Kinder77 Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 (edited) Will try and keep this post as short as I can make it.. Would appreciate anyones advice or knowledge of a similar experience. I was with my girlfriend for nearly three years. We met at university and quickly became involved with one another. She was very quick to tell me that she loved me and she wanted us to be in a relationship as soon as possible. As we got together she told me that she had previously been raped, however she would not ever tell me who done it (which later led me to question whether or not it happened) She proceeded to tell me that every relationship she had been in prior to myself, she was either physically abused or cheated on. I instantly felt her vulnerability and extreme insecurity. I fell for her very deeply and felt as though it was my duty to care for her to the best of my ability, to be the best boyfriend so that she wouldn't have to suffer another terrible ordeal. So we hit it off instantly and were inseparable... However things started to change. We would be intimate with each other but it was difficult in the beginning as she would become upset whenever we tried to do stuff and she was painfully insecure about pleasuring me and her body. We eventually started having sex and became comfortable with each other and the sex soon became great. Now for when things started to drift. She would drink quite often as most people do at university, however she was drinking 4-5 times a week but she became a different animal when she was drunk. She was awful to be around. She would completely change and do stuff that was so out of character that it didn't make sense to me. That is where our problems began. I would tell her about the things she would do and she either would brush them off by laughing or by simply saying that she didn't remember. She would become abusive sometimes. When sober her moods started to change also. She would be so happy but then snap or walk away if she took offence to anything that I said or done. She would make me feel so guilty for spending time with my friends and not her. She would always create arguments and dramas and then flip and change what she said. We would argue but she would never apologise or admit defeat even when she was clearly in the wrong. This made the arguments much much worse as it always got to an extreme before she would finally put her hand up and say "ok, I'm sorry". This made me more angry with her as i couldn't comprehend how she couldn't identify with what she was doing or that it was bad for us, for her and for the relationship. Skip 14 months, her mother pays for us to go on holiday for her birthday. We go to spain for 4 days and seemingly have a great time, However we argued, but only when she drank. She would drink and say or do things that would just piss me off and I couldn't take it anymore. We got back to the hotel, had a huge argument and she was so stubborn that she would not admit defeat and was changing what was said and done. So i thought fuxk this and went and sat in the bathroom. About 40 minutes later she comes in to apologise and we make up. The rest of the holiday goes well and we fly home. We get back to university and she has a birthday shindig with everyone. We go to a bar and there are some first years that we have never met before. So my girlfriend is seemingly very drunk when i arrive, i buy her a drink and spend some time with her but then head off to go and sit with my friends to share a drink. I glance over to see her being very touchy feely with a first year guy and i thought nothing of it as she was quite a tactile person. So I ignore it and carrying drinking with my friends. I then glance over again to see both of them kiss at the bar. I went crazy. But my friends stopped me and said that she is drunk and to not make a scene. So i sat back down and tired to carry on, ignoring what I had just seen. Then around 15 minutes drift by and I stand up to go see her and i can't find her, nor the guy she was kissing. So I begin to search the bar looking for them, then i suddenly see them. They are tucked away in a little corner with their hands all over each other and as i walk over my girlfriend jumps out of her skin. She looked like shed seen a ghost. She quickly jumped up and put her hands all over me and then i erupted. I went fuxking ape shi,t and called her out on what she was doing, she instantly denied it and said that it was nothing and that they were just talking. I confronted her about the kiss and she also denied kissing him, I was literally like what the fuxk!!, i just saw you kiss. How the fuxk could you even deny it?!?!? So I left the bar to walk home with her in hot pursuit after me. We argue in the streets for what seems an hour. She kept grabbing onto me and i kept telling her not to touch me and to leave me alone, but she keeps grabbing me and pulling me back, i eventually rip my arm free and she launches onto my body. I push her off of me and then she proceeds to punch me 3-4 times in the face. Then i tell her its over and that i want nothing to do with her. Yeah, i