Thalia2345 Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 (edited) Hi Everyone- I'm a 35 yr old girl and I've been dating a 42 yr old guy for about 4 months. In a lot of ways he seems perfect. We get along great 95% of the time and have tons of fun together. Here's the rub- he has a bad habit of blurting out really mean things. I don't know if this is just because he has a harsh side (sometimes it's in the form of a joke) or if deep down he's just mean. He's really into fitness and critiques my diet/exercise to the point where it goes past helpful and into obnoxious. For instance, he actually pulled up some pictures online and said "you could look like this if you did a, b and c" and these were models. They were airbrushed. I'm not.. I am however an active and fit person who is in no way overweight. He also ignores me on FB and keeps his status set at single even though we had the "exclusive" talk over 6 weeks ago. I know FB is "stupid" but I cant help but feel stupid that I am ignored here. What's the big deal on liking something or occasionally commenting or posting a photo, unless he's hiding something? Am I off base to feel this way? He also talks constantly about one of his female friends and then I noticed (when he was scrolling through his Facebook while sitting next to me) that she was visiting our town during a period where he basically went MIA on me for a couple of days. I'm not one to jump to conclusions or whatever but that does seem a little weirdly coincidental. The proverbial nail in the coffin was when he insulted me sexually (while comparing me to an ex), and when I got quiet and said "wow that really hurt my feelings" he said, "oh what i meant was that I like that about you" which I call BS on because you dont say stuff like that as a "compliment" it's like telling a guy "what i meant was, I really like your soft flacid member" literally. I feel sad and confused and I dont know what to do. I was really excited about this guy and felt a lot of potential (he has many good sides) but I dont know if I can be in a relationship with someone who puts me down. I'm wondering if I am overreacting or if this is a huge red flag and I should cut my losses and bail. I dont want to, but I dont want to be a fool or a glutton for punishment, either Edited June 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6 1
VeveCakes Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Yes it's a red flag. Do not date someone who insults you. It is not ok! Also, some people think Fb status is stupid, but if it's important to you, then request him yourself as your bf - if he won't accept then, it might be telling. 2
Emilia Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Everyone has good sides, even Hitler did I'm sure. He sounds like your run of the mill a****le who is trying to dominate you. Please refer to yourself as a woman. I see this sort of domination by men where the woman calls herself a girl in her 30s or older. 1
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 I would not have lasted 1 week with a guy like this. He's arrogant, inconsiderate, rude, what the heck do you see in him. A boyfriend is suppose to elevate you, support you, and make you feel special and unique. It's time to take the trash out. How can you endure this for 4 months!! 4
Versacehottie Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 oh, I feel so bad for you. This is a hard one. Lots of posts after mine will say that it isn't hard and just dump him--that may be what you should do. I do lean that way though. If you want to take the longer approach to figuring out what to do, you need to do a quick boost up on your self-esteem and then recheck as that's happening within you, how what he does affects you. You need to stand up for yourself and probably pull back at the same time. It could be that he's just too blunt, too practical about the fitness part of things which is why not so great things come flying out of his mouth. I wouldn't like the other girl thing or FB reluctance (although I agree it IS stupid). Could it be that you are picking up on all these things which if they were just one would be a non-issue (or manageable one) and that the combination of things has led you to a place where you think it might not work out OR if it does that you continued to be put down? Also if you actually believe those comments are where he is "putting you down" I would strongly consider letting him go? That's unbalanced and like his thinks he is better than you and will continue to be cruel to you. If you just think he needs lessons on how to treat you and what is ok and not ok and to consider you more in the relationship, then proceed with that part immediately and reassess at every step of the way so that you don't get stuck in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Good luck. 1
Zahara Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 When posts always start off with he's perfect, he's a good guy, etc. and then comes the BUT. The "good sides" are still apparent because he's presenting a side to attract you. Trust that deep down, there is more of that "mean" side to come. He insults you. He demeans you. The goal is to make you feel inferior and he achieves it by putting you down. Soon enough you'll be questioning yourself, tearing your self-esteem to shreds and submitting to everything he says. 3
coolheadal Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 No, no a and BIG NO! Come on you can clearly see this guy is cheating on you both emotionally and physically. Don't let your emotions block the truth of what his actions (speaks and say and body expressions are saying also) Look and watch drop the love for a few minutes and see the truth. He's lying to you can't you see that! Why would you put up with the verbal abuse (name calling or rude comments of comparison from the prior ex. This is relationship you should get out of it because he's not ready to be in loving relationship with you. It's shame this happen to you but your now aware of what this guy is pulling behind and in front of you. Can't change a player and cheater and this is what he is. He got his game on you. You took his bait and now he got you hooked! Now listen to us all get yourself UNHOOKED! Go find a real many that will love you for you are. Now what his EXPECTATIONSof what he wants other than you to be for with him. This is not how love in a long-lasting-relationship suppose to be like. MIA that's HUGE RED FLAG Go now before you get sunk into him even more! 1
