Feeling depressed in online dating, She suddenly ghost after 2 GOOD dates

[marxman2015]

I (22M) met a (23F) lady through an online app.

 

We are both from very conservative cultures where even holding hands or kissing is reserved for people in a relationship. And that she appears to be a really shy and reserved girl.

 

We texted for a day and then I ask her out on a specific day for dinner. She said she couldn't that day without a counter offer I then suggest another specific day, she said she couldn't due to certain plans but then mention she is free any other days.

 

So we set a definite plan and met up for dinner. The first date went well, she is very attentive and did 85% of the talking, mostly opening up herself to me, talking about her life and thoughts, she was interested in my personal life as well and asked me questions. she mentioned that she is looking for something long term and potentially for marriage. I tried to be humorous and made her laugh a lot. The conversations are light and funny, no heavy subject or negatives. She text me something during the date related to what we are talking about, which I think is her hint for me to text her afterwards.

 

I text her after the date, her response showed interest. I said I had to catch up with my work. Then we went no contact for 4 days.

 

I then text to ask her out again on a specific day through text, she said that day isn't good with NO counter offer. I then ask for another day which she respond with a yes. So we made definite plans again.

 

The second date went even better, I kept on making her laugh and make her open up herself to me, I paid for the dinner this time, and she gladly accepts. She told me she was suffocated with work this week and only had few hrs of sleep everyday. Yet she still showed up. We played bowling and she stand a little too close to me at some point. We had a walk after that, I kept the conversation light funny and humorous. She laugh and giggles at even my bad jokes. After she got on bus, she send me a text saying she enjoyed the night, I told her to get a good rest and then we will talk later.

 

After a few days of no contact, I ask her out again on a specific day through text, she turn that down again without counter offer (as usual), then I ask for another day, then she didn't respond for over 24 hours, she could have read the message from the notification but she didn't click into our chatbox (so that it appears to be unread to me).

 

I didn't follow up with any text up to now to not appear clingy. Any help or thoughts are really deeply appreciated.........!!

 

I think we really build good connection and I think her interest after the second date is high due to the fact that she initiated to text me soon after she got on the bus to thank me for the date and that she enjoyed it. :o

[Larryville]

Marx: check this out:

The 6 Ugly Truths of Online Dating

 

Also to save yourself some grief, assume any woman you will ever meet online will only be interested in you until something else better comes along. Like a batter striking out in a baseball game you have to have a short memory and also not take any ghosting or disappearing personally or too seriously.

 

Finally people put way too much stock in the first three dates, what happens on those dates is irrelevant... matters a little because you can't get dates #2 and 3 unless you are received positively in some way BUT you are just ONE contestant in the OLD game.

[Satu]

You need to manage your expectations.

 

 

After 2 dates, you still know next to nothing about each other.

 

 

“Wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast.”

 

― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

 

 

Chill out. Think about something else.

 

 

Take care.

[Grapesofwrath]

Does she live with her parents? You described her as quite conservative, so maybe her parents discovered that she is online dating and this created a problem for her at home.

 

After two dates, it's tough to know what's going on and it's smart not to get too invested. I'd say it's okay to try her one more time, then move on. Chalk it up to experience. It sounds like you are a thoughtful guy and you will find someone who appreciates that.

[ly399]

Interest level might be low on her end or she might have been busy. But honestly though, you approach is kind of weak imo. Im a 28F, coming from a conservative culture. I didnt have bf until 23. If you are interested in something long term with a girl you better bring your A game.

 

When my exes chased me, they went all the way. Expensive dinners, broadway shows, flowers, texted me everyday/called to arrange dates ahead of time, picked me up before dates, walked me home afterwards, etc. Thats how they got me, the 10+ other boys who didn't do the above, i dont remember their first name.

 

Sometimes you do all of the above, you still might not get the girl because there might be three other guys doing the same thing. The bottom line is, put your best feet forward if you really like the girl, if not then move on and dont feel bad. At the end of the day, its nothing personal, everyone has their preference.

[SwordofFlame]

Interest level might be low on her end or she might have been busy. But honestly though, you approach is kind of weak imo. Im a 28F, coming from a conservative culture. I didnt have bf until 23. If you are interested in something long term with a girl you better bring your A game.

 

When my exes chased me, they went all the way. Expensive dinners, broadway shows, flowers, texted me everyday/called to arrange dates ahead of time, picked me up before dates, walked me home afterwards, etc. Thats how they got me, the 10+ other boys who didn't do the above, i dont remember their first name.

