Is he too independent for me?

[joseb]

I agree with Gaeta. My boyfriend's behaviour was very similar to hers when we lived apart, in that he'd come to my home (up to an hour drive to his work in traffic) even though he lived within walking distance to work. He wants nothing more than to see me every night and wake up to me every morning.

 

OK, what I'm getting from this thread is that for 'compromise' it's expected and natural that a guy drives an hour out of his way or does whatever to 'prove' his devotion.

 

Why can't the OP 'compromise' and do exactly the same as these guys did? Does she not want to see her BF enough?

 

 

Look, it's possible that this guy isn't as invested as he should be.

Or maybe he just likes to sleep in his own place and needs to be fresh for work.

It sounds like at weekends he is making efforts to see the OP a lot.

 

You could try:

 

meeting after work for dinner/movie/whatever during the week (no sleepover)

 

one week you stay with him one night, next week he stays with you one night

 

he could call over early before work for a little nookie

 

If he isn't interested in trying any of these, then I'd be more inclined to suggest he isn't invested enough.

[joseb]

It is certainly dedication, but it isn't anywhere close to compromise. It is total capitulation.

 

I'm not knocking it. Good for Gaeta. But this is not an example of compromise and OP (and others) should not expect the dedication.

 

Alternatively, OP could show similar 'compromise' by driving to BF's house every night. But she won't even do it once.

 

Exactly my thoughts - our posts crossed.

 

I guess in most relationships someone has the balance of power, and I guess yeah, good for you guys if you find guys that are happy with that.

[Lorenza]

Compromise isn't giving up on your comfort to make a relationship work. Why do we still expect men to go out of our ways for us because: "if he really wants it, he'll do everything to show it"? Don't we want ambitious, sucessfull, interesting men who don't live and breath for the relationship? Can't we women sometimes also put ourselves out there and do the driving, the sleeping over or just leaving our boyfriends in peace and let them have some days off? That's compromise - when both parts act.

[Buddhist]

What does everyone think? Is this a deal breaker? Is this something that would make us incompatible? Should I throw in the towel now?

 

I think he likes having a weekend relationship with you, tbh if I were him I would be exactly the same. I don't even like sleepovers because it's not my place, I'm a guest, my stuff isn't there and it's a hassle. It's not in anyway the same as staying in your own house.

 

If the current relationship is not what you want then it's time to call it quits.

Edited June 9, 2016 by Buddhist

[Gaeta]

I think he likes having a weekend relationship with you, tbh if I were him I would be exactly the same. I don't even like sleepovers because it's not my place, I'm a guest, my stuff isn't there and it's a hassle. It's not in anyway the same as staying in your own house.

 

After a year dating her house should feel like his house. His personal items should be all over and he should have a couple of drawers to himself over there.

 

Their relationship never escalated, they are still dating like it's a 2-3 month relationship after a year. OP wants to escalate the relationship but her boyfriend is putting the breaks on.

 

OP needs to ask the right question to this man. Does he see a future with her, does he see himself living together, marriage, kids, timeframe of it all, etc. Then if anything is not clear she should move on.

[Buddhist]

After a year dating her house should feel like his house. His personal items should be all over and he should have a couple of drawers to himself over there.

 

Says who exactly? I've never had my stuff permanently stored in any partners apartment or home unless I was living there full-time. I've never felt like their homes are my own unless of course it is my home.

 

Their relationship never escalated,

 

Again, by what standards and who created these standards? She's got the relationship she's got. He's happy with it, if she isn't then she needs to walk. He clearly doesn't want to mess up his working week to appease a girlfriend and I wouldn't do it to appease a BF either.

[Gaeta]

It is certainly dedication, but it isn't anywhere close to compromise. It is total capitulation.

 

I'm not knocking it. Good for Gaeta. But this is not an example of compromise and OP (and others) should not expect the dedication.

 

Alternatively, OP could show similar 'compromise' by driving to BF's house every night. But she won't even do it once.

 

Capitulation? You don't know the details of my relationship to conclude my boyfriend is capitulating. I was in relationships where I did all the driving and if current relationship demanded that I am the one driving 1 hr in traffic to get to him I would do it.

[Gaeta]

Says who exactly? I've never had my stuff permanently stored in any partners apartment or home unless I was living there full-time. I've never felt like their homes are my own unless of course it is my home.

