Regret is the worst feeling of all....I messed up a relationship

[offwithhishead]

Here is my story. I just want to write it out because I'm in so much pain right now. It's therapeutic for me to just write it out to an audience as it eases the pain somewhat. I've read a lot the threads on here and I know my situation isn't nearly as bad but you know what they say, when it happens to you, it's entirely different.

 

I don't know what kind of responses I'm looking for. But I just need people to listen to my story and respond with whatever. Talking about it with friends doesn't work. They eventually get tired of it and want to just hang out and move on. My family in particular have an odd mentality about this sorta thing and don't really help.

 

I met a girl named Lisa last year. We dated for 8 months before separating in December of last year. We broke up right before Xmas which is supposedly the most common time for couples to breakup of the year. I wasn't heartbroken at the time as the separation was pretty much mutual. In fact, I think I passively aggressively even initiated it by being late to dates, slowly responding to her texts, and finally things came to a head and I pulled the trigger. It was not a dramatic breakup. One day, I just told her we should stop dating and she pretty much agreed but expressed an interest to be friends.

 

I had no interest in being her friend so I never replied to her. 5 years ago, when my first love broke up with me, I had tried being friends but with disastrous results. After that experience, I vowed never to remain friends with an ex.

 

After Lisa and I broke up, I must confess I was fine. I went out on dates with other people and even had a very brief one month relationship with someone else. But things started to unravel. Before I get into details on the unraveling, just want to set some background.

 

I am a Chinese-Canadian who was pretty much born in Canada. I consider myself Canadian first and of Chinese heritage second. Lisa is what we call a half-FOB meaning she's Canadian but didn't grow up in Canada. She came here at the age of 18 and so her value system and culture are different. The cultural differences aren't the main issue though. I think the main differences between us lay in a combination of her conservative views/attitude and her general personality. As we know, not every girl who grew up in China has conservative views. It's a wide spectrum. I mention the cultural differences between us because I still feel it's a strong factor as generally the cultural views in China are more conservative than say the Western world. More on this later.

 

You see, while Lisa and I were currently dating, I was riding on a high both career-wise and social life-wise. I had a good group of friends and my career was going really well. I think that's also partially why she was attracted to me. She saw I had a lot going for myself and that I was confident. In contrast, her life didn't seem to be going so well. She had some family issues with her parents and she was in a bit of a crossroads with her career and generally wasn't happy. I think that impacted our relationship considerably because although I tried to be supportive, she just didn't seem to be able to put on a positive, strong attitude. I wanted a girlfriend who was strong, independent with some adventurous spirit and could show me new things but I felt that in this relationship, I was the only one doing that. I also had a strong feeling from her that she wanted to find a stable man to settle down with and just live ordinary life. In China, the general culture is that the girls' most important thing is to find a strong, stable man to settle down with. Everything else comes later. Having grown up in western culture, I didn't totally agree with this. I had the mentality that two people should establish chemistry and the relationship should start off with a big bang and then over time, depending on how things go, decide to get serious and settle down. In Chinese culture, I think it's the opposite. I think people over there feel that a relationship doesn't need to start with this passionate high but that over time, it can grow and develop.

 

There is no right and wrong in this. It's just culture. Obviously in China, couples divorce all the time and in western culture, there are many happily married couples. One system isn't superior to the other.

 

In early March of this year, I got a text from her asking if we could be friends and that although we didn't work out as a couple, she still missed my companionship and didn't want to disconnect from me so easily. Again, I politely told her that I can't do the friend thing with someone I was in a relationship with. She politely replied that it's okay and she understands and that she's happy to have known me. Part of me felt guilty but another part of me was surprised at how well she handled my rejection of her friendship. I thought she must currently be dating someone else but at the time, this didn't bother me at all. I thought I was over her.

 

In April of this year, my career suddenly picked up again and I became very busy. I was basically on a month long business trip. During this time, I had a chance to really get to know my colleagues and talk about life. Also, the exhaustion of being on the road was getting to me. The glamour of my career suddenly didn't seem that great anymore. Also, I look at the lives of some of my coworkers who had very ordinary lives, nothing glamorous. They valued their careers but the most important thing was their wife/husband and kids.