know...... crazy right.. So anyway, I try to move on. She comes to my house the next day begging, she is outside my door for 3 hours trying to get in and i wouldn't let her. She rung me 90 times, i ignored every call. I eventually answered a text telling her to go away and she said that she had a letter she wanted to give me and then she would leave. She i buzzed her up and she slid the letter under the door and then left. She was apologising, blaming the drink and saying that she couldn't remember doing it, she couldn't remember anything. same old, same old excuses that i had grown to loathe. Again, i thought "Fuxk her" she's gone too far now, I gave and gave and gave and she threw it in my face. I tired to be the perfect boyfriend for her but i couldn't handle her mood swings, the drinking, the arguments and the excuses and now cheating and hitting me. She done to me exactly what she said everyone else had done to her. So I left her and moved on. I tried dating, i met a girl a few times but realised i was still in love with my ex. She was distraught and had been binge drinking for weeks to deal with her pain. So we meet and chat and then agree to start seeing each other again, but i told her that she needed to change and that things needed to change. The first month was bliss, back to normal, no fights, no arguments and we had the best sex ever. However, things take a turn for the worse. I proceed to threaten the guy who kissed her at a party and she pulled me away from him, we then go back to her house and she is calming me down, we have sex, i film it and then we go on with our lives. We have a fight the next day or a few days later and she accuses me of raping her. I was gobsmacked. I called her sick and twisted and couldn't believe that she would ever do something like that. I later found out that she had told other people I had raped her, I had hit her and that i was crazy. So i break it off again because she hit a new low. I couldn't take all of this and i called her out on everything and she denied telling people any of it. She said that she never said any of the things to anyone at any point. She did. I later discovered she'd done all of it. More time passes, we end up back together. I couldn't help it. As much as i hated her, i still loved her. I felt as though she needed me and that she couldn't cope without me. I saw the effects i had on her when i left her and she was a complete wreck. She would do things that threatened her health and she was in so much pain that i felt i had to take care of her. So we are back together. The fights are becoming more frequent and she is falling into the same old Shi,t again and I really couldn't handle the constant mood swings, lies, blame. I knew i wanted to end it for real this time, but i was so torn as i still loved her so much. But i ended up having a one night stand with a girl. I instantly regretted it and i was still with my girlfriend at the time. I Fuxked up and i knew i Fuxked up, so i ended it with her. We didn't speak for 3 months, the longest no contact in our entire relationship. I proceed to start seeing the girl i had a one night stand with, but turns out she's also all kinds of Fuxked up. She had previously been with an emotionally abusive guy who subjected her to all kinds of abuse. Turns out we were both coming off of the back of emotionally abusive relationships. So as you can imagine that completely Fuxked up as she couldn't handle intimacy and was still in love with her emotionally abusive ex boyfriend and i was still in love with my emotionally abusive ex girlfriend. We end up reconciling again. But she had graduated at this point and lived around a 30 minute train journey away. We would see each other maybe 2-3 times a week. The distance didn't make help anything. She became increasingly distant as did I and whenever we saw each other we would argue. She carried on drinking as per usual and fell straight into her usual habits. Then Shi,t really hits the fan. She finds out about the girl i was seeing and then puts me through hell. I tried to explain that all of it happened when we weren't together but i did admit to having sex with her whilst we were together. So we argued, fought, threw abuse at each other for both cheating on one another, but eventually we calmed things down and carried on the relationship. But every time we argued she would bring up "the other girl", completely forgetting what she had done with the boy she cheated on me with. I later found out that there was a rumour going around that they had slept together. I will still never know if this was true or not. Now it gets really juicy. So we continue seeing each other, she constantly throws abuse at me for sleeping with this other girl every time we see each other. She dragged me through the fiery gates of hell and back, but i stayed with her because i loved her. I wanted to fight through it, to work to be together. I believed in the love we had for each other and so did she. Turns out she fuxked another girl. How did i find out? the girl who she fuxked told me. Because she couldn't stand seeing what