 

 

 

Again, by what standards and who created these standards? She's got the relationship she's got. He's happy with it, if she isn't then she needs to walk. He clearly doesn't want to mess up his working week to appease a girlfriend and I wouldn't do it to appease a BF either.

 

Buddhist: You have unconventional ways of dating. Most women want to escalate a relationship to something serious after 1 year dating. Maybe not you but majority of women, especially younger women like OP, do. Put yourself in her shoes, not yours. She mentioned she wants to have children. If after 1 year dating he still does not leave his toothbrush at her place and won't stay over on weekdays this is not a man interested in escalating this relationship into a marriage and parenthood.

[elaine567]

OP needs to ask the right question to this man. Does he see a future with her, does he see himself living together, marriage, kids, timeframe of it all, etc. Then if anything is not clear she should move on.

 

 

I agree, this relationship is not progressing as it is, I do not get the feeling that this man wants it to progress, he is happy with the status quo, he pleases himself during the week, but always has a fun buddy to hang about with at the weekends. Nothing wrong with that, but the OP is not looking for that sort of relationship.

At thirty as she rightly says she doesn't want to waste any time.

She needs to ask the hard questions and if all she gets are platitudes, clichés and fuzzy answers and no clear direction as to where this is headed, then time to move on.

[kztar]

I agree with Gaeta. My boyfriend's behaviour was very similar to hers when we lived apart, in that he'd come to my home (up to an hour drive to his work in traffic) even though he lived within walking distance to work. He wants nothing more than to see me every night and wake up to me every morning.

 

There are men out there who will want this with you. They are the ones worth investing your time in. They won't take forever to say I love you (sounds like you may have had that issue?) and they will talk about the future in a way that leaves no room for doubt that you're in it.

 

And please don't listen to anyone that calls you needy. You're not. Seeing your bf only on weekends may be enough for him, but it's not enough for you. No shame in that.

 

This is 100%.

 

I don't see why anyone would call the OP needy. These are simple basic relationship needs.

 

OP definitely don't let that needy stuff get to you. My ex called me a "needy" gf when all I wanted was basic yet it got to my head and it even affected my self esteem.

[kztar]

Exactly my thoughts - our posts crossed.

 

I guess in most relationships someone has the balance of power, and I guess yeah, good for you guys if you find guys that are happy with that.

 

Is a two way street though. Today for you, tomorrow for me. Im pretty sure that if HE compromised the OP would do the same. Maybe a different type of compromise but still a compromise. As females we are so simple . But if the guy is not putting in the effort, then he should have low expectations from the girl as well.

 

A weekend relationship gets really old, really quick after a whole year. This is not what the OP wants. If he just put a little more effort, Im sure the OP would be doing her part.

 

I say pull the plug NOW before this situation just builds resentment.

[joseb]

Is a two way street though. Today for you, tomorrow for me. Im pretty sure that if HE compromised the OP would do the same. Maybe a different type of compromise but still a compromise. As females we are so simple . But if the guy is not putting in the effort, then he should have low expectations from the girl as well.

 

A weekend relationship gets really old, really quick after a whole year. This is not what the OP wants. If he just put a little more effort, Im sure the OP would be doing her part.

 

I say pull the plug NOW before this situation just builds resentment.

 

Maybe - I haven't really seen any sign that the OP is willing to do that though. I think she wants him to come to her -

 

"And sometimes I am really busy and tired as well, but I want him to WANT to come over and see me. "

so she understands being tired and busy and not wanting to leave the home, but thinks even if he is, he should. That's the vibe I'm getting tbh.

 

And I think he does put in effort at the weekends, and had tried to come to her during the week and stay - I didn't see anywhere that she did the same.

 

I might be wrong - I'd like to hear back from the OP, she's been asked a few questions now that would help to get a better understanding.

 

But you might be right - perhaps they are just incompatible - they like to live in different places, the OP wants kids but I'm not sure she has brought this up - these could be dealbreaker issues alright.

[Miss Peach]

Maybe - I haven't really seen any sign that the OP is willing to do that though. I think she wants him to come to her -

 

"And sometimes I am really busy and tired as well, but I want him to WANT to come over and see me. "

so she understands being tired and busy and not wanting to leave the home, but thinks even if he is, he should. That's the vibe I'm getting tbh.

