Will my ex come back? [updated 2016-08-02]

[rachaelh]

Will my ex come back?

 

obviously no one knows the answer to this, however I was wondering if anyone has any previous experiences that they can relate to this.

 

Basically, me and my ex moved in together properly after a year of being together and we are both young (21). i basically lived at his house the after about 3/4 months of being together (that’s another story but is what happened). We were absolutely fine living together which is why we decided we would move in together properly the year after (not just us two we live with others but we share a room). everything was fine, we don’t argue much and can spend a lot of time together.

 

However 2 or 3 months ago he said he didn’t feel the same way anymore. He said he's had to much to soon and doesn’t want the relationship anymore. he felt it had been to intense and no longer wanted to be with me anymore. however i had exams and stuff for uni so we kind of put this on hold and tried to act normal. However the day my exams finished (about 2.5 weeks ago) I asked him about it again and he said he still felt the same way so I said I would rather break up; I don’t want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. He is now staying at a friends house.

 

He cried quite a bit when we broke up, i hugged him goodbye when we knew we weren’t going to see each other for a while and he burst in to tears and he said he was still in love with me. He just did not want the relationship anymore due to the intensity of it.

 

However, in 1 or 2 months we will both be moving out of our house and i said to him that obviously the main problem for him in our relationship was living together and the intensity of it made him unhappy and not want the relationship anymore, however very soon, the problem of living together will no longer be apparent and I asked if he would like to meet up in a couple of months to see how we both feel, which he agreed. he also said he can’t promise anything as well but at the same time, I said neither can I, i don’t know how i will feel in 2 months.

 

I’m going to go No contact until we meet to talk about our feelings in a couple of months and decide whether to give our relationship a try again.

 

Has anyone had anything similar to this? what was the outcome?

or any other relatable advice to this?

Or any opinions in general?

Edited June 7, 2016 by rachaelh

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry this has happened, OP.

 

A couple questions before I contribute my thoughts:

 

You say you essentially lived at his house after the first 3 or 4 months. What were the circumstances behind that? That's quite soon to be spending so much time together.

 

While you were properly living together, did you both continue to maintain your own interests, see your own friends, and so on?

[rachaelh]

Sorry this has happened, OP.

 

A couple questions before I contribute my thoughts:

 

You say you essentially lived at his house after the first 3 or 4 months. What were the circumstances behind that? That's quite soon to be spending so much time together.

 

While you were properly living together, did you both continue to maintain your own interests, see your own friends, and so on?

 

Hi!

 

Basically, I moved back home to do a work placement year whilst he did his third year at uni. this was only 2 months after we had started seeing each other. I then worked at my work placement for 2 months, in which we were still seeing each other, however I got a new work placement in my uni town and i had to start really quick so my ex offered me a place to stay at his house. I stayed there for 3 weeks whilst i found my own place and i was allready friends with his housemates and became very comfortable there in those 3 weeks, however i thought it was best that i found another place. However the people i moved in with wern't very welcoming or nice, making me feel uncomfortable in my own house. So i still kept my room there and paid rent but i pretty much lived at my ex's house for the rest of that year. All my clothes were at his house and i think i only slept at my own house about 20 times within the whole year. It was absolutely fine at the time, him and his housemates did not mind me staying and we made the decision to live together and share a room the year after! mainly for financial reasons but we felt we were already compatible to live together as we had the year before, without thinking about the fact that maybe it actually is a bit to soon.

 

and yes we did whilst properly living together, we have our own friends who we go out with, he worked full time this year whilst i was doing my third year of uni so we had the day times apart most days. however in the evening if neither of us were out we would spend all time together. we would never really go off and do our own thing in the house. if we were both home we would spend all time together, which was alot of time! so yeah alot of evenings after i finnished uni/he finnished work we spent our time together

[ExpatInItaly]

Based on what you've said, it sounds like he really is just being honest that it's too much at this point in his life.

 

It seems he did enjoy having you around but he realized he's not ready. I feel your pain, as it sucks that he came to this conclusion after you'd already moved in together. Unfortunately, sometimes we don't really get that we're not ready for something until it's already happening. It is a big step to have taken so soon into a relationship (I am counting from the period even before you "officially" moved in) It doesn't leave any space to miss the other person or really get to know them first.

 

I'm not sure that meeting up in a couple months will accomplish much, and don't get your hopes up that it will actually happen. Don't mark it on your calendar at this point. Go No Contact, and see what the next several weeks bring. It's always possible that he will reach out when he's had space to miss you. but it's also important not to hedge any bets on that either. Take each day one day at a time.