my girlfriend was putting me through, especially knowing that she had also cheated. She was emotionally abusing me for something she had also done, again. I confront her about it, she laughs in my face and quickly changes the subject. I had caught her out and she did all in her power to get out of it, until finally admitting it and guess what her excuse was... "i was so drunk and i can't even remember it happening". She had fuxked with my head for months for what i had done to her, for how i slept with someone else and she had fuxking done it herself! She told me that i had completely fuxked her up, that i had completely messed her head up, how she constantly felt fat and not good enough, because i girl i slept with was tiny, she was like a size 6. But i couldn't believe what she put me through knowing damn well that she had done it herself. We get back together again. What can i say.... we loved each other so much but just couldn't make it work. So she finds out a load of other Shi,t about the girl i saw briefly and couldn't take it anymore. She dumps me. She came round to my house to tell me to my face that it was finally over. She cries, i cry and she tells me that this was the last thing she wanted to happen, that she never wanted to leave me but she feels she has to. She told me that we need to both go away from each other for a little while to make some changes, she needs to make changes and i need to make changes and then she said we could get back together. She leaves and i am gutted, truly heartbroken.. As like i said, through all the bullshi,t i loved this girl. I still love this girl. I felt like robert de niro when his wife is sharon stone in casino.. All the Shi,t she puts him through, he still loves her. So the tables have turned. I am begging to get her back. I beg, i cry, i try everything in the book to get her back. Nothing, nothing works and she is drifting further and further away from me. We carry on speaking everyday for 8 months. I try everything to get her back, but she won't. She is so hot and cold with me and Fuxked my head up worse than when we were together. One minute she would tell me she still loved me, next she would tell me that we are just friends and i need to move on. She was now drinking pretty much every day, taking drugs and living in a 20 people shared warehouse. I am still trying to get her back. She agrees to finally meet with me and we have a blast. We hadn't seen each other for 6 months and instantly it was like we were back together again. She was holding my hand, kissing my cheek, being very affectionate. The night ends and i walk her to her bus and she leaves. Then it goes back into the same routine. She told me she still loves me, is still in love with me, but then tells me we are just friends and i need to move on.... I was literally like "what the Fuxk is going on"... Im still chasing and pining and she is slowly drifting further away. She is barely responding to my messages now and she so cold and unaffectionate that it was truly breaking my heart. I try one last effort to try and get her back as i knew this was all or nothing. I send her some christmas presents and then ask to meet her again as i had something important to tell her. She received the presents and then rejected them saying that she can't except them from me now we are not together, but she agreed to meet me so she can give me them back. So we meet, we end up kissing, going to dinner and again we have a blast... Then i walk her to the train and we kiss again then i watch her walk away. She ignores me for 4 days and then tells me we are just friends and i need to move on. So i couldn't take it anymore and i move to live 2 hours away from her to try to heal. But she still had my chain. I asked for it back repeatedly and she kept telling me she would send it and weeks drifted by. Every week she would tell me she would send it and she never did. 5-6 weeks later i get sick of it and demand it back, she then tells me "i never knew there was a time limit", I was like this woman is nuts... Fuxking cookoo, bananas. She sends the chain, finally wrapped in newspaper. How delicate and affectionate. Now for the grand finale. Hold onto your seats people and try to understand why this has Fuxked me up so much. I get told by a mutual friend that she used to live with for 2 years at university that she had accuses me of raping her to him. Guilt tripped him for seeing me, telling him, "how could you spend time with him after what he did to me?" She tried to sleep one of my friends at a house party when she was drunk, she had been lying to me and pretty much everyone. She told me she took acid whilst she was at work and explained to me what she saw when she was tripping.. It never happened. She later admitted that she made that up. She lied about taking other drugs, she lied about Fuxking everything. I found out so much Shi,t it would make your head spin. I called her out on everything and she denied all of it, laughing at me and then telling me to ask certain people what happened as they were there. I had already spoken to those people and got the