Waiting in response for second chance email but found out something devestating

June 7, 2016

Hello everyone I stumbled upon this forum, I'm new here, and could use some sound advice.

Here is my story:

Fiance and I were together 4 years (engaged for one) living together for 2. We had a very passionate and enmeshed relationship and we knew fairly early on we wanted to be together for the long haul, were super compatible and fell very hard in love.

We had some issues with insecurities and expecting a lot of each other and accusing each other of things that were not true (based on our own fears and insecurities from past hurts) and we would fight about those things somewhat regularly but always found a way to work it through because our bond was so strong and unique.

About a year and half ago he lost his job and went into a deep depression and started taking medication to get him out of the slump. His paranoia and feelings that I would leave him were out of control as well as the idea that because I was working and he wasn't he wasn't good enough for me. Little things would turn into big fights and everything I did to reassure him would fall on deaf ears and the cycle would start again. So I put my foot down and begged him to talk to someone or this was going to kills us. I could no longer counsel him because at times he felt criticized when I was trying to be supportive.

Instead of therapy he chose to start on meds, and he slowly started to change for the better in terms of the insecurities and unfounded paranoid accusations, he also found work (a month after he started the meds) but he also became a lot colder, really mean and very disrespectful version of himself when we would fight. I then became more insecure of how he was becoming and our fights got worse and more intense and disrespectful but he definitely changed and changed for a meaner, colder version of the man I feel in love with who didn't seem to care much about reconciliation when we had conflict.

Long story short he decided he was moving out last month because he couldn't handle the fighting any more and was convinced I didn't want to be with him. Granted in the worst of our fights I have told him to get out (so had he in past fights) and thrown the ring at him feeling like it was meaningless due to the awful things we would say to me in a fight. This time he decided he was going to act on it.

He packed everything and moved out despite me pleading with him please stay we could fix things and go to therapy together and fix our communication problems. He refused and said he just needed space(he has a high pressure demanding job) and needed to be away from the rel now.

So the day he moved out we decided we would still work on the relationship but living separately yet he still refused to go to therapy. He wanted me to go live with him at his place but I didn't want to rush into doing that because I felt it wouldn't solve our issues. And took that as me wanting to be on my own. Which was NOT the case at all. I wanted to not repeat the same destructive patterns again Anyway, we tried for a month and now he started picking fights about anything and pulling bait and switches on me. He was convinced I wanted nothing to do his new place and that I resented him for moving out despite my efforts to show otherwise. Our last fight was over something he pulled a bait and switch on me for and we didn't speak for 4 days. So in a panic I showed up at his new place and had a melt down wanting to know what was going and why we were not even talking. It was not a good night I really got very upset and was convinced he was not being honest with me and accused him of lying to me. So I left that night (things unresolved) and the weekend after that he emailed me to come get a few of his things he had left at my (our place lived in together before he move) and he dumped me for good stating I had driven him to move and that it would never work. He basically blamed me for everything.

This was three weeks ago. I found out that two days after the night I showed up at his house he was already dating someone and have confirmed they are still together. I had sent him a second chance letter two weeks ago (before I knew he was already seeing someone) and his response was I can't answer this now I need to "sort some things out" and will let you know when I'm clear headed. (I thought the wording was peculiar so I started to dig deeper to see if he was with someone) and sure enough he was.

I have been beyond devastated. Not only did he leave me and refuse to acknowledge the heartfelt letter where I took full ownership of all my mistakes but I have now found out he started seeing someone the same week he dumped me.

I want to confront him about what I now know, but I am doing my head in trying to figure out if I should or just wait and see what he has to say when he deems himself "ready" to respond to my letter. I could never take him back now knowing he has already moved on to someone else 2 seconds after we split up. And the devastation of knowing our rel was that meaningless to him is more pain than I can handle right now. I don't know what to do Should I just confront him with what I know or wait to see if he lies more.I go from hating him to missing him like crazy to feeling like everything I thought I knew of him was a complete farce. He was not the cheating type and I never in a million years expected him to do something like this.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

June 7, 2016

I know you're hurting, but honestly, it sounds like maybe this was for the best.