 

And I think he does put in effort at the weekends, and had tried to come to her during the week and stay - I didn't see anywhere that she did the same.

 

Logistically since they both work near her home I'm not sure if it makes sense on the weeknights for her to go to his house unless there is a reason for it. I wouldn't see it as an issue personally especially since they go to both houses on the weekends.

 

OP - The guys I knew I wasn't wasting my time with told me within a year how serious they were about me. XH had already asked me to move in and proposed shortly afterward. Current BF has already told me I'm the love of his life and he wants to build a life with me.

 

Both BF and I are introverts and like some space so I'm OK with the idea your BF doesn't come over all the time or stays the night, but it would bother me if I never say my BF during the week. For me, my BF actually was the one to bring it up around 4 months in. It would make me feel like he was keeping me at a distance or like I was 'good enough for now' type of woman. So I totally agree with the other posters you're not needy for bringing it up and trying to work a compromise. But before doing that I would figure out if what you have is good enough for you. I get the sense it's not or you wouldn't have posted here. But I personally would want to get clear on that before bringing it up as if you can't reach a compromise you might need to break it off if it's something important to you.

[chicaboom]

Maybe - I haven't really seen any sign that the OP is willing to do that though. I think she wants him to come to her -

 

"And sometimes I am really busy and tired as well, but I want him to WANT to come over and see me. "

so she understands being tired and busy and not wanting to leave the home, but thinks even if he is, he should. That's the vibe I'm getting tbh.

 

And I think he does put in effort at the weekends, and had tried to come to her during the week and stay - I didn't see anywhere that she did the same.

 

I might be wrong - I'd like to hear back from the OP, she's been asked a few questions now that would help to get a better understanding.

 

But you might be right - perhaps they are just incompatible - they like to live in different places, the OP wants kids but I'm not sure she has brought this up - these could be dealbreaker issues alright.

 

Thanks for your input Joseb. I really thought your input was a different perspective. I do agree with you that I think I do expect the guy to put in more effort than me. And I do operate on the mentality "if the guy wants you he will put in the effort". Logically I can see how this is one sided and maybe erroneous thinking. However, I do want that type of guy in my life b/c I know that I would do anything for the man in my life as well.

[chicaboom]

Thanks everyone for all your input. REALLY REALLY HELPFUL! I love this forum. I think that everyone made really good points. Helps me keeps my sanity a bit before doing anything drastic with my boyfriend.

 

I think that what I am going to do is talk to him tomorrow and ask a lot of the "hard" questions. I get anxiety thinking about it b/c I'm scared his answers may all be deal breakers which would ultimately force me to make hard decisions. Well both of us.

 

I should let everyone know that my b/f and I are each other's longest relationship:eek:We have dated people and been in shorter term relationships but this is by far my most serious and longest relationship; for both of us.

 

Sometimes I feel like we're the blind leading the blind b/c we don't have a lot of experience with long -term relationships, which is why I feel like we haven't been talking about all the "hard" questions, bc we have no ****ing idea what we're doing! And we're both a little scared; each one waiting for the other to take the lead.

 

I honestly also don't have answers to some of those questions-or maybe I do and I'm just afraid to admit them. All I know right now for sure is that I want to be with this man and could see myself being very happy with him for a very long time.

 

We talked on the phone this week and he expressed that he felt like he was being pulled in many directions with his work traveling and work in general. He said he felt like he couldn't stretch himself anymore. I can understand as I use to have a job like his. We said that what we would try is to sleep over at the other person's house one a month during the weekday...both of us. Which means that even though I don't see the practicality in me sleeping over at his place FOR EITHER ONE OF US, I am going to travel an hour to and from his damn house on public transport no less, lol. I AM COMPROMISING PPL! He will also do the same once a month. I feel pretty comfortable with this as a starter since I actually have a lot on my plate as well atm during the weekdays. What does everyone thing? Good compromise?

 

 

I'll update everyone over the weekend after our talk...hopefully I won't be back with breakup news. I have no idea how to ask these things...what do I say "Do you want kids?"...like do I just blurt it out. oh god can someone just have this convo for me? Maybe I should send him an email, lol.

[juniorrocha]

Relationships should be balanced, so you should do some effort to go and see your man too. Seems like a good compromise.

 

While talking to him, you should bring up what your worries are, and what you expect in a relationship. It seems like you guys are going to be fine. Good luck, wishing for the best.