Satu Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 According to Carl Jung, everybody has a shadow side. In a psychologically healthy person, the light and shadow sides are well integrated, and the shadow side isn't a problem. I think your bf has a poorly integrated psyche, and the shadow side is running free. You've not seen the worst of this yet. Take care. 2
Larryville Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 he has a bad habit of blurting out really mean things. I don't know if this is just because he has a harsh side (sometimes it's in the form of a joke) or if deep down he's just mean. Relationship elements: Trust, there has to be trust between people. Open (honest) communication, this links back in with trust, you have to trust that you can say whatever you need to and its ok. Also that you are willing to listen if the other person needs to be heard. Respect. Not only do you have to treat the other person with respect..... you have to respect yourself. You need to make sure that you are being treated with respect. Respect is important because it shows that one values another as an individual, and that he honors the personal rights and dignity of the person as a fellow human being. If a dude lacks respect for you he will never see you as a complete worthy individual. Meanness is a subtle mental illness trait and should never be tolerated. Unfortunately too many women tolerate it. 1
Toodaloo Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 This guy is unrealistic and has shown a really nasty side. What happens in a few years time and you get pregnant. Will you then be too fat for him so he has to move on? Come on girl show a bit of gumption and dignity and leave before he gets worse. You feel bad because HE is making you feel bad. Get rid. This guy deserves no more time, no explanations and certainly no affection from you. Good luck. Let us know how you get on. 1
Buddhist Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 If you're perceiving these remarks as insults then you are probably right, that is how they are meant. If he wants to date a model invite him to go and do so. You won't be turned into one so he gets the chance. Honestly if you looked like those women you probably wouldn't be dating him, you'd be dating a model yourself instead. He sounds like an egotistical guy who likes to have the upper hand in relationships by dishing out put downs. If you stick around expect more of the same. 1
Gaeta Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 It's disturbing that OP finds those insults to be 'subtle' and 'slight'. 3
BikerAccnt Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 The pointing out of your flaws by pulling up pictures of someone he wants you to look like? This isn't a red flag, its the red flag of death! To me, it's pretty insulting, and more than enough reason for serious doubts. I'm into fitness too, but, never ever would I do anything like that. I'm careful about what I say even when asked for an opinion on what one can be doing differently concerning anything appearance wise. And yea, FB shouldn't be used as a relationship barometer but..I understand what you mean. My ex GF was the same way. Never liked most of my posts, never commented, basically I didn't exist on FB. But, she was active with other peoples posts. Sure, it stung. I mean, they are supposed to be your boy/girl friend right? But that's really very secondary to the cutting comments. Those are a serious issue. 2
katiegrl Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Hi Everyone- I'm a 35 yr old girl and I've been dating a 42 yr old guy for about 4 months. In a lot of ways he seems perfect. We get along great 95% of the time and have tons of fun together. Here's the rub- he has a bad habit of blurting out really mean things. I don't know if this is just because he has a harsh side (sometimes it's in the form of a joke) or if deep down he's just mean. He's really into fitness and critiques my diet/exercise to the point where it goes past helpful and into obnoxious. For instance, he actually pulled up some pictures online and said "you could look like this if you did a, b and c" and these were models. They were airbrushed. I'm not.. I am however an active and fit person who is in no way overweight. He also ignores me on FB and keeps his status set at single even though we had the "exclusive" talk over 6 weeks ago. I know FB is "stupid" but I cant help but feel stupid that I am ignored here. What's the big deal on liking something or occasionally commenting or posting a photo, unless he's hiding something? Am I off base to feel this way? He also talks constantly about one of his female friends and then I noticed (when he was scrolling through his Facebook while sitting next to me) that she was visiting our town during a period where he basically went MIA on me for a couple of days. I'm not one to jump to conclusions or whatever but that does seem a little weirdly coincidental. The proverbial nail in the coffin was when he insulted me sexually (while comparing me to an ex), and when I got quiet and said "wow that really hurt my feelings" he said, "oh what i meant was that I like that about you" which I call BS on because you dont say stuff like that as a "compliment" it's like telling a guy "what i meant was, I really like your soft flacid member" literally. I feel sad and confused and I dont know what to do. I was really excited about this guy and felt a lot of potential (he has many good sides) but I dont know if I can be in a relationship with someone who puts me down. I'm wondering if I am overreacting or if this is a huge red flag and I should cut my losses and bail. I dont want to, but I dont want to be a fool or a glutton for punishment, either Re bolded -- I am struggling trying to figure out what exactly you find so "perfect" about him. He sounds HORRIBLE. And no these are not "subtle" insults -- they are flat out insults, nothing subtle about them. 2