 

Sometimes you do all of the above, you still might not get the girl because there might be three other guys doing the same thing. The bottom line is, put your best feet forward if you really like the girl, if not then move on and dont feel bad. At the end of the day, its nothing personal, everyone has their preference.

 

OP, if that's the only way to "win" a long term relationship with women in your culture, you may want to avoid online dating. Unless of course you've got tons of money to throw around.

[NIGHT1985]

Interest level might be low on her end or she might have been busy. But honestly though, you approach is kind of weak imo. Im a 28F, coming from a conservative culture. I didnt have bf until 23. If you are interested in something long term with a girl you better bring your A game.

 

When my exes chased me, they went all the way. Expensive dinners, broadway shows, flowers, texted me everyday/called to arrange dates ahead of time, picked me up before dates, walked me home afterwards, etc. Thats how they got me, the 10+ other boys who didn't do the above, i dont remember their first name.

 

Sometimes you do all of the above, you still might not get the girl because there might be three other guys doing the same thing. The bottom line is, put your best feet forward if you really like the girl, if not then move on and dont feel bad. At the end of the day, its nothing personal, everyone has their preference.

 

 

If you gotta do all this to win a girl, she's not worth having.

[Dis]

If you gotta do all this to win a girl, she's not worth having.

 

I agree with this...kind of sounds like her dates were trying to "buy" her affection. Real, mature woman dont need a man to put on a show 24/7 and dance on a string to earn our respect and love. Yes we require effort, attention and thoughtfulness but compatibility and chemistry are far more important than grand gestures.

 

OP, sounds like shes not too interested....no love lost there...you only had 2 dates...move onto the next hun

[coolheadal]

Boy that girl you took out likes to text so much even during the date with you. I find that very interesting she did that. Sounds like she's a bit on the shy side. One thing you mentioned that she had stand too close to you that's a good sign you should have put your arms around her shoulders. But you told you her a joke. You got to watch the body language also not what comes out of her mouth only. I guess you haven't kissed her yet? She might have been waiting for you to be the Alpha male here instead you acted like the Beta male playing it safe. Your doing all the texting let her contact you. Text once and let her text you back. You can say when are you free next week to go out on other date? Don't call or text her let her contact you with one reply. Right now your not hearing a word don't contact at all. Just remember there are other girls out there online. If you don't her from her move on.

[sagetalk]

Yes we require effort, attention and thoughtfulness but compatibility and chemistry are far more important than grand gestures.

 

 

I agree with this. Attention is good, effort is good, thoughtfulness is good, but when they are centered around simply spending lots of money, it has little chance of helping in the compatibility and chemistry department.

[Ami1uwant]

Unsure where you live so your culture may be different.

 

My feeling is 2 dates is still early and you never assume you are the only one they date. She possible felt something more with someone else she is dating. While nothing you did blew it, she feels more connected with someone else and see where that goes. If it doesn't go well, she may return to you.

[marxman2015]

Thanks for all the replies!

 

Regarding the pitfalls of online dating, yes i understand that it is so volatile in nature, I couldn't help but feel a little worn down after doing it for 9 months and going out with girls I am interested in but failed to move things forward.

 

Does she live with her parents? You described her as quite conservative, so maybe her parents discovered that she is online dating and this created a problem for her at home.

She live by herself, that's an interesting thought though and could be a possibility that her parents object to it.

 

Boy that girl you took out likes to text so much even during the date with you. I find that very interesting she did that. Sounds like she's a bit on the shy side.....

 

She only take out her phone to text me the name of a comedian, then she put it back, it was like 5 secs. I did the no contact thing in between dates, except for setting up a date, therefore, I didn't really initiate to text her for banter anything. She did initiate to text me after the second date though.

 

Our culture is really conservative, trying to kiss her on second date is really way too soon for us haha. Here the kissing part is reserved for couples.

 

 

 

But yeah, if I still didn't hear from her, I am going to send another text, but since I ask her out for friday, should I wait till friday or after friday to shoot her the text?

 

Also, does anyone here have a similar experience where the girl suddenly stop responding, and then she reappear later and respond to you?

[Zippy2000]

Im getting a little confused. Your last part of your post says she hasnt responded in 24 hours.

 

 

That hardly is "ghosting". Its only 24 hours. Maybe she is fading but its only a day.

 

 

Dont be too eager. Giver her a couple of days breathing space.