 

One night after waking up in my hotel room, I think I had what I could only describe as an epiphany. It suddenly occurred to me Lisa had all the qualities for a woman I could settle down with. Yes, she had flaws but now those flaws no longer seemed like a big deal to me and could be worked through. Remember what I mentioned about how in Chinese and a lot of Eastern cultures, everything else comes later? I believed in that now. I honestly believe now that you can learn to love someone more and more over time. I realized what I had taken for granted and carelessly threw away.

 

What's more, my social life with my friends was taking a nose-dive. I still have some strong friendships but I realized that as we're all getting older, I'm just becoming less and less of a priority in their lives. I realized in the friends I have who are currently in relationships, their top priority is their SO. This is understandable and I'm not bitter about it but it made me re-examine what my priorities were.

 

I questioned my entire value system and what I wanted and I decided I needed to get Lisa back. While I was still on the road, I texted her again. At first, I got a lukewarm response but then she started texting me back more frequently.

 

When I returned from my business trip, I began asking her to meet up. I told her how I had made a mistake and now my attitude had changed. She didn't want to meet up with me. She said we had already tried and that it's over and that she's no longer in the "original spot" that she was. She had moved on. I was disappointed by this. But keep in mind, we hadn't seen each other in 4 months by now and so although I was disappointed she didn't want to see me, I wasn't "destroyed" by it. I decided to just carry on.

 

One night while I was having dinner with a friend, she suddenly called me up and asked if we could meet. I was surprised by this and so we met up. I picked her up and we went back to my place. We talked for over 4 hours. I told her basically everything I've told you about my epiphany and the realization that I had come to. I made sure there were no miscommunication. She became convinced that I was genuine and that she did believe me. But she's currently dating someone new. I asked if she and her new guy were serious and that he was "the one." She said, "If he were, then I wouldn't be here tonight." She refused to go into any further detail about her relationship with the new guy and being very disappointed, I didn't pry further. I continued to try to convince her to give us another try. She finally started breaking down and crying and she reached out to embrace me. We kissed and cuddled for a bit before she told me she had to go home. But she asked me what I was doing the next night and that we could meet up again and of course I said yes. I then drove her home. This night totally re-ignited all my feelings for her.

 

The next day, I hadn't received a text from her all day. That's when I knew something was wrong. Finally, I called her and she said that last night was a mistake. She didn't want to complicate things and that she wanted to continue moving on. I was devastated and this was when the heartbreak happened. I called her again the next day and she told me coldly that we shouldn't see each other and that we should move on. I told her that I genuinely missed her and that I regret what had happened before and she said, "I know that Ethan. I believe you. And you saw the other night how I feel about you but we just can't be together. I am no longer young. It's hard for me to find a stable relationship. I can't compete with the young women in their 20s. I can't give up my current relationship."

 

I was devastated but I had enough self-control to stop calling her repeatedly and to give her some space. She needed time to cool down obviously as I could tell she herself was in a very emotional state.

 

One week passed with no contact. It was the most agonizing week that I could remember. I still held onto the hope that I could convince her. I knew from previous experience that any further pleading and begging would do no good. I decided to make one last attempt. I made some youtube videos of my playing piano covering her two favorite songs. I sent them to her. I had no idea how she would react or if she would even reply. She replied and she said she was very touched and moved by what I did. She basically listened to them over and over at night for 3 hours in the wee hours of the morning.

 

She then repeated the same mantra she was saying before. She's no longer young. She needs to find a stable relationship. She confessed that she still thinks of me and misses me but that there's nothing she could do. She had to keep it at the "bottom of her heart" for the sake of her new relationship. She said that with her new partner, although things aren't perfect, at least it appears to be working for her now. But she said that there are times when she wonders what her life would look like if she were with me. I then repeated myself again telling her I've really changed and that I won't let her go again. She still maintained her position. She said that she truly believed I'm genuine and that that's what happens in life sometimes. The timing is off and we missed each other.