You gloss over some things that sound like red flags.

To me, it reads like you two were highly co-dependent of each other. When I read "enmeshed" in conjunction with insecurities and accusations about things that weren't true, I get the mental image of a toxic relationship where there isn't a lot of trust and the two people are somewhat cut off from others such as friends and family.

Is this at all accurate?

June 7, 2016

Thanks for responding Blanco. Yes.

We were somewhat co-dependent in that we spent all our time together, we loved to do everything together. We were not cut off from our families and friends we spent a fair amount of time with our families and friends. But we just preferred to do our own thing most of the time. but yes the trust issues were definitely there. His ex cheated on him and alienated him from his kids despite his every efforts and I have trust issues due to childhood issues.

June 7, 2016

But I am wondering should I just confront him with what I know or wait for the response and then do it?

Because the same week we had that fight and I had the melt down just days prior he was telling me how much he loved me and needed me and how happy he was we were working things out.

June 7, 2016

Wow there is a whole host of stuff here. I'll just pick the pertinent points for your consideration.

We had a very passionate and enmeshed relationship and we knew fairly early on we wanted to be together for the long haul, were super compatible and fell very hard in love.

Enmeshment is not a sign of love, it's a dysfunctional relationship dynamic that's very unhealthy for both people. It feels intense, sure but that's not love.

We had some issues with insecurities....we would fight about those things somewhat regularly but always found a way to work it through because our bond was so strong and unique.

Co-dependance is not a strong and unique bond. It's co-dependance and it leads to the situation you have described. Where each partner expects the other to fulfil them in unrealistic ways then gets angry when things don't play out as they expect.

I could no longer counsel him because at times he felt criticized when I was trying to be supportive.

Even if you are a professional counsellor, you cannot counsel your own partner. Given that you both came together in dysfunction, it was even less healthy for you to try and counsel him.

but he also became a lot colder, really mean and very disrespectful version of himself when we would fight. I then became more insecure of how he was becoming and our fights got worse and more intense and disrespectful but he definitely changed and changed for a meaner, colder version of the man I feel in love with who didn't seem to care much about reconciliation when we had conflict.

What happened here is the balancing of is brain chemicals kicked in that part of his personality that was suppressed by it. Instead of being passive, he is now aggressive. He didn't change, he just became a more assertive version of who he already was. A dysfunctional person with issues.

I found out that two days after the night I showed up at his house he was already dating someone and have confirmed they are still together.

Because he has issues which he refuses to address, he is uncomfortable on his own and he has sought and found himself another co-dependant relationship. You are no longer necessary.

And the devastation of knowing our rel was that meaningless to him is more pain than I can handle right now. I don't know what to do ........I go from hating him to missing him like crazy to feeling like everything I thought I knew of him was a complete farce. He was not the cheating type and I never in a million years expected him to do something like this.

Understandable that you feel this a lot because you are co-dependant too. What you do is forget about all contact with him and get yourself into therapy for your issues. Without that you have little hope of having a healthy relationship for yourself.

June 7, 2016

But I am wondering should I just confront him with what I know or wait for the response and then do it?

Because the same week we had that fight and I had the melt down just days prior he was telling me how much he loved me and needed me and how happy he was we were working things out.

based on my own situation/experience, whatever he said now are likely to be lies lies and more lies to cover up. Don't be surprised he push the blame on you and saying is your fault.

I think you should still confront him, you deserved the rights to know what is going on.

June 7, 2016

Wow what and insightful post Buddhist a lot of it does ring true. I never really knew "enmeshed" had such a negative connotation. Always saw it as just two people that were very connected and intertwined with love.

Thank you for pointing that out. These were all things he expressed (in not exact words) he felt in the earlier times prior to the medication:

Your happiness or contentment relies on your relationship.
When there’s a conflict or disagreement in your relationship, you feel extreme anxiety or fear or a compulsion to fix the problem.
When you’re not around this person or can’t talk to them, “a feeling of loneliness pervades [your] psyche. Without that connection, the loneliness will increase to the point of creating irrational desires to reconnect.”