truth, I called her out on that as well and she went silent. She didn't have anything to stay other than "well if you believe all that then i never want to see or speak to you ever again". She is a compulsive liar, pretty much an alcoholic, she cheated on me and hit me. She strung me along after she dumped me for 8 months, dangling a carrot in front of her with her hot and cold actions/words for me then to find out she has a new boyfriend. But she was still texting me and meeting up with me!?!! I was so Fuxked up from this and still am to a certain extent. I am still in love with her and i know its crazy but i cant move on. Ive tried dating others but every time it just doesn't feel right. The way that she would speak to me and look at me and tell me she loved me. She said all this stuff that i now don't know if she was lying or not... It seems like our whole relationship was a lie. I don't even know if she was raped before i got with her as it seems she cries wolf on everyone she has dated. She trashes all of their names. So god knows what else she has been saying to other people about me. I have been doing research and i think she has BPD Borderline personality disorder and she is a compulsive lair. I tired to get over it but now i think i need to start therapy cause this has royally Fuxked me up. Any advice would be much appreciated, especially if someone has been through something similar... Thank you for taking the time to read my story and again, any advice or help would make so much difference for me.... Cheers guys J x Edited May 24, 2016 by Kinder77 1
salparadise Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Whew! I read it all. This is about as dysfunctional as it gets. What you describe does sound like BPD but let's not belabor whether it is or isn't. You already know how extremely dysfunctional the whole thing was (is?). Why did you not just walk away? Why are you like a moth to the flame? Love? Pffft. To certain people, certain personality types, these kinds of drama-filled attachments are highly addictive... otherwise known as codependency. Yes, get into therapy asap. I hope you get a highly skilled therapist because it's not going to be an easy, quick fix. You're going to have to heal from the trauma and learn to redefine what kind of behavior/treatment you're attracted to, what love is, where your boundaries are, etc., etc. Throughout that diatribe you repeatedly said you went back because you "loved" her. Well, you were attached but it was through the dysfunction. You've got a lot of work to do. Get recommendations on a therapist so you won't waste time. You're actually lucky that she ended it and is sticking to it. I know you're going through a difficult time and i don't mean to minimize that, but I think you need help getting real with yourself rather than sympathy for being a victim. It was you that kept going back time after time. You need to get to the why of that part. 1
gimlynick Posted May 24, 2016 Posted May 24, 2016 Okay... 1) She has huge mental issues, it's unhealthy. She needs professional assitance but it's not your job to help her in this. Your story with her is over. 2) Block her on everything. Break all contact. Forever. It's messed up for ever inbetween you two. Don't break this. It will only get worse. 3) If she comes to your place and she does not leave. Call the cops... I am a cop, it's something we allmost do on a weekly base. Most of the times if we have to come one time, the 'crazy ex' starts to realize what he/she is doing... So the 'stalking' is over. 4) Go get some help aswell. Talk with your parents/friends/family or better... Talk with someone who is specialised in this 5) Heal slowly. Take your time. First couple of months will be horrible. But work out, do stuff in a public atmosphere. 6) If she keeps on spreading rumours about you raping her, then explain the situation to a professional. Man, this girl is a huge mess. Without proper help she is screwed for life. Run away! 1
Author Kinder77 Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 Yeah I'm only just starting to really come to terms with how screwed up she is and how on a level there must be something wrong with me to make me want to fix her and stay in it. I'm seeing a therapist so hopefully we can figure this all out. Just crazy how someone who claims to love you, can put you through so much pain. If she is borderline then to a certain extent she can't help it, but she must know that there is something really wrong with her. Sucks in a way that I can't tell her or try to help her with her problems and that she will continue with this crazy circle or hurting herself and others until she faces her problems. I was thinking about getting something done regarding the rape accusations cause that is some serious shi,t that could potentially do a lot of damage. So i really hope she stops that or i will get the police involved. Thanks for the advice man. Im nearly 3 months in no contact and she only tried to contact me once. She sent a text saying she thought about me which i ignored and now I'm just gonna focus on myself and healing.