[joseb]

I think that what I am going to do is talk to him tomorrow and ask a lot of the "hard" questions. I get anxiety thinking about it b/c I'm scared his answers may all be deal breakers which would ultimately force me to make hard decisions.

. I have no idea how to ask these things...what do I say "Do you want kids?"...like do I just blurt it out.

 

I think it's good and necessary to ask the hard questions at this stage. It doesn't have to feel like the Spanish inquisitions though, try to keep calm and relaxed, but at the same time, you do need to find out this stuff.

I'm guilty of letting things drag on too long before.

 

Worst case scenario, you find out no, you are not on the same page.

Sad, but better to know now than in 3 years time.

 

 

We said that what we would try is to sleep over at the other person's house one a month during the weekday...both of us. Which means that even though I don't see the practicality in me sleeping over at his place FOR EITHER ONE OF US, I am going to travel an hour to and from his damn house on public transport no less, lol. I AM COMPROMISING PPL! He will also do the same once a month. I feel pretty comfortable with this as a starter since I actually have a lot on my plate as well atm during the weekdays. What does everyone thing? Good compromise?

 

Yip, I think it is a good compromise.

Did you suggest maybe meeting up during the week just for dinner occasionally, close to your place? Or is that not really viable.

 

p.s. I travel and hour on PT each way most days, no big deal.

It's a great time to read loveshack threads

[chicaboom]

I think it's good and necessary to ask the hard questions at this stage. It doesn't have to feel like the Spanish inquisitions though, try to keep calm and relaxed, but at the same time, you do need to find out this stuff.

I'm guilty of letting things drag on too long before.

 

Worst case scenario, you find out no, you are not on the same page.

Sad, but better to know now than in 3 years time.

 

 

 

Yip, I think it is a good compromise.

Did you suggest maybe meeting up during the week just for dinner occasionally, close to your place? Or is that not really viable.

 

p.s. I travel and hour on PT each way most days, no big deal.

It's a great time to read loveshack threads

 

 

Yes dinner during the weekdays without sleeping over is also an option:) An hour seems long when I can walk to work in 15 mins tho!!!

 

I notice you're in Melbourne! I lived there for 4 years. You're a lucky guy to be there!

[elaine567]

Problem here is that this "compromise", although somewhat good, does not really address the real issue.

How can this relationship progress if you are a downtown woman and he is a suburban man and there are no common plans to change anything.

 

It is not as if you both want to live in the country eventually, or you both aspire to a penthouse, or you both want that semi detached in suburbia.

You are both seemingly set in your ways as to where you live, and how is that ever going to work long term?

 

YOU are already dreading that once a month 1 hour trip to and from work and he, no doubt is not relishing a sleepless night in the city either.

[chicaboom]

Problem here is that this "compromise", although somewhat good, does not really address the real issue.

How can this relationship progress if you are a downtown woman and he is a suburban man and there are no common plans to change anything.

 

It is not as if you both want to live in the country eventually, or you both aspire to a penthouse, or you both want that semi detached in suburbia.

You are both seemingly set in your ways as to where you live, and how is that ever going to work long term?

 

YOU are already dreading that once a month 1 hour trip to and from work and he, no doubt is not relishing a sleepless night in the city either.

 

Thanks for your thoughts Elaine, and good point. Do you have any advice as to what I should do? Really open to anything. More open to advice on how to make it work than "just dump him". I would like to at least try before I call it quits for sure.

 

I think as I get older living RIGHT DOWNTOWN appeals less and less to me. The reason why I live downtown atm is because I don't drive and getting around is much simpler and more convenient for me atm. Also, my mother lives 20 minutes away and that is important to me.

 

I envision myself wanting to live a little further out of the downtown core eventually because the congestion does get to me now and I feel suffocated at times. I actually enjoy going to my boyfriends place on the weekends because it's quieter and closer to hiking trails. So i'm not totally opposed to moving further out.

 

I am really hoping that both he and I can come to a compromise where we don't live right down town, but also not as far as where he lives. Somewhere in the middle where we can still have the convenience of using public transport for me, and where he doesn't feel like he is trapped in a congested city. I think it's possible, but I suppose the question is does he? And is he willing to compromise in that way. To me, this doesn't seem like an impossible act but I need to figure out if he does. Because if it is then unfortunately I don't think things can work out. I need to know, bottom line, that he will do what it takes and work with me to make this work-that no matter what we can figure it out together and find a solution that will make both of us relatively happy (not without a few sacrifices of course on both our parts).