I wasn't like that when in the earlier years but eventually I also became like that. In fact we had problems the first 6 months because he wanted to move so quickly through the stages of the relationship, not the sex but saying I love you, spending lots of time together, moving in together, etc. And I had to slow everything down considerably and we argued over that him thinking I wasn't interested me thinking he wasn't respecting my boundaries.

I have not had co-dependent relationships in the past not to this degree at least.

Anyway, why do you say he found himself another co-dependent relationship? How can you possibly know that?

June 7, 2016

Couples that are enmeshed usually involve people who have difficulty being "alone." I think that's partly why this guy is already seeing someone else.

I had a girlfriend who you could describe her adult relationships as "enmeshed." She's almost never single, because she can't be alone and she can't be bothered to create new friendships or nurture existing ones. One LTR to the next with maybe a rebound fling tossed in there until the next long-term guy appears.

June 7, 2016

based on my own situation/experience, whatever he said now are likely to be lies lies and more lies to cover up. Don't be surprised he push the blame on you and saying is your fault.

I think you should still confront him, you deserved the rights to know what is going on.

Heartbroken, I'll have to read up on your situation is it here?

that is exactly it! He already did blame me for everything he said I was the one that chased him away, he said my insecurities and making him feel like "he wasn't enough" and inability to trust him is why our relationship ended and took 0 accountability for his share because he is basing on the problems we had in the last 3 months leading up the split. He was angry and callous an completely different person than the man I have known the last time I saw him.

If I confront him he will lie and say he didn't meet her right away blah blah blah but I know for a fact he has. I feel like he already knew her because how could they be so full-on already and he was out with her three days after I showed up at his house. When I left that night I didn't even know we were done for good yet he did know because he was out with her that weekend. And then emailed me he wanted to come by and pick up his things he'd left here earlier that week.

I am in excruciating pain right now. I don't know how I go to work and face the world my heart feels like it has a black gaping hole.

June 7, 2016

Couples that are enmeshed usually involve people who have difficulty being "alone." I think that's partly why this guy is already seeing someone else.

I had a girlfriend who you could describe her adult relationships as "enmeshed." She's almost never single, because she can't be alone and she can't be bothered to create new friendships or nurture existing ones. One LTR to the next with maybe a rebound fling tossed in there until the next long-term guy appears.

Wow I guess that is him then. Unless they met at work and he was planning his escape route?

That's not my thing though. I have never been or had the desire to be an overlapper in fact complete opposite I can go years in between and be totally fine. The thought of being with someone right now is so off-putting I don't even know if I will even ever love again let alone spend time with someone any time remotely soon. I just can't believe he could so easily shut himself off like that and open up to someone else when he was telling me and showing me he still loved me the same week. this is so fck'd up Ugh

June 7, 2016

Heartbroken, I'll have to read up on your situation is it here?

that is exactly it! He already did blame me for everything he said I was the one that chased him away, he said my insecurities and making him feel like "he wasn't enough" and inability to trust him is why our relationship ended and took 0 accountability for his share because he is basing on the problems we had in the last 3 months leading up the split. He was angry and callous an completely different person than the man I have known the last time I saw him.

If I confront him he will lie and say he didn't meet her right away blah blah blah but I know for a fact he has. I feel like he already knew her because how could they be so full-on already and he was out with her three days after I showed up at his house. When I left that night I didn't even know we were done for good yet he did know because he was out with her that weekend. And then emailed me he wanted to come by and pick up his things he'd left here earlier that week.

I am in excruciating pain right now. I don't know how I go to work and face the world my heart feels like it has a black gaping hole.

He blamed you is to justify his action on cheating on you. It doesn't matter what he said now, it will be just all lies and more lies. Is he a self centered and selfish person? What ever thing you do, msg/email or talking to him will just annoyed him. He is euphoric now with the other girl.

I fully understand its hard and how difficult for you right now. I was in similar same situation like you but mine was together for 11 years. I suggest you go for NC and try to find your siblings/friends to chat when you are feeling down.

Just dont go plead or beg him to come back

June 7, 2016

Wow I guess that is him then. Unless they met at work and he was planning his escape route?