[rachaelh]

My ex had said that he didn't feel the same way anymore and that he wanted to call it quits when our tenancy runs out (which is the beginning of August, we broke up towards the end of May) 2 months before we actually broke up because I had my last 2 months of uni and a break up and that would be to much, so he said he tried to get the feelings back within those 2 months and we carried on being together as normal. However I asked him again how he felt the day my exams finished and he said he wasn't sure, so i said we should break up.

 

However he cried when we broke up, we slept in the same bed a couple of days after we broke up (as we live together and share a room) and i told him i'll miss him and he burst into tears, the next morning he hugged me goodbye as i was temporarily moving out then and he burst into tears then. I asked him if he'd cried much when he'd been on his own and he said yes. I also asked him when the last time he cried this much was and he said when his ex girlfriend broke up with him 3 years ago- so he cried just as much being the dumper as he was when he was the dumpee?

 

I also asked him a few days after the break up (when i was drunk...woops), if he was still in love with me and he said yes.

 

He also seems unsure about the break up, I asked him if he'd like to see how we feel in a couple of months when we're not living together (because he said the reason he didn't feel the same way and didn't want the relationship anymore was because he found living together to intense, he felt trapped and needs his space) as this was the main problem for him, but this won't be apparent in a couple of months, so we should see how we feel and maybe try again, in which he smiled and said yes but said he can't promise anything.

 

However,

 

I asked him again (when i was drunk, i know it's stupid, we were at a festival with mutual friends) if he was still in love with me- only 2 weeks after the first time, and he said no and that he is happy on his own??? how could he of fallen out of love with me in two weeks? surely he is lieing one of the times he said he was or was or was not still in love with me?- is it because he is happy and relieved that it's over and he can finally have time to himself that he thinks he is not in love with me anymore and he is just confused? or would he have been lieing the first time??

 

he's also deleted me off all social media in the past two weeks (except facebook, i deleted him off that the day after we broke up) and just seems a bit more distant from me.

 

Had he emotionally checked out before we actually broke up?? considering I don't think he wanted to break up with me the night we did, i was the one who pulled the trigger (although I would describe him as the dumper and me the dumpee as he was the one who wanted the break up, i did not want it)

 

like would he really cry that much and say he was still in love with me if he had actually emotionally checked out before the break up?

 

because i'm worrying that he's allready over me although we only broke up 5 weeks ago. is he just happy and relieved it's over and will miss me later??

[Satu]

In the majority of cases, I'd say so.

[basil67]

like would he really cry that much and say he was still in love with me if he had actually emotionally checked out before the break up?

 

Yes.

 

There's love and there's LOVE. It's likely that he still loves you like a friend and cares about you. But he probably doesn't LOVE you as a lover anymore.

 

The crying is mostly related to stress, anxiety and the knowledge that he's hurting you. He's probably crying for you more than himself. Nobody likes hurting someone they care about.

[carhill]

1. You all are young if attending uni at the traditional age. Emotions run strong. Things can go poof in an instant, and living together at a young age is another factor in that. It can be intense. Oh, right, he said that (I went back and re-read)

 

2. Another part of being young is adventure and testing boundaries.

 

IMO, think of it more as a maelstrom of emotions than a definitive 'checking out'. If he had truly checked out, you'd get clear neutrality, at minimum, to coldness and he'd probably be dating someone else already since that's normal, especially when young. The best possible scenario is generally the 'let's be friends' line where the person's actions in no way match up with how a friend would treat a friend. Heh.

 

IMO, grit your teeth and focus on uni and don't buy into any of his back and forth stuff. Table it, live together if you must, and move on. Hard? Sure! That's part of the process of life. It'll work out.

[rachaelh]

Yes.

 

There's love and there's LOVE. It's likely that he still loves you like a friend and cares about you. But he probably doesn't LOVE you as a lover anymore.

 

The crying is mostly related to stress, anxiety and the knowledge that he's hurting you. He's probably crying for you more than himself. Nobody likes hurting someone they care about.

 

to be honest, i don't feel like it was mostly for me, maybe partly. he said he hadn't and couldn't tell anyone about our break up a few days after it happened cos he knew he would cry if he said anything!

 

i'm confused as to why he would say he was still in love with me after we broke up aswell?

[Satu]

snip

 

i'm confused as to why he would say he was still in love with me after we broke up aswell?

 

You're both confused.

 

That's often how it is with a breakup.

[rachaelh]

1. You all are young if attending uni at the traditional age. Emotions run strong. Things can go poof in an instant, and living together at a young age is another factor in that. It can be intense. Oh, right, he said that (I went back and re-read)

 

2. Another part of being young is adventure and testing boundaries.

 

IMO, think of it more as a maelstrom of emotions than a definitive 'checking out'. If he had truly checked out, you'd get clear neutrality, at minimum, to coldness and he'd probably be dating someone else already since that's normal, especially when young. The best possible scenario is generally the 'let's be friends' line where the person's actions in no way match up with how a friend would treat a friend. Heh.