 

By now, I realized I had lost her. I had made one last valiant attempt to convince her. It's the best shot I had. I can do nothing else. I told her I am very very sad but I respect her decision and wished her luck and I thanked her. The last message I got from her just said: "keep in touch please please." And that's the last time we communicated.

 

All this happened a week ago and this week has been total agony. I am OK for parts of the day but at night, the demons come. What hurts the most is REGRET. Unlike being dumped out of the blue, I definitely had a fault in this. I took her for granted in the beginning because I did not know what I want and I did not have my priorities straight. And now it's too late. It's a very bitter pill to swallow.

 

I wish we hadn't met up that night. Before we met up that night, I was disappointed but stable. Now I'm just a wreck. I can't stomach food and can only eat once day. I drink every night when the demons come out. Hanging out with friends isn't helping. Talking to my parents brings some comfort but then the demons come back.

 

She clearly still has feelings for me and she misses me but it's not enough. I don't know anything about her new boyfriend but obviously she prefers him over me. I don't discount the fact that a person can have feelings for two people at the same time. I know this because it's happened to me before. It's very possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time. But obviously, her new boyfriend is the preferred choice. Or maybe she doesn't have feelings for me and is just letting me down easy? But then what about that night when she cried in my arms and we kissed? She said it was a moment of weakness on her part but was that night her way of saying goodbye to me and she cried because she was mourning the loss?

 

Whatever the case, she has made her decision and is firm about it.

 

Friends and family tell me that some good things came out of this. I now have a clearer idea of what I want in terms of a partner. I also know that one could learn to love someone over time even if the beginning there isn't this amazing chemistry or passionate high. I feel like I've grown up and matured. I am more humble and empathetic towards others. I was hanging out with a female friend of mine the other night and she even told me that I've changed. Just the way I talk about things. I am more compassionate and wiser. These are all good things. I know that. But, I realized it all too late and now I've lost Lisa.

 

Someone like Lisa may never come again into my life. All I can think of is her. Every girl I see, I compare to her. And when I see a girl out on the street that looks similar to Lisa, I feel like throwing myself off a bridge. REGRET is the worst pain ever. I'd rather have been brutally dumped.

 

I am now 33 years old and now I have the same fear that Lisa expressed about getting older and it being hard to find someone. I don't think a girl like Lisa will ever come into my life again. She was one of a kind and I lost her and now I fear the future. In the morning, I can't get out of bed because I fear the future and the uncertainty of life.

[gaig]

Dude.. seriously read my first thread.

Westerner and korean..

A bit of different plot, but these regrets... these regrets are there every day. Because it was my fault in the beginning. And in the end..I also came THAT close to winning her back.

 

I wish there was a manual on what are the boundaries of these cultures so we never ever come even remotely close to them. When nothing really goes bad, but we still lose them due to bad management (ok, it sounds like an oxymoron).. it becomes very heavy.

 

And I laughed when I read this last piece. Cause I had exactly the same.. Opened up my heart to a female friend that I don't know that well, but had a similar story I described in another thread.

 

I was hanging out with a female friend of mine the other night and she even told me that I've changed. Just the way I talk about things. I am more compassionate and wiser. These are all good things. I know that. But, I realized it all too late and now I've lost Lisa.

[toastytiger]

Hi. Yes, culture is an influence. And it also isn't. Either way, sounds like she's wanting stability and security. To stick with what is safe rather than taking a risk by leaving her current partner for you.

 

(She also cheated on him with you... but ah well)

 

Can't do anything about it really... Can't control her decision.

 

And regret is an interesting thing. Really, I'm sorry that you are blaming yourself -- it's hard to feel like you could have done something to make things different, to prevent this pain. BUT, the reality is, you couldn't possibly have known. You were in the place you were in in the past for good reasons. It's where you were at at the time. It's what you thought would be best for you and your happiness.

