Author TennisGal Posted August 23, 2016 Author Posted August 23, 2016 Acceptance... or at least some semblance of of it. He has accepted that the divorce will happen, has rented a place to start October 1, and has taken off his wedding ring. (In fact, he put his ring on my bed in the guest room last night.) We see the mediator on Thursday and have the settlement 90% done already on our own.
Author TennisGal Posted October 2, 2016 Author Posted October 2, 2016 UPDATE: A surprising turn of events. While on a trip by myself to visit a friend, I wrote him an email laying out nearly all the issues, noting his resistance/stonewalling during nearly two years of seeing a marriage therapist, and my sorrow that he was not willing to do what it would take to save our marriage. Only one 2-hour mediation session was required to arrive at a marriage settlement, with the exception of one issue he had to think about further. The mediator has written up the settlement and sent it to us for review. We will see her again in about 10 days. (Elderly parent needs and a cruise intervened since the earlier meeting\.) During the mediation session, my husband said some things he has never said before. He acknowledged that I had many valid points, that he has learned in IC that he had to deal with the anger and depression he had been carrying many years, and said that now that the "hammer was falling," he realized he needed to let go of the past and live for present and our future. We recently discussed four pages I wrote of of my issues / needs regarding any potential continued life together. I stressed that if he could not live with it, he needed to say so. He agreed to everything. In order to continue our marriage, it is not enough to agree. He has agreed to some things before but not followed through. So time will tell if he actually does follow through. Something I learned. When I assumed we would divorce, and these issues that I was so unhappy about were off the table (because I wouldn't have to deal with them in the future if we were no longer married), I was able to see the man I fell in love with and married.
Author TennisGal Posted October 2, 2016 Author Posted October 2, 2016 A few words do not change anything, of course. Behavior and follow-through will tell the tale. So far, he has more than half emptied one of the two storage units and has committed to consolidating the two into one by October 31. He has committed to putting the money spent on that second storage unit into savings. He has committed to putting his condo on the market by March and banking the proceeds for use toward a retirement home in the future. He has committed to weekly meetings about money (what is coming in, what is going out, where it is going, what we need to change). He has agreed to attend retirement planning seminars (we are going to one on SS next week). He is well aware that action and follow-through are essential. He states he is choosing these changes because he realizes the loss of ending our marriage. If it doesn't happen, well, we have the marriage settlement we worked out with the mediator. 1
Author TennisGal Posted December 11, 2016 Author Posted December 11, 2016 As time goes by, progress continues. He now has only one storage unit -- a lot of things were donated or went to the dump. The money from the second unit is going into savings. He has agreed there will be no storage unit in retirement. Our nephew who is renting his condo is moving out at the end of January. The condo will go on the market March 1, allowing time for cleaning, carpet shampooing, painting, etc. The proceeds will be sequestered for a retirement home. He continues to cooperate in going through things in our over-full house and getting rid of them (giving to family, donating, tossing). He is truly making an effort in joint financial planning. And we're going to France next spring. 5
Just a Guy Posted December 14, 2016 Posted December 14, 2016 Hi Tennis gal, it is so good to read about the latest developments taking place in your lives. I for one, hope everything works out for you the way you want it to and you two can ride off into the sunset Happy ever after! The fact is that reading through your entire thread one could not help but note the angst( pain?) that seemed to simmer just below the surface in everything that you wrote about. It was almost as if you had a split personality, one which was the pragmatic hard nosed type and the other the soft hearted romantic type. I guess in the end the second one won out, of course helped by the first one in laying down some clear cut boundaries. Actually true love and good people are at a premium in this world as of today. It is extremely difficult to find a good person who loves you and it would seem such a pity to throw it all away because you find some warts in the person which you don't like. I think you intuitively hit on a way to get your husband to have surgery to remove those warts so that the truly handsome man he is shone through again. Like a rough uncut diamond which looked unimpressive when it first came out of the earth but became beautiful once it was cut and polished. You knew deep down that he valued your marriage as much as you did and threatening a divorce was the tectonic shock he needed to get rid of the cobwebs in his mind which he did and is doing. So I guess congratulations are in order. Warm wishes.
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