[PegNosePete]

This has absolutely nothing to do with online dating. If you've met her twice in real life then the "online" part of the dating is over. It's the real life dating that wasn't working for her.

 

This kind of thing happens just as much with non-online dating.

[marxman2015]

Im getting a little confused. Your last part of your post says she hasnt responded in 24 hours.

 

 

That hardly is "ghosting". Its only 24 hours. Maybe she is fading but its only a day.

 

 

Dont be too eager. Giver her a couple of days breathing space.

 

Update: its been around 48 hours now, so I sent her a voice message asking if she's busy.

 

Some details to add to the original stituation:

I am thinking could it be that she is making me jump through hoops everytime?

 

The first time I ask her out, I have to ask twice before she gives counter offer

 

The second time I ask her out, actually I did it with a voice message. I sent two voice message in a row, the latter one contains the asking out part. She then reply to the first message, but say that the second message isnt clear and she cannot listen to it. Then I text her to ask her out instead for activity A, She say she is really bad at activity A and is busy on that day. I ask her out for activity B for another day, she says yes and we met up.

 

The third time I ask her out, she did the same thing and says she isnt available to my first suggestion, but then this time I didn't ask for another day right away, I want to see if I hold back a little, will she counter offer me? So I just replied with I see and alright. Then nothing happens, I wait an hour and then ask for another day, then BOOM no response.

[Dis]

Update: its been around 48 hours now, so I sent her a voice message asking if she's busy.

 

Some details to add to the original stituation:

I am thinking could it be that she is making me jump through hoops everytime?

 

The first time I ask her out, I have to ask twice before she gives counter offer

 

The second time I ask her out, actually I did it with a voice message. I sent two voice message in a row, the latter one contains the asking out part. She then reply to the first message, but say that the second message isnt clear and she cannot listen to it. Then I text her to ask her out instead for activity A, She say she is really bad at activity A and is busy on that day. I ask her out for activity B for another day, she says yes and we met up.

 

The third time I ask her out, she did the same thing and says she isnt available to my first suggestion, but then this time I didn't ask for another day right away, I want to see if I hold back a little, will she counter offer me? So I just replied with I see and alright. Then nothing happens, I wait an hour and then ask for another day, then BOOM no response.

 

Oh god. I would think you would be relieved if this girl ghosted on you...geez she is a piece of work!

 

Why would you want someone who you have to constantly chase around??? Why are you settling for putting in all of the effort and getting nothing in return???

 

Hun...its a blessing she hasnt responded to you. Go find a girl that will meet you half way and wont make you grovel for her time

 

Moving on would be a win-win. She's not obvi not interested in you and you shoudnt have to jump through hoops for her

 

Move onto the next hun....dating a girl shouldnt be this much of a struggle

[marxman2015]

Oh god. I would think you would be relieved if this girl ghosted on you...geez she is a piece of work!

 

Why would you want someone who you have to constantly chase around??? Why are you settling for putting in all of the effort and getting nothing in return???

 

Hun...its a blessing she hasnt responded to you. Go find a girl that will meet you half way and wont make you grovel for her time

 

Moving on would be a win-win. She's not obvi not interested in you and you shoudnt have to jump through hoops for her

 

Move onto the next hun....dating a girl shouldnt be this much of a struggle

Maybe this sounds like a vent, but I am losing hope on dating and feeling demoralized. I have tried it numerous times but still yet to succeed even once. Only girls who I am not truly interested in will be very interested in me. While those I am truly interested in, they are interested initially, but I fail to get into a relationship with them. Maybe the common denominator is me, I have been improving myself over the year constantly. I learn to handle the date right, go for a good career and improve my looks. But repeated failures without even one success is simply disheartening.

 

That is why I really hope it works when I met this girl. I have tried my best, guess I need time to recover again.

[bummer]

Maybe, just maybe, take a few of these girls you aren't interested in- who want you -out for some dates? Maybe you'll find an attraction you didn't realise? Maybe some superficial qualities you strive for are not what you want?

 

At worst you get a few more trial dates to practice yourself. You'll also see girls who respond normally.

 

Just don't be a jerk and lead them on past 2-3 dates unless you're interested. Oh wait, that sounds like what she did...

[Dis]

Maybe this sounds like a vent, but I am losing hope on dating and feeling demoralized. I have tried it numerous times but still yet to succeed even once. Only girls who I am not truly interested in will be very interested in me. While those I am truly interested in, they are interested initially, but I fail to get into a relationship with them. Maybe the common denominator is me, I have been improving myself over the year constantly. I learn to handle the date right, go for a good career and improve my looks. But repeated failures without even one success is simply disheartening.