 

And yeah, you changed your mind. Happens all the time. But situation now says being with her is not an option. Who knows, maybe in the future (don't hold your breath though)

 

Trust in the unfolding. And be careful of over-idealizing this person, and convincing yourself you will never meet anyone the same. It's quite likely you'll meet someone who's better. Much better in the sense that they'll reciprocate your desire to being in a relationship together.

 

You said you were doing relatively fine before you had that intimate night with her, and then all the feelings came back. Very much like relapsing on a drug. Think of it as re-igniting an addiction to something that stirs up chemicals in your body. Withdrawal symptoms will pass with time.

 

Regret is a unproductive judgment you make in your head that what you have already done was not what you were "suppose" to do.

Remember, you are always doing the best you can with whatever awareness you had!

[offwithhishead]

Hi. Yes, culture is an influence. And it also isn't. Either way, sounds like she's wanting stability and security. To stick with what is safe rather than taking a risk by leaving her current partner for you.

 

(She also cheated on him with you... but ah well)

 

Can't do anything about it really... Can't control her decision.

 

And regret is an interesting thing. Really, I'm sorry that you are blaming yourself -- it's hard to feel like you could have done something to make things different, to prevent this pain. BUT, the reality is, you couldn't possibly have known. You were in the place you were in in the past for good reasons. It's where you were at at the time. It's what you thought would be best for you and your happiness.

 

And yeah, you changed your mind. Happens all the time. But situation now says being with her is not an option. Who knows, maybe in the future (don't hold your breath though)

 

Trust in the unfolding. And be careful of over-idealizing this person, and convincing yourself you will never meet anyone the same. It's quite likely you'll meet someone who's better. Much better in the sense that they'll reciprocate your desire to being in a relationship together.

 

You said you were doing relatively fine before you had that intimate night with her, and then all the feelings came back. Very much like relapsing on a drug. Think of it as re-igniting an addiction to something that stirs up chemicals in your body. Withdrawal symptoms will pass with time.

 

Regret is a unproductive judgment you make in your head that what you have already done was not what you were "suppose" to do.

Remember, you are always doing the best you can with whatever awareness you had!

 

Thanks. Your part about the fact that I was doing the best with the awareness that I had at the time is spot on. I have to stop blaming myself.

 

That being said, based on what I've written, what is an objective likelihood that she will come back? She seems to want to stay in touch. In the last text I received from her, she said: "Keep in touch, please, please."

 

She obviously wants to keep in touch somehow even though she never reaches out to me because she knows it pains me and that I don't want to hear about her life with new boyfriend. But why would she want to keep in touch? Is it because she can't accept the fact that I'm gone from her life completely? Or is she keeping the possibility of future reconciliation open?

[toastytiger]

Who really knows.

Do NOT wait for her though. I've spent too much time myself being strung along waiting for someone to commit to me -- not fun.

 

You can be friends if you think you are capable. But ask yourself and be honest if keeping in touch with her is doing more harm than good.

 

 

Btw, "objective likelihood" doesn't exist.

Maybe she wants friendship.

Maybe she wants a back up plan.

Maybe she's just being nice.

Maybe she's confused and being selfish.

In any case, she has said nothing about getting together with you.

So I'll say it again, don't wait. Don't put your life on hold for someone else.

Edited June 9, 2016 by toastytiger

[LD1990]

You're in love with the idea of being in a relationship more than you're in love with this specific woman. You treated her like you didn't care about her towards the end of your relationship, dumped her, rejected her attempts to stay in your life as a friend, and were fine for months without talking to her. Those aren't the actions of someone who's in love. Then when you hung out with a bunch of people who have loving relationships, you wanted one too.

 

As far as what she wants out of you now, you're her backup plan should things go south with her boyfriend.

[whatnot]

You're in luck.

 

In THIS culture...33 isn't old.

 

"Stay in touch...Please please". LOL (I'm not laughing at your pain...I'm laughing at what we do to have our cake and.eat it too).

 

The Internet and society (and esp. the people who write such nonsense) would have one believe this is the way to go.. "Mature". "Taking the high road". Personally, I throw the gibberish card on that.

