chicaboom Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I have been seeing my boyfriend for a year now. He lives an hour away from me by car. He's the best guy I've ever dated but I'm starting to feel a little sad about how little time we see each other. Because he lives in a suburb an hour away and I live downtown we don't see each other often during the weekday. We will usually spend the weekends together either at my place or his. I feel like he is being really stubborn b/c he also works downtown so I don't understand why he can't just sleep over at my place during the weekday. He is a sensitive sleeper and is very set in his ways (likes everything a certain way). I've spoken to him about how I want to see him more, and how I would like him to sleep over during the weekdays, he always says he will try to sleep over more but after a while we fall back into our old routine of seeing each other on the weekends. And sometimes I am really busy and tired as well, but I want him to WANT to come over and see me. I don't want to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. Now that we have been together a year I am seriously questioning our compatibility on this. We both own our places, but eventually I would like to move in together. He hates the city and loves the suburb. I asked him once early on if he thought he could ever compromise on where we lived (if we ever moved in together)-somewhere halfway between the city and suburb and he couldn't really give me a solid answer without getting specifics from me (e.g., when would this happen, what are would we move to, would we sell our places?). At the time, and now, these are specifics that I don't have the answer to. I only wanted a general answer from him to a hypothetical situation but I didn't get anything. My gut feels like he maybe is too independent and may never be able to compromise. What does everyone think? Is this a deal breaker? Is this something that would make us incompatible? Should I throw in the towel now?
kztar Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 So I just want to tell you that I went through something like this not too long ago. I would say that his behavior is a red flag. My ex and I had the SAME exact problem. Turns out he was no longer interested in me period. Did he talk about moving in together in the past?. Is he willing to compromise?. How often does HE initiate coming to see you ? 1
Author chicaboom Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 Oh god, that gives me anxiety to read your post kztar:( On the weekends he initiates a lot! It's the weekdays that we don't see each other. I just want to see him more but I don't know how to make it work. He clearly is ok with just seeing me on weekends. but I feel like I need more. We haven't spoken about moving in together. The last time we did was when I asked him about that hypothetical question about compromising on living area and when he didn't give me an answer I told him it was a deal breaker for me and broke up with him, but then he cried and I got back with him ugh. but I didn't want to break up with him-i just wanted to save myself some pain if things weren't going to work out b/c we couldn't agree on where to live. What happened with you and your partner? 1
hippychick3 Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I just reread your previous thread. I'm curious if he's told you yet that he loves you? 2
Author chicaboom Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 I just reread your previous thread. I'm curious if he's told you yet that he loves you? Haha I also re read my previous thread...same issue a year later! Yes, he has said he loves me. We've said it to each other. I just don't know if I should cut my losses. It would break my heart to have to end things b/c of this, but I don't want to be one of those women who stays with a man for many years and ends up unhappy in the end. I'm also 30 so if I want to have children I can't waste too much time with the "wrong" person 1
VeveCakes Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Dating a year and only seeing each other on weekends? Not a great sign when you don't have a long distance relationship. Would he up for you going to his place during the week? Can he pick you up and drive you back in the am? 1
Author chicaboom Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 Hi Veve Cakes, yes he asks me to come over during the weeknights, but because he lives so far coming in for work would be so crazy. I literally live 15 minutes walking from my work, 30 minutes from his work so to me it makes more sense for him to stay over at my place! But like I mentioned he is very sensitive to his sleeping environment and doesn't sleep as well at my place.
joseb Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Hi Veve Cakes, yes he asks me to come over during the weeknights, but because he lives so far coming in for work would be so crazy. I literally live 15 minutes walking from my work, 30 minutes from his work so to me it makes more sense for him to stay over at my place! But like I mentioned he is very sensitive to his sleeping environment and doesn't sleep as well at my place. Ok, I can see your practical argument for your place, but it doesn't sound like you are super keen to see him during the week either if you won't go to his. How often have to stayed at his? Have you two discussed children? Does he know you want them (soon)? 2
VeveCakes Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 If it were me I would do what it takes to make it work. I mean, I was dating someone who lived over an hour away and I would stay at his house and get up early, drove home and take care of my horses before driving to work (30 mins away). If you want to spend time with him, you will do what it takes. Sounds like you both prefer your time over each other. 1
Emilia Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Hi Veve Cakes, yes he asks me to come over during the weeknights, but because he lives so far coming in for work would be so crazy. I literally live 15 minutes walking from my work, 30 minutes from his work so to me it makes more sense for him to stay over at my place! But like I mentioned he is very sensitive to his sleeping environment and doesn't sleep as well at my place. I have trouble sleeping as well. It's bad enough when someone is in my bed (it takes me a little while to get used to him) adding to this staying in someone else's place, it's even harder. He obviously finds that during the week he needs his sleep because of work. I think you are being inconsiderate. 1