 

That is why I really hope it works when I met this girl. I have tried my best, guess I need time to recover again.

 

Just because you're having a tough time dating doesnt mean you should settle for anything less than what you deserve...you were settling with this girl

 

Maybe you should start giving the girls that your not interested in more of a chance. I mean if the chemistry and attraction isnt there...you cant do much about that but I find it odd that the only girls you're interested in...arent interested in you....you might need to readjust you're mind set hun

 

Dont despair though...theres plenty of fish in the sea. OLD takes alot of time but it works for many people....keep at it hun and try to stay positive

[SammySammy]

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

- Michael Jordan.

Colonel Sanders is said to have been rejected 1009 times before making the deal that became Kentucky Fried Chicken.

 

Can you imagine? 1009 times. Rejected. But, he kept going. Learning from each conversation and from each meeting. Improving his presentation as he went. His conversation skills and ability to relate to people. Changed his idea. He originally was trying to sell a fried chicken recipe. Ended up founding one of the largest restaurant franchises in the world.

 

Two dates.

 

You're just getting started.

 

Go out there and live and learn. Get better. Have fun, but be kind to those women. Even the ones that reject you. Develop a thick skin so that "rejection" doesn't bother you. The girl that rejects you makes room for the one you need.

 

Stay positive and persistent.

[thecrucible]

I think you just have to put things in perspective more and try and not let it affect you too much. I know that's easier said than done. But the more you experience rejection with anything in life, the more you realise that coping is an essential skill to stop you falling backwards. I'm a sensitive soul and I've had to work it out for myself. It's also important not to analyse something too much because sometimes there is nothing you could have done and you just don't naturally click with a person so there's no need to beat yourself about it. I would if I were you always go in with the mindset of "seeing how it goes" and "learning if she is the one for me" and that will make you able to emotionally distance yourself a little bit.

[marxman2015]

Maybe, just maybe, take a few of these girls you aren't interested in- who want you -out for some dates? Maybe you'll find an attraction you didn't realise? Maybe some superficial qualities you strive for are not what you want?

 

At worst you get a few more trial dates to practice yourself. You'll also see girls who respond normally.

 

Just don't be a jerk and lead them on past 2-3 dates unless you're interested. Oh wait, that sounds like what she did...

 

Just because you're having a tough time dating doesnt mean you should settle for anything less than what you deserve...you were settling with this girl

 

Maybe you should start giving the girls that your not interested in more of a chance. I mean if the chemistry and attraction isnt there...you cant do much about that but I find it odd that the only girls you're interested in...arent interested in you....you might need to readjust you're mind set hun

 

Dont despair though...theres plenty of fish in the sea. OLD takes alot of time but it works for many people....keep at it hun and try to stay positive

 

Actually I have done that in the past. I have dated girls who I had low initial interest in, and after multiple dates, my interest never rose at all, it just stayed low. Some of the girls that I was not interested in, had too high of an interest in me and kept chasing me for months despite I cut contact with them...

 

Yep, I did gain some experience for dating those girls. But at the same time it feels empty to go on dates like that, like a robotic task since my interest in them is low, and all I was aiming at on those dates is how to make them more interested in me.

 

"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

- Michael Jordan.

Colonel Sanders is said to have been rejected 1009 times before making the deal that became Kentucky Fried Chicken.

 

Can you imagine? 1009 times. Rejected. But, he kept going. Learning from .....

 

I think you just have to put things in perspective more and try and not let it affect you too much. I know that's easier said than done......

 

Thanks for everyone's encouragement and support!

It seems to be a long and hard way to finding one that you love while she loves you back.

 

Updated: The girl has responded saying that she is sorry for missing my message and that she was extremely busy for the whole week. I told her maybe another time then.

 

I guess I got my response, seems like its not uncommon in the dating scene that girls suddenly go cold after great dates without apparent reasons.....

[DevotedBaker54]

I'm sorry she didn't reply. Dating is hard and can be emotionally exhausting to put so much effort into a date and then feel like you have nothing in return.

Maybe take a break from dating and focus on yourself. It's hard putting all your energy into other people and planning dates. Maybe invest your time into one of your hobbies. Who knows, maybe you'll meet a girl that way!

 

And by "conservative" does that mean you are religious? I only ask because if you are then, lean on God in this time of your life. Maybe this struggle in your life is God's way of making you trust him more.