Author Kinder77 Posted May 24, 2016 Author Posted May 24, 2016 Thanks for the advice man! Yeah the whole thing was crazy.. I've been stuck for a while running things over in my head to try to make sense of it all and I'm finally facing the reality of what happened and why it happened. I did walk. I walked three times and every time i tried to move on but she was always in the back of my mind when i was seeing other people. For some reason i just couldn't let go of her. I think i may be codependent and I'm going to start seeing a therapist to help me heal and work on self love, self confidence and making sure that i never end up in another relationship like this again. But now i feel like i have a grasp on that behaviour and could spot it a lot sooner, so i would walk away from anyone who exhibited any of those traits. I get the why i kept going back. I honestly was in love with her, still am to a certain extent, because there were some amazing times and we shared nearly 3 years together. I came back out of love but every time it was thrown back at me. I see it as a blessing now that it is over and i think it has opened my eyes into what i need to work on and to truly find someone who has love for themselves. I think its very true, they say you can't love someone until you love yourself. Again thank you for the advice man. I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and sharing your thoughts. J
salparadise Posted May 26, 2016 Posted May 26, 2016 I'm glad you're in therapy and it seems like some important realizations are coming into focus for you. You said, "...to a certain extent she can't help it, but she must know that there is something really wrong with her. Sucks in a way that I can't tell her or try to help her with her problems and that she will continue with this crazy circle or hurting herself and others until she faces her problems." To clarify a few thing here... yes, she probably does realize, on some level, that something about her is different, however, they typically have layers of defenses built up to keep from having to deal with painful realizations concerning themselves. One of them is projection––attributing to the intimate partner that which is amiss in themselves but cannot be brought into conscious awareness. You're right when you say she can't help it, but t's not just to a certain extent... she is not choosing how to act and react in a conscious manner. She is largely controlled by emotions, which are unregulated, exaggerated and inappropriate. True, you can't help her. You can only save yourself. The inclination to help, fix, heal through love, etc., and the belief that if you stick with her and demonstrate unconditional loyalty she will be eternally grateful, appreciative, healed and loyal to you is one reason it's hard to move on for codependents. It's a need to be needed type of mentality that compensates for a sense of not being worthy of a more freely given and fully functional kind of love. "Until she faces her problems..." Not likely to happen. They usually don't stick with therapy long enough, they sabotage, undermine, try to seduce the therapist and all kind of stuff. But even if they give it a good try, at the point they start to realize just how broken they are the defenses will kick in, the therapist becomes evil, and they're gone. The dysfunction is deeply seated and persistent because it's integrated into the core personality. Even if she were to participate in therapy with exceptional determination, incremental success with coping skills is about all you could expect. Unfortunately, it's all a part of who she is fundamentally. There is something in our brain's wiring that makes this mistreatment addictive. We know it's dysfunctional and that the logical choice would be to simply move on like you would with anyone else you dated but decided not to pursue a relationship with. Their extreme, dysfunctional needs, combined with a codependent's need to be needed, results in strong attachments. In retrospect, we also some need to make sense of it all and salvage something good from the experience. It's probably cognitive dissonance (look it up). Your continuing use of the word "love" and idealization of the "good times" are probably unconscious attempts to give some order to the irrational and bring your cognitions into harmony with the emotion. Eventually you'll come to just accept that it wasn't rational, it's in the past, and you are now able to consciously choose rationality for the present and future. 1
Author Kinder77 Posted May 31, 2016 Author Posted May 31, 2016 I'm glad you're in therapy and it seems like some important realizations are coming into focus for you. You said, "...to a certain extent she can't help it, but she must know that there is something really wrong with her. Sucks in a way that I can't tell her or try to help her with her problems and that she will continue with this crazy circle or hurting herself and others until she faces her problems." To clarify a few thing here... yes, she probably does realize, on some level, that something about her is different, however, they typically have layers of defenses built up to keep from having to deal with painful realizations concerning themselves. One of them is projection––attributing to the intimate partner that which is amiss in themselves but cannot be brought into conscious awareness. You're right when you say she can't help it, but t's not just to a certain extent... she is not choosing how to act and react in a conscious manner. She is largely controlled by emotions, which are unregulated, exaggerated and inappropriate. True, you can't help her. You can only save yourself. The inclination to help, fix, heal through love, etc., and the belief that if you stick with her and demonstrate unconditional loyalty she will be eternally grateful, appreciative, healed and loyal to you is one reason it's hard to move on for codependents. It's a need to be needed type of mentality that compensates