 

Because...personally...i cannot genuinely move on with my life while harboring thoughts of getting back together with some ex girlfriend of mine. Those two concepts are mutually exclusive concepts.

 

You are still young. We all make mistakes. If we aren't making mistakes we are not growing or succeeding.

 

1). Do NOT "Stay in touch, please please".

2). You don't want a woman who keeps cards up her sleeve (as she is currently doing.with the guy she's with).

3) lay off the booze

4) stay focused on your career

5) There's other women (alot of them) who you have yet to meet who are marriage material.

6) she's not it

 

Sorry to be the bearer of news you don't want to hear (and probably don't believe true).

 

Good luck

 

EDIT: Ask yourself this question, do you believe she has shown her current lover the last text she sent you?

 

Act accordingly..

 

Good luck

Edited June 10, 2016 by whatnot

[offwithhishead]

Everything I've read so far makes sense to me. I guess what I'm going through now are withdrawal symptoms. My emotions range from feeling fine and almost over it to depression and feeling an overwhelming urge to contact her. It's good to understand that much of what is going on is neurological.

 

That being said, I know there's a lot of resources out there that suggest things to do in order to get over someone. What bothers me is that not a lot of these suggestions are realistic as each one of us has unique and individual lives.

 

For example, I don't have the kind of friends who could come over and keep me occupied for days on end. They are busy and have their own lives. I also don't have the kind of cool male friends who has the party life to be able to introduce me to a bunch of new girls. If they did, I don't think they'd cling so hard to their current relationships.

 

I have a few things I can do:

 

- I am a music lover. I play some piano and guitar. Gonna keep doing that. I find that it immediately eases the pain once I start being musically active. It's like an immediate antidote.

 

- My Career. Although it's pretty slow right now, it will pick up in the near future and usually it's enough to keep me very occupied. It helps that I also love what I do.

 

What I'm not ready for yet:

 

- I can't seem to work up the drive to exercise. This is gonna take some time. It also has to do with my reduced appetite and the fact that I'm eating pretty much once a day. I have little energy as it is.

 

- Meet new people. Simply because I'd be the downer of the party. I'm in no mood at all right now to talk about the typical things a bunch of strangers talk about like sports, weather, politics, etc. I'll probably bring up something about relationships and everyone's gonna be like, "what's up with this guy?"

[offwithhishead]

It's been a month since my breakup. I've read all about no contact and its benefits. I know NC is meant to fast-track the healing process for you and it is not a tactic to get the ex back but it might make him/her miss you and reconsider.

 

But in my case, I just can't take it anymore. I know calling her and possibly resorting to begging and pleading will ruin any chances of future reconciliation but I feel that if I don't contact her, she might just forget me altogether.

 

I guess I also really need closure. We never had a I need to find out if there's any possibility of her changing her mind in the future. Otherwise, I can't really fully move on if I know there is even a small possibility of having her back.

 

I don't know what to do.

[Mrin]

Don't know that particulars of your story but I will tell you this....

 

I can't remember the last time I read a post that said something like, "I gave in and called him/her wow, it made all the difference!"

 

Maybe after a couple of years and some relationships between you... but not after 1 month of NC.

 

Most of the posts that I see about breaking NC go a little like "OMG I can't believe I called him/her. I feel even worse now. So ashamed."

Just sayin...

 

Also: closure is a state of mind. Not a thing you get. She has closure. You don't. You don't because you refuse to accept that which she already does.

[BC1980]

What do you want this phone call to accomplish? You said you want to find out if she'd ever reconsider, and you said you don't want her to forget you. Are those the two reasons to call her?

[LD1990]

It's been a month since my breakup. I've read all about no contact and its benefits. I know NC is meant to fast-track the healing process for you and it is not a tactic to get the ex back but it might make him/her miss you and reconsider.

 

But in my case, I just can't take it anymore. I know calling her and possibly resorting to begging and pleading will ruin any chances of future reconciliation but I feel that if I don't contact her, she might just forget me altogether.