kztar Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Oh god, that gives me anxiety to read your post kztar:( On the weekends he initiates a lot! It's the weekdays that we don't see each other. I just want to see him more but I don't know how to make it work. He clearly is ok with just seeing me on weekends. but I feel like I need more. We haven't spoken about moving in together. The last time we did was when I asked him about that hypothetical question about compromising on living area and when he didn't give me an answer I told him it was a deal breaker for me and broke up with him, but then he cried and I got back with him ugh. but I didn't want to break up with him-i just wanted to save myself some pain if things weren't going to work out b/c we couldn't agree on where to live. What happened with you and your partner? Hi chicaboom, I think that for now it's not a huge concern since he is still initiating however, for the amount of time you've been together I would still say is a little weird he only initiates on weekends. My ex and I were together for 1.5 years, lived 1 hour away from each other and I live in the city (NYC) and he lives out in the suburbs in Long island. Just like you I only saw him on weekends and I traveled to him all the time. With the exception of our initial dating stages. He hates the city and I didn't really like the suburbs. It was boring and all we ever did was go out to eat there. We had the move in talk and initially (within the first couple of months) he was willing to compromise, 8 month mark he stopped talking about it and at the 1 year mark he said he was not willing to compromise, he would only move somewhere where it was 10 min away from his job. I was willing to move out there and commute to work. Little by little he started changing and changing and finally the bomb exploded. He was no longer interested in being with me. His behavior was telling me everything but I refused to believe that in my head. Look out for red flags by his behavior. I strongly encourage you to have that TALK and see where his head is. If he doesn't give you an actual verbal answer, believe me his behavior will say it all. As far as him crying and begging, rejection is a tough thing, but remember you can't keep going in circles. He's either willing to compromise or not. Period. 5
kztar Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Dating a year and only seeing each other on weekends? Not a great sign when you don't have a long distance relationship. Would he up for you going to his place during the week? Can he pick you up and drive you back in the am? Agree. I wouldn't do this again. These relationships will eventually fade. Red flag waving. 1
SwordofFlame Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Wouldn't a good compromise be that he spends one weekday at your place and you spend one at his? 2
Lorenza Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 Me and my boyfriend live 1,5 h away from each other - in the same city but the opposite sides of it and none of us owns a car. We mainly see each other on the weekends even though his university is quite close to my place. In his case he needed his computer and some special equipment which made it impossible for him to stay at my place on weekdays, even though it would make sense distance wise. So it's a similar situation to yours, except that I don't mind meeting on the weekends. It would be much more concerning if it was the opposite. I mean - whenever he's free, he devotes his time to you instead of just spending some tired evenings during the week and then go spend his free time with his buddies. Why do you even prefer quantity to quality and what would those few more nights change? People need to be alone as much as being together. If its essential for him to get some good sleep during the week, it would be exhausting and suffocating for him to need to compromise his well-being for your neediness. It's your place and will neber be as comfortable as his place, unless it was a common home which it isn't yet. 1
Miss Peach Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 When I met my XH we lived in different cities about an hour apart. We still managed to see each other 1-2 days during the week. I dated another guy who lived 2 hours away and he would spend his day off getting sandwiches in order to have a picnic with me on a day I had to work. It would bother me even more if my BF worked near me and still wouldn't at least stop by for some dinner, to workout, TV, or some time together doing something during the week. It doesn't need to be every day but not even one day during the weekdays would leave it hard for me to build a connection. 2
Gaeta Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I live in the suburbs and my boyfriend in town. His work is 4km from his apartment yet he chooses to drive 1 hour through traffic to come to me almost every night. My boyfriend too is a very light sleeper and his first months at my home he would not sleep at all. On top of that he is asthmatic and I have dog. AND to make the matter even worse my bed is not tall enough for him. YET he chooses to drive to me every night because like he says, being with me is more important. After 6 months he now sleeps like a baby. He got used to the bed, the noise, the dog because he chose to make an effort. Your boyfriend prefers the comfort of his home than to make an effort and get adapted to your place and adapted to the distance. He probably chooses himself in other aspects of your relationship as well. That being said, efforts come with motivation. My boyfriend is highly motivated to be with me that's why he makes all of these efforts. How motivated do you think your boyfriend is. 4
kztar Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I live in the suburbs and my boyfriend in town. His work is 4km from his apartment yet he chooses to drive 1 hour through traffic to come to me almost every night. My boyfriend too is a very light sleeper and his first months at my home he would not sleep at all. On top of that he is asthmatic and I have dog. AND to make the matter even worse my bed is not tall enough for him. YET he chooses to drive to me every night because like he says, being with me is more important. After 6 months he now sleeps like a baby. He got used to the bed, the noise, the dog because he chose to make an effort. Your boyfriend prefers the comfort of his home than to make an effort and get adapted to your place and adapted to the distance. He probably chooses himself in other aspects of your relationship as well. That being said, efforts come with motivation. My boyfriend is highly motivated to be with me that's why he makes all of these efforts. How motivated do you think your boyfriend is. This right here shows dedication. This is what compromising is. Take notes OP. 1
Author chicaboom Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 This is exactly what I am questioning and wasn't sure if I was being too demanding or inconsiderate as some other posters have mentioned. I don't think it makes sense for me to travel to his place during the weekdays bc I live closer to BOTH of our workplaces. If it was reversed I would totally go. He definitely chooses himself in other aspects of our relationship. And sometimes I do too, but I have been feeling like I am more likely to sacrifice for the relationship than him. I guess I just don't know if I am being too demanding, selfish vs. he is not compromising enough for the relationship. I guess I just don't know if this is a deal breaker or not. Is it too much to expect that we see each other more often considering all the factors I've mentioned? Am I selfish for not making the effort to go to his place during the weekday even though he lives an hour out of the city and it would be SUPER inconvenient for me to get to work! If he stayed at my place it would be so easy for both of us. I guess the bottom line is that he doesn't want to make the effort to see me during the weekday and is content with just seeing me on the weekends. And I have to decide if this is enough for me...right? 3
Author chicaboom Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 But this is what I don't understand. Why isn't he willing to do what it takes to see me AND be closer to work? It really doesn't make practical sense for me to go all the way out to his place just to have to come all the way back into the city the next morning. I feel like he gets more pros staying at my place than me staying at his place during the weekdays. where is the effort on his part?