 

IMO, grit your teeth and focus on uni and don't buy into any of his back and forth stuff. Table it, live together if you must, and move on. Hard? Sure! That's part of the process of life. It'll work out.

 

 

to be honest when i said if we could see how we feel in a couple of months and if we could not date anyone until then so we know we're making the right decision about us, he said he wasn't even thinking about dating anyone, he just wants time to himself at the moment!

 

i'm just confused to how he feels at the moment, i feel like he's acting as if he is over me- but i'm not sure he actually is and he is just happy to be on his own at the moment.

 

thanks for your advice though!

[rachaelh]

snip

 

 

You're both confused.

 

That's often how it is with a breakup.

 

i mean as in, i'm just confused to his feelings towards me!

[ExpatInItaly]

to be honest, i don't feel like it was mostly for me, maybe partly. he said he hadn't and couldn't tell anyone about our break up a few days after it happened cos he knew he would cry if he said anything!

 

i'm confused as to why he would say he was still in love with me after we broke up aswell?

 

Probably because it's a rather awkward question after a break-up and he didn't want to hurt you further by saying he wasn't. Maybe his definition of "in love" is different from yours. It's important not to read too much into it, because whatever he was feeling in that moment doesn't change the end result.

 

I have broken up with a couple of significant ex-boyfriends, and I was emotional too. It's still sad and not pleasant for anyone, even if you know it's for the best. I also felt awful for hurting them, as they wanted to continue the respective relationships. I had definitely already checked out of each relationship, though it took me a while to really acknowledge that.

 

The truth is that even if there's a part of him that didn't want to break, the part that did want to break up was bigger and more powerful. There's no way to predict now if he will return. At the moment, you need to focus on your healing.

[juniorrocha]

rachaelh, the only thing that can clear out his confusion is time. I do believe that sometimes we think we don't love someone anymore, just to find out later that we actually do, or we can find out we really don't.

 

There are lots of emotions going on right now, so you can't really tell.

 

But are you going to live your life waiting for him? Relying on a second chance with someone who maybe is not in love with you anymore? Obviously not! So let him figure it out by himself, do your best to stay away, and focus on yourself from now on. You deserve someone who's sure they love you.

[Satu]

i mean as in, i'm just confused to his feelings towards me!

 

I understand. My point was that he probably isn't clear about how he feels towards you either.

[carhill]

I understand. My point was that he probably isn't clear about how he feels towards you either.

Good point and that is another delineation between the breakup storm and the calm checking out.

 

Heh, I've seen the latter and I think my best friend's wife put it best when she opined 'well, there's another man's boots at her door so you better get used to it' (when exW and I were divorcing). If you could imagine how someone fillets a dead fish, that was, well, death by a thousand cuts. Checked out. IMO, your guy isn't checked out. Whacked out, maybe. That's pretty normal.

[rachaelh]

Good point and that is another delineation between the breakup storm and the calm checking out.

 

Heh, I've seen the latter and I think my best friend's wife put it best when she opined 'well, there's another man's boots at her door so you better get used to it' (when exW and I were divorcing). If you could imagine how someone fillets a dead fish, that was, well, death by a thousand cuts. Checked out. IMO, your guy isn't checked out. Whacked out, maybe. That's pretty normal.

 

what do you mean by wacked out carhill?

[carhill]

what do you mean by wacked out carhill?

Whacked out = maelstrom of emotions = I plead temporary insanity.

 

Things will calm down in time.

 

One thing I will mention is to take special care to avoid mutual drunkenness, lest some backsliding occur, presuming drink is something engaged in on occasion.

[rachaelh]

Whacked out = maelstrom of emotions = I plead temporary insanity.

 

Things will calm down in time.

 

One thing I will mention is to take special care to avoid mutual drunkenness, lest some backsliding occur, presuming drink is something engaged in on occasion.

 

but what do you mean that he's whacked out rather than checked out?

what's the difference?

[carhill]

but what do you mean that he's whacked out rather than checked out?

what's the difference?

Oh, sorry, difference ....

 

1. Whacked out - operating on emotion, often bereft of intellect.

 

2. Checked out - calm, in control, intellect at forefront, thinking all interactions for, rightly, benefit to self.

 

I don't mean whacked out in a derogatory way because we all have our moments of anger, grief, happiness, sadness, fear, etc and emotions can, temporarily, get the better of us. It passes, generally, and things settle out.