That's not my thing though. I have never been or had the desire to be an overlapper in fact complete opposite I can go years in between and be totally fine. The thought of being with someone right now is so off-putting I don't even know if I will even ever love again let alone spend time with someone any time remotely soon. I just can't believe he could so easily shut himself off like that and open up to someone else when he was telling me and showing me he still loved me the same week. this is so fck'd up Ugh

I'm similar. Don't beat up yourself for feeling that way. Some people can do it; others can't. Some people just need to be in a relationship. Doesn't always mean they're bad. It's just what suits them. And it doesn't mean that they're fulfilled in each relationship. Some just find comfort in having a romantic partner at almost all times.

June 7, 2016

He blamed you is to justify his action on cheating on you. It doesn't matter what he said now, it will be just all lies and more lies. Is he a self centered and selfish person? What ever thing you do, msg/email or talking to him will just annoyed him. He is euphoric now with the other girl.

I fully understand its hard and how difficult for you right now. I was in similar same situation like you but mine was together for 11 years. I suggest you go for NC and try to find your siblings/friends to chat when you are feeling down.

Just dont go plead or beg him to come back

that's the thing did he cheat or not? did he meet her before he move out or not? And no he was the most unselfish person i have ever met, he always ALWAYS put me first for everything. He was super considerate of my feelings and was very attentive selfless in many ways. He was so not the cheating type, he had me convinced he would never ever do that. that was never and insecurity of mine with this particular man. But now I don't even know what's what. I feel like maybe there was an emotional affair happening already or something. The way he changed and was so determined to move out, he was so determined not work on us anymore and blamed me for everything. I mean we had said in arguments before "get out" but this last time he used that as the sole excuse for leaving.

Are you kidding me? Plead or beg to come back? there is NO WAY IN HELL I would take him back now EVER! Knowing what I know that he jumped in to be with someone else there is 0 chance I would take him back even if he begged. But do have the need to know if he deceived me or not and I do feel the need to confront him about. At least when I found out about this woman he is seeing I changed for beating myself up to being extremely angry with him.

I start therapy in a week and going to a group session tomorrow but it the meantime I am feeling really messed up.

Edited June 7, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

June 7, 2016

I haven't read the whole thread but I did read the op's story. Been there done that. So familiar. Just craziness. No rationality. No more.

Thanks for sharing it. You wrote it better than I could have even though it's just like my story.

June 7, 2016

What ever thing you do, msg/email or talking to him will just annoyed him. He is euphoric now with the other girl.

Yup that is exactly how he was when I sent him the letter taking ownership for my mistakes a week after we split and I could see he got annoyed by my letter He said "I need to see through some things right now" and "I can't respond to this but I will when I am more clear"

Just those words sparked something inside me and my gut started screaming out "go deeper" and so I did and found out about this other woman he is seeing.

3 days after he decided to unilaterally dump me 3 days!!

June 7, 2016

Wow what and insightful post Buddhist a lot of it does ring true. I never really knew "enmeshed" had such a negative connotation. Always saw it as just two people that were very connected and intertwined with love.

You are not alone in that. Many people consider that lack of boundaries means that there is a very special kind of love going on. But it rarely means that. Many women seek close bonding with men so a guy wanting total involvement like this seems like a breath of fresh air.....until it becomes suffocating.

Thank you for pointing that out. These were all things he expressed (in not exact words) he felt in the earlier times prior to the medication:

Your happiness or contentment relies on your relationship.
When there’s a conflict or disagreement in your relationship, you feel extreme anxiety or fear or a compulsion to fix the problem.
When you’re not around this person or can’t talk to them, “a feeling of loneliness pervades [your] psyche. Without that connection, the loneliness will increase to the point of creating irrational desires to reconnect.”

I wasn't like that when in the earlier years but eventually I also became like that. In fact we had problems the first 6 months because he wanted to move so quickly through the stages of the relationship, not the sex but saying I love you, spending lots of time together, moving in together, etc. And I had to slow everything down considerably and we argued over that him thinking I wasn't interested me thinking he wasn't respecting my boundaries.

I have not had co-dependent relationships in the past not to this degree at least.

