven and when I take more than 5 minutes to consider it, I am truly glad that our relationship ended when it did. I wish it never began, and if I had the chance to go back and do it over, I wouldn't have started it. I have no idea why I will occasionally think about her or daydream about being her white-knight (Urban Dictionary: White Knight Syndrome) even though I know how foolish that is. She's a single mom now with three kids working at a grocery store, and I have a really solid career. Maybe it's just part of me that wants to show her how much she missed out, I have no idea. Either way, I believe the relationship should have ended. Now... here's the really strange part. My mom has known our neighbor for quite some time. He helps her plow her driveway (she lives in the country) in the winter and she knew him when they were younger. Apparently, my ex is now dating his son. The kicker is the fact that my mom literally lives in the boonies, and so yes, it's a very unpopulated area despite it's size geographically, but still, it's not that unpopulated. His son bought a house next door to his dad and has lived there for several years now, and has three kids of his own. Right around the time I blocked my ex after she defriended me a month or so ago, she sent a message to my mom to apologize for "everything she had done." I have no honest clue what she's talking about. I mean, she already apologized to me at least twice within the past 16 years. Now she's apologizing to my mom? My mom was totally lost and just went with it. What the heck is she doing? I'm totally confused while also being really annoyed. I just want to move on with the rest of my life and eventually forget about her. I know that her divorcing her husband is what resurfaced the long lost feelings that were buried for good reason in spite of the reality that they will never be acted upon. I may never get rid of them totally, but having her that close to my mom and messaging her is just really freakin' bizarre, and kinda creepy. The feelings I did have recently are all but gone now at this point. Now I have to deal with her being my mom's neighbor possibly in the near future and having the potential of running into her every time I go to visit now. Urggh. Anyone have any insight or any clue as to this strange behavior? Should I unblock her and just leave it at that? I'm certainly not going to accept a friend request from her again because I think this is just silly at this point. I'm just trying to figure out what she is doing. Maybe I shouldn't care and just ignore her, I don't know. Just trying to understand from another perspective.
VeveCakes Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 First I want to comment on the FB chat thing - she is probably at the top because YOU creep HER profile all the time, not vice versa. That's not how FB works. Also, she defriended you three times. The writing is on the wall. She may have been single for a short period of time there and seeing what was out there and now has a bf. I think blocking her was a bit much. Lastly, you are married. Focus on that, and leave the past where it belongs, in the past.
Author jarodimus Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 You may be right about the profile issue, but the thing is, I wouldn't go to her profile for a week or more at a time and intentionally look up other profiles. I noticed those profiles stayed at the top, and I would visit them often throughout the week just as part of my little experiment. I found that despite not going to hers at all, she still appeared near the top out of the blue. I don't understand the algorithm then. As for the blocking, I don't really think it matters. We have almost zero interaction on there, and I just think we're better off moving on without the temptation to check our profiles out just out of curiosity. It's just Facebook. I don't see the benefit to unblocking her, it really doesn't accomplish anything but maybe I'm wrong.
ChickiePops Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. You seem to be paying far more attention to her than she is to you. I really doubt she's dating your mom's neighbor's son just to get to you..and Facebook is just Facebook..it's not that big a deal. You appear to be slightly infatuated, which is normal since she was your first love..but just ignore it and move on.
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