[rachaelh]

Basically, My ex boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me just over 2 months ago because he said he didn't feel the same way anymore. He seemed a little confused about his feelings, said he was still in love with me a few days after we broke up ( i drunkenly asked- yes i know i shouldn't), said he still had feelings for me when we broke up but also said he thought our relationship was now more of a friendship?? confusing. He thinks we moved in together to soon ( which we did really, we're both only just turned 22 and I basically lived with him after we were together for about 4 months, that's another story, and properly moved in together about 9/10 months before we broke up). He said he didn't like not having his own space, we're to young to live together and didn't like not having his alone time.

 

He said it wasn't nothing to do with me he thinks im amazing, such a nice person etc and it was all to do with him. Although I was hurt, we ended on good terms.

 

anyway, i'm starting to move on now and starting to feel happier single. I've felt quite happy the last few days and i have been talking to a new guy. I have tried to be in NC since about 3 weeks after we broke up but i can't all the time because of things to do with our house and organising where we staying etc as our tenancy doesn't run out until the beginning of August and neither of us will be moving out till then ( we have taken it in turns to stay at friends houses since a few days after we broke up). Like, i know i'm not over it, i also have my down days but as a whole i feel like i'm moving on and i've accepted the break up.

 

 

Anyway, I was talking to one of our housemates today. I have been staying at my house since Saturday 10th July (he is elsewhere), and my ex stayed at our house the 10 days previous to that (i was elsewhere), and he had stayed at a friends house the previous 3 weeks before that whilst i stayed out our house- and had similar arrangements previous to this.

 

But yeah, I was talking to my house mate today and she said her mum asked how I was doing and she told me that she said to her mum that she thought i seemed happier than my ex from what she experienced when he was staying at our house before the 10th July which she said she was confused by as he broke up with me. She said maybe it's because i'm better friends with my two other housemates so maybe it's because he felt awkward as he felt guilty about what happened but also said her and my other housemate really tried to talk to him and make him feel comfortable at home and that there is no hard feelings.

 

She said it seems as though i've realised i'm ok on my own but he just seems a bit miserable. He's also unfollowed me and deleted me on all social media and untagged all the pictures we have together on Facebook.

 

 

I don't understand how it seems as though that he seems unhappier than me about the break up??

 

it really doesn't make sense- my housemate seemed to think it's as if i'm the dumper and he is the dumpee?

 

why would he be acting like this?

 

it's confusing?

[SevenCity]

Being the dumper does not mean you don't have feelings. You were a big part of his life and now you are gone.

 

Just because a RL didn't work, it doesn't mean he didn't like you as a friend and wouldn't want you still in his life (which would be the worst thing for you).

 

The other thing is you've been healing. He may have prepped for this but is now facing the reality.

 

It's tough to admit when a RL is no good and do something about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to keep in mind that none of this has come out of his mouth, or though behaviour you yourself have observed. While your housemate I'm sure means well, she can't possibly begin to guess what he's feeling or why, unless he has actually told her.

 

So, my advice is to disregard what she's reported to you. I don't mean she is necessarily wrong, but she could also be misinterpreting his actions. There could be plenty of reasons he's upset that are not related to you. Bad day at work or school, argument with a friend, sick, tired and so on. Be careful that you and your housemate are not assigning meaning without really know what's on his mind. You will naturally be on the lookout for any signs that he regrets his decision but this will delay your healing.

 

Having said that, yes, dumpers sometimes feel sad too. It's not easy to hurt someone when you know they didn't want to end the relationship. I say that having broken up with a couple long-term boyfriends myself. I didn't feel good about it, but I also knew it was the right decision. There is also an element of missing the companionship and the person, but it doesn't necessarily mean the relationship was a good one to hold on to.

 

The bottom line is that if your ex wants to reconcile, you will know.

[Giggles666]

Often times the person doing the dumping also suffers some especially if they care about the person they are dumping. The reality is the world and human emotions are full of grey not black and white.

[rachaelh]

Being the dumper does not mean you don't have feelings. You were a big part of his life and now you are gone.

 

Just because a RL didn't work, it doesn't mean he didn't like you as a friend and wouldn't want you still in his life (which would be the worst thing for you).

 

The other thing is you've been healing. He may have prepped for this but is now facing the reality.

 

It's tough to admit when a RL is no good and do something about it.

 

Thanks for your reply Seven City

 

thing is, the relationship was good. we didn't really argue much at all and were just best friends aswell as lovers throughout our relationship. He just couldn't handle not having his own space and got fed up. I kind of think hat maybe he freaked out that our relationship was getting so serious so young.

 

the break up was very out of the blue.

 

But we won't be living together in just over a months time so we said we would see how feel then and maybe try again not living together, but he said he can't promise anything but i said neither could I. we had this conversation probably about 6 weeks ago.

 

It was litrelly just living together so soon and so young that really got to him

Edited July 19, 2016 by rachaelh