It's possible that a strong co-dependant as he appears to be, can enable you into being more co-dependant than otherwise. He probably worked very hard in the beginning to convince you this was some kind of soulmate type connection so that you would drop your boundaries.

Anyway, why do you say he found himself another co-dependent relationship? How can you possibly know that?

The speed with which it has occurred and escalated. Given the issues you describe he has taken no time at all to decompress from your relationship and steps right into another one. It's almost a certain that he has just transferred all his issues to a new relationship. Someone with strong boundaries would probably not be dating him at all.

June 7, 2016

that's the thing did he cheat or not? did he meet her before he move out or not? And no he was the most unselfish person i have ever met, he always ALWAYS put me first for everything. He was super considerate of my feelings and was very attentive selfless in many ways. He was so not the cheating type, he had me convinced he would never ever do that. that was never and insecurity of mine with this particular man. But now I don't even know what's what. I feel like maybe there was an emotional affair happening already or something. The way he changed and was so determined to move out, he was so determined not work on us anymore and blamed me for everything. I mean we had said in arguments before "get out" but this last time he used that as the sole excuse for leaving.

Are you kidding me? Plead or beg to come back? there is NO WAY IN HELL I would take him back now EVER! Knowing what I know that he jumped in to be with someone else there is 0 chance I would take him back even if he begged. But do have the need to know if he deceived me or not and I do feel the need to confront him about. At least when I found out about this woman he is seeing I changed for beating myself up to being extremely angry with him.

I start therapy in a week and going to a group session tomorrow but it the meantime I am feeling really messed up.

in your heart, i think you have the answer. Your bf seems to be a nice person from the way you put it. Right now, his relationship should be a re-bound type, whatever issues he/you have with him during your relationship, will surface up once their honeymoon period is over. If you did your part in your relationship with him, treated him reasonably well enough, there might be a possibility he will come back to you once his euphoric feeling faded off.

But dont just go wait around for him. For now, you go NC and do your stuff. I might be wrong and he will never come back again. My situation is my fiance left me for another guy after 11 years. so ya...i know exactly how you feeling right now.

June 7, 2016

You are not alone in that. Many people consider that lack of boundaries means that there is a very special kind of love going on. But it rarely means that. Many women seek close bonding with men so a guy wanting total involvement like this seems like a breath of fresh air.....until it becomes suffocating. [/Quote]

Yup that is EXACTLY how I felt, I had never met a man so devoted so willing to just "be" and not demanding of external interactions we could spend days and weeks in utter bliss enjoying each other's company and loving each other. It was indeed a breath of fresh air.

It's possible that a strong co-dependant as he appears to be, can enable you into being more co-dependant than otherwise. He probably worked very hard in the beginning to convince you this was some kind of soulmate type connection so that you would drop your boundaries.

Yup I had my trust issues to overcome and always had a hard time trusting men and need a lot of time and pacing but he wanted to really show and convince me he had pure intentions which made me mistrust him even more because he was "too good to be true" I felt he was my soulmate, he did too.

We had so much in common right up to our upbringing, well travelled, we both lived around the world liked the same things etc...we were and I still believe we were an ideal match and people who saw us together would always comment on what great a couple we made, physically and otherwise

The speed with which it has occurred and escalated. Given the issues you describe he has taken no time at all to decompress from your relationship and steps right into another one. It's almost a certain that he has just transferred all his issues to a new relationship. Someone with strong boundaries would probably not be dating him at all.

You mean because he is so fresh out of an LTR? I know!!! I would never that seems like heartache waiting to happen.
Well he may have lied to her and pretended he was single for a long time....

June 7, 2016

in your heart, i think you have the answer. Your bf seems to be a nice person from the way you put it. Right now, his relationship should be a re-bound type, whatever issues he/you have with him during your relationship, will surface up once their honeymoon period is over. If you did your part in your relationship with him, treated him reasonably well enough, there might be a possibility he will come back to you once his euphoric feeling faded off.

But dont just go wait around for him. For now, you go NC and do your stuff. I might be wrong and he will never come back again. My situation is my fiance left me for another guy after 11 years. so ya...i know exactly how you feeling right now.

