Zeetmiez Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) Hi people, I hope someone can really help me out here because I'm hopelessly confused and scared and I have no one else to talk to. First off I'm 27, I've had 4 boyfriends in my life, longest was 2 years long. So I met this amazing 28 year old guy on a dating website not far from where I live. I first messaged him literally 8 days ago and met him in person 6 days ago. The first day I messaged him he said "ok so how long do I have to wait until I propose?" And I was very taken aback by that. I either thought he was being sarcastic or he's just very strange. But I kind of ignored it and laughed it off. I met him in person and we had dinner and we had a great time. We saw a movie after and I kept noticing him looking at me more than the movie and I said finally "what's on your mind?" And he said "lots of things" We first held hands in there. When he dropped me off at my house he said I was beautiful. We didn't kiss but hugged goodnight. We met up again 3 times after that. I am never like this, I'm always very careful when it comes to giving myself to someone. I always allow myself to give as much time as possible before sex so we can get to know each other. There is something about him that I'm just obsessed about. We have everything in common, we even have the same ideas to build an animal farm sanctuary and live off the grid. We are both vegan, we have similar tattoos, we have the same favorite breed of dog, we both like to talk about philosophy and science. We slept together Friday I believe and that's when he said he loved me. I couldn't believe what I heard and I was a little angry actually so I turned my back to him and tried to think about what the hell was going on. He wants to run away with me, he says he needs me in his life, he wants us to get our own apartment! He even said he would trust me with his income in hopes I could hold on to it more responsibly than he does! After these 8 days I'm just sitting here thinking was this mutual love at first sight? Is this real? He can't possibly know enough about me to say he loved me! But in my mind he's the most fitting partner I could ever dream up. I've never had anyone look at me like he does. And I just adore his personality but I feel like I don't know important things about him. I asked a question on Saturday "how long have you been single?" And his response shocked me "6 weeks and we were together for 4 years" I'm really hesitant now. I found two of his exs on Facebook. The 4 year girl is still in his phone, I spotted that she was very high on his recent contacts list. There's another girl (he still has a pic of them 2 on hisFB) who was with him july2015 and the 4 year girl was with him again Nov2015?! Do you think he's on and off with the 4 year girl? I love this guy but there's no way I know enough to trust him and that's a problem. He said he'd never lie to me and I believe him. I guess we just have to talk more but I'd like some outside advice. I don't even know what to think. I just want opinions. Its been 8 days!!!!!! Edited June 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6 1
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 He is on the rebound, better back off or you are going to get hurt. 1
VeveCakes Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 He's love bombing you... These are all red flags. Take a giant leap back. Slow things down, don't sleep with him yet. 2
Author Zeetmiez Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 He is on the rebound, better back off or you are going to get hurt. Do you think I should talk about this possibility to him and see what he says? I'd rather do that then just back off. 1
Satu Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Slow down and get to know each other. “I have given no definition of love. This is impossible, because there is no higher principle by which it could be defined. It is life itself in its actual unity. The forms and structures in which love embodies itself are the forms and structures in which love overcomes its self-destructive forces.” ― Paul Tillich 2
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Talking him about is going to do what? avoid a rebound?....not likely. He's still in love with his GF. He would probably drop everything to go back to her is she asked him to, all you are is filling an empty void. He would never admit to any of those things so having a conversation about it won't make this situation any better. If you keep seeing him, you are taking a huge risk. 1
Larryville Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 The first day I messaged him he said "ok so how long do I have to wait until I propose?" We first held hands in there. When he dropped me off at my house he said I was beautiful. There is something about him that I'm just obsessed about We slept together Friday I believe and that's when he said he loved me. he needs me in his life, he wants us to get our own apartment! "how long have you been single?" And his response shocked me "6 weeks and we were together for 4 years" I found two of his exs on Facebook. The 4 year girl is still in his phone, I spotted that she was very high on his recent contacts list. I love this guy He is on the rebound... Yes, big time. This is the freaking Titanic approaching the iceberg because she WON'T back off. We all know where this is going… In love? Seriously!? 2
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Hey.....you are snooping on his damn phone???? J^$%& if feel you have to snoop, this is going down a slippery slope. You have no trust, so why bother. 1
deadparrot Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 I mean, yes, some relationships naturally move fast and everything ends up fine. But as others have said, dude is rebounding hard. Six weeks out from a 4-year relationship breakup? This has heartbreak written all over it. For your own emotional health, please take a step back. 2
Author Zeetmiez Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 Hey.....you are snooping on his damn phone???? J^$%& if feel you have to snoop, this is going down a slippery slope. You have no trust, so why bother. That's really not what I did at all. I was sitting next to him and glanced at his phone and saw a girls name and later found out it was her. I don't snoop on people's phones! 1
Zahara Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 All kinds of red flags. He accelerated 8 days of courtship into a lifetime together. Beware of the future fakers and the love bombers. 3
Satu Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) OP: You have already thrown caution to the winds, so I'm not sure that anyone here urging you to exercise caution, is going to change much. Try not to get hurt too much. Take care. Edited June 7, 2016 by Satu 4
Author Zeetmiez Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 Update: I told him I think we should turn it down a notch and he said anything that I'd feel comfortable with he will do. He said he has no doubts about us and would do anything to be with me and that he never had a connection like this to his ex. I think patience is just something he doesn't have and I'm going to see how he responds to my pace. 1
Satu Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 This is just my first thought: Something is fuelling all that emotional intensity that is boiling off him. In psychoanalytic terms, his behaviour could be described as 'manic.' Be aware that in this context, 'manic' has nothing to do with Bipolar Disorder. I'm going to take a leap here: I suspect he's being fuelled by 'manic defences,' and that he is using you to push away the pain of his recent breakup, and probably earlier experiences of loss. Manic defences are difficult to explain and understand, but here's a snapshot: "Smallness, dependence, separateness, feeling you have injured your good object, are all fairly obvious to the eye and not easily denied if one is facing reality. But reality is pretty painful much of the time in childhood, even when you have an intact family that is living harmoniously. Most children naturally gravitate to wishful ideas, the most fundamental of all being the idea that there is magic, and you can have it and instantly erase all of the pains I just outlined. Every area of life that lends itself to the possibility that there might be magic will be seized for the use as magic. If I put on mom’s bra, it will magically give me breasts and I can feed myself. If I pick up daddy’s cordless drill, I will be able to do anything he can do, maybe even marry mom and be her husband." Source here. I might be wrong, but I really don't think I am. Take care. 1
BaileyB Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Always best to be cautious and manage your expectations. You really don't know this guy yet and I must echo what others have said, I do think his desire to rush this relationship is coming from a VERY unhealthy place. 4
smackie9 Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 If his relationship was an unsatisfying one, then he has been starving, and when you are staving anything looks good in the moment. 3
Recommended Posts