for a sense of not being worthy of a more freely given and fully functional kind of love. "Until she faces her problems..." Not likely to happen. They usually don't stick with therapy long enough, they sabotage, undermine, try to seduce the therapist and all kind of stuff. But even if they give it a good try, at the point they start to realize just how broken they are the defenses will kick in, the therapist becomes evil, and they're gone. The dysfunction is deeply seated and persistent because it's integrated into the core personality. Even if she were to participate in therapy with exceptional determination, incremental success with coping skills is about all you could expect. Unfortunately, it's all a part of who she is fundamentally. There is something in our brain's wiring that makes this mistreatment addictive. We know it's dysfunctional and that the logical choice would be to simply move on like you would with anyone else you dated but decided not to pursue a relationship with. Their extreme, dysfunctional needs, combined with a codependent's need to be needed, results in strong attachments. In retrospect, we also some need to make sense of it all and salvage something good from the experience. It's probably cognitive dissonance (look it up). Your continuing use of the word "love" and idealization of the "good times" are probably unconscious attempts to give some order to the irrational and bring your cognitions into harmony with the emotion. Eventually you'll come to just accept that it wasn't rational, it's in the past, and you are now able to consciously choose rationality for the present and future. You speak a lot of sense Salparadise and your words have helped me a lot. Ive looked up on cognitive dissonance and i think you were spot on with that too. Its just as you say, trying to salvage something pleasant from the experience of make sense of my messed up emotions. I just think its crazy how i still think about her. I had an experience today that was pretty life altering and the first thing i wanted to do was call her. Nuts how the mind works sometimes. Im gradually feeling better and i think of her a lot less now. Im still trying to make sense of her actions and try to rationalise it but i realise that i can't comprehend what was going on inside her head. Like how could she lie to people telling them that i raped her and hit her.... I just cant get my head around her and her lies. She was very controlling and i think some of her actions are just evil. I cant believe i put up with her for all that time, but i just felt as though i couldnt leave her, i felt as though i would destroy her life if i left her permanently. Let's see if my therapist can help me work all this out and finally reach peace of mind on everything. Thank you again for your advice pal J
Author Kinder77 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 My ex broke up with me over 9 months ago and she has a new boyfriend now. Turns out she was actually pretty crazy and was accusing me of raping & hitting her. She was a compulsive liar and done all kinds of things in our relationship (including cheating right in front of me) that I look back on now and I am still in disbelief that I continued in the relationship. Anyway 9 months have passed. My ex last messaged me around 3 months ago to say she thought of me and asked how my father was, as I told her he had cancer. I didn't reply as I found out she was now seeing someone new and quite frankly I'm done with her. Her mother text me on Sunday to tell me that her father had passed away a few months ago and asked me if I still had the prized Muhammad Ali picture that he gave me. Hoping that I will continue to look after it. She said that she thought things would have worked out differently with her daughter and then proceeded to ask how my father was. I replied yesterday telling her that I was sorry for their loss and that I thought my ex would have mentioned it as she was telling me it was close when we were still talking. I then proceeded to tell her that my father is getting better and that I hope she and the family are well. I said nothing about my ex to her mother, but sent love to the family. She then replied this morning with this message and I don't know what to do.. Do I respond, ignore it, say a final goodbye?? I am honestly clueless in what decision to make. Her message reads: Awh thank you so much for your kind words and to know that you will treasure my dads gift means a lot to me. It's been tough and as usual Helen (my ex) has been my rock. Sorry you had to find out from me, but before he died, I know she didn't get a reply from you about your dad and her contact is blocked? so probably a bit tricky ( sorry about your friends dad that's so sad! Also I really hope your dads suffering is over and that he is now fit and well. We never know what is around the corner (just as well as we may not want to get up)!! Whoops!!! Went too quick!! Sorry am hopeless at text! Take care and look ever yourself Xx My ex and her mother are really close, but their relationship always seemed like friends rather than mother and daughter. They speak everyday and tell each other pretty much everything. But my ex always had to support her mother emotionally and she would always put pressure on her daughter to help her and be there for her which used to drain my ex quite a bit. The reason I am saying this is because I know that there is no way in hell her mother would just randomly text me without them both discussing it. I know that she would have to get the go ahead from my ex beforehand. So I am wondering whether she is getting her mum to check up on me or to find out how I am and it appears as though she is digging to find out whether I have completely blocked all contact. I'm really confused about the whole situation and just when I am started to really push my ex out of my head, her mother pops up and sends my head into overdrive, analysing what it could all mean.. Maybe I'm overthinking it. But my ex was so controlling and manipulative that I can't help but feel that she is involved and in some way behind it.. What do you think? What should I do? J