SwordofFlame Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 But this is what I don't understand. Why isn't he willing to do what it takes to see me AND be closer to work? It really doesn't make practical sense for me to go all the way out to his place just to have to come all the way back into the city the next morning. I feel like he gets more pros staying at my place than me staying at his place during the weekdays. where is the effort on his part? Does he have some kind of morning routine? For example, a few days a week I go to the gym first thing in the morning near my apartment before heading to work. You may win out location wise but there could be other reasons why it's an inconvenience for him.
Cinnamonstix Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 I agree with Gaeta. My boyfriend's behaviour was very similar to hers when we lived apart, in that he'd come to my home (up to an hour drive to his work in traffic) even though he lived within walking distance to work. He wants nothing more than to see me every night and wake up to me every morning. There are men out there who will want this with you. They are the ones worth investing your time in. They won't take forever to say I love you (sounds like you may have had that issue?) and they will talk about the future in a way that leaves no room for doubt that you're in it. And please don't listen to anyone that calls you needy. You're not. Seeing your bf only on weekends may be enough for him, but it's not enough for you. No shame in that. 3
Author chicaboom Posted June 8, 2016 Author Posted June 8, 2016 I agree with Gaeta. My boyfriend's behaviour was very similar to hers when we lived apart, in that he'd come to my home (up to an hour drive to his work in traffic) even though he lived within walking distance to work. He wants nothing more than to see me every night and wake up to me every morning. There are men out there who will want this with you. They are the ones worth investing your time in. They won't take forever to say I love you (sounds like you may have had that issue?) and they will talk about the future in a way that leaves no room for doubt that you're in it. And please don't listen to anyone that calls you needy. You're not. Seeing your bf only on weekends may be enough for him, but it's not enough for you. No shame in that. So what should I do?? Is this it? Should I call it quits...I'm really at a loss as to what I should do. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 (edited) So what should I do?? Is this it? Should I call it quits...I'm really at a loss as to what I should do. It sounds like you want a life partner, so I would ask yourself: Does the relationship feel like it is progressing? Do you have similar goals and values in life? Do you both want the same kind of relationship in terms of affection, space needs, how you resolve issues, etc.? Can you honestly picture yourself happy with this man the rest of your life? The way things are now should be your indicator, not what they COULD BE. As for the second to last question, it doesn't sound like he necessarily needs lots of space. It seems like he is willing to spend more time with you if you do the work and come to him. Is that enough for you? Edited June 8, 2016 by Cinnamonstix 3
Dis Posted June 8, 2016 Posted June 8, 2016 It sounds like you want a life partner, so I would ask yourself: Does the relationship feel like it is progressing? Do you have similar goals and values in life? Do you both want the same kind of relationship in terms of affection, space needs, how you resolve issues, etc.? Can you honestly picture yourself happy with this man the rest of your life? The way things are now should be your indicator, not what they COULD BE. As for the second to last question, it doesn't sound like he necessarily needs lots of space. It seems like he is willing to spend more time with you if you do the work and come to him. Is that enough for you? The bold and underlined text is really key here and great advice. Men really dont change much...what you see now is what you get. After reading your thread I'm doubting that you'd remain happy with his level of effort for the rest of your life. Of course this is your choice...I'm just getting the sense you might end up discontented down the road and end up pulling the plug...I wouldnt blame you 3
TXGuy Posted June 9, 2016 Posted June 9, 2016 (edited) This right here shows dedication. This is what compromising is. Take notes OP. It is certainly dedication, but it isn't anywhere close to compromise. It is total capitulation. I'm not knocking it. Good for Gaeta. But this is not an example of compromise and OP (and others) should not expect the dedication. Alternatively, OP could show similar 'compromise' by driving to BF's house every night. But she won't even do it once. Edited June 9, 2016 by TXGuy 4
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