 

I guess I also really need closure. We never had a I need to find out if there's any possibility of her changing her mind in the future. Otherwise, I can't really fully move on if I know there is even a small possibility of having her back.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

She already told you she wants to move on. You proceeded to record yourself singing her favorite songs and sent them to her, and she again told you that she wants to move on. She had the opportunity to be with you handed to her on a silver platter and each time she said "no, thanks." Closure comes from within, not from somebody else. The sooner you really accept that it's not going to happen, the sooner you can move on with your life. You're trying to cling on to hope that she's going to come around, but she has made it pretty clear through both her words and actions that she isn't.

[offwithhishead]

So instead of calling my ex tonight, I did a workout instead. The edge of the desperation has been taken off a bit. So I think at least for tonight, I will hold off. It's a constant struggle though.

[LD1990]

It remains a struggle for awhile, and even when you're not tempted to break NC it can still just be hard in general. Be strong and try to stay as focused as you can on your own life. It gets better.

[offwithhishead]

It remains a struggle for awhile, and even when you're not tempted to break NC it can still just be hard in general. Be strong and try to stay as focused as you can on your own life. It gets better.

 

Thanks. I was very close to calling her tonight. But then I made myself go to the gym instead. Part of it is pride. I already gave it my best shot. And I got rejected. Part of me feels embarrassed at having put myself out there like that and getting rejected.

[offwithhishead]

It's been a month since this episode happened. So far, I'm coping. It's a daily struggle but I'm coping. My appetite is better and I'm starting to hit the gym and jog. My physical health overall is recovering. I'm also able to do daily errands like grocery shopping.

 

The problem is I think my pain is evolving into a more general depression and anxiety. I now have a fear of the future. I'm afraid I'll never meet anyone good again. I feel that this was my chance and I blew it. When I look to the future, there's just this huge scary void staring back at me.

 

Now am I being rational? Probably not. 5 years ago, I had a serious heartbreak. I am fully recovered now. And I did meet new girls who met my standard. My life also got better in other ways both socially and career-wise.

 

But I can't shake this fear of the future. I'm still afraid of attending any social situations because I'm afraid what will happen will confirm my fears. For example, say I attend a speed-dating event and every girl I'm interested in is not interested in me, it'll just confirm my current mindset that my future is bleak.

 

As a result, I only venture outside to meet close friends, run errands, and for exercise. Otherwise, I just want to stay isolated in my home. I'm fearful of the real world and all the hurt that it brings.

 

I've had episodes of depression throughout my life but it's always been manageable and didn't disrupt my life. I may have gotten depressed but I never actually FEARED anything. This breakup triggered something else. Now I'm filled with FEAR. I'm honestly afraid of life now.

 

Need help.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

you saw the other night how I feel about you but we just can't be together. I am no longer young. It's hard for me to find a stable relationship. I can't compete with the young women in their 20s. I can't give up my current relationship."

 

Sorry I know you have moved on from this point and are trying to move on but I have to ask, why didn't you offer her commitment? If that is in fact what you wanted anyway.

 

From a female perspective, it seems so obvious what she was telling you. She wants a serious relationship. She wants to settle down. It seems that, like you, she also has some fears about what the future holds.

 

If you are sincere about your feelings (only you would know) then why not make it clear how serious you are. She isn't going to give up what she believes is a stable relationship for sweet words. Words are cheap and clearly this woman is not going to compromise on what she wants.

 

If you really don't feel ready for a serious relationship with her then I respect your need to move on. However, if you REALLY want to be with her then I think you still might have the chance.

 

Either way, I hope you find some peace.

[whatnot]

I try an do what BC1980 alluded to in post 11.

 

I ask myself "What do you hope to accomplish?" And then I ask myself "What will it actually accomplish?

 

The two answers are never the same. I'm just confused how anyone could do what she did and I'm angry about being abandoned. Fact was...she wasn't much support when things were at their zenith years ago. I knew that. Couldn't change her then. Certainly won't change her now.