kidm Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 My ex broke up with me over 9 months ago and she has a new boyfriend now. Turns out she was actually pretty crazy and was accusing me of raping & hitting her. She was a compulsive liar and done all kinds of things in our relationship (including cheating right in front of me) that I look back on now and I am still in disbelief that I continued in the relationship. Anyway 9 months have passed. My ex last messaged me around 3 months ago to say she thought of me and asked how my father was, as I told her he had cancer. I didn't reply as I found out she was now seeing someone new and quite frankly I'm done with her. Her mother text me on Sunday to tell me that her father had passed away a few months ago and asked me if I still had the prized Muhammad Ali picture that he gave me. Hoping that I will continue to look after it. She said that she thought things would have worked out differently with her daughter and then proceeded to ask how my father was. I replied yesterday telling her that I was sorry for their loss and that I thought my ex would have mentioned it as she was telling me it was close when we were still talking. I then proceeded to tell her that my father is getting better and that I hope she and the family are well. I said nothing about my ex to her mother, but sent love to the family. She then replied this morning with this message and I don't know what to do.. Do I respond, ignore it, say a final goodbye?? I am honestly clueless in what decision to make. Her message reads: Awh thank you so much for your kind words and to know that you will treasure my dads gift means a lot to me. It's been tough and as usual Helen (my ex) has been my rock. Sorry you had to find out from me, but before he died, I know she didn't get a reply from you about your dad and her contact is blocked? so probably a bit tricky ( sorry about your friends dad that's so sad! Also I really hope your dads suffering is over and that he is now fit and well. We never know what is around the corner (just as well as we may not want to get up)!! Whoops!!! Went too quick!! Sorry am hopeless at text! Take care and look ever yourself Xx My ex and her mother are really close, but their relationship always seemed like friends rather than mother and daughter. They speak everyday and tell each other pretty much everything. But my ex always had to support her mother emotionally and she would always put pressure on her daughter to help her and be there for her which used to drain my ex quite a bit. The reason I am saying this is because I know that there is no way in hell her mother would just randomly text me without them both discussing it. I know that she would have to get the go ahead from my ex beforehand. So I am wondering whether she is getting her mum to check up on me or to find out how I am and it appears as though she is digging to find out whether I have completely blocked all contact. I'm really confused about the whole situation and just when I am started to really push my ex out of my head, her mother pops up and sends my head into overdrive, analysing what it could all mean.. Maybe I'm overthinking it. But my ex was so controlling and manipulative that I can't help but feel that she is involved and in some way behind it.. What do you think? What should I do? J Looks like she is fishing for information. As soon as you engage and say something about your ex, it's going to open up the flood gates. I'd let it be and not respond or just say something like: "I appreciate your well wishes for my dad. Take Care too!" 1
Author Kinder77 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 I don't think you need to respond at all. I would consider sending back the Ali item. If it was in the family she may be fishing to get it returned - especially since Ali recently passed away. If that's the case - the mail it or have someone else drop it off to them. I was thinking about sending it back. But that gift was given to me over 2 years ago and her grandad wanted me to have it. I would send it back immediately if she asked for it but since she confirmed that she is glad I am going to keep and look after it. Again I still don't know whether or not to reply. Thanks for the advise man!
Author Kinder77 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 Looks like she is fishing for information. As soon as you engage and say something about your ex, it's going to open up the flood gates. I'd let it be and not respond or just say something like: "I appreciate your well wishes for my dad. Take Care too!" I thought it seems as though she is fishing for information. Like I said, I know how close they both are and there is no way her mother would send me anything without asking her daughter and having discussed it. She says in her message that my ex told her i didn't reply to her last message and then she asked if she is blocked on all contact. Seems fishy to me and I don't think I am going to respond. Its been over for 9 months and i want it to be done with.
Mittens Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 You don't owe them any answers. This. And I'd go one step further and block the mother, too. You two weren't married, have no children, so there's no need for any of your ex's family to be in touch with you. 2
Author Kinder77 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 You don't owe them any answers. Very true.
Author Kinder77 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 This. And I'd go one step further and block the mother, too. You two weren't married, have no children, so there's no need for any of your ex's family to be in touch with you. Yeah i agree. I won't reply and will block all numbers. Thanks for the advice everyone J x
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