Zapbasket Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 According to Carl Jung, everybody has a shadow side. In a psychologically healthy person, the light and shadow sides are well integrated, and the shadow side isn't a problem. I think your bf has a poorly integrated psyche, and the shadow side is running free. You've not seen the worst of this yet. Take care. THIS. OP, you are describing the EXACT situation I had early on with my most recent ex. Scroll through my threads to about Page 3 to find one entitled, "Handling Teasing." I struggled with whether or not I was being "over-sensitive," knowing that I am, indeed, a sensitive person and also having that bf tell me all teh time that I was "over-sensitive." Just like in this thread, everyone on LS was urging me to end it. I didn't. I ended up staying with him for 3.5 years...and this behavior you and I experienced NEVER got better. Good relationships FEEL GOOD, even when they're hard sometimes. "Hard" should never include being put down on a routine basis. Yes, your guy is a jerk. No, there is no "potential" because the only way for anything to come of this relationship is if he puts in some hard work to change, which I guarantee you he won't, and why? Largely because of what Satu said that I quoted here. Some people can't face their own flaws, and so they focus on the flaws of others as a way of rationalizing themselves as "right" and other people as "wrong." A healthy dynamic with a person who does this is impossible. Read: IMPOSSIBLE. And I should point out that my ex had a lot of good qualities. He wasn't a "bad" guy. I get how hard it is to see so much good in a person along with so much negativity. It's hard to pull away. But it's as Satu said--we all have dark sides, but they have to be integrated with the rest of our psyches. I told my ex I often felt I was dating two versions of him--one, this great loving guy, and the other, basically this a-hole. 4
Author Thalia2345 Posted June 7, 2016 Author Posted June 7, 2016 Hi everyone- Thank you so much for your replies, they are all very insightful and spot on. I think I've been downplaying the severity of the put downs and potential for cruelty. He has a way of stating things in a non direct way so they seem subtle, or later following up with a compliment to soften what he said earlier. These ars classic abuser tactics. I grew up with a verbally abusive mother and I can totally own that these similar personality traits sometimes show up in my romantic life because of that. I am trying to attract a different type of guy and in the beginning this guy seemed so different and even kind and considerate. The ****ty stuff revealed so slowly and some of it was subtle so it's like the puzzle pieces are just fitting together now and it's shocking. Yeah, he's not a model by a long shot. He's an aging ladies man who is getting old, not looking as good, and his stuff isn't working like it used to do now he is projecting his insecurities about that on to me. It's actually rather sad and pathetic. I realize now more than ever that I need to walk away from this person, and fast. I appreciate the clarity you have provided 9
Lorenza Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 I've been there, Op. First you write it down to a "harsh side" or try to convince yourself that it's jus the way he jokes and you simply need to grow a thicker skin. Then you try to not get hurt by "encouraging" criticism. Then he starts putting you down more and more often, shamelessly blaming it on you while you're almost convinced he's right and you should change. Him being on his best behaviour while you're doing what he requires you of just confirmes it in your mind. But it's never enough. He blurs out verbal abuse whenever he feels like it. Belittles your effort, gasslights whenever you confront him. It's an abusive relationship that gets you confused and losing yourself. Besides he sounds shady as the dark side of the moon itself. I think you know you should leave. 2
preraph Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 He's not even seeing you as a person, just an object he wants to control. He is mean, and if he's showing you that this soon, that means he'll just get meaner and more controlling over time because men are at their best behavior early on, and he's not at all. 1
ChickiePops Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Hi everyone- Thank you so much for your replies, they are all very insightful and spot on. I think I've been downplaying the severity of the put downs and potential for cruelty. He has a way of stating things in a non direct way so they seem subtle, or later following up with a compliment to soften what he said earlier. These ars classic abuser tactics. I grew up with a verbally abusive mother and I can totally own that these similar personality traits sometimes show up in my romantic life because of that. I am trying to attract a different type of guy and in the beginning this guy seemed so different and even kind and considerate. The ****ty stuff revealed so slowly and some of it was subtle so it's like the puzzle pieces are just fitting together now and it's shocking. Yeah, he's not a model by a long shot. He's an aging ladies man who is getting old, not looking as good, and his stuff isn't working like it used to do now he is projecting his insecurities about that on to me. It's actually rather sad and pathetic. I realize now more than ever that I need to walk away from this person, and fast. I appreciate the clarity you have provided Atta girl!! Well done in acknowledging this, figuring out the root of why you're putting up with it, and (hopefully) breaking free! 1
The_Dork_Lard Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 Would you pull up pictures of ripped male models and express a desire for your boyfriend to look like those pictures? If you wouldn't, why not? 1
Grapesofwrath Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 You are making the right choice, OP. This kind of already abysmal behavior only gets worse. The insults become more severe, the language more abusive. The gaslighting starts, and in some cases things can turn physical. Best to cut your losses and walk away now. It's only been 4 months. You will be over him in a month or two and free to move on. Your self-awareness will take you a long way. 1
Miss Peach Posted June 7, 2016 Posted June 7, 2016 I agree with the others it sounds like a good decision IMO. Who wants to feel like their self esteem is being pulled down in a relationship? 1
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