I'm so sorry to read this 11 years is a long time. How awful. The thing about our situations is that we are mourning the loss of our men, the loss of the wedding, the loss of all the plans for our future and the loss of innocence that we had for trusting and thinking they were incapable of doing something so heinous and selfish. That is a whole lotta loss to grieve.

How long has it been since your split?

We were supposed to be married this year but he lost his job and we had to save for the wedding and now were planning for next year. And now he is spending our wedding money on his new fling. :(:(

June 7, 2016

I left a three-year relationship and she was in another exclusive relationship within a couple of months. They're still together, I assume.

It's hard not to take it personally, but what Buddhist said is right: They just transfer all of the issues to the next relationship. The guy my ex is with was still finishing up a divorce to a long marriage that involved children when they started dating. I assume he was in a pretty rough place emotionally, as he had been not single his entire adult life. For someone like that, a new relationship probably felt like home.

Just take some comfort in knowing that by working on the issues that led to your part in the relationship's demise, you'll be better off and better equipped for the next healthy relationship you have.

June 7, 2016

I'm so sorry to read this 11 years is a long time. How awful. The thing about our situations is that we are mourning the loss of our men, the loss of the wedding, the loss of all the plans for our future and the loss of innocence that we had for trusting and thinking they were incapable of doing something so heinous and selfish. That is a whole lotta loss to grieve.

How long has it been since your split?

We were supposed to be married this year but he lost his job and we had to save for the wedding and now were planning for next year. And now he is spending our wedding money on his new fling. :(

its been abut 4mths since we spilt and about 2months plus since we last spoke. Like how's your situation, she is feeling happy/euphoric about her the other man right now.

June 7, 2016

I left a three-year relationship and she was in another exclusive relationship within a couple of months. They're still together, I assume.

It's hard not to take it personally, but what Buddhist said is right: They just transfer all of the issues to the next relationship. The guy my ex is with was still finishing up a divorce to a long marriage that involved children when they started dating. I assume he was in a pretty rough place emotionally, as he had been not single his entire adult life. For someone like that, a new relationship probably felt like home.

Just take some comfort in knowing that by working on the issues that led to your part in the relationship's demise, you'll be better off and better equipped for the next healthy relationship you have.

thank you, I do know what you mean. I just can't even wrap my head around "another relationship" I want the man I had with a better relationship which I feel we totally could have had if we sought therapy and got the adequate tools to resolve our issues.

That is the worst pain of all. He simply didn't want to. so I think it is safe to say he simply wasn't in love with me any more. Despite sleeping in our bed until the day before he pulled the bait and switch and making passionate love as we used to (our sex life was still very good) despite holding me in bed an cupping my face between his hands and telling me he loved me so much and needed me the reality is that he simply did not anymore. He would been open to fixing things if he were. :(:(

June 7, 2016

its been abut 4mths since we spilt and about 2months plus since we last spoke. Like how's your situation, she is feeling happy/euphoric about her the other man right now.

Is that your mind playing nasty self-deprecating tricks on you or do you know that for a fact?

June 7, 2016

Is that your mind playing nasty self-deprecating tricks on you or do you know that for a fact?

Unfortunately, I saw her with another man putting his hand across her waist. They were all smiles..like you, I couldn't believe how possible she can get over 11years relationship and jumped right into a new one.when we spilt, she cried and told me there isn't any man. In the end, is just lies and more lies to cover her cheating.

June 7, 2016

Unfortunately, I saw her with another man putting his hand across her waist. They were all smiles..like you, I couldn't believe how possible she can get over 11years relationship and jumped right into a new one.when we spilt, she cried and told me there isn't any man. In the end, is just lies and more lies to cover her cheating.

Wow I'm sorry you saw that. That is the worst seeing them like that. The night I showed up at his I waited for him for a few hours (wouldn't pick up his phone) he showed up as if nothing eventually claiming he was out just getting stuff to eat around his new neighbourhood and when I had my meltdown once inside his place he told me "it's not like I am having an affair on your or anything like that" I just want you to trust me. Yup, lies all lies.

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Waiting in response for second chance email but found out something devestating

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