 

I think that is the real question I need ask and the answer I'm most afraid of hearing at this point.

 

I'm not sure if he is there yet, but I need to have an answer in some shape or form.

Edited June 11, 2016 by chicaboom
forgot to add something

[getsmartie]

I have a bit of a different view point. To the people that think once you're in a relationship with someone you need to spend ALL your free time and every night together I personally don't at all see that as healthy. There has to be a balance to having a healthy relationship. So what these people are saying is you give up your life once you are coupled up? Ridiculous and not healthy.

 

I'm a 51 yr old woman whose been with her partner now for 2 years. We do not live together. We have a weekly date night and were together on the weekends.

 

I have an active life....part of a running group, we run 3x a wk plus a cycling group 2x a wk. Based on what some people are saying I would need to give this up so that me and my partner can spend every night together. It's just my opinion but I don't see this as healthy.

 

OP, what I would do is suggest one more night a week together, say mid week and see if he could stay over one more evening. To suggest more than this is pushing it.

[elaine567]

I have a bit of a different view point. To the people that think once you're in a relationship with someone you need to spend ALL your free time and every night together I personally don't at all see that as healthy. There has to be a balance to having a healthy relationship. So what these people are saying is you give up your life once you are coupled up? Ridiculous and not healthy.

 

I'm a 51 yr old woman whose been with her partner now for 2 years. We do not live together. We have a weekly date night and were together on the weekends.

 

I have an active life....part of a running group, we run 3x a wk plus a cycling group 2x a wk. Based on what some people are saying I would need to give this up so that me and my partner can spend every night together. It's just my opinion but I don't see this as healthy.

 

OP, what I would do is suggest one more night a week together, say mid week and see if he could stay over one more evening. To suggest more than this is pushing it.

 

Ok but you are at a different point in your life from the OP, the OP is hoping to have children with this man eventually, and whilst you can happily see your partner once or twice a week till you are in you are in your eighties, the OP cannot realistically have a family life with a man she only sees at weekends.

[getsmartie]

Ok but you are at a different point in your life from the OP, the OP is hoping to have children with this man eventually, and whilst you can happily see your partner once or twice a week till you are in you are in your eighties, the OP cannot realistically have a family life with a man she only sees at weekends.

 

Valid point! And I guess if you want to have a family than its totally different.

 

I was referring to a post from Geata who is around my age and feels its normal to spend every night of the week together. Does this mean the life you had no longer exists when you partner up or is there a codependency relationship happening. If so unhealthy IMO.

[elaine567]

. I need to know, bottom line, that he will do what it takes and work with me to make this work-that no matter what we can figure it out together and find a solution that will make both of us relatively happy (not without a few sacrifices of course on both our parts).

 

I think that is the real question I need ask and the answer I'm most afraid of hearing at this point.

 

I'm not sure if he is there yet, but I need to have an answer in some shape or form.

 

Yes, you do need an answer and there is only one person that frankly can give it to you. You mention he is stretched at his job, is this a short term or a long term "stretch"?

He seems to be producing excuses as to why seeing you more often is not really possible at present apart from the once a month compromise, but if this is actually a long term "stretch", then he may be inadvertently telling you the answer you seek.

I note he is 33, which is prime settling down age, so the thought should have crossed his mind.

Has he been married before. Ltrs? Hurt? - that may colour his decisions though and so his attitude may be nothing to do with you or your relationship, just ultra cautious perhaps.

[Gaeta]

Valid point! And I guess if you want to have a family than its totally different.

 

I was referring to a post from Geata who is around my age and feels its normal to spend every night of the week together. Does this mean the life you had no longer exists when you partner up or is there a codependency relationship happening. If so unhealthy IMO.

 

That was a big assumption. Who says we had to abandon our respective lives? I still hike with my dog each night, still go out with my adult daughter and friends and he still plays golf and go out with his friends. In between all that we both do what's necessary to be together. Yesterday he worked till 22h at night. Instead of heading to his bed 4km away he preferred to sleep next to me (25km), knowing he had to be up at 6h this morning and back to work. You are someone's priority or you're not. And if you are he will show you with his actions. Even at 50.