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What would cause someone to end a long term relationship so suddenly and over a text

swimforvictory

By swimforvictory
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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swimforvictory New Member

swimforvictory

Posted
Posted

Hey guys.

I just want to say thank you to everyone on this forum. You have all helped me so much through the toughest few months of my life. Now I'm kind of looking for closure, but not closure from my ex - just opinions I guess from outsiders perspectives.

 

 

So we'll go back to the 2nd of March 2016. I had spent the night at my boyfriend of 4.5 years house. It was perfectly normal as I always did this. He was driving me home and he said to me "What do you want for your birthday babe? It's in 2 weeks and I don't know what to get you." Again, normal, I didn't suspect a thing.

 

 

5 hours later he's at work and he texts me on his break to ask how my day is going, again normal.

 

 

5 hours after this he finishes work nearly an hour late and I get a text from him saying he isn't happy anymore and is leaving the relationship. At first I honestly took this as a joke. I said to him "Stop goofing around, do you want to go and get a bite to eat? I'm starving!" and he responded to me saying no, he didn't want to see me and that he was busy. This is when I started to worry slightly. He'd never normally tell me he didn't have the time for me. I tried calling him and he kept automatically declining the call. He then sent me a text saying "I'm unhappy, will you just leave me alone? I'm going out to get drunk. I'll deal with you another day."

 

 

I was in utter shock. I honestly thought someone had stolen his phone. I contemplated calling his office and the police as I legitimately thought he had been mugged or something.

 

 

I begged him to answer his phone and he wouldn't. We both had iPhones and we share our locations with each other so I tracked his and it said he was in a local pub near his work place. He hadn't been mugged. It really was him sending me these cold texts. That's when the shock set in. I went to bed in tears and turned my phone off, what else could I do?

 

 

I woke up the next morning and he hadn't called or texted me. I got worried again and thought his drink may have been spiked so again I tracked his location. He sent me a text message suddenly saying "Why are you tracking my location?" As though I was an annoying stranger or something. Not his partner of 4.5 years.

 

 

Again, he refused to speak to me all day. I decided enough was enough the next day and I went over to his place as I knew he'd be off of work. He let me in the house and sat as far away from me as possible in his mothers living room. I was cuddled up in bed with this guy 2 days before.

 

 

I begged him to stay, to tell me why. He said he didn't want to be with me anymore as the 'relationship wasn't right for him' He couldn't even tell me WHY it wasn't right for him anymore. It was all completely over my head because we never even argued. We saw each other regularly and also had time alone to see friends. We seemed to have the perfect balance.

 

 

He told me not to contact him anymore. 2 weeks later my birthday came along, I didn't get a single text from him to even wish me happy birthday. I don't know why I expected one, really but hey ho.

 

 

Last week after nearly 3 months had passed I saw him in a night club. He was very hostile towards me and clearly didn't want to see me. One of my male friends also knows him and they were speaking for a while whilst I was outside. Apparently he told my friend that he wasn't happy in the relationship that's why he left me (Duh, he drilled this into my head) He also told my friend that he had moved on and told him to tell me that I should move on too. He said he didn't love me or care about me anymore as he just wanted to get on with his life. Easy for him to say really isn't it, when he dumped me over a text and ghosted me for 2 days?

 

 

I was taken aback by this, how does he know I've not already moved on? He was making a very big headed assumption. Along with this he told my friend that he doesn't want a girlfriend for 'a long time' and that he never even comes out so we won't have to worry about seeing him again. Apparently he just sits inside the house all the time when he isn't working. Charming.

I've done so much to improve and change myself. I've lost loads of weight, I eat good now, I sleep good, I see friends or family EVERY SINGLE DAY. I've changed my hair and my appearance as a whole. He's done NOTHING to change. He still looked overweight and unhappy.

 

 

One thing I will never understand about this is why he did it as suddenly, and over a text message too. How could I have gone from being his entire world to just nothing in the space of a few hours to him? The weirdest part about all of this is that he was making future plans for my birthday just HOURS before he left me. I don't think he even knew that he was going to dump me until he did.