 

"You can't change other people" - mom

[Steven1]

I can relate to this as such.

 

Me and my ex were together for 7 years before we split up in January/February, and I'm exactly the same. Although we have now both moved on and are now both in new relationships, at the time I had many regrets about the relationship ending. We had a lot of history together, and we had some very,very bad arguments with one another through that time which I definitely regret as I believe in a way that did have an impact on the direction our relationship went over the years and that is something I will always look back on with regret. There are things we wanted to do together that we never got around to that she will now end up doing with her current partner etc. I think for a lot of people who had one long term relationship, there will always be a regret that we will have to live with sadly, it comes to a point of accepting it and moving on from it.

 

My ex changed so much as a person once she started going to University, and she treated me in a way I never thought she would ever do to anyone, let a lone someone she had been with for a very large part of her life. I went through depression, anger, sadness, anxiety, and It took me a good few month to get over that and start to feel better. I think if you try to pressure yourself into feeling better than it will just take longer, everyone is different and the time frame from feeling what you do now to feeling normal/better again could be different from the next person in line.

 

Start off slow, I often found that like this place just speaking out online is the first and easier step to make, then start to do more things with close friends and naturally it just leads on from there. It took me a while before I was able to even go out for a drink again with friends after what happened, but the time does come when you think about it and it just clicks and you ask your self, why did I put myself through that?

[offwithhishead]

Sorry I know you have moved on from this point and are trying to move on but I have to ask, why didn't you offer her commitment? If that is in fact what you wanted anyway.

 

From a female perspective, it seems so obvious what she was telling you. She wants a serious relationship. She wants to settle down. It seems that, like you, she also has some fears about what the future holds.

 

If you are sincere about your feelings (only you would know) then why not make it clear how serious you are. She isn't going to give up what she believes is a stable relationship for sweet words. Words are cheap and clearly this woman is not going to compromise on what she wants.

 

If you really don't feel ready for a serious relationship with her then I respect your need to move on. However, if you REALLY want to be with her then I think you still might have the chance.

 

Either way, I hope you find some peace.

 

Fair question. So I'm struggling with this as well. Memory is a tricky thing. Right now, I can't even remember the bad things about our relationship that led to the breakup in the first place. Something wasn't working at the time. And that's the key, timing.

 

I think timing is very important as well for a relationship to work out. I can't point out any specific things about what was going on at the time but I was just in a very different headspace at the time. And so was she.

 

After we broke up, I went through a series of events that led me to go back to her but by then it was too late. She never thought I'd ever come back and had started dating someone new and now she is with him. I don't know how serious they are or how she feels about him other than that he's more sincere and reliable than I was when we were dating and for her, those are the most important things.

 

I've already told her everything and how I feel and that I'm ready now to offer commitment and although she believes me, it's too late because she's with somebody else. She won't jeopardize her current relationship for an ex that proved unreliable in the past. I can't blame her.

 

There's also the possibility that after we broke up, she completely moved on and now only cares for me as a friend. I know she still cares but to what extent is the question and obviously not enough to dump her new guy and get back with me or maybe never get back with me at all.

 

As for me, I can't handle friendship right now. It's only been a month. And I still have that problem with the memories. My memories of her are distorted and not objective enough. I'm hoping with more time, I can look at what we had more objectively and hopefully see that perhaps we truly are NOT compatible. Right now, I'm in this limbo state where I honestly feel like if she and I could start again, we could make it work. But she doesn't feel the same way. And maybe she's right and I'm the one who is viewing things through rose-tinted glasses.

 

No contact is the only thing I can think of doing right now. Not as a ploy to get her back but for my own healing. I don't want to hear about her and her new boyfriend. I need to let her go. And if she and her new boyfriend end up being together long-term, then it just shows that she found someone more compatible with her than me and that this was all for the best and that it was (I hate using this word) fated.

 

Nevertheless, she came into my life and taught me some important lessons and most importantly, it's made me realize the qualities I want in someone long-term. Whether she and I get back together sometime in the future or I meet someone new, I now have a much clearer view of what I want.