I needed to see him in the night club last week to realise he didn't care about me, so that it really hit home. It DID hurt me but I know I needed to see just how careless and changed he is. The hardest part about this is that he doesn't seem to regret the decision he made at all. If he had regret it he would've come over and spoken to me in the night club, but instead he avoided me like the plague. I've never once had an apology from him for how he ended things, I don't think I ever WILL get an apology, but that doesn't matter now.

 

 

At first people suggested he may have discovered me cheating or something - I never once cheated nor did he ever suspect that. I asked him the day I saw him after he had left me IF it was anything to do with me and he said I hadn't done anything wrong. He just didn't want me anymore.

 

 

What would cause someone to flip like this and just end a long relationship over a text? I guess a part of me still feels abit fragile about it all.

 

 

Thanks.

Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted

Sorry to say but it sounds as though he was using you and was told by others that now was the time to s*** or get off the pot...

 

Lucky escape.

 

Sometimes someone can ask a question "when are you guys going to get married" and all of a sudden it hits and people realise that actually this is not what they want. He probably did it via text because he is ashamed and bit of a coward.

 

Keep it up girl. Sounds like you are going to be just fine.

  • Like 1
Larryville Established Member

Larryville

Posted
Posted
I had spent the night at my boyfriend of 4.5 years house

 

He sent me a text message suddenly saying "Why are you tracking my location?" As though I was an annoying stranger or something. Not his partner of 4.5 years.

 

Last week after nearly 3 months had passed I saw him in a night club. He was very hostile towards me and clearly didn't want to see me.

 

Clearly he found out something significant about you, maybe you cheated on him or was with some dude and he found out? Or maybe some dude said he was with you. The only way to explain “hostility” his ego was jacked in some way. IDK

 

Sorry to say but it sounds as though he was using you

 

I don’t understand that at all. Because she says:

 

How could I have gone from being his entire world to just nothing in the space of a few hours to him?

 

Saying HE was using HER implies that she was totally clueless for over 4 years!? Seriously!? Unless I'm missing something.

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted
Clearly he found out something significant about you, maybe you cheated on him or was with some dude and he found out? Or maybe some dude said he was with you. The only way to explain “hostility” his ego was jacked in some way. IDK ...

 

What?! It must have been something she did? Where does that come from?

 

OP, your ex has a problem. It could be any number of things. But you sound ok and strong, so I hope you find a terrific guy when/if you want to.

  • Like 1
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
Hey guys.

I just want to say thank you to everyone on this forum. You have all helped me so much through the toughest few months of my life. Now I'm kind of looking for closure, but not closure from my ex - just opinions I guess from outsiders perspectives.

 

You're a first time poster so how could have we been any kind of help during the past few months? Why are you not posting through your original account, maybe you don't want us to check your history with this man?

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

It's one of two things A) someone has mistaken someone else as you and thought they saw you with another guy and told your BF you were cheating on him or B) your BF cheated on you.

  • Like 1
VeveCakes Established Member

VeveCakes

Posted
Posted

What was the reason you lived apart after almost 5 years together?

 

Sorry you are going through this, you are never going to know why...try and move on without closure although I know how impossible it seems.

 

The why isn't important. What's important is that this happened now and he has shown you his true colours. Better now than after marriage and kids. Some men wait so long unhappy that they just explode when they can't take it anymore. He was probably emotionally closed off unable to tell you what bothered him or perhaps he just lost feelings. It doesn't really matter though, just try and move forward with your new life.

  • Like 1
Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

Posted
Posted (edited)

Two thing you need to know.

 

- Often men will keep up the pretence of a relationship to the very end. Pretty much what you experienced. He didn't change his mind in the space of a few hours. He probably changed his mind, weeks or months ago but wasn't ready to confront you with it. Women typically start pulling away as soon as they know the relationship is over for them. They get more and more distant and begin emotionally detaching well before they do the walk. They also expect their male partners to exhibit the same kind of behaviours.

 

- If he doesn't have a new girl then my best guess is he became resentful that having a relationship was cramping his style. He wanted freedom and he wanted to make the break on his terms. He didn't want to have a conversation with you about it because his mind was made up already and there was nothing you could say or do that would change it. He didn't want to be confronted with your upset or tears either that's why he refused to speak with you for days. I don't really blame him for not wanting to give you the reason if this was the case. The charge that he's just being selfish would likely have been levelled at him. But really, if someone simply decides they don't want a relationship even if it was good, then what's selfish about that? They aren't obligated to stay in it.

 

This isn't about you. There was no legitimate reason for the breakup other than he just got sick of being in a relationship and wanted to be single. It looks illogical only because of the way he did it. But really he was probably checked out of this relationship for some time and was just playing along to avoid any kind of fight or confrontation about it. He didn't want you getting a heads up before he was ready to pull the pin.

Edited by Buddhist
  • Like 5
O'Malley Established Member

O'Malley

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry it happened this way. Keep directing your energy towards making better choices for yourself, but I'd end contact and not get any updates on your ex from friends; it just impedes the healing process.

 

I think this sort of break up in a long term relationship is brewing in the dumper's thoughts for some time, and yes they've already emotionally 'checked out' even if they're not expressing their feelings to you and you're not picking up on any nuances or changes in behavior. It's easy for someone in that mindset to say things or make plans they have no intention of seeing through.

 

It's painful and inconsiderate when someone you've trusted for years ends things in this manner, but a partner who just wants to cut the chord is going to act irritated, avoidant and display limited empathy. He's not going to provide you closure; that's something that you give yourself. All you can do is take responsibility for your own actions during the relationship and in the process of moving on. Let him fend for himself.

Larryville Established Member

Larryville

Posted
Posted
What?! It must have been something she did? Where does that come from?

 

Blue:

 

Why would a dude she has been dating for over 4 years break up with a text AND upon seeing her is hostile towards her?

 

Something relating to his ego has been bashed in, ask yourself what would that be?

 

It's one of two things A) someone has mistaken someone else as you and thought they saw you with another guy…

 

If HE cheated there would be some remorse NOT hostility. Dudes don’t lie well, they dated for years NOT weeks to evoke that kind of response.

 

Now B’s statement…

 

He didn't change his mind in the space of a few hours. He probably changed his mind, weeks or months ago but wasn't ready to confront you with it.

 

I get that because I will admit when I am at the end of a relationship I’m a relationship saboteur, not nearly as bad now but very much so in my past. Easier than the emotional stuff.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Sounds like he checked out a long time ago but only picked up the courage to tell you via text as he didn't want the hassle of a face to face break up. I guess he is somewhat conflict avoidant.

He is hostile as he cannot cope with emotion and he doesn't want to end up with you crying on his shoulder or tearing strips off him in a public place.

He is done with you, he made that plain,

YOU want close to get answers, he just wants to run away from you.. Sorry!

  • Like 2
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Perhaps he was hiding something big from you, and when that threatened to blow up in his face, he cut you out of his life.

 

Pure speculation and only one possible theory, I realize.

  • Like 2
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted
You're a first time poster so how could have we been any kind of help during the past few months? Why are you not posting through your original account, maybe you don't want us to check your history with this man?

 

Why do you assume she had another account?

 

Maybe reading others' posts and our responses has helped her.

 

I have to admit, I have learned a hell of a lot and been helped by doing that -- reading about the experiences of others and everyone's responses.

Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

Posted
Posted (edited)

Sorry to say but is sounds like he might have met someone else. My ex did this too, two days after we had been together and making love and telling me how much he loved me he dumped me claiming there was no chance we could fix our relationship. That same weekend he was out on the town with his new chick.

 

We had problems and were working on them but I too couldn't understand the sudden hostility and callousness. And never would have imagined he was capable of that. But there you have it. :(

 

I hope I am wrong for your sake because it really sucks...

Edited by Sunkissedpatio
Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

Posted
Posted

Can I just add that there are some nasty comments and negative assumptions being made here. I am new here too but don't understand the hostility of some people who are posting comments that seem more intended to hurt than to help. I noticed that on my thread last night too.

 

We are all kind of fragile in this section of the site, please be gentile with us. I'm not saying tell us what we want to hear but keep in mind we are suffering and feeling pretty low already.

 

peace

  • Like 5
Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

Posted
Posted
Two thing you need to know.

 

- Often men will keep up the pretence of a relationship to the very end. Pretty much what you experienced. He didn't change his mind in the space of a few hours. He probably changed his mind, weeks or months ago but wasn't ready to confront you with it. Women typically start pulling away as soon as they know the relationship is over for them. They get more and more distant and begin emotionally detaching well before they do the walk. They also expect their male partners to exhibit the same kind of behaviours.

 

- If he doesn't have a new girl then my best guess is he became resentful that having a relationship was cramping his style. He wanted freedom and he wanted to make the break on his terms. He didn't want to have a conversation with you about it because his mind was made up already and there was nothing you could say or do that would change it. He didn't want to be confronted with your upset or tears either that's why he refused to speak with you for days. I don't really blame him for not wanting to give you the reason if this was the case. The charge that he's just being selfish would likely have been levelled at him. But really, if someone simply decides they don't want a relationship even if it was good, then what's selfish about that? They aren't obligated to stay in it.

 

This isn't about you. There was no legitimate reason for the breakup other than he just got sick of being in a relationship and wanted to be single. It looks illogical only because of the way he did it. But really he was probably checked out of this relationship for some time and was just playing along to avoid any kind of fight or confrontation about it. He didn't want you getting a heads up before he was ready to pull the pin.

 

You have AWESOME insight! Are you a therapist?

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

Posted
Posted
Blue:

 

Why would a dude she has been dating for over 4 years break up with a text AND upon seeing her is hostile towards her?

 

Something relating to his ego has been bashed in, ask yourself what would that be?

 

 

 

If HE cheated there would be some remorse NOT hostility. Dudes don’t lie well, they dated for years NOT weeks to evoke that kind of response.

 

Now B’s statement…

 

 

 

I get that because I will admit when I am at the end of a relationship I’m a relationship saboteur, not nearly as bad now but very much so in my past. Easier than the emotional stuff.

 

There are people who blame and get hostile when they’ve done something bad themselves. I know, it’s nuts! But it does happen more often than you’d think.

 

And there are men who are good at lying. Madoff springs to mind. lol

  • Like 1
Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

Posted
Posted
You have AWESOME insight! Are you a therapist?

 

No.....I'm someone with a string of disappointing relationships that ended badly. :laugh:

DevotedBaker54 Member

DevotedBaker54

Posted
Posted

He broke up with you so suddenly! My heart literally sunk while reading your post! (I didn't see that coming!) I don't think a single person on here knows why he broke up with you. The only person who knows that is him. Maybe someday in the future when you both have moved on, he will be able to tell you why. It took me a few years to admit to my ex-boyfriend why I broke up with him. (It had nothing to do with him, it was all me).

I'm glad to hear that you started eating healthy and made some changes in your life. Maybe the breakup was good for you? All that energy you spent on him, you put towards yourself and became a better person!

 

I hope your heart heals and one day you'll get an explanation! Until then, just keep doing you girl!

Frank13 Established Member

Frank13

Posted
Posted

What would cause someone to flip like this and just end a long relationship over a text? I guess a part of me still feels abit fragile about it all.

 

 

My first thought was he met someone at work. The fact he stayed an hour late the day he texted you to end it, then went to a pub after work made it seem even more so. However, you saw him at a club, apparently alone and you said he just stays in his house when he is not working would indicate that isn't the case.

 

The other alternative is that he met someone at work he felt chemistry with but they weren't interested. He couldn't have her but it made him feel that what he had with you was not as strong as the chemistry he felt for this other person so he decided you weren't right for him.

 

I would say he checked out of the relationship a while before actually breaking up with you but then he wouldn't have asked what you want for your birthday in two weeks.

 

Plus usually the one who is dumped is the one who is angry if you run into each other so that confuses me. I am at a loss over this one.

Trinity7 Established Member

Trinity7

Posted
Posted

We may never get the answers or closure we want... Killer, I know :( I did get one missing puzzle piece in mine (ended totally out of the blue mere hours after he was telling me I was his everything and all that as usual) and that missing piece was that he had been talking to his ex and they decided to give things another shot apparently.. Hope this isn't the case for you, but wanted to put it out there as a theory. So sorry you're here and hurting